I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I think that's spot on, and he had proven how disturbed he is.

"A Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it."

That last bit's where it can get dangerous, if they're getting away with stuff and pushing it. I think it's very lucky you caught him out!
Just don't believe anything he tells you. It will just keep tripping you up if you do

PERFECT. That prayer captures ALL of it.

I am trying hard not to engage in much conversation about the infidelity. All I get is what you listed above .. more BS and more lies.

I don't believe a single word he has to say about this. And if he tries to claim I deserved it because I called the police? Yeah...... I did not deserve him cheating on me whatsoever, and on matter what.

Yesterday he did try to finally tell me that there is no excuse for his actions.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 10:43 AM

I changed my FB status to "separated'. His still says "married", though he did change his profile pic to include just himself, as I had requested. I have delated all pics of him off my facebook except for our wedding "album".

I tore up our wedding pics in the home and left them for him on the kitchen table to see. I did that the day i found out about the infidelity. I've thrown out all bday and holiday cards between us this morning. And I've thrown out anything that we had as a couple that was memorabilia from our honeymoon.

I think given that he hasn't changed his FB status to separated indicates he may still think there is hope. I am suspecting he will try to be and plead again one more time. But I could be wrong.

divine1966 · Nov 29, 2020 at 10:52 AM

It’s totally normal to be upset. It would be weird if you weren’t.

I’d not be checking his Facebook. It’s often detrimental to your well being since you might see something you’d rather not. Facebook status doesn’t really mean anything, to be honest. In addition many people consider themselves married until divorce is final or maybe separated after divorce is filed or formal separation was filed. Technically speaking you are married, so I’d not overanalyze that. Maybe he was busy with something and didn’t bother with Facebook. Who knows.

He probably would hope you’ll take him back, but try not to worry about it. I’d try to stop thinking about infidelity and just focus on the fact that marriage has been unhealthy for a long time and it had no future. It’s better it ended now then 10 years from now.

Focus on the fact that you wanted out for awhile because it wasn’t working and you finally followed through. That’s a positive thought.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

just focus on the fact that marriage has been unhealthy for a long time and it had no future. It’s better it ended now then 10 years from now.

Focus on the fact that you wanted out for awhile because it wasn’t working and you finally followed through. That’s a positive thought.

Definitely better now than 10 years from now. Imagine the damage he could cause in that amount of time. AND his body I am sure will give out on him, and that he will have to go on disability at some point, and some poor woman will have to financially take care of him. I am sure of it. He's a mess physically and his body cannot keep this up for 10-20 more years. I see him as being disabled.... and if I had stayed, and THEN left, I'd be paying alimony.

Best I get out right now. And yes, I've wanted this over from the moment it began.. the marriage that is.

I will try to focus on this, instead. You're right. It's a far more positive place for me to be mentally.

KBMK · Nov 29, 2020 at 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

PERFECT. That prayer captures ALL of it.

I am trying hard not to engage in much conversation about the infidelity. All I get is what you listed above .. more BS and more lies.

I don't believe a single word he has to say about this. And if he tries to claim I deserved it because I called the police? Yeah...... I did not deserve him cheating on me whatsoever, and on matter what.

Yesterday he did try to finally tell me that there is no excuse for his actions.

He says there's no excuse...it would be good if he believes that, but he's hardly acting like it. The fact that he cried to you "you hate me", sounds like he's using your behaviour as an excuse, whether he says that, or not. V confusing, but I can remember this pattern...
"You think I'm a bad person. I'm going to convince you I am a good person. PROBLEM solved."
All those "good times" (in my abusive relationship, at least), fit with this pattern. In a narcissistic mind, their behaviour is never a problem, your perception is the problem.
He really is responsible for ALL his behaviour. It's unlikely he would confront you about it being your fault, but if that "prayer" fits with his beliefs, he could well start acting like it.
I hope you don't get anymore ill treatment from him

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

He says there's no excuse...it would be good if he believes that, but he's hardly acting like it. The fact that he cried to you "you hate me", sounds like he's using your behaviour as an excuse, whether he says that, or not. V confusing, but I can remember this pattern...
"You think I'm a bad person. I'm going to convince you I am a good person. PROBLEM solved."
All those "good times" (in my abusive relationship, at least), fit with this pattern. In a narcissistic mind, their behaviour is never a problem, your perception is the problem.
He really is responsible for ALL his behaviour. It's unlikely he would confront you about it being your fault, but if that "prayer" fits with his beliefs, he could well start acting like it.
I hope you don't get anymore ill treatment from him

Yes, it's a pattern and it's highly manipulative.. he's a master at manipulation I've figured out. He will say anything in the moment to either deflect blame or to win me back over.

This morning from him I got the "if you miss me in the future and want to reconcile, I am happy to get help. I miss you terribly."

I didn't even reply to that part of his text.

divine1966 · Nov 29, 2020 at 02:05 PM

That’s ridiculous. If he wanted to get help he’d get help, he’d not be waiting for you to miss him. And help with what? Not being a liar and a user? I really doubt there’s any help for that. It’s a character flaw and by his age he is who he is.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 02:06 PM

He's leaving me two of his TVs out of kindness OR guilt OR to manipulate me, AND he's leaving me a $1000 Boise sound system for the TV.

