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overgiver88
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 12:00 PM
  #1
Dear all

I really am running towards a brick wall here, I've posted on this forum years ago but can't remember my username and everyone was very helpful. I am 31, soon to be 32 woman. I have had mostly long-term relationships and I am so lost right now I feel I am broken.
This April I was single at the time, enjoying life, training, being the best me I can be, working and overall a happy person.
Due to the COVID situation I was getting bored and decided to message a guy I saw on a tv show in my country. It is a famous tv show worldwide. The guy replied, little did I know, he actually won 1 month into us chatting. I met him a couple of days after the finale and people were greeting him it was a weird experience. But I honestly, didn't care about that, if I could change anything, him not winning would have be that one thing... I am financially very stable, I honestly don't care about anything else, but him. He could be the biggest loser (and trust me, many MANY people show hatred towards him due to his behaviour in the show and overall vibe that he has, maybe they are not wrong...)
I thought that all will finish with that one night together, but no. He called me a couple of days later, turned out he is living in another city, so we met halfway. As time went I started going to his city, booking apartments and end of summer I rented one. We were seeing each other approximately every 2 weeks. I was the one driving, coming, renting, I knew he would be so busy as the show provided him with the opportunity to follow his dream and open up the restaurant he wanted.
Anyway, he seemed interested, but never overboard, me, being the stupid girl I am fell head over hills for him. Recently he got very busy, stopped responding, he kept telling me he is busy, cannot pay attention to himself and to myself, but I rented an apartment to come see him! I told him I can help him with anything he needed and I actually did help with a couple of things.
Once he stopped responding I started getting annoyed, as I ahve always been the one chasing, since he is the one being busy, the one other people want to take pics with etc. He introduced me to his parents a while back even. I have many times fallen asleep with make up on, waiting for him, he showed up at odd times, one time I told him I am tired (it was 4 AM!!) and he got angry, I sprinted across the city at 4 am in my pajamas to go begging him not to be angry... jesus it sounds pathetic even when I type about it.

It's been 2 weeks since he stopped responding as an overall, I sent him probably dozen messages, angry, nice ones, ghosting is no fun. I asked him - just tell me if you don't want to see me don't ghost me. I just need friggin communication. His chats have always been so difficult, he barely responds to me and that is since the very beginning. He is ok when we talk but not when we chat.
We have not seen each other for 2 months now which is killing me.

I know I need to stop texting him and just let him come to me if he even wants to, but it is so freaking hard. I cannot sleep, eat, I cry all the time. I have never ever given so much for a guy, bought him expensive presents for his birthday and he didn't even invite me to celebrate. I have been a 99% giver and he has been a 1% giver. I know the truth - I don't deserve to be treated like this and I should forget him, give up the rented apartment, come back home and just be me. But why it is so difficult. I am not seeing my friends anymore, I am literally the worst I've ever been in my life and I've been ghosted before, ignored, broken up with, cheated on, whatnot.

Please help me, please tell me you know what I mean and that you texted people when you shouldn't have. I literally feel like the dumbest, most undeserving person in the world. I know I've given too much for someone who doesn't deserve this, he even owns me money... To add to the picture, I consider myself a good looking girl, I am high maintenance, or at least I try to be, I pole dance as a hobby and I could never ever intentionally harm anything living. That is me, being very honest with you guys. Please help me with this, I know I need to not text him, but it is so so so difficult.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 09:30 PM
  #2
Oh yeah, I have been that girl! Sorry if I come across as rude (please take it with a pinch of salt)...we are NOT girls anymore!
This guy has been objectifying you, from what you say, I am sure of this. I would suggest thinking not of what you were giving (you threw that away), but of what you were getting. What has this guy got that you want. Is he carefree? Does he look after himself? It sounds like he impressed you, and maybe you need to impress yourself.
I know it's not this simple, but sometimes a man thinks he has to be strong and have no needs, then he is attracted to a woman that seems vulnerable and needy. Neither of you are aware of your strengths and vulnerabilities and needs
It is good that you're active and financially stable. You don't sound like a "silly girl", but it sounds like you have got stuck trying to win over dismissive men, and that makes you feel like a child.
If you think of all the time and money you threw at him, what could that have earned you if you'd invested that in yourself instead?
I hope you can stop throwing your love away and give some back to yourself
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 03:21 AM
  #3
Thank you, KBMK

He hasn't given me much, barely anything. He is very different what he is in front of people and then with me in a good way, but honestly, all this happened because of me.
What kills me the most is the lack of communication, closure, logical explanation besides "I am busy". No one is that busy to write back 2 sentences.

