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Default Nov 22, 2020 at 07:34 PM
  #1
My sister called me this morning like she does every Sunday morning. We tend to have pretty good talks but sometimes we don't. Well anyways, here's my question is to what happened this morning and I'm wondering if I was right or wrong in what I did.

My sister told me that she's going to send me a Christmas gift. So many times, over the years, she has told me that she will send me Christmas and birthday gifts and they never came. She always had excuses as to why she didn't send them to me. I really dislike it when people say that they will do something nice for me and then not deliver. She's done that almost all of the time for a good many years.

This time I just called her out on it. I said that it's not nice and kind of cruel to tell someone that you will do something and not deliver. If I did that to her I would really hear about it and she would get very nasty. I always deliver on my promises I make with people and if I didn't then I would explain. Because I feel that it's hurtful to not come through on a promise or proposal. If she couldn't send me a gift at all, then I wouldn't mind. I prefer her to just not say anything than to say something and not come through.

I told my friend about it and he said that I was wrong for confronting her. I don't think I was because it's a bad habit that my sister has. She does it constantly. What do you think? Was I wrong for calling her out on that?
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Default Nov 22, 2020 at 07:41 PM
  #2
I agree it’s hurtful of her to tease you with a gift coming then not send it, and she’s done it repeatedly.

How did she react?

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Default Nov 22, 2020 at 07:51 PM
  #3
I don't think you're wrong for sharing your feelings. If it keeps happening, that'd be a worry. I actually had a similar experience recently. My sister said she had bought me something for my birthday in September, but it came broken, and she wouldn't tell me what it was. She said a few weeks after that we should go to a shop and she would buy me something. I said that would be nice, but she made excuses about why she couldn't a couple of times, and I didn't bring it up again.
She admits she is a jealous person. Gift giving is very important to her, and I know my gifts have disappointed her in the past. She was also jealous of a gift I got for my birthday.
I'm not going to bring it up, because getting gifts is less important to me. She made me pancakes for breakfast, and that was perfect. She puts too much pressure on herself.
It would maybe be easier for your sister to hear if it's less about what's right and wrong, and more about why you wouldn't like it to happen again ie. "In future...", then it's less like a telling off.
How did she take it?
Why did your friend think it was wrong?
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Default Nov 22, 2020 at 10:55 PM
  #4
Thanks for the replies. To answer the question on how she felt, she was very quiet and agreed with me. I think that she was very stung. I hate to do things like that, but I felt like it should be told. I've noticed lately that she seems to be having memory problems. But her habit of saying she will do something and not follow through has gone on for years.

It's a mystery as to why my friend thought that it wasn't good for me to have confronter her. I would say either it was because of hurting her feelings or that it wouldn't make a difference because she's not going to change.

Bear in mind that, as far as I can remember, only a couple of times I didn't come through for her when I said I would do something. Though I told her I was sorry that I change my mind for whatever reason and she got very nasty with me.
So that's like a double-standard. In fact, that's been very typical of my family, which is why I don't want to have much to do with them.
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Default Nov 24, 2020 at 08:50 AM
  #5
Maybe your friend thought your sister would get nasty with you for calling her out. People tend to do that. Instead of the issue getting better, it only gets worse.

You realize it’s typical of your family and you balance having much to do with them. Good for you for understanding and coping well.

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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 01:51 AM
  #6
I think it's all in the delivery. I don't think it was wrong to talk with her but I think there could have been a better way to address it. For example, I tweaked what you said here:

Quote:
I don't think it's kind to tell someone you will do something and not deliver. I feel it's even hurtful. If you can't send me a gift at all, I'd understand. I'd prefer you not say anything than to say something and not come through.

Below was a bit over the top and very negative. Cruel? Not unless it was purposely done. Nasty? I hope you didn't call her that. You "always" deliver.. sounds a bit shaming..

Quote:
it's cruel to tell someone that you will do something and not deliver. If I did that to her I would really hear about it and she would get very nasty. I always deliver on my promises I make with people and if I didn't then I would explain.
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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 11:43 AM
  #7
Were you wrong? Absolutely not.

If some people will insist in saying things they don't mean nor keep their promises, they need to know the impact of their careless words. Sister or not, hardly matters.

Why keep taking on people's bs over and over again.
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Default Nov 27, 2020 at 12:11 PM
  #8
I agree it was in no way wrong! Anyway what's done is done!
I do think that comparing really isn't helpful, though. And it's worth bearing in mind that some people really aren't capable of expressing themselves very well. It's hard with siblings sometimes to see what's really going on with them, and decide whether to forgive and forget, or make an ultimatum. I had to make an ultimatum with my sister today...

"...will you please either do what you've told me you'll do, or take the lead on the house sale, because it's getting close to the date of the auction...I can't be second guessing your actions, and making assurances to actioneers and solicitors."

So at the end of the day, with no straightforward answer to that question, it's all in her hands now, which is for the best. I got REALLY mad about it, but I don't expect her to change her ways.

I hope your sister does take what you've said to heart, and understands how important it is to be honest with you
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Default Dec 05, 2020 at 12:30 PM
  #9
I know how you feel, my dad and step dad promised to give me something and didnt. Its better to not make a promise then to make a promise and not do it.
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Default Dec 05, 2020 at 05:32 PM
  #10
To me, you were practicing good self care when you were genuine with your sister. I can think of a number of reasons why she promises to send a gift, but never does. Maybe she's disorganized, intends to purchase and send a gift to you, then flakes. Or maybe she wants to buy a gift for you, but doesn't have the money to do so.


Whatever the case, it's not thoughtful of her to repeatedly let you down - and you let her know that. Good for you!

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Default Dec 05, 2020 at 06:40 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by will19 View Post
My sister called me this morning like she does every Sunday morning. We tend to have pretty good talks but sometimes we don't. Well anyways, here's my question is to what happened this morning and I'm wondering if I was right or wrong in what I did.

My sister told me that she's going to send me a Christmas gift. So many times, over the years, she has told me that she will send me Christmas and birthday gifts and they never came. She always had excuses as to why she didn't send them to me. I really dislike it when people say that they will do something nice for me and then not deliver. She's done that almost all of the time for a good many years.

This time I just called her out on it. I said that it's not nice and kind of cruel to tell someone that you will do something and not deliver. If I did that to her I would really hear about it and she would get very nasty. I always deliver on my promises I make with people and if I didn't then I would explain. Because I feel that it's hurtful to not come through on a promise or proposal. If she couldn't send me a gift at all, then I wouldn't mind. I prefer her to just not say anything than to say something and not come through.

I told my friend about it and he said that I was wrong for confronting her. I don't think I was because it's a bad habit that my sister has. She does it constantly. What do you think? Was I wrong for calling her out on that?
No it not wrong to call her out on it.
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Default Dec 07, 2020 at 11:41 PM
  #12
Thanks to those who replied to me and were encouraging me. As it turns out, today I got her gift in my mailbox. So she did pull through this time! I have not opened it yet. She suggested to me to wait until Christmas Day to open it (yea, like I'm going to wait that long!).
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