Help: How to Stop Oversharing

I have a poor relationship with my parents, one reason is because I'm an oversharer. I've spent the past ten years telling the endless doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist exactly how I feel, what my thoughts are, how I'm doing. And before the wildfire, I'd do exactly the same with my parents and they welcomed it.

But after the fire, it's been the opposite: my parents tell me exactly how they feel, what their thoughts are, what they've been doing...and they don't reciprocate with my needs to share how I'm feeling or what I'm doing.

They take no interest in it. They play with their phones while I'm trying to have a conversation with them, they roll their eyes when I talk about school, they get angry with me when I talk about what's going on in my life, or they'll flat out say, "stop telling us about yourself and your life"

And all I can think of doing is continuing to overshare details of my life!

I have a deep desire to have that relationship I once had with my parents. I want to feel heard. I want to feel wanted and loved, and yet I feel like a nuisance or unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. I want a connection and a real relationship where I don't feel so lonely. I also feel pressure to be open and honest about everything because that's what I've been conditioned by medical professionals to do.

I don't know how else to communicate.

But these details of my life slip out of me like word vomit, and it only makes the situation worse. I don't know what to do to not overshare. And they don't seem so dramatically TMI...my parents really don't want me involved in their lives anymore, yet they don't want me to move unless I get married (because who else will take care of poor fragile me when they're gone?)

I'm at a loss.

Lark, what would happen if you told your parents you miss the way all of you used to communicate? Maybe write it out and practice ahead of time to avoid "over sharing"?

You've mentioned this problem in other threads. I have NEVER seen you over share here at PC. Your posts are articulate and well written. Can you use those skills verbally when talking to your parents?

Having said that, do you over share with anyone besides your parents? The reason I ask is because I used to do something similar with my father and husband. Like you said, I would vomit words trying to get them to hear and understand me. The problem was not with me though. The problem was they did not give a rat's butt and did not want to listen. Your parents' behavior sounds similar. They're behavior is rude and inconsiderate.

“...my parents really don't want me involved in their lives anymore, yet they don't want me to move unless I get married (because who else will take care of poor fragile me”

^I thought I was the last one in my generation to experience this. When I tried to move out on my own, I was sabotaged with subtle comments. How do you feel about your parents plan for you to move out by getting married?

I find it highly unusual for parents not allowing AN ADULT to move out. I literally can’t think of such thing happening and I know a lot of people. I know in some cultures women don’t move out until married but this is US and you don’t seem to be in very religious traditional culture

I think they are doing it because they don’t think you can manage on your own. They aren’t doing it because they enjoy having you around (otherwise they’d like to listen to you more). Is there any way to show them a plan on how you’ll be managing on your own?

It may be worthwhile to ask them about their change in behaviours pre vs post fire. How did this fire impact all of you?

I'd also ask them why they feel it's important that you live at home until you're married. Is there a financial gain for them to have you live at home? Do they think you're incapable of living on your own? If so, why?

There seems to be a lot of unknowns here and I wouldn't bother guessing.

In terms of over-sharing, the operative word here is "over". It's one thing to share your life with someone, it's another to do so with too much details. It's lacking filters and a very selfish way of communicating.

When they talk about their lives, do you respond by talking about yourself? Do you enquire more about their thoughts and feelings about said scenario they shared with you?

How to stop? Find a balance. Try not to monopolize the conversations (not suggesting you are, btw) and ask more open ended questions about their experiences. Also, summarize your stories. Maybe script it out (mentally, even) ahead of time. What details can you omit?

If they used to listen to you and things have since changed, it sounds like the problem is coming from your end and they're not handling it very well. It might be a good question to ask them.

Talking to a therapist is different. They are being paid to listen to YOU and offer professional advice. Our family members and friends are not therapists. It's one thing to discuss with them about a hardship, it's another to develop a pattern around this. Again, balance.

It's easier for me to communicate via written word than verbal. All the emotions spill out of me when I verbally express myself and when I get nervous while talking I have a stutter and it's really hard for me to articulate verbally. Also, as a teenager I lashed out a lot and said some really horrible things, so now I'm afraid I'll be angry enough to lash out again. My thoughts are very angry and I feel like screaming sometimes...I haven't screamed at anyone since my teens but it's something I'm afraid of.

I tend to "talk a lot" but I wouldn't consider it oversharing...and when I mean "talk a lot" I mean it takes me a long time to share a story or make a point because I have difficulty saying the right words, but I wouldn't consider "talk a lot" to mean I share the most personal details of myself or say TMI...it just takes me longer to say something. And that bugs my parents. They don't want a roundabout story, just say what happens.

But my grandparents love hearing the long winded story and they love hearing about my day and how I feel and what's going on in my life. And when I talk to my grandparents, it's easier for me to express myself verbally and I am more relaxed. I never dread talking to my grandparents because they've been my cheerleaders throughout my journey at school and in my new home.

And my best friend is also open to the oversharing because she does the same thing too. It's what we do, we share our most innermost thoughts and we vent to each other about parental issues and dating woes. So for us it's natural to overshare.

Hi Literary Lark, I also have over shared and I think at least in my case it could be connected with not having been validated as a child because of emotional neglect. So it's like I'm still seeking it on some level still.

I'm just going to fixate on one thing you wrote that really resonated with me. Your parents don't want you moving out unless you're married. My family isn't that different. My father's cool, but my mother is very over-protective. I managed to move FAR away (1600 miles or so) and rarely come back home.
Do you have a job/career-path? Do you have a means of slowly planning your move from home? Maybe I'm just projecting, but I think it's important to eventually get away from your parents and have your own space. And it's bad for your mental health if you're living with people who have different communication needs.
Let's say you have an issue with over-sharing. Can you commit to a day of not talking to anyone, just to see how it feels? I talk to a lot of friends by phone. Sometimes I think I have an issue with needing to just talk/share too much. I try to tamp it down by writing in a journal once or even twice a day.

You may need to talk to them about how you feel with them, you talk about school, and other things, but you need to talk about what they do to you, and how it makes you feel.