I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

divine1966 · Nov 30, 2020 at 09:47 AM

When you start working with a lawyer, then you can tell him to communicate through your lawyer and block him. He won’t be able to text you. He isn’t comfortable on the air mattress in a tiny room and hopes to have a comfort of a nice two bedroom and expensive bed. He is full of it. Yes he was absolutely lining up his next victim. And it’s possible that HE would leave you if it worked out with this woman. That likely was a plan. He isn’t liking it that he was dumped.

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

When you start working with a lawyer, then you can tell him to communicate through your lawyer and block him. He won’t be able to text you. He isn’t comfortable on the air mattress in a tiny room and hopes to have a comfort of a nice two bedroom and expensive bed. He is full of it. Yes he was absolutely lining up his next victim. And it’s possible that HE would leave you if it worked out with this woman. That likely was a plan. He isn’t liking it that he was dumped.

I have to keep communications open with him about apartment and moving details for a while yet. I cannot block him even once divorce process starts.

He bought a new mattress on Sat, so he returned my air mattress.

And I have no doubt he was trying to be the one to leave. Why else tell me it was "necessary" that he communicate or flirt with her? Necessary so that he's not the one getting dumped!

I ruined ALL his plans. LOL.

KBMK · Nov 30, 2020 at 10:07 AM

I know you still want to be heard by h... HEARD, but every time you say "he" here, or say "you" to him, it's just feeding the abuse cycle, which is going on as long as h... THAT is. I'm not going to say any more about h... That.
I don't think you need it at all. Think you'll be much better off without it! Just look at the start of every sentence...

I am lost without you. I am so sad without you I am floundering without you I want to fix this so badly. I want to mend your heart. I am so sorry for everything. It wasn’t supposed to end you were right. I beg you to put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that is still there. I want to be there for you and help you will ask what I was thinking and All I know is that I still love you.

That could have been sent to anybody. How about...

"I am not lost. I am not sad. I am not floundering. I can't fix this. I have a strong heart. I have nothing to be sorry for. It had to end because it was wrong. I put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that I have for myself. I can only help myself. "

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I know you still want to be heard by h... HEARD, but every time you say "he" here, or say "you" to him, it's just feeding the abuse cycle, which is going on as long as h... THAT is. I'm not going to say any more about h... That.
I don't think you need it at all. Think you'll be much better off without it! Just look at the start of every sentence...

I am lost without you. I am so sad without you I am floundering without you I want to fix this so badly. I want to mend your heart. I am so sorry for everything. It wasn’t supposed to end you were right. I beg you to put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that is still there. I want to be there for you and help you will ask what I was thinking and All I know is that I still love you.

That could have been sent to anybody. How about...

"I am not lost. I am not sad. I am not floundering. I can't fix this. I have a strong heart. I have nothing to be sorry for. It had to end because it was wrong. I put aside the hurt and anger and see the love that I have for myself. I can only help myself. "

Thank you.

I don't quite follow your post, but I think your revised quote at the end is supposed to be ME talking?

He IS pulling on my heart strings a tiny bit by pleading with me in this way. But it's mostly not working. I am strong and adamant in my stance.

And I wanted to reply to his text with greater strength. He cannot manipulate me any further.

KBMK · Nov 30, 2020 at 10:40 AM

Sorry, that wasn't as clear as I imagined. My point is that it looks like you are still very much manipulated into second-guessing, defending yourself (as though you are being attacked), and ultimately demoting your own needs to keep peace.
Why does there need to be open communication? If you want the abuse to end, blocking is perfectly reasonable.
You were enjoying your freedom, so what changed? I know it's a tough time, but I don't see how abuse makes things any better

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 10:55 AM

You don't understand. We have to keep open communication because he will be moving things out of the apartment for the next two months. We have to communicate. I am not defending myself and I am not second guessing myself. He is begging and pleading with me, and there is nothing more that can be said right now on it. I am remaining strong and I am not allowing him to manipulate my emotions OR sway me into the relationship. I am being strong..... I need encouragement to keep being strong and adamant with him because it does pull on my heart strings a tiny tiny bit, naturally.

KBMK · Nov 30, 2020 at 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

You don't understand. We have to keep open communication because he will be moving things out of the apartment for the next two months. We have to communicate. I am not defending myself and I am not second guessing myself. He is begging and pleading with me, and there is nothing more that can be said right now on it. I am remaining strong and I am not allowing him to manipulate my emotions OR sway me into the relationship. I am being strong..... I need encouragement to keep being strong and adamant with him because it does pull on my heart strings a tiny tiny bit, naturally.

I see what you're saying. You want to be strong and adamant with him. I get that. I didn't really see it from that point of view at all

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I see what you're saying. You want to be strong and adamant with him. I get that. I didn't really see it from that point of view at all

YES. He is now pleading with me and I have a feeling that it will continue. I have to have strong boundaries and not allow him to weaken my stance OR my boundaries. I want to remain firm.