Then because he's doing so, he asked me for $100 to cover him for the week, and he'll pay me back on Friday. I reluctantly said yes and informed him there will be NO additional requests for me to cover him financially from now on. And that he will have to borrow from others from now on. I only gave in because he's helping me right now by paying rent for the next 2 months, so I am playing nice. But I told him how hard it is for me, given what he's done to me. I made that 100% clear.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s ridiculous. If he wanted to get help he’d get help, he’d not be waiting for you to miss him. And help with what? Not being a liar and a user? I really doubt there’s any help for that. It’s a character flaw and by his age he is who he is.

You said it. It's his character. There's no changing a liar and a cheater. He is still trying to manipulate me. And I know he will NOT seek any help on his own. Not one bit.

KBMK · Nov 29, 2020 at 02:19 PM

It's a common manipulation tactic (and something sales people do) to make you offers you can't refuse, then once you've said YES they'll apply stipulations. I would be wary of giving him any more power or validation, and just stick to your own plans. I wouldn't be telling him any of your plans, either, just that you are doing what you need to do because you can't have a marriage without respect. Any of these promises I would laugh off "you do that haha". If if if, but but but...if he wanted help to stop being abusive, he would have taken it already. He is clearly happy to carry on abusing

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

It's a common manipulation tactic (and something sales people do) to make you offers you can't refuse, then once you've said YES they'll apply stipulations. I would be wary of giving him any more power or validation, and just stick to your own plans. I wouldn't be telling him any of your plans, either, just that you are doing what you need to do because you can't have a marriage without respect. Any of these promises I would laugh off "you do that haha". If if if, but but but...if he wanted help to stop being abusive, he would have taken it already. He is clearly happy to carry on abusing

If him leaving the TVs comes with additional stipulations, I will give them right back to him.

He still doesn't even believe that he IS abusive. His so called acknowledgement of all the abuse is out the window - he began to later backtrack and deny it all over again. What a SOB. He cannot take ANY responsibility. He's just an abuser. Period. And of course he will continue to abuse, lie and manipulate.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 02:57 PM

Again, he brings up reconciliation just now. He repeated the same message: If I miss him and want to reconcile and get help together, he will be ready.

Whatever.

I am SO done with this relationship. He really thinks he can win me back? NO CHANCE.

divine1966 · Nov 29, 2020 at 03:56 PM

TVs are so cheap now it’s not even funny. Plus most people update their TVs every few years anyways. Who cares about his stupid TVs

divine1966 · Nov 29, 2020 at 04:02 PM

Him paying rent for two months isn’t any kind of special thing. He is moving out before lease is over. Who did he think would be paying rent?

Who doesn’t have $100??? He had no business getting married if he doesn’t have flipping 100 bucks. If he stops eating out and buying weed, he’ll have $100. I’d not give it to him. I would if he was taking care of my child full time or became disabled or was in some type of natural disaster all of a sudden or something. There are plenty of ways to manage or borrow elsewhere. He will keep you tangled up and doing this song and dance. He gave you TVs, he is borrowing money, then he’ll need to come over bring the money back etc

I bet you he needs 100 bucks to score some weed or stronger drugs. No way I’d be giving money to people who spend it on substances and then cry a river. He wants you to keep enabling him even after you tell split. Enough supporting his drug habits

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 04:12 PM

I gave him the $100 and said it's the very last time I am covering him. I also have to cover him for his bank loan due on Dec 3rd. He's paying it all back on Dec 4th. I told him find others to help you, but it's not going to be ME from now on. And I told him how hard it is for me to even be lending him money under the circumstances. I only did it so that I can keep the two TVs and so that he will follow through on paying rent for the next 2 months. I have to play nice a bit now.

Let's not further discuss the $100. It's done.

And for me, having those TVs is HUGE. I don't have the money to buy new ones, except for out the bank loan. I am home alone ALL day long. It's COVID. ALL I have is TV. I need these, so I am most grateful he is leaving them for me.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 04:37 PM

I camped out at my parents all afternoon to avoid seeing him while he does laundry and clears out some of his belongings. It's frustrating to not be able to be home right now, but this is what I am going to have to deal with over the next 2 months.

divine1966 · Nov 29, 2020 at 05:39 PM

It’s good you have your parents not too far.

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s good you have your parents not too far.

Thank goodness I do! AND my sister is close by too, but she's far busier and is les available. I can camp out at my parents' home at any time. They have a small den where I can close the door, watch movies and be on my computer doing my own thing for several hours. It helps!!!!

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 08:03 PM

I'd like to do some personal healing at home.. maybe with some meditative YouTube videos. I want to find ones having to do with healing from narcissistic abuse, specifically. Anyone have any suggestions?

Have Hope · Nov 29, 2020 at 09:04 PM

You know what??? I've made progress!!!!! I am now working on moving on, on my healing process and towards focusing more on my future, vs the past few years with my husband.

I am ready for healing.... and recovery. I am listening to my favorite music all by myself in my apartment right now, I am dancing in my living room and I am LOVING IT!

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 29, 2020 at 02:05 PM #787 That’s ridiculous. If he wanted to get help he’d get help, he’d not be waiting for you to miss him. And help with what? Not being a liar and a user? I really doubt there’s any help for that. It’s a character flaw and by his age he is who he is.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 29, 2020 at 03:56 PM #793 TVs are so cheap now it’s not even funny. Plus most people update their TVs every few years anyways. Who cares about his stupid TVs

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 29, 2020 at 05:39 PM #797 It’s good you have your parents not too far.

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,083 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Nov 29, 2020 at 08:03 PM #799 I'd like to do some personal healing at home.. maybe with some meditative YouTube videos. I want to find ones having to do with healing from narcissistic abuse, specifically. Anyone have any suggestions? __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes