I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Have Hope · Nov 27, 2020 at 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I am in the UK, but studied a little to do with law and there are basic similarities, as a lot of US law came from English laws. I'm pretty sure on those points in my last post, but that's just the basics, just good to get familiar with the basic principles, and then your lawyer can help you build your case. It's actually very empowering to get familiar with some aspects of law, and it isn't all ongoing battles like lots of people think.
If you know what you're after and know what to ask for, these things can play out quickly, and court isn't so scary. There is a lot of decent people that want to help people out of trouble in a fair way

Agreed. Now I have a little bit more info. I will continue to learn and to educate myself. I will continue talking to lawyers and getting info.

Have Hope · Nov 27, 2020 at 05:46 PM

UGH! He came home. MORE sobbing from him. Then I got a sob STORY. He's emotionally "sick", his back is in a ton of pain because he fell down the stairs. More tears. "I didn't want this" he says, and "I love you." I said "you should have thought of that before you cheated'. "I didn't cheat" he says. I said, "we talked all about this. You knew it was the ONE thing that would hurt me the MOST. You knew all the forms of cheating. We talked about it. You knew it was the ONE thing I would divorce you over." UGH. There is NO sense in continuing the conversation.

He needed my blow up mattress so he can spend the night somewhere else. I gave it to him so that I can have the apartment to myself.

I really need to try harder to not engage in any conversations with him, unless it's about apartment and moving details.

Have Hope · Nov 27, 2020 at 07:02 PM

UGH. AND... I got roped back into engaging with him and into the argument. He tried telling me he was in "a bad place" and that he thought it was "over" after I called the police, despite the fact that we were still together, married and working on the relationship together. BS! So I got triggered and wrote back counter arguing, saying there is NO excuse for his behavior. NONE. And I went on and on about how wrong he was.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! I did NOT want to get triggered OR roped back into this conversation and argument.

divine1966 · Nov 27, 2020 at 07:29 PM

If he thought it was over he had to say so and file for divorce and at the very least not sleep with you. He is a liar. Don’t engage. And even if he did not cheat, this relationship is too unhealthy to survive

Have Hope · Nov 27, 2020 at 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he thought it was over he had to say so and file for divorce and at the very least not sleep with you. He is a liar. Don’t engage. And even if he did not cheat, this relationship is too unhealthy to survive

Exactly.

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 01:26 AM

I sent this video to him tonight: I said it sums everything up.

Guster - "Either Way" [Live Acoustic w/ the Guster String Players] - YouTube

Have Hope · 08:19 AM

So I fell down and backtracked emotionally. I was doing SO well ignoring him and not engaging in any arguments or back and forth with him for a good 24 hours after Thanksgiving. Then he tried to tell me more BS lies and excuses, and I lost it all over again on him. The rage came back and I let loose, confronting him with the truth.

This is senseless. I have got to disengage permanently, but he keeps telling me these weak excuses, so i counter argue with him, telling him as it really is/was.

I am angry and disappointed with myself. My emotions get the best of me.

Have Hope · 09:17 AM

I need to get unstuck from the pain of his betrayal and move forward into thinking about a future without him. I am stuck in the pain of it all and it's hard to get out of it emotionally. Seeing him periodically and having him continue to sob to me and give me BS excuses is making things far worse for me.

I told him to stop talking about it now and to only discuss apartment and moving details from now on. I want him to shut the F up.

divine1966 · Nov 28, 2020 at 09:24 AM

Close the door and wear noise cancelling headphones. Don’t send him songs. It just strokes his ego how invested you are. Even repeatedly telling him how he hurt you strokes his ego. Tell him it doesn’t matter if it was cheating or not, this marriage isn’t working for you and you are not interested in discussions about it. You have other things to do and other plans.

Sometimes saying less is better. He still is in a power seat able to drag you in. There is power in not engaging

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Close the door and wear noise cancelling headphones. Don’t send him songs. It just strokes his ego how invested you are. Even repeatedly telling him how he hurt you strokes his ego. Tell him it doesn’t matter if it was cheating or not, this marriage isn’t working for you and you are not interested in discussions about it. You have other things to do and other plans.

Sometimes saying less is better. He still is in a power seat able to drag you in. There is power in not engaging

I cannot help myself. I don't feel in control of what I say when I am upset. I let it all out. I almost don't even care if it is feeding his ego right now. That's the least of my concerns. I feel he deserves all my wrath, and he deserves to suffer over his choices.

