Changing my responses

unaluna · Apr 07, 2024 at 08:23 PM

In my experience, they will only get rid of a really good performer if you become "more trouble than you're worth." And yes that was very hard to hear! I blame my pdoc not warning me of prozac side-effects.

So what if you are not management material. That is usually mutually exclusive with techie. Most companies have two different tracks nowadays, so you dont HAVE to go into management to advance.

RDMercer · Apr 07, 2024 at 09:20 PM

I think it was hard to hear because it hit so close to home.

It was part of the, "There's something innately wrong with you" thing I've been experiencing.

Tart Cherry Jam · Apr 08, 2024 at 12:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

I was highly, highly regarded locally for my work, with an excellent reputation.

I've really grenaded my career, I think.

We cut positions. I had the highest client load and the biggest geography. I asked for support multiple times, but nothing changed. But my failures were reviewed regularly.

Then my abruptness with clients and other staff were used as a rationale to tell me I'm unpromotable. Which I then argued... And thereby proved I was unpromotable....Which I then apologized for and indicated things in my personal life that contributed to me being overwhelmed... Which further proved I was unpromotable.

Sigh.

Oh well. Still got a job.

But that's probably it. I'll not move from where I am.

I am very sorry to hear this. I have not read the entire thread, but based on this alone, it might be time to carefully and patiently look for another job where you will have many opportunities for an upward trajectory. You clearly can do your job well, so in the long term, why sell yourself short?

Open Eyes · 02:19 PM

It sounds like you are very vulnerable right now when getting critical feedback. Yes, given that you were manipulated to feel shame for your wife’s unhappiness and voids it can lead you to experience shame with any criticism not ment to be personal but constructive.

The job market has been changing a lot due to higher operating expenses and strains on profits. It’s caused cutbacks and fewer employees expected to do more than normal. It’s important to keep this in mind so you don’t absorb challenges that are not your fault.

RDMercer · Apr 12, 2024 at 12:23 PM

Hey everybody,

Have a good weekend.

As much as stuff gets to me, I can't explain how awesome my place is these days. We live about 30 miles outside a smallish city where things become semi rural.

At night, things are silent, or I can hear the kids laughing and playing video games together and that's all.

I have a garage that isn't very big, but I can work on my own projects out there, and there is a ton of weights in one corner so we can exercise at home.

It's just so easy.

eskielover · Apr 12, 2024 at 12:43 PM

I found that as long as I have a peaceful life I am immediately surrounded by as my daily retreat, it is much easier to handle the crap the world & others throw at me & the more firm I get in my own stand on life. Would have been nice to have been in a place like that when my daughter was growing up but we have worked through that too.

The peace gives time for the mind to process the crap & I find quietness gives my mind a better chance to process solutions. That outside "noise" filles up the mind & makes it harder to concentrate on solutions.

Lol....with all the stress I experienced all my life it is a wonder how I graduated school or college with a high GPA....I think back now & wonder how much better I possibly could have done IF I lived in different environments where I would not have had to fight for everything in my life.....but it is ok cause now I have a very "don't mess with me" attitude when necessary.....but I love my peaceful life now.....what a contrast.

Glad you have the home retreat you have with your kids & can relax between stresses

unaluna · Apr 12, 2024 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

I think it was hard to hear because it hit so close to home.

It was part of the, "There's something innately wrong with you" thing I've been experiencing.

You know, i was referring to what was said to me.

RDMercer · Apr 12, 2024 at 03:09 PM

Yup.

You were talking about your experiences and from that I was explaining why the feedback stung me so much.

RDMercer · Apr 19, 2024 at 08:26 AM

WOW.

WOW WOW

The responses in me....

My wife called twice yesterday. I didn't pick up. Then she texted me asking me to quit coming by her work. I haven't been by her work. I avoid going anywhere near her work.

She also said she doesn't even work there anymore.

I replied, a little snarky, letting her know I haven't been around her place of work and I'm not looking for her.

The thing that is WOWing me though is that I've been really overwhelmed since.

Feeling hopeless. Planning for when I lose the house. Spiralling. Wondering how I am going to live.

I didn't feel like that last week, or earlier this week.

I also expect that she lost that job on purpose, or got put out on long term sick leave, preparing for all the money she is going to take from me in court because she has no means to live.

I'm surprised at my flood of emotions.

RDMercer

unaluna · Apr 19, 2024 at 08:49 AM

Ya know, this is the b-side of the record titled, she wants to come back to me. What would be a different tune? Like, once the kids are out of the house, you buy a motorcycle and go on the road forever.

or join the hare krishna. You really have so many choices!

RDMercer · Apr 19, 2024 at 08:55 AM

I agree @unaluna.

I'm just surprised at how strong my reactions are when I interact with her.

I was hopeless for a long time. That really comes flooding back.

eskielover · Apr 19, 2024 at 09:20 AM

HmmmmShe is telling you to quit driving by her work place shen she doesn't even work there? This does not compute!!!!

Lol....after I left my husand every once in awhile the owner of the ranch where I was still boarding my horses would post photos on FB & sometimes my H was at the ranch feeding horses (a job he could handle) when she took the photo. My gut reaction.....I wanted to puke along with wondering what other financial damage he was doing.

It is so stressful having any kind of interface with them. Trust your lawyer

RDMercer · Apr 19, 2024 at 09:32 AM

Thanks Eskie.

Yes. Just breathe and let my lawyer do her job.

unaluna · Apr 19, 2024 at 11:06 AM

RD, geez over 40 years later i still dream about my exes, and i was with each of them less than 3 years. So it is frankly going to take a while to clear those memory trails. Muscle memory. Habits.

Open Eyes · Apr 19, 2024 at 11:48 AM

Changing your responses means learning how to listen differently. Eskie is right in questioning how can she state you are driving by her work when she is no longer working there?

She doesn’t want to be responsible and work. Her plan was to party with her friends and have you pay her expenses. She is an entitled user manipulator. Part of her game is to play the victim. This is magnified by her abuse of alcohol.

Save anything she says and give it to your lawyer. Lawyers and judges see this crap all the time. Remember your lawyer already told you your wife is not going to get what she is going after.

Open Eyes · Apr 19, 2024 at 12:03 PM

Actually one thing I learned from dealing with my older sister and learning about her disordered mentality and reading about covert narcissists is that they tend to accuse you of what they are doing themselves. So if you learn how to listen and think about it, it’s your wife that is doing the stalking and driving by your house.

RDMercer · Apr 19, 2024 at 12:13 PM

She said, "one of the people at my work told me you stopped in and were asking about me. Please don't do that. In fact, as of two weeks ago, I don't even work there anymore."

That stumped me, because absolutely nothing of the kind occurred.

It caused me to speculate, "Is this is her way of letting me know she isn't working and no longer has health coverage for herself, or shared insurance for the kids, and she's looking for an even bigger settlement? Or is she letting me know she has a new job?"

When I asked her, in reply, what this means for health insurance, she didn't reply.

Open Eyes · 01:48 PM

If you get accused of something you know never happened it means your wife is fishing and baiting for you to react. It’s actually not uncommon for the manipulator to bait with using an additional person as a witness even when this person doesn’t exist.

Narcissists like to create drama and will at times make contact baiting for a response and drama. They get bored and like to create drama.

They are void and are always looking for a high. I have seen a lot of this in individuals that have addiction issues. Their game is “I use”. In other words “ I use drugs, bars, and insert self in drama or create drama for a HIGH and to feel relevant.”

She is also trying to guilt trip you so you give in.

This is why the less contact you have with her the better.

ArmorPlate108 · Apr 19, 2024 at 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

It caused me to speculate, "Is this is her way of letting me know she isn't working and no longer has health coverage for herself, or shared insurance for the kids, and she's looking for an even bigger settlement? Or is she letting me know she has a new job?"

That would be my first thought too. Coverts have a special roundabout way of getting their messages across.

The other thought that comes to mind is if she's attempting a written smear campaign - trying to plant the false seeds that you're doing something inappropriate. Or maybe even hoping that you'll respond in a way she could use against you. They bait and fish a lot, as you probably well know

Totally agree with unaluna about habit and muscle memory too. It could represent a form of cptsd. In anxiety disorder, it's very common for someone to feel well healed, be subjected to an event or space where they were during the bad anxiety episodes, and have the horrible anxiety re triggered. It can even be completely subconscious to where the person doesn't know what the trigger was. I try to think of these types of triggers as passing shadows. They're there, they were possibly based on something at one time, but now they're really not much of anything. If you accept them for the passing shadows they are, they'll usually go on their way soon enough.

eskielover · Apr 19, 2024 at 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

RD, geez over 40 years later i still dream about my exes, and i was with each of them less than 3 years. So it is frankly going to take a while to clear those memory trails. Muscle memory. Habits.

Lol....I had dreams of my ex too & those dreams were reoccuring fight to get away from him....I was away, 2100 miles away but those stupid things he did are still haunting me.....just no more dreams, finally 17 years later

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RDMercer Veteran Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 749 10 55 hugs given	Apr 07, 2024 at 09:20 PM #82 I think it was hard to hear because it hit so close to home. It was part of the, "There's something innately wrong with you" thing I've been experiencing.
	Reply With Quote

RDMercer Veteran Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 749 10 55 hugs given	Apr 12, 2024 at 03:09 PM #88 Yup. You were talking about your experiences and from that I was explaining why the feedback stung me so much.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,907 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.5k hugs given	Apr 19, 2024 at 08:49 AM #90 Ya know, this is the b-side of the record titled, she wants to come back to me. What would be a different tune? Like, once the kids are out of the house, you buy a motorcycle and go on the road forever. or join the hare krishna. You really have so many choices!
	Reply With Quote

RDMercer Veteran Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 749 10 55 hugs given	Apr 19, 2024 at 08:55 AM #91 I agree @unaluna. I'm just surprised at how strong my reactions are when I interact with her. I was hopeless for a long time. That really comes flooding back.
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RDMercer Veteran Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 749 10 55 hugs given	Apr 19, 2024 at 09:32 AM #93 Thanks Eskie. Yes. Just breathe and let my lawyer do her job.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,907 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.5k hugs given	Apr 19, 2024 at 11:06 AM #94 RD, geez over 40 years later i still dream about my exes, and i was with each of them less than 3 years. So it is frankly going to take a while to clear those memory trails. Muscle memory. Habits.
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,123 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.4k hugs given	Apr 19, 2024 at 12:03 PM #96 Actually one thing I learned from dealing with my older sister and learning about her disordered mentality and reading about covert narcissists is that they tend to accuse you of what they are doing themselves. So if you learn how to listen and think about it, it’s your wife that is doing the stalking and driving by your house.
	Reply With Quote