This is confusing to me...GROWL

I think that my husband might have very high functioning AS (aspergers spectrum) or maybe not. He gets overwhelmed by ''too much'' verbal input, that is the main symptom. He does have empathy and comes across as ''normal'' unless he is very tired so maybe he does not have this.

I think there is a lot of misinformation around about this? A couple of good friends of mine who have this dx do have empathy and are intelligent and understanding.

And no, I am not ''too needy''.... I am respectful and understanding of other peoples boundaries, quite an ''achievement'' as my parental units, aunts, step maternal unit are malignant Narcissists or sociopaths. I am well able to understand the ''literature'' to back up my opinion. I have a degree in English and science A levels.

My husband, papa bear does not wish to engage the ''services'' in this country. He is high functioning and happy with who he is. If anyone is the ''problem'' it is, naturally, me And all the family have constantly confirmed that... It is none of their freakin business. It's quite an ''achievement'' having a cub and not understanding them at all or caring

He just said '' (edited) ''..

A relative informed me that ''all men are the same'' and are not able to talk at all when performing an activity such as cooking. Or any activity (even something very easy). I suppose I Should Always Defer To The Experts ... (aka Them and not Me... even though I know Papa bear far better than any other relative. I hope I do. Some people are so freakin dense. Or something.

Papa bear enjoys talking to me far more than he enjoys talking to anyone else. In fact he rarely talks to others except on business....

He disagrees with the FOO (family of origin) who informed me that I am ''boring and selfish, and was boring as a baby too...''

I am an empath so I am unsure why the FOO labelled me as ''selfish''

I respectfully request no posts about the current global sitatuation or alluding to that I also respectfully request only supportive replies. I just had these thoughts and wanted to put them out somewhere. What usually happens is thoughts spin around in my head. Putting them on paper can be helpful even if nobody reads it.

I also know that I am not a ''shameful being'' and there is no ''shame'' in being more open than I sometimes am. The FOO would not like it that I do not own that Toxic Shame they tried to force on me. (for ''ruining'' my mother's life... naturally the Parental Units serial affairs, serial lies, verbal abuse, double life... Sociopathic disorder did not harm her at all... only that terrible bear she was unlucky enough to give birth to (with forceps)

(I respectfully ask that there are no replies saying something like ''lets have a competition to see who has the worst parents''

I am trying to heal and I also try to forgive... I do not believe that forgiveness can be forced though..)

I am now having to leave this post before I had finished it. I do not have time to trim away the messy bits grr,

Dear FuzzyBear,

I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful but sadly I am at a loss. Putting things down in writing is something I find to be be very cathartic. Sorry I don't know how to be helpful, but my heart goes out to you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

ASD is notoriously difficult on a dx basis in adulthood, my own was on the back of an overwhelm breakdown where I regressed significantly compared to my baseline functionality. In terms of empathy, I could not say I particularly have this myself... what I have is the experience of living in a neurotypical world, and with that comes the 'rights and wrongs' of human interaction. After many years of my early adult life where I was confused and a bit confrontational when it came to getting things wrong, I now have a healthy relationship with my wife since the dx has been established and I no longer have a barrier of asking (someone close to me) if I should say/observe this or that... or just keep my big gob shut.

I know a couple of family members/friends of the family where it is suspected they have ASD, but it hasn't impacted their lives to such a degree where a formal diagnosis would be sought. With respect to this, ASD is not always a detrimental thing for many, and can in fact be a positive attribute in everyday life and success.

Fuzzy, I'm not saying your partner has ASD, I don't know him and I am not qualified to dx anyone... it's just that now I was dx, I've had the fortune of being acquainted with a community of fellow autists and I guess I'm approaching this from the experience that I have as someone on the spectrum.

With regards to FOO as you put it, I can only sympathize with how negative reinforcement can have such an impact on our continual mental health. I just hope you find the peace to live in the present and try to focus less on the harmful experiences of the past.

Thanks Yaowen, I appreciate your reply

Thanks TJ, a good online friend first suggested that Papa bear might have ASD based on our conversations. I'm just trying to understand him more. I may be biased, but this friend is imo much more skilled at ''analysis'' than any therapist I have consulted (maybe I have been unlucky with them, they were very expensive

Empathy is a tough one in a sense, ''too much'' leads to overwhelm (?) ... ''too little''... and ?

I have little trust in the.... ugh. I'm not even going there

Fuzzy, your FOO sounds extremely toxic.

In terms of Papa Bear being overwhelmed by "too much verbal information" in what way does is cause a problem? Maybe it would help to look for a solution to that instead of a diagnosis for him?

Thanks lizardlady

Papa bear tends to shut down and not listen (but pretends to listen) in social situations. He doesn't find them interesting. I don't blame him, the conversations often have not been interesting. He has specialist interests. He used to be described as ''introverted'' in school reports, not overly ''shy''... just not a talker. More of a thinker, a scientist.

In every day ''superficial'' or work related conversations he is completely ''normal''....

He seems to desire less social interaction than anyone else I have known. I guess that isn't a problem. I'm finding ways of working around this I'm not very social either, I have found some humans, especially all of the FOO, to be ......

We do laugh and have fun together. Maybe I am indeed ''too needy''

Fuzzybear, from what you have shared about your family or origin, any child that had needs would have been a problem for them. They were people that needed everything to be about them and their needs and any child would have been an imposition for them.

Fuzzybear, I appreciate and want to applaud you for being very specific about your needs in this post. I would never compare whose FOO is worse because when it comes down to it: for those of us in these situations - they all sucked. They all are their own version of hell, and it's your own hell, there's no comparison to be made. My hell is different from your hell, but it's our hell all the same. (Hugs)

If I can offer any advice dealing with the husband, because I'm dealing sort of with a similar situation with family, it would be to ask the conversation to be about how the two of you communicate with each other, and your needs from each other, and not comparisons to the outside world or generalities, because those comparisons don't help you two communicate. In practice that would be redirecting the conversation to "Let's focus on us, not on what others say, okay?"

I'm sorry your FOO keeps crushing you down. You are smart, creative, empathetic, and kind. That's probably why they target you too. Because you are so many things they cannot be. (Hugs again)

Your FOO had expectations of you, that were impossible for you to comply with. (Literally) I am not sure why they do this? Why they can't see the damage they caused?

Living with CPTSD is a very challenging life to lead. You always stay a kind and true person. Papa bear is Papa bear. He has his own needs as we all do. It is never easy when our needs are not being met. He seems to offer your needs as much as possible for him. He sounds a good man.

I recently have felt lonely. In need... Strangely, not from others though. Others give me a fair share of their time. My needs are a personal with myself, i think...

I really struggle with self love, respect and compassion. These are skills which can help when others are unavailable or we require some alone time.

I send you hugs, respect and empathy