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Old 11-21-2020, 07:21 PM   #21
seesaw
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

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Yes, you do keep up with a lot of studies and it's wonderful that you have all that knowledge and can use it to benefit others, I respect that immensely. You have access to the actual research vs what the average individual reads so that's another huge plus.


I agree that there is more to this challenge than your nephews ADHD. And you are seeing things that are very unhealthy and it's hard to advocate for your nephew when you're dealing with your older brother at the same time who is having his own ongoing challenges. And the wild card is the mother who seems very controlling and that's always a big challenge. Add to that the pandemic and how that limits the way the children can distance for their own mental health which makes it even harder.


Is that beach open that you took your dog to? If it is open that would be a nice place to take your nephews so they can get out and away from the chaos. And they can see how you play with your dog who LOVES to play in the water. This pandemic and all the restrictions have made it hard to distance and do fun things. It's especially hard on young teens and children who really need to experience healthy activities.


Actually, what popped in my mind was these two going to visit your mother at her place where they can get out and explore and be away from the conflict.
I floated the idea of us all driving back east together for the holidays and my brother is contemplating.

I am supposed to go to the dog beach tomorrow. I go early though and I don't know if I can get my nephew up to join me. On weekdays I could probably get him to go though, even though that might affect school.

I'll see if he wants to go.
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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Old 11-21-2020, 07:49 PM   #22
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

Children need to be able to get away from the conflict. They can't be constantly in the middle of it back and forth between the parents.

If you do get him to the beach, even both of them. You can get down on the sand where you are sitting on your legs and show them that exercise I shared with you. It provides the release of energy and at the same time when you let your arms down and your hands hit your legs it allows you to feel yourself. Actually, that's healthier than cutting which is basically looking for release and feeling yourself. Raise the arms up high, take a deep breath then exhale with a big loud sigh dropping arms down and against the legs and body. Do it a few times, it really releases and works.

Something you could show your brother so he can release his tension which he is collecting so he doesn't release it on the children. Ptsd produces too much cortizol and doing this exercise actually releases it instead of having no place to release or understand that's what is needed.
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Old 11-21-2020, 09:38 PM   #23
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

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Children need to be able to get away from the conflict. They can't be constantly in the middle of it back and forth between the parents.


If you do get him to the beach, even both of them. You can get down on the sand where you are sitting on your legs and show them that exercise I shared with you. It provides the release of energy and at the same time when you let your arms down and your hands hit your legs it allows you to feel yourself. Actually, that's healthier than cutting which is basically looking for release and feeling yourself. Raise the arms up high, take a deep breath then exhale with a big loud sigh dropping arms down and against the legs and body. Do it a few times, it really releases and works.


Something you could show your brother so he can release his tension which he is collecting so he doesn't release it on the children. Ptsd produces too much cortizol and doing this exercise actually releases it instead of having no place to release or understand that's what is needed.
Well, they don't want to go tomorrow so it will be a few weeks before we could try to go again. That's okay too. My beach hike is really my personal self care time. Not sure I want others along with me right now.
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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
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Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Old 11-21-2020, 11:14 PM   #24
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

Just to let you know that i am reading wishing and hoping. I dont have much on advice. Except that, if their system is that toxic, then that is their worldview, and they will paint you with that brush.

Of course it is a good idea to change the things they can, like your nephew not being privy to your brother's teletherapy sessions. As long as somebody doesnt end up paying for it? Im saying that from my experience with my family. If i made a suggestion, they would find a way to twist it.

My mother once said to me, "why are you so concerned about your nephew? It's not your kid." I was dumbfounded. I guess for some people, the village can go suck eggs.

My heart is with you.
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Old 11-21-2020, 11:45 PM   #25
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

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Just to let you know that i am reading wishing and hoping. I dont have much on advice. Except that, if their system is that toxic, then that is their worldview, and they will paint you with that brush.


Of course it is a good idea to change the things they can, like your nephew not being privy to your brother's teletherapy sessions. As long as somebody doesnt end up paying for it? Im saying that from my experience with my family. If i made a suggestion, they would find a way to twist it.


My mother once said to me, "why are you so concerned about your nephew? It's not your kid." I was dumbfounded. I guess for some people, the village can go suck eggs.


My heart is with you.
I certainly hope my brother is open to hearing some suggestions from me. And I don't want to pick apart his parenting. I just want to help them all communicate better and thrive.