I wake up and wish to go back to sleep as I am.overwhelmed with this feeling of rejection, of "you are not worth my words". He watches my stories, but still, not a single word and we ended a good conversation last time. 5 days passed I sent him a message asking to call me... seen. Then another 2 saying ok I am on a holiday if you need help with anything or if I can see you... seen. 2 more days. Then I sent a picture with a quote that noone is to busy... seen. The I got angry and sent a dozen of messages, including all the best, sorry things are ending like this... seen. 4 days and I sent him an I miss you, why no word from you, block me as I can't if you dont want me to text... seen. Let me tell you this is usual for him, but not as much. And I have before sent similar messages but at some point he would either call or say sorry I am busy or something. So this is usual dynamic for us, but not that much of ignoring. Feel like I am on fire and drowning at the same time as I am going through those emotions as if I am in a withdrawal or something. Trust me when I say that there is almost mo one else to put up with that behaviour for that long. I am emotional, yes, but I am and always have been a giver and that is just something I am struggling so much to change.
I deleted my fb and messanger apps now, so that I am not tempted to check up on him.
How will I ever feel like myself again...
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 02:08 PM
  #4
When did you last feel like yourself? If it's only when your single, take a really long break from dating, so you can process these relationship breakdowns. Relationships don't have to breakdown in the way you've described. Have you considered talking to a therapist?
Relational insecurity can be a lifelong problem if old patterns aren't resolved.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 02:31 PM
  #5
I disagree it all happened because of you - as you said, you wanted more communication and he apparently doesn’t want to communicate. He’s basically making himself unavailable to you, which possibly makes you want him more.
I hope this doesn’t sound mean, it’s not meant to, but maybe you should explore the reason you want someone so badly who doesn’t feel the same way?
I’ve been in similar situations, myself, so I do get it. You deserve better, but I can’t make you believe it by myself.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 02:52 PM
  #6
“I was getting bored and decided to message a guy I saw on a tv show in my country. It is a famous tv show worldwide. The guy replied, little did I know, he actually won 1 month into us chatting. I met him”
^Yes, I did something similar. . He wasn’t exactly a complete stranger, and nothing came of it romantically. He’s still my fb friend. But this is a really bold thing most people wouldn’t do.

“MANY people show hatred towards him due to his behaviour in the show and overall vibe that he has, maybe they are not wrong...)”
^They all can’t be wrong, take heed.

“ , he kept telling me he is busy, cannot pay attention to himself and to myself, but I rented an apartment to come see him! I told him I can help him with anything he needed ”
^Here is where you started to hurt yourself. You may have done this because you were star struck that he is famous. Yes, I had crushes on guys long ago, who were lukewarm about me and I also offered to help them. I secretly hoped they would see I was so good to them, they would love me...but they didn’t. The same happened to you.

“ bought him expensive presents for his birthday and he didn't even invite me to celebrate.”
^This would have been the final straw for most anyone else to give up on the guy and see how he doesn’t care for you. Did you still pursue him and why?

He’s intentionally being cruel by not answering your texts, at least to tell you he’s not interested and good bye. Do you think he’s ignoring you because you’ve been scary aggressive? (I’m not suggesting you are, just looking at it from both sides)

“I am.overwhelmed with this feeling of rejection, of "you are not worth my words".
^I’ve experienced this too. It’s severely painful.

I wouldn’t say I ever ‘chased’, but I did pursue and was more into the guy than he was into me and it always ended with nothing good happening. After getting hurt like that, I learned not to do it again. You’ll just have to work on building your self esteem and watch for red flags that the next guy shows, then you’ll know that relationship is not going to give you what you want, rather will hurt you.

I hope you feel better about moving on from him soon. He’s really not worth your tears.

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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 05:35 AM
  #7
Thanks guys, you are being very helpful. I have thought about all of the things that you are mentioning.
At some point I even thought to myself whether I am being unrealistic, but he was also reaching out previously, before he started working on his second restaurant when we stopped seeing each other.
As soon as I reached out to him in relation to a girl I saw him in a picture with he called me 2 seconds after explaining this was just a fan and explaining the whole situation, being nice, asking me how I was and we talked for 15 mins. That was 2 weeks ago.
Then he stopped replying. He did that previously but this time it feels on purpose rather than just being busy.
If it was something I expected I would have had a closure in a way, he previously has been silent but always came back after a couple of texts from my end. And honestly, it never felt like he took anything very emotionally as he always came back with "no, sunshine, I was just driving/busy, how are you", so having him being angry/annoyed at me for being emotional was not something that happened previously.
Additionally I have always been very careful not to overload him, but also speak up my mind and what I want out of our relationship. It is just that OUR chat was always the worst way to communicate, but when he is not picking up the phone or not calling I am left with no other choice. I always wrote and drafted my messages so that they are short, clear but get to the point. He never reads everything, I am sure of it. And it is not just his attitude towards me, this is his overall attitude - he doesn't give a damn about almost anything, which is exactly the opposite of me, giving a damn about every single thing that comes my way. I did say "block me in case you don't want me to text you" - is he not caring enough to block me or just doesn't want to block me? I can't say...

