Dealing with in-laws, strained family life with husband and baby

Hi everyone, this is my very first post. I joined this platform out of pure desperation and to have a support group.

Currently, my issue goes so far back so I will have to sum it up in fewer words. My in-laws before I was married used to treat me horribly like I wasn't good enough for their son and have said pretty nasty things about me. Luckily we all moved on and apologies were made so 10 years later, now their son and I are married but went through financial difficulties that resulted in his parents having to move in with us and help with our bills after they retired. I am having such a hard time because his mother has always been so loving but sometimes she says things that hit way way below the belt and she makes person al attacks on my anxiety when I try to defend myself in my own home. This has turned into resentment for my husband because I feel like he made bad financial choices (which we are working through together now) that caused me to live in this nightmare with his parents. They bought another place but they are too far away now so they feel like they have to stay long periods to get the most out of it and it feels like they only leave for a few days and then stay weeks and weeks with us. My husband and I have tried talking to them about this to no avail and my once positive chipper self has turned into a bitter depressed miserable person and our intimate time together is non-existent and I'm becoming more and more angry every day they are here which always causing me stress and inability to think straight trying to raise my baby and go to grad school. I'm sure there are worse situations to be in but I really don't know how to manage my emotions when his parents stay with us. Any advice would be very helpful. Also, if anyone currently is dealing with depression that has family issues and knows the physical struggle of confrontation and just wanting to hide away from people all day and not being able to, that would also be helpful because my situation is really affecting my depression and I want to confront them and tell them to leave but it's our only family where we live and I'm trying not to push anyone away for my son's sake and husband's.

Hi Magnolia, welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are struggling with this challenge. With his parents visiting so often and staying for days it’s no wonder you are feeling like your space is constantly being invaded.

It’s nice to have family visit but after they leave it can feel exhausting. I don’t think it matters how nice they are. We all need our own space. Our home is meant to be OUR own sanctuary. It’s hard to have that when your family is constantly staying for lengths of time like you are describing.

It’s sounds like it’s time for a sit down with your husband to talk about finding a way to spread out these visits so you have more time to relax with each other and developing your intimacy again.

Are you doing grad school online due to COVID restrictions? I don’t quiet know how things are in Florida.

Hi Magnolia, so how long did you live with your husband's parents for? Have they moved into another house and you rent from them, in their previous house? I'm trying to understand the living situation.

Why do they stay for up to 3 weeks with you and your husband? Does your MIL help you care for your new baby? Is the issue that you feel like you lose your power when they visit, because you're still in your husband's childhood home and not really your own home?

Have you directly asked your in-laws not to stay with you for 3 weeks, or does your husband override your need for space, and invites his parents over for weeks at a time to visit? When you write that you've tried talking to your inlaws "to no avail" what do you mean, exactly? That they simply refuse to listen to you? Can you be more specific?

Grad school is online, correct? Can you create a calendar to post in your home's kitchen of your study time, time to spend with your child, time you are at work, etc., so that your husband knows where you are and what commitments you have?

I think this is an issue about communication and communication breakdown.

You need to find a way to compromise with your husband and inlaws so that everyone feels like their needs (including yours) are met.

What have you communicated to your husband and inlaws to make sure yours, and their needs are met? And why has that attempt failed?

Thank you everyone for your support!
My husband and I lived in NY for our whole lives and relocated to FL a few years ago and bought our own house. Over the years we had extreme financial difficulties so when both his parents retired, they moved in with us while they searched for their own place. They offered to help us pay for bills while we get back on our feet. But, COVID hit which made things even more difficult and my husband started his own business which he needed his dad here to help with (building, etc.)

His parents did find their own place but its 6 hours from us so when they visit they want to stay a while to get the most out of it. They do so much to help us when they are here, which I am not complaining about, but sometimes I feel like it is too much. I feel like I have not set a good routine and structure with trying to handle my life with grad school and the baby. I have mentioned a few times that I get distracted when a lot of people are here and am unproductive which causes anxiety like I cannot think straight. His parents understood completely and say the same thing for themselves. I thought after that conversation they would have understood. I then said once that my depression makes me want a lot of alone time and space is necessary to get my life together and refocus myself. His parents understood that too, but are always here still. I feel terrible because sometimes they can be very nice, but other times they complain and it is just way too much and then they turn back on us like we are terrible to live with and they want to go back to their own place. It is just exhausting.

I have talked about intimacy with them and said before you all moved in, my husband and I had intimate time freely in the house and now we obviously can't do the same things anymore with people around. I was even specific and said we lazed around played video games in the living room and got intimate (I of course said this very tactfully and in not so many terms with the in-laws) but that came to a halt in which my MIL replied that we are young (30s) and still need that time together. So I am perplexed as to why they stay. My husband is all on my side too and has always come to my defense but it is a sensitive situation because they are our only family down here and it is their only grandson they want to see. So I feel like I am in a constant predicament.

Yes, the program at my school is all online anyway, but there are some restrictions now as well. Unfortunately, our state does not do as well with restrictions like they should.

Magnolia, I am going to infuse this next bit of advice with Dr. Philisms.

No matter how flat you make a pancake. It's got two sides.
We teach people how to treat us.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.
Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear, and frustration.
You can put feathers on a dog, but that don't make it a chicken.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
You teach people how to treat you; by what you allow, what you stop, and what you enforce.

The last bolded "Dr Philism" directly applies to your situation. You need to take some responsibility here, Magnolia. You and your husband have taught your inlaws/his parents that they can have free range of your house (not their house -- you financed it yourselves). You allow them to visit for weeks at a time. And, you don't enforce any boundaries with them that you may have verbally set with them.

You are in graduate school, correct? So, you know as a grad student, you have to set aside 2 hours a night to read and study and write papers. That is the minimum amount of time suggested for most grad students. Since you have a baby and a working husband, I bet you can't find even 2 minutes in your schedule to sit down and study?

So, you have to (no excuses) prioritize your needs, your babies needs, and your husbands needs. Create a calendar. Put it in your kitchen. Literally, write down, the blocks of time YOU NEED to yourself: to study, go shopping, get your hair done, dr. appointments. Create a family schedule. My sister does that for herself, her husband, and their children. She uses different color markers for all 5 of them so show the different school/after school sports schedules, parents' work schedules, etc. and so everyone checks the calendar since its in their kitchen every day.

You need to take back control of your house, and your marriage and create a calendar.
Set the limit to how long your husband's parents can visit. They need to compromise -- they can't stay in your house anymore. They need to pay for a hotel. They have the money. They can afford to do it. They have hijacked your family home from you and your husband because you allowed it, as Dr. Phil would say. So, you need to create a way to retake your home back. Even if your MIL and FIL get pissy, too bad! They cannot overrule your home or your lives anymore. And you need to get your husband onboard with this change. Make him see that a family calendar will give you and him a peace of mind. It's a good communication tool for you and he, and for his parents when they come to visit. They now will have a visual schedule that they can't erase or interfere with. Because you and your husband created it. So, they have no choice but to respect it. It's your home. Your rules.

Do what you think is best and weigh your options. It could be good to let them stay if might be good if they go. You have to speak to your partner about his parents. He will get through to them for you.

Can't your husband talk to them and establish some rules/boundaries? There needs to be boundaries set. Like you need some family time (you, husband and child), it is not safe with covid, you are busy etc etc.

They can't just turn up whenever they want. This is not right and just shows a clear lack of boundaries. They need to be set straight..

Its hard boundary time I'd say. Be prepared to set them, share the consequences and enforce them when those boundaries are violated.