But I am now disengaging from him again. I told him I will not discuss it anymore and only apartment details from now on. This is what I have to stick to, no matter what he says to me and no matter whether he breaks down crying again to me.

KBMK · Nov 28, 2020 at 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

So I fell down and backtracked emotionally. I was doing SO well ignoring him and not engaging in any arguments or back and forth with him for a good 24 hours after Thanksgiving. Then he tried to tell me more BS lies and excuses, and I lost it all over again on him. The rage came back and I let loose, confronting him with the truth.

This is senseless. I have got to disengage permanently, but he keeps telling me these weak excuses, so i counter argue with him, telling him as it really is/was.

I am angry with myself.

It's mega hard to get out of these patterns. You were focused on trying to make yourself heard, and make your relationship work for a long time. You can't expect yourself to just switch that off. It's sad that he doesn't care!
You do have to take your focus off HIM, and put it on your self, and your situation. Easier said than done though.
It helped me to think of the divorce as getting out of a contract. He broke the contract of your marriage, you didn't. He's had fair warning, sack him.
You're honestly doing better with this than I did. Don't beat yourself up, though. Remember intermittent reinforcement puts you in a kind of addicted state. You're not bad for engaging, but it's bad for you. Give yourself some TLC, and keep praying, you will get through!

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 09:59 AM

And I hope he IS suffering. I want him to suffer as much as I am, and I want him to hurt as much as I am. He claims to me that he wants to die and cannot live without me. He claimed this morning that he was shaking and sobbing and breaking out in hives. He breaks out in hives from upset and stress. He told me yesterday that he is not mentally well. I hope he IS sick. I wish a truck would run him over. I wish death and immense physical pain upon him.... not really, but you get the gist. I'd love to kick him where it counts. This is how deep my rage is towards him.

I hope soon enough I can start working towards healing and towards feeling some amount of inner peace.

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

It's mega hard to get out of these patterns. You were focused on trying to make yourself heard, and make your relationship work for a long time. You can't expect yourself to just switch that off. It's sad that he doesn't care!
You do have to take your focus off HIM, and put it on your self, and your situation. Easier said than done though.
It helped me to think of the divorce as getting out of a contract. He broke the contract of your marriage, you didn't. He's had fair warning, sack him.
You're honestly doing better with this than I did. Don't beat yourself up, though. Remember intermittent reinforcement puts you in a kind of addicted state. You're not bad for engaging, but it's bad for you. Give yourself some TLC, and keep praying, you will get through!

Thank you so much.

I will try to take the focus off of him. I have to, for my own sanity and peace. I have no peace right now... only anger.

I like the notion of a contract.

And yes, it's so hard to just switch off the caring.

divine1966 · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:12 AM

I know it’s hard. It’s only normal to be that upset. Who wouldn’t? It’s enraging.

I am not sure you can make him suffer and if he is suffering, it’s likely because he got caught and wish he didn’t and now needs to sleep on air mattress. Of course he tells you how shaken he is and what not, he said that many times before. He likely believes you’ll take him back again because you did many times after he moped and sobbed. He knows how to play that game well.

It’s very normal to be upset but try to do what’s best for you. Be upset of course but try not to waste it on this loser. Trying focusing on legal actions and moving on. It’s hard but you can do it. Hugs

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I know it’s hard. It’s only normal to be that upset. Who wouldn’t? It’s enraging.

I am not sure you can make him suffer and if he is suffering, it’s likely because he got caught and wish he didn’t and now needs to sleep on air mattress. Of course he tells you how shaken he is and what not, he said that many times before. He likely believes you’ll take him back again because you did many times after he moped and sobbed. He knows how to play that game well.

It’s very normal to be upset but try to do what’s best for you. Be upset of course but try not to waste it on this loser. Trying focusing on legal actions and moving on. It’s hard but you can do it. Hugs

Thanks.

If he can stop trying to give me BS excuses and stop crying to me telling me he doesn't want this, then I can start moving forward and onwards from my rage to logistics. I got caught up again in the drama of it all yesterday. Now I am trying hard to pull back again and avoid conversation.

He is coming home soon this morning to use the shower, to visit with the cats and to move some of his belongings out. I pray I don't get more tears and more sobbing.

And yes, I think he believes I will forgive him.. and that this will just blow over. Yes, I've cried wolf a few times and have backed down. But now i truly mean business, and he will soon enough realize there is no forgiveness and that it's truly over. That's probably why he continues to give me excuses for his behavior.