The whole situation is just too unfinished for me, no closure, no anything, we didn't have a fight, on the contrary, he even said I've give you back the money when we see each other... And that was it. Which is why I am driving myself crazy and am trying to not think about it but in the same time cannot stop thinking about it. I am crying every day, I am going from the "I am not worth it" to "he is not worth it" to "what have I done wrong" to "he is just a player" to "it doesn't feel like this should have been the end" to "this should have never happened"...
And yes, I am thinking of seeing a therapist, because I can no longer deal with this myself. I am going deeper and deeper into this chain on thoughts and self-pity.
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 07:16 AM
  #8
I have felt before like I keep casting my fishing line into water, the fish takes a nibble but doesn’t bite and keeps swimming away, back and forth nibble then not bite. Eventually I realized it’s a fish I can’t reel in and gave up trying. Literally, there are other fish in the sea.

Seeing a therapist is always a good idea and may help you sort out your feelings.

Ugh, I had a relationship like this one end with a haunting lack of closure. I was stood up for a date after a few years on/off and he never called me again. In my day of dating, we only had phones (and doctors or drug dealers had beepers— this guy had a beeper and was not a doctor ). I was proud of myself for never calling him again either, because I understood that his dumping me like that meant he didn’t care for or want me. So I moved on.

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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 07:24 AM
  #9
I will share my experience....met a guy and he was majorly interested and we clicked. We talked on the phone, messaged; he called me princess and beautiful and couldn't wait for me to meet his family; bought me flowers on the first date; had him over to my house off and on; went out to dinner.....then I heard nothing from him; I waited a few weeks, texted him and asked....are you interested in continuing our friendship? His response was I have many friends. I, I, I.....it was all about him, and he didnt answer my question. I really thought he was the "one"---we had so much in common. I couldn't believe he "ghosted" me. I say all of that to say that unfortunately there are many people who are disrespectful and cruel. I waited 19 years.....to find a guy I really liked......No, it shouldn't have happened. Writing a letter of "restorative justice" can be helpful....restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. ...the letter is for YOU.......you can send it or keep it. I am so sorry that happened.....it was not anything you did wrong. Try to put the blame where it belongs....on that disrespectful guy.......NOT on yourself. HE chose to stop communicating....HE ows you an explanation; HE is a coward.
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 07:51 AM
  #10
Well we have no ways of really knowing why people do what they do. You may never get an answer. But we do have control over what we do and try to understand why we do what we do. I recommend to find a therapist if that’s possible in your area and explore your own behaviors and look at the root of it. What kind of relationship you have with your parents?

As about what to do with this guy. He hasn’t seen you for two months. At this point harassing him with calls and texts isn’t going to make him interested. Why do you want him to block you? He isn’t the one suffering. You are suffering. So block him. Sure you might not get your money back but you likely won’t get it back anyways. He is a user. A decent person wouldn’t take money from a girl he barely knows. You can put a stop to it by blocking him and finding someone who is interested or enjoying your life single
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 09:12 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by overgiver88 View Post
Thanks guys, you are being very helpful. I have thought about all of the things that you are mentioning.
At some point I even thought to myself whether I am being unrealistic, but he was also reaching out previously, before he started working on his second restaurant when we stopped seeing each other.
As soon as I reached out to him in relation to a girl I saw him in a picture with he called me 2 seconds after explaining this was just a fan and explaining the whole situation, being nice, asking me how I was and we talked for 15 mins. That was 2 weeks ago.
Then he stopped replying. He did that previously but this time it feels on purpose rather than just being busy.
If it was something I expected I would have had a closure in a way, he previously has been silent but always came back after a couple of texts from my end. And honestly, it never felt like he took anything very emotionally as he always came back with "no, sunshine, I was just driving/busy, how are you", so having him being angry/annoyed at me for being emotional was not something that happened previously.
Additionally I have always been very careful not to overload him, but also speak up my mind and what I want out of our relationship. It is just that OUR chat was always the worst way to communicate, but when he is not picking up the phone or not calling I am left with no other choice. I always wrote and drafted my messages so that they are short, clear but get to the point. He never reads everything, I am sure of it. And it is not just his attitude towards me, this is his overall attitude - he doesn't give a damn about almost anything, which is exactly the opposite of me, giving a damn about every single thing that comes my way. I did say "block me in case you don't want me to text you" - is he not caring enough to block me or just doesn't want to block me? I can't say...

