My friend

A friend and I stopped talking to each other over the summer. He was annoying the hell out if me and I needed space. We started talking again a month or two ago.

I've been keeping emotional distance by talking about once a week instead of everyday with him.

Today we talked and it was just...I felt bad about myself after. He's smart. And I am too. But he has a really good memory and assumes everyone wants to hear all the random info he knows. I've been struggling with focus lately too. So a few times I'd have to say "I'm not following." Though honestly, I also don't care about being taught random facts in a conversation, unless I ask about it.

At worst, he's a pretentious know it all. At best, he has low EQ but high IQ and just doesn't understand that I don't want to hear this stuff.

Do I need to work on my self esteem? Or does he need to work on his emotional intelligence? Or both?

Well there is likely little you can do about his lacks. Instead it’s better to figure out what about him that leads to your feeling low after you have a conversation with him.

It sounds like you are figuring it out by what you just shared. He probably thinks you enjoy listening to all the things he knows. Usually people prefer hearing what’s important to them and once they find someone who will listen they can go on and on.

Maybe he reminds you of another person that interacted with you that way and you actually get tired when you talk to him and that’s what makes you feel bad about yourself.

He is probably more of a black and white thinker?

Could you have a conversation with him about this? My best friend and I have numerous conversations about our conversations because we have different disorders that tend to directly affect each other. We both go in with caring and consideration but we also want it to be a mutual relationship. Could you have a caring conversation with him and in that conversation say "sometimes you go into subjects that I don't follow or that are tangential and it's confusing to me. I'm not sure how to pull you back to the topic or something I'm also interested in. What would be the best way to do that so I can enjoy the conversation too?"

I think I just felt stupid. Literally. Like I could not keep up with all the "information and knowledge and facts" he was talking about. Being intelligent myself is actually really important to me.

Yeah I know I can't make him change. I'd like to redirect the conversation. And he did ask about me when once again I said "I'm not following" and I asked him something like "how's the rest of your life going?" But by that time I felt...inhibited about talking about myself.

I know it was just one conversation. Sometimes we have really good ones. Other times....

When we were super close, I once told him I didn't care about the info he was sharing with me, but it upset him and he made a passive aggressive remark about ppl who like to learn.

That is a good idea. I'm kind of afraid to confront it head on, at the same time. But I might have to, if my friends are important to me. I might also have to talk about how it made me feel: stupid. Which might be uncomfortable for me to open up. But again, I could tell him I'm having trouble with focus. I like how you phrased it, too, about enjoying the conversation.

If he makes a passive aggressive comment I would suggest calling him out on it. You don't have to be mean, but you can say something like, "I'm not sure if you're trying to put me down, but we are friends, and we both should be enjoying this conversation. If this is a mutual relationship, then if I tell you something isn't something I want to discuss, it would be nice if you and I could find something we both enjoy to talk about."

Sometimes people have bad relationship habits but it doesn't mean you can't work on it. Friendships are a great way to work on communication and assertive skills.

Thinking about it, I'm not going to do anything about this right away. I'm also not going to talk to him unless he calls me, which is doubtful.

I'm not going to address it with him and instead just give this space and time, because 1. I'm not ready. I need to be ready to do that 2. He himself is very unhealthy. He has always had trouble telling people when he's upset with them and meeting conflict head on. Even with his own family. He just stews about it to others (like me). 3. And he gets offended. If I tell him, there's a chance he will later come back and say "I feel like I've had to be very careful what I say to you." Which is what he has done before and it really hurt. I used to sometimes "check things out" with him, like my own misinterpretations. Apparently he could not handle it, which I found out later with his comments, and it hurt. 4. He is passive aggressive. I do think its a good idea to call him out in the moment though. 5. He's not my best friend. We were very close at one point, last year and much earlier this year, but in the end I just felt so irritated by him. I don't remember why - some if it was this stuff though.

I do think its a very good idea to communicate with my friends. But there's a lot here and I don't want to seem to him like I'm attacking him. It IS a good idea to practice this stuff. I just want to feel ready and able. Will give this time and space atm.

No pressure. Please do feel Free to talk to him When You'll feel Ready. In the meanTime perhaps practice some self-Care or try to go out with some of Your other FriEnds. SEnding many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @WovenGalaxy, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Try not to take it personally because most likely he grew up in a family where anything he said was dismissed or taken wrong. He probably carries a sensitivity from that he is unaware of.

Actually, my brother in law passed a comment during Thanksgiving about the attitude of individuals who have their PHD. They tend to have this entitled way about them, deem themselves as a know it all when there is much they DO NOT KNOW. Often all they know is about themselves in their own knowing and they lack in their skills to interact with others allowing these others to have their own identity and give them respect. My brother in law is a professional and this type of individual tends to rub him the wrong way because they can get condescending and detached in an entitled way.

This kind of individual actually tends to have a low EQ. They tend to make awful parents because they are too controlling and don't allow their child to form their OWN identity.

Thank you MickeyCheeky!!

He's not a PhD. He does have ptsd and I think other diagnoses as well. He's been through a lot. I just think he'd take any type of communication or feedback as criticism. Especially if directed about him and I can't deal with the way he communicates back at this time. Thanks for your thoughts!

I understand, he may be too sensitive and that can be a challenge to navigate if you have your own personal things that can trigger you.

Thinking about this, I think your mood after interacting with someone is something to be mindful of, and it seems like you often come away feeling not so good for the reasons you describe (passive aggression, talking at you).

I am wondering if it helps to think about what you do enjoy about your friendship, kind of a pro's and con's thing. Do they balance each other out kind of thing.

I think flooding you with facts is an interesting one, my husband does that sometimes when he's on topics he's interested in. Namely astronomy and astrophysics- lol, topics I just can't get excited about no matter how much I try. My sister's partner does this with her too. We think it's a way of wanting to connect - to share this passion they have. So in a way it is positive. I took to saying something like "That certainly is an important topic but my mind just goes blank when I even try to think about it" trying to keep the balance of acknowledging what he's sharing with me but explaining why I can't get interested. It helps he similarly finds some of my interests uninteresting so I can draw a parallel.

The passive aggression I agree it's good to say something. He may or may not be aware he's doing it but I would say it's not acceptable in friendship.