KBMK · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:33 AM

It is totally unreasonable. You have only been fair, and he is ignoring your agreements, acting as though you should expect nothing, whilst he is entitled to everything he wants. He is probably sad and stressed that he isn't king of the world with queues of women waiting to kiss his feet.
You're entitled to some peace, privacy, and respect. He should be able to take responsibility for the problems he's made for himself, but is obviously too immature and deluded. I don't honestly blame you for wanting him dead

I think if you can act like he IS dead to you, that's better than what he's done... trying to keep you enslaved.
You probably could only make him actually suffer by beating him at his own game, and that would NOT be worth doing, as he would probably be a really rubbish slave, even if you did want one.
Honest impression...good for nothing, drain on society, not worth anybody's time. You will be well rid

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:36 AM

A woman on my abuse forums on FB said his betrayal is like a double betrayal, which is far worse on me emotionally.

He had lied to me ALL of this time, for the last year and a half, saying repeatedly to me that he doesn't even think of other women, he is not "wired' to cheat, and how he would never do such a thing to me. Then after 100 times of hearing this from him, he cheats.

So it IS a double blow.... this is why I am SO enraged..... not only that, but he made love to me too, while courting her simultaneously.

It's SUCH hurtful behavior. And the LIES. The LIES!

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

It is totally unreasonable. You have only been fair, and he is ignoring your agreements, acting as though you should expect nothing, whilst he is entitled to everything he wants. He is probably sad and stressed that he isn't king of the world with queues of women waiting to kiss his feet.
You're entitled to some peace, privacy, and respect. He should be able to take responsibility for the problems he's made for himself, but is obviously too immature and deluded. I don't honestly blame you for wanting him dead

I think if you can act like he IS dead to you, that's better than what he's done... trying to keep you enslaved.
You probably could only make him actually suffer by beating him at his own game, and that would NOT be worth doing, as he would probably be a really rubbish slave, even if you did want one.
Honest impression...good for nothing, drain on society, not worth anybody's time. You will be well rid

Thank you.

I WILL try to act like he's dead to me. I will try my hardest.

GOOD RIDDANCE to him. I agree. He is a deadbeat, good for nothing loser.

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 10:51 AM

I guess one thing that is tripping me up in all of this: I am STILL expecting him to behave normally and respectfully, when he has proven over and over and over again, that he has no respect and no regard. HIs lies to me all this time about how he would never cheat on me, just point to a serious deficit in his character, which I had seen before.

I really did NOT need this kind of blow, however, or pain.

Have Hope · Nov 28, 2020 at 11:18 AM

This is a MOST disturbing truth about narcissists:

Narcissists and sociopaths are masters of pathological lying. They gain a sense of “duping delight” from being able to pull the wool over the eyes of their many romantic prospects. Sometimes, they lie to protect themselves and to prevent themselves from being caught cheating. They may lie about where they were the night before or tell elaborate tales about who the “friend” they were seen with really was.

However, other times, they may lie even when they have no reason to do so at all. For them, it’s about power – and being able to control a person’s perception gives them a thrill and sadistic sense of superiority and pleasure.

When it comes to infidelity, a narcissist or sociopath has no qualms lying to your face all while emphasizing how much they value honesty and transparency. They may have a primary girlfriend or boyfriend, even a spouse who they have (at least on the surface) committed to. Perhaps they even post romantic pictures with their significant partner and praise them on social media. However, they will not think twice about cheating on and gaslighting those same partners.

They also have no moral code that would prevent them from doing the unthinkable – no time limits or boundaries on when, where or how they’ll cheat or even who they’ll cheat with. They could be on a romantic vacation in Italy with you, all while swiping on Tinder and sending explicit videos to strangers. Or, if you’re not their primary partner, they could be spending the weekends with their girlfriend all while taking you out on weeknights. You would never know, unless you began investigating.

As they do this, the risk of getting caught only adds to the thrill. They enjoy manipulating. They enjoy the sex, the resources, the endless supply of admiration coming their way. But most of all? They enjoy being able to get away with it.

5 Signs You're Dating A Cheating Narcissist

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,364 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 27, 2020 at 07:29 PM #744 If he thought it was over he had to say so and file for divorce and at the very least not sleep with you. He is a liar. Don’t engage. And even if he did not cheat, this relationship is too unhealthy to survive

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,082 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Nov 28, 2020 at 01:26 AM #746 I sent this video to him tonight: I said it sums everything up. Guster - "Either Way" [Live Acoustic w/ the Guster String Players] - YouTube __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes