Large Age Gap and Narcissistic Tendencies

Dltf · Oct 31, 2020 at 10:30 AM

I understand what a red flag is and I don’t need a long winded explanation on what it is. I just wanted some outside perspectives, is his relationship with his mother healthy? I know his behavior is incredibly childish and narcissistic.

unaluna · Oct 31, 2020 at 10:40 AM

His mother is the boss of him, and he wants to be the boss of you. But they will be the boss of any children - you will just be the baby-maker.

If thats what you want - and it probably means not having even any female friends - then cool. You probably wont have to work, except for housework and the kids. And the old lady.

It probably sounds tempting now, what with covid and all. If you dont value your personal freedom.

Eta - cuz the old lady could die tomorrow. Or not. Why dont you talk to the exes?

Bill3 · Oct 31, 2020 at 12:57 PM

Quote:

I just wanted some outside perspectives, is his relationship with his mother healthy?

For you? No, I don't think it is. You said that you don't want things the way that he wants them. If you accept what he wants anyways, it will be unhealthy for you.

If you are asking whether the relationship, by itself, reveals something unhealthy about him: I don't know the answer to that question.

MsLady · Oct 31, 2020 at 02:27 PM

Having a parent move in with us, due to their age and situation is healthy, common, and appropriate. Many cultures do this world wide, instead of putting them in a care home. Seniors who spend time with their grandchildren tend to live longer and happier.

I also think it's nice and appropriate to invite them on family vacations. They're often lonely and may have limited purpose in life, tire easily, etc.. particularly if they've been widowed.

So, to answer your question, yes it is healthy to request this.

I can understand why you're feeling resistant..

1) Your age. It's a big responsibility to take on at such a young age and I wouldn't advise it for you.

2) There's other concerns going on with him. It could be cultural-based or something to be heightenedly concerned about. If you're picking up on red flags, bail out now.

I am his age. I've been through many things in life and can tell you with certainty, you will be facing a lot of hardship if you choose to stay in this relationship.

I'm sorry.

divine1966 · Oct 31, 2020 at 02:46 PM

It’s hard for people to say what’s healthy for your life and your relationship. You have to go by what does or doesn’t work for you. It’s healthy to bring elderly parents to live with you if you just look at it in general but in this particular situation it’s probably not particularly healthy. The way this guy goes about it, I’d bail. He doesn’t consider your point of view and thats not healthy

Dltf · Oct 31, 2020 at 04:34 PM

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I’m questioning why he lives with his mom at age 42, when he has the means to move out, and have her cook for him, clean up, etc. Yes, he does contribute to the household in other ways and provides for his mom. But wanting daily contact with her, taking her to live with him on a deserted island for lifetime, him canceling dates to help her with “something”, I don’t know but it screams enmeshment. I’m still trying to figure it out, I understand we all love our families (if it’s an otherwise normal healthy upbringing) but I feel he’s not psychologically oriented for a relationship, much less marriage. Am I just ruminating too much on this, I feel like I’m stuck with my thoughts on this and I talked with a few people in my close circle to get an outside perspective

hvert · Oct 31, 2020 at 06:32 PM

Everything you think is weird about him and his mother seems pretty weird to me too.

MsLady · Oct 31, 2020 at 07:12 PM

I guess it really doesn't matter what we think. It clearly bothers you and you feel this level of connectedness is unhealthy. You own your thoughts and feelings so I would just go with your gut instincts and let this one go.

Are you wanting to be with him? Is he marriage material to you? Can you see yourself having children with him? Are there more pros than cons on your list?

Bill3 · Oct 31, 2020 at 07:40 PM

Quote:

him canceling dates to help her with “something”

This really made my ears perk up. For cancelling dates to happen in the plural seems to me to indicate where his top priorities are.

Whether or not their relationship represents "enmeshment", it does seem to take priority over his relationship with you. In other words, their relationship doesn't have be proven to be pathological in order for you to opt out. If you don't want the arrangement that he is offering, by all means step away.

divine1966 · Oct 31, 2020 at 09:18 PM

I’d not want a relationship with a man who thinks I should worship the ground he is walking on. Regardless if he lives with his mother or alone, you can do better than this man. At 23 or at any age you have options. Don’t sell yourself short

MsLady · Nov 01, 2020 at 12:36 AM

Canceling dates? Makes me wonder if he's seeing someone else, as well.. ?

divine1966 · Nov 01, 2020 at 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

Canceling dates? Makes me wonder if he's seeing someone else, as well.. ?

