Family Shutting Me Out

This is not an easy thing to write but I needed to.
A little over a year ago my family found out some things I had been doing that were not good (I do not want to go into it here) to my mom (it was not any kind of abuse I will say that) and they told me I could not visit or see her for a while. I was fine with that, but I did end up spending last Thanksgiving alone and then out of the blue I got a text message from my sister that she was inviting me to Christmas but I couldn't stay with her (Which I wouldn't have either) but I went and although it was painful and awkward it was fine-my mom was there and she was fine.

In the last year I've had some hard times not being able to really see my mom. She did come through town once and we had dinner but not the old relationship we had. She called me today to check on something and through the course of the conversation I found out that my family is going to our vacation home for Christmas and I was not asked or included. She said something like maybe I could find a needy family to help on Christmas day. That just floored me. We talked a little bit more about just general chit chat and I tried to not let it get to me. When we hung up she said "I love you, honey". I wanted to say if you loved me so much why are you shutting me out of the holidays? I have a feeling that this goes back to my sisters and them telling her to not have much to do with me. I agree I made a big mistake and am paying dearly for it, but for a family that was pretty close this is just killing me.

Anyway I just wanted to get some feedback and see what people think, even though I know it's not really gonna matter in the long run. What's done is done . I have my own therapist that I will see the last part of this week and will tell her about this. Oh, and yes they didn't ask me for Thanksgiving this year ( a co worker asked me to her house and at least I was not alone!)

Thanks,
Lisa

Hello and welcome to PC!

If you called your mother and asked her why she is shutting you out and how that makes you feel, how would that conversation go? Would communication make this situation better? I always believe in trying.

Trust your gut. If you feel this is from your sisters being against you, you are probably right. But, I wouldn’t say that to your mother because IME that backfires.

I can tell that whatever you did doesn’t warrant your being shut out.

Hi Lisa, that's got to be hurtful. Did they talk to you about what you had done, or just skip right to pushing you out?
Have you thought about asking why/how long you're being shut out?
I don't understand it. The only times I have shut people out is when they have overstepped repeatedly, or ignored me so we keep having the same argument. I can't really understand what has gone on here. Are your sisters being over-protective of your mother, or is your mother creating the friction?
I don't understand what you could have done (that's not abusive) that would cause this kind of dynamic. It sounds like they aren't treating you with much compassion. Do you have very different personalities?

I don't think its her, it's my sisters I'm sure telling her not to let me back in and to trust me anymore. I just get that vibe!

It was kinda of only my mom who talked to me about the situation and I remember so clearly her telling me I had to talk to a therapist and some other things, which I did, and then we would re evaluate the situation, and of course no it has not been. I think they are being protective of her but I would hope they would understand by now that i'm doing what I need to do to make the situation better. One of them is a very brainy person and quiet and the other is pretty outgoing but very out spoken as well. We always got along well when we were growing up, but the last several years I can go months without speaking to them, but my mom would always keep me up to date. I would go visit my mom at least once a month, now I have not gone to see her in over a year because I was told I can't go back to her house. It's all so confusing to me. I'm hoping my therapist can help me out and give me direction when I see her on thursday.

Although you say you don't wish to go into it here, obviously whatever was done was severe enough for the rest of your family to keep their distance from you and protect your mother by having her keep distance as well.

You're saying trust was involved here and whatever was done sounds like it was pretty bad. You may never be able to visit her at her home again, who knows. Just because you are checking off tasks (therapist and "some other things") it doesn't sound like you're engaged in really getting help - more like you are doing a list of tasks and are expecting once those are done you'll be back in good graces.

The help you're getting is supposed to be for YOU to be a better person, not to ingratiate yourself with your mother. You also have to let go of the expectation that you'll be allowed to go back to her house. She isn't obligated to "re-evaluate" or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes what people do is a dealbreaker and that's that.

I know you say that whatever you did wasn't abuse, but it sure sounds in some way abusive (possibly financial?) for the family to keep you away from the holiday gathering.

I hope your therapist can help you get some clarity around the situation. There seems to have been a communication breakdown, and if you can't understand, and aren't getting answers from your family, that's bound to be confusing. I can't tell much from your posts about your relationships...ie. who reaches out, what your conversations are like etc.
I would agree that it is best to let go of expectations and focus on what you can do to heal, and if you are able to repair the relationships or not. It's a lot to consider.

I don't know what happened between you and you mother (and I am not asking) but if as a result she decided it would be best to avoid contact with you I would see that as your mother and/or sisters setting up boundaries to protect your mother.

She must have been badly hurt and this is her way of protecting herself. She is clearly not avoiding *all* contact with you but it seems she is not yet ready to get closer.

Under the circumstances you write of, I don't see her doing anything 'wrong' as such. I imagine it is painful for you to be excluded at family gatherings etc... But these are the consequences and impact of what happened between the two of you. So, I would give her time.

I don't believe parents ought to automatically forgive any and everything their kids do (or say). Sometimes, ones words/actions really hurt.

Express your feelings to her, it will help you and her.