The whole situation is just too unfinished for me, no closure, no anything, we didn't have a fight, on the contrary, he even said I've give you back the money when we see each other... And that was it. Which is why I am driving myself crazy and am trying to not think about it but in the same time cannot stop thinking about it. I am crying every day, I am going from the "I am not worth it" to "he is not worth it" to "what have I done wrong" to "he is just a player" to "it doesn't feel like this should have been the end" to "this should have never happened"...
And yes, I am thinking of seeing a therapist, because I can no longer deal with this myself. I am going deeper and deeper into this chain on thoughts and self-pity.
I think it's true that you are being unrealistic, and therapy would probably help with that.
This guy has obviously hurt you, but you didn't know him well, and put a lot of faith in him treating you well...well he didn't
He still isn't. He gets your messages, and doesn't care to reply.
It's a problem that this is causing you so much pain and upset. You say you care a lot, but it's as though you care more for the opinion of this guy you barely know, than you care for yourself.
It's OK to want things from a relationship. It's totally normal to want replies to your messages, and to see a person regularly.
You haven't done anything wrong here, but expecting him to block you, or give you closure... that's not his problem.
I know it's hard, but you have to get closure for yourself.
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 09:20 AM
  #12
Giving away a power of you is a first step towards a complete distaster. You should stay independent, no matter what. Most of people out there are worthless, they have no real value, unfortunately.
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 10:42 AM
  #13
Thanks guys. This is not the first guy that is ghosting me, but somehow I always kind of sensed when or why this might have happened. At least there was something that seemed off, something I wanted they didn't or the other way around, and somehow, I have received some type of closure - It was just for fun, I prefer you as a friend, I am not ready or at least that happened in the beginning (first month or two). Never 9 months into a relationship, not only that he also introduced me to his parents by himself, I didn't even expect that happening.

I am a very logical person, easy-going and polite, always have been. I have never met a guy who would just disappear without any kind of explanation that I can at least find by myself.
I had one guy ghosting me as we were just not ok intimately, actually 2 like this and I knew why it happened when it happened. One came back 6 months later apologizing, so did the other one a couple of months after. But I knew why this happened.
I had a guy who ghosted me as he was not ready for a relationship and he mentioned that a couple of times casually so that was something I was worried with as well, he was 1 month out of 10 year relationship when he met me, but he came back later explaining why he did what he did.
One ghosted me as we never clicked, we never had that going and I even expected this will happen.
The rest were my serious relationships which usually ended in at least a conversation.

All of those hurt, but those were usually fairly early in a relationship and I already knew something was off from very beginning, I did not give my all to those people as much as maybe I knew those are not ok. I knew it deep down. You know what I am talking about? That little voice telling you this is not going ahead, this is not happening, this is not your guy, this is not the one.
I clicked with this guy from the very first date so much, that I have not had that kind of energy and potential from years of dating but I never feel as comfortable as I did with anyone from the moment I met him. Ever.
I probably am getting stupider in time. I have no other explanation. A simple "sorry, we cannot meet each other anymore" is much better than this.
I kind of wish already that this nonsense will stop. How many years of heartbreak can one take... This one took my all. It is getting harder every time.