He doesn't get that he's driving away his son right now. He doesn't want his son to disappear on him when his son turns 18. He's also a little irritating me because sometimes I want to respond, "dude, you signed up for parenthood." Sometimes it sounds like he's resentful of his son and he needs to deal with that.
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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Old 11-22-2020, 12:15 AM   #26
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

Those are good insights. I see progress (in terms of detachment and options) from your earlier posts.
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Old 11-22-2020, 11:08 AM   #27
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

Slightly off topic, but @openeyes , tried this exercise you mentioned today, when I needed to "reset", and it really did dissipate some stress, so thanks for that. It's really important to have strategies like this, and that's something that can be done much quicker than other strategies I have
@seesaw , I hope your brother is open to your suggestions! It's horrible to feel resented by parents. Your brother and nephew are lucky to have their sister/auntie so determined to help. I hope things get better, and you get some peace, and receive some gratitude
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Old 11-22-2020, 09:47 PM   #28
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

I went over to pick up my dog this morning, but we didn't have enough time alone to broach any of the things I wanted to talk about. But I will see him this weekend, alone, so hopefully I can talk to him then. The boys had a good time with my dog, and my brother said he thinks it helped a bit. So that's good.
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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Old 11-23-2020, 01:37 PM   #29
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Default Re: Trying to help my nephew

@KBMK it does work and it seems weird and simple but it geniunely releases that pent up negative energy. Stress can get us all balled up and frustrated and by doing this exercise we are taking a physical action and it releases and calms down that urge to do something buildup. Our bodies are designed to react so doing this exercise releases that need for action. It helps clear the mind too which is why many who problem solve do so while walking. This is especially good for ADHD because the physical need to move is stronger. And that's why those with ADHD tend to rant and rage more, it's how they relieve that built up stress in themselves.

Often because that urge is stronger in ADHD and they don't know what that means, thats when they slam doors, punch walls, and become active. The fight flight uges are stronger in them than the average individual.
My husband literally HATES it when he is immobilized, he drove the staff at the hospital crazy and they literally had to lock him in his room. When my husband has pent up frustration, he brings it home and slams the door and heads to the kitchen and makes noise with dishes and cleans, that's his way of calming himself down, much like that exercise.

I don't mean to turn this thread back into that focus but I think that part of her brother's problem is not understanding this and it's something he may get triggered by unknowingly. If his son can hear his therapy sessions, he is absorbing and he has no way to fix it so he is building up pent up frustrations. And that means he gets these urges to experience some kind of motion for a release and if he can't have that he gets worse. And with his son going back and forth from one upset parent to another, his frustrations keep building inside of him and he has no place to get active to relieve it.

This has affected her nephew's sense of well being, he is absorbing too much and then he gets punished in ways that only immobilize him even more. That doesn't work for this type of individual. And now the one place he escaped to and probably got comforting was his girlfriend and now that is being taken away from him as well. It's no wonder his grades are dropping. And what's the punishment? Immobalization and that's only going to make it worse for him. If her brother is worried about his son leaving at 18? It's most likely exactly what he will do. And her brother better PRAY his son doesn't gravitate to drinking with friends, that's going to become something that will become an even bigger problem.

It can be hard to stand outside and see the dysfunction, and even as seesaw mentioned having the urge to say "hey, this is what you signed up for when you became a parent". However, a lot of parents genuinely miss important things and they only think they are parenting but in reality they are not parenting the child that struggles with adhd or whatever correctly.

All my childhood and into my teen years I saw my older brother abused and punished and I KNEW he needed HELP and was not a bad child. I literally prayed constantly for someone to see what he needed and step in and help him. What I was praying for was an advocate however, at that time that did not exist for children like my brother who had severe adhd. He was treated like he was stupid, however, I know if he was tested by today's standards they would have discovered he actually had genuis level IQ.

Parenting isn't about getting children to obey and live according to what a parent decides. Parenting is paying attention to your child and parenting them according to how they best function and helping them learn about themselves so they can develop their own healthy identity.

seesaw is paying attention, noticed how her nephew responded to medication, how he got so frustrated he started to cut. That's a red flag that the medication is NOT working, but instead is probably working against him. The answer was definitely NOT to increase the medication, more than likely it's not helping and making it worse.

This pandemic is immobilizing and for children and teens like her nephew, that is going to have a very negative affect. There is NO or very little motion, no going from one classroom to the next, no walking the school halls, no socializing, no sports or other physical outlets. The campuses are being restricted, so there is no walking and interacting on campuses. There is only just so much our youth can handle remotely with no true way of being active. Add to that how they are often exposed to their parents having relationship problems? Parents that are too distracted by their own relationship issues that most social interactions are NEGATIVE?

Well, at least the dog helped a little because of it's motion and ability to be receptive. But that's not enough in this situation, these boys need a release that is being ignored.
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Old 11-24-2020, 12:32 AM   #30
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That went downhill really fast. I just got a call that they are at the ER with my nephew because he threatened SI. I discussed with my brother putting him in a residential treatment facility - that can often be the best way for him to decompress, and the family to decompress. But what I'm hearing is just too volatile of a situation. I want to keep him out of the hospital psych ward, and out of the juvenile justice system. This is a better option than those two, and this is far beyond what Aunt Seesaw's peer support can do. Residential treatment is a bit like summer camp, so that could be a good environment for him. Ug.
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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...

Last edited by FooZe; 11-24-2020 at 04:28 AM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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