KBMK · Nov 30, 2020 at 01:56 PM

The problem is that he violates your boundaries, so talking about your boundaries is just telling him which lines to cross. You have to defend your boundaries by putting distance between you.
I don't think there's a way of being strong with him, just being strong without him, and keeping him out

Have Hope · 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

The problem is that he violates your boundaries, so talking about your boundaries is just telling him which lines to cross. You have to defend your boundaries by putting distance between you.
I don't think there's a way of being strong with him, just being strong without him, and keeping him out

I have to confront his continued lies. He continues to lie to me about what he did, so I continue to confront him over the lies. Then I end the conversation.

Debating about how I respond to him right now isn't helping me any. I just need to feel supported through this process and strengthened.

Thank you for all your support so far through this.

KBMK · Nov 30, 2020 at 03:00 PM

OK, wishing you all the luck in the world! I am not understanding why you want/need to keep confronting him or helping him move out...it doesn't compute, sorry. Hope you get what you want out of it one way or another, anyway

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

OK, wishing you all the luck in the world! I am not understanding why you want/need to keep confronting him or helping him move out...it doesn't compute, sorry. Hope you get what you want out of it one way or another, anyway

I am not helping him to move out.

And I feel really misunderstood.

I guess to you it doesn't make sense, but for me it's absolutely necessary to not let him get away with continued lying. I am standing up for myself with him, every single time he tries to manipulate me or lie to me.

What's so hard to understand about that?

Throughout this entire thread, I've made it clear that I stand up for myself with him, each and every time. He now continues to lie and manipulate, so I push back and I don't allow it.

I don't understand where you're coming from.

I guess we should just agree to not see eye to eye on this. I do need the support through this whole process, however. It's not even close to ending yet. It's just beginning.

divine1966 · Nov 30, 2020 at 03:36 PM

I understand the desire to let him know how wrong he is.

But honestly that’s how people like him keep themselves relevant and keep their victims hooked and engaged. They accuse you then they cry then they profess love then accuse again. All with hopes that victim keeps being engaged and provides them with ego boost.

Honestly fighting with abusers or telling them how wrong they are isn’t really standing against abusers or enforcing boundaries. He violates your boundaries and engages you in arguments and you fighting back is just allowing him to continue with this dance. It actually perpetuates abuse.

Standing up against abusers and keeping boundaries would include telling them off but then don’t associate with them after. Don’t make them relevant.

I get it you have to talk about apartment and finances. And I understand that’s so tempting to keep arguing but that’s not how you stop abuse. He continues to violate boundaries and continues abuse.

You’ll maintain your boundaries and stand against abuse by not engaging unless it’s business

KBMK · Nov 30, 2020 at 03:38 PM

I do find it hard to understand, sorry! It's not on purpose. It's just that you keep saying "with him", even though you seemed happier with your freedom, and possibly getting legal aid divorcing. I did ask what you need with him?
It just isn't clear to me. You don't have to explain anything. It's just when you were asking about responses, I didn't think of it as you wanting to confront him. I don't see that the same as standing against it, more as playing his game, cause he's still getting attention with his lies.
That's just the way I see it.

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 03:51 PM

Well, the bottom line is he shut up, he isn't texting me, and I am not texting him.

I aim to keep all conversations to a minimum, and only regarding important apartment details.

He begged and pleaded with me this morning. So I responded, and I shut him down. The texting did not go on for very long.

I am simply trying to extricate myself from the abuse, from him, and from his lies and manipulations. But I WILL shut him down if he begs and pleads again. OR I will just ignore it the next time he tries it with me.

divine1966 · Nov 30, 2020 at 03:57 PM

Good job, ignoring is the best.

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 06:18 PM

Yes, if he pleads again I will simply say "enough".

Tonight I am depressed. I feel the loneliness and the isolation. The house feels very empty without him. I am sad.

Last night, I felt joy and I felt like myself again. I was celebrating that feeling.

And now? I feel the opposite - downhearted, sad and depressed.

divine1966 · Nov 30, 2020 at 06:38 PM

It’s normal to feel the way you feel

Have Hope · Nov 30, 2020 at 07:03 PM

Yeah, it is normal. I know I will go through a range of emotions over this. And it is an ending... something to mourn.

I am watching the movie, Enough, to keep me angry and pissed off at him. It's about a physically abused wife who escapes her husband finally.

divine1966 · Nov 30, 2020 at 07:19 PM

Don’t watch the kind of movies. Watch light or uplifting stuff. The last thing you need is to watch depressing stuff.

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KBMK Member Member Since Aug 2020 Location: Cumbria Posts: 402 3 612 hugs given	Nov 30, 2020 at 01:56 PM #829 The problem is that he violates your boundaries, so talking about your boundaries is just telling him which lines to cross. You have to defend your boundaries by putting distance between you. I don't think there's a way of being strong with him, just being strong without him, and keeping him out

KBMK Member Member Since Aug 2020 Location: Cumbria Posts: 402 3 612 hugs given	Nov 30, 2020 at 03:00 PM #831 OK, wishing you all the luck in the world! I am not understanding why you want/need to keep confronting him or helping him move out...it doesn't compute, sorry. Hope you get what you want out of it one way or another, anyway

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 30, 2020 at 03:57 PM #836 Good job, ignoring is the best.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 30, 2020 at 06:38 PM #838 It’s normal to feel the way you feel

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 30, 2020 at 07:19 PM #840 Don’t watch the kind of movies. Watch light or uplifting stuff. The last thing you need is to watch depressing stuff.