"I know it's hard, but you have to get closure for yourself." - KBMK this is the hardest part. I know I have to, I just can't find the strength for this yet
"Most of people out there are worthless, they have no real value, unfortunately." - MisterPaul, I do tend to agree with you. I am so tired of this. Feels like I should rather get 8 more cats and just devote myself to a life of solitude and not even think about getting involved with anyone anymore. It is a whole story, but my life as an overall has been extremely difficult and it took me years of fights, extreme hours at work, a lot of strength and what not to get to the place where I am. The stress levels I have to bear every day are off the charts, but this is my job and unfortunately, the situation with my family. I wish there was one thing that can come in my life and not take all the strength and fight I have to get it right. Nothing ever came easy for me. I can only be grateful I am healthy so is my dad. That's all... rest is a fight morning till evening. I am depleted of whatever there is left of me.
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 12:25 PM
  #14
It could be good for you to have a pet. It sounds like you are missing intimacy in your life, so maybe you're trying to hard to find this with men. Loss is painful, but it sounds like you are repeating the same struggles in relationships.
I don't like to say this, but it does sound that you are making yourself seem very needy, and there will always be people who will take advantage of this, possibly even thinking that they have done you a favour, but it got a bit too much.
I know you say "9 months into a relationship", but if you were having short meetings every couple of weeks, I can't believe he was very interested in anything long term. What was the situation where you met the parents?
I know you say that you haven't had an explanation...but it sounds very much like this guy doesn't want to TALK to you.
What if he wanted to see you in a month's time?
I wouldn't want that kind of "relationship", personally.
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 01:31 PM
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I do have 4 cats... I've always loved cats, my mom passed away 15 years ago and when I lost her cats always remind me of her as she also loved them.
My sister is abusive physically and emotionally to me as she is also schizoid and my dad is 73 years old. I am the sole provider for both of them as well as myself as she doesn't work and probably never will.
In my life I never really had anyone to stand by me ever since I graduated high school and had to start work along while being full-time in University, even when I was in long-term relationships, usually there was a moment when that person just can't deal with the day to day stress I have to go through. No one likes a woman with difficult life, difficult job and difficult family. Also, I am very much independent in various aspects and that also pushed men away as not every man is ok for a woman to make twice the money he does or change tires of her car or whatever, life taught me some very hard lessons and I guess I still have more to learn.

With him it was not like this... He didn't feel intimidated and I liked that...
I guess he never really cared what I was or was not. I got caught up believing maybe I need someone who is as ambitious and self-driven as I am in a way... So it's not sensitive men as they are intimidated, it's not self-driven men as they are egocentric and just don't care, I kind of start feeling I am just not a person that people want in their lives as a partner.

Meeting the family was great, they were in another city so we travelled for the evening with his brother and his brother's gf and returned the next day. We spoke until late, they were very nice and I think we liked each other. Anyway, none of this matters now I guess...
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 02:40 PM
  #16
I think you are just going for wrong men. Certainly there is no reason why you can’t be with a partner despite hard life.

Sure many men don’t like self sufficient women and prefer dependent ones but not all. My husband had dependent wife before me so he’d never go for a woman like that again so my independence and self sufficiency was right thing for him. You can find right men.
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 05:23 AM
  #17
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I think you are just going for wrong men. Certainly there is no reason why you can’t be with a partner despite hard life.

Sure many men don’t like self sufficient women and prefer dependent ones but not all. My husband had dependent wife before me so he’d never go for a woman like that again so my independence and self sufficiency was right thing for him. You can find right men.
Maybe you are right, but it certainly takes a part of you everytime. At this stage I really feel broken more than I used to be. I have never wanted to stop talking to people, not pick up the phone to friends and not see anyone anymore.
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 05:51 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by overgiver88 View Post
Maybe you are right, but it certainly takes a part of you everytime. At this stage I really feel broken more than I used to be. I have never wanted to stop talking to people, not pick up the phone to friends and not see anyone anymore.
I am sorry you are hurting but this person totally isn’t worth for you to be that upset. He isn’t worth your time or some much energy.

I can ensure you that if a man is interested in you he’d be calling and texting and arranging dates and seeing you way more than every few weeks. So that’s your sign that a man is not interested and no amount of pleading and begging and chasing will change that. Why is he never telling you that he wants you to live him alone? He just doesn’t care enough and it’s not on his radar. He just isn’t interested. You can’t make him to be interested

Forget about getting money back. Don’t waste money on seeing him or helping him out. He is a grown man and can do it all himself. Block him. Then you can start healing. You can’t heal while trying to get his attention

You deserve better
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 08:04 AM
  #19
I agree with divine! It's sad that this has taken a part of you, and I won't keep pushing this point, but you chased this guy...you wasted your time/energy/money, with no reason to think you would get anything back from him.
I know you think that "giving" like this is a kindness, but it's really a very cruel thing you are doing to yourself.
You do deserve better, and you have to be the first see that, and treat yourself better
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 08:16 AM
  #20
I agree with KMBK. Nothing wrong with giving but I think if we feel a desire to give our time and effort or have extra material things to give, it makes sense to give to people whom we already know and have in our lives like family or friends or people in need in our own community or you could give it to people who need help like homeless shelters or go volunteer at the hospital or give it to orphans or animal shelters or donate to a children cancer charity. Giving is great. Give to those who need it and can’t provide for themselves: by giving I don’t mean just money but your time and energy as well. That’s kindness.

Giving it all to some random able bodied guy who doesn’t reciprocate and doesn’t even bother responding is not the same thing.
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