I thought the same thing. Dating more than one person. I also thought that when he says he is “spending most evenings with his mom” might not necessarily be true. He could be spending it doing who knows what. He simply isn’t available

Dltf · Nov 01, 2020 at 08:32 AM

He’s not seeing anyone else. That I’m certain of and I’m not going to detail why I believe this. That’s just pure speculation, he prefers to be home watching tv with her most evenings.

Either way, I will have a discussion with him and go over my concerns. Thanks again everyone

divine1966 · Nov 01, 2020 at 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dltf

He’s not seeing anyone else. That I’m certain of and I’m not going to detail why I believe this. That’s just pure speculation, he prefers to be home watching tv with her most evenings.

Either way, I will have a discussion with him and go over my concerns. Thanks again everyone

If he prefers to hang out with her most evenings rather than with you, that’s your answer. He is unavailable. Doesn’t matter why he is unavailable. It’s not always other women.

Could be preoccupations with jobs, hobbies, substances, friends etc sometimes seeking unavailable men might be due to upbringing and its subconscious.

I used to get attracted to unavailable men myself, took me a bit to get myself to stop the pattern. You are still young. You can share your concerns with him but if he is unavailable at age 42, it’s unlikely he’ll be available all of a sudden. Plus I think you deserve better. If a man doesn’t prefer you, no amount of talking will change that.

You will meet a man who’ll prefer your company (not saying he should abandon other things in life) but the way you describe this guy he is not relationship material at all.

Open Eyes · Nov 01, 2020 at 11:35 AM

What he is showing you is a relationship has to be on his terms. His availability will always be on his terms with anyone. That's why he is still single.

MsLady · Nov 01, 2020 at 11:42 AM

Quote:

Either way, I will have a discussion with him and go over my concerns.

Haven't you already.. multiple times? I'm not sure what validation you're going to get from him now. If he prefers to watch TV with his mom, that's your answer. If you can convince him to do otherwise, it won't last.

What do you suppose will happen when his mom passes on? If you feel this may be enmeshment, how will that behaviour translate over to you when she's gone?

divine1966 · Nov 01, 2020 at 11:50 AM

You can’t make people to be more into you that they are. You can have a discussion about him not leaving wet towel on the floor or forgetting to take garbage out. Those are not fundamental values. You can’t discuss that you want people to enjoy your company more. Its pointless. They either do or they don’t. That’s who he is and that’s where he is in life.

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Dltf New Member Member Since Oct 2020 Location: USA Posts: 7 3	Oct 31, 2020 at 10:30 AM #21 I understand what a red flag is and I don’t need a long winded explanation on what it is. I just wanted some outside perspectives, is his relationship with his mother healthy? I know his behavior is incredibly childish and narcissistic.
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hvert Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2014 Location: US Posts: 4,887 10 3,785 hugs given	Oct 31, 2020 at 06:32 PM #27 Everything you think is weird about him and his mother seems pretty weird to me too.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,376 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Oct 31, 2020 at 09:18 PM #30 I’d not want a relationship with a man who thinks I should worship the ground he is walking on. Regardless if he lives with his mother or alone, you can do better than this man. At 23 or at any age you have options. Don’t sell yourself short
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MsLady Poohbah Member Since Mar 2020 Location: Earth Posts: 1,143 4 360 hugs given	Nov 01, 2020 at 12:36 AM #31 Canceling dates? Makes me wonder if he's seeing someone else, as well.. ?
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Dltf New Member Member Since Oct 2020 Location: USA Posts: 7 3	Nov 01, 2020 at 08:32 AM #33 He’s not seeing anyone else. That I’m certain of and I’m not going to detail why I believe this. That’s just pure speculation, he prefers to be home watching tv with her most evenings. Either way, I will have a discussion with him and go over my concerns. Thanks again everyone
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,117 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Nov 01, 2020 at 11:35 AM #35 What he is showing you is a relationship has to be on his terms. His availability will always be on his terms with anyone. That's why he is still single.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,376 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 01, 2020 at 11:50 AM #37 You can’t make people to be more into you that they are. You can have a discussion about him not leaving wet towel on the floor or forgetting to take garbage out. Those are not fundamental values. You can’t discuss that you want people to enjoy your company more. Its pointless. They either do or they don’t. That’s who he is and that’s where he is in life.
	Reply With Quote