Acceptance - How to Cut the Cord When You're Addicted

Backtracked yesterday and called him in the hospital. Called him at the hospital payphone after I was fighting everything in me not to. When I spoke to him, and heard him try and justify all the using, saying that he just goes and "hangs out" once a month and it's not a big deal. He sounded very disorganized and non-apologetic.

Now more than ever, I know I am making the right decision, and I needed the reinforcement of knowing that we are headed in two different directions. I no longer felt that rush in calling him, the whole thing was kind of sad actually. I do love him still, but this holding on to a dream of the honeymoon of the past is just an exercise in futility. Talked to my friend about it and he said not to beat myself up about the phone call, just be aware of the lesson to be learned.

Cutting the cord is getting easier, because he is making it easier.

Your friend's advice was the same as mine would be. You still care about him. Nothing wrong with that. Still, contact with him reinforces your realization that he is going in the direction he's going in. It is very sad. It's okay to feel some compassion for him. That doesn't mean you have to join him on his trip to hell. Who knows whether he even has the capacity to live differently? As you heard, his whole mindset is to keep going in a wrong direction. So he's not changing anytime soon. He probably misses you, but he's not going to change to get you back. His priority is to first cling to his substance abuse and all that goes with that. It's good that you are choosing a different direction. For you, there is hope.

Separating from him will not always feel as hard as it does now. You have a process to go through. You'll get there.

Thanks @Rose76 - there is so much wisdom in your words. I am at work right now, thinking of calling him again, but then every time I look at my phone, I stop myself because I know what will be on the other end of it. There is no point in going back and forth. You're right, I will never stop caring for him, but our lives are in totally different directions now.

Thanks for always being kind and not judging me, it's easy to say, "oh you need to just move on" without knowing how it actually feels to break free from such an intense relationship. What we had was so extreme it's really hard to get over, but like you said, I don't have to join him in his descent into the darkness that he's going.

To withdraw from someone you care about is awfully hard. You may feel compelled to check on him, but it would be good to set some limitations. I would suggest that work might be a place and time to detach. Let your priority at work be . . . work. Sometimes it's good to compartmentalize. Personally, I never liked phone conversations with anyone, while I was at my job. Any contact you have with him has the potential to be upsetting. Don't set yourself up for such upset, while your focus is needed to be on your job.

If he is still hospitalized, that is curbing his tendency to get in trouble. Perhaps he's still recovering. He may seem to be in a better frame of mind. That won't last.

You also don't want to be guilty of using him to obtain some transient emotional solace for yourself. That would be unfair to him, if you have decided to move on.

If your resolve weakens, ask yourself this: Is there a way to get away from his bad behavior without getting away from him? In my case, I told my guy that I absolutely would not be around him when he drank. I stuck to that. I told him I would not be on the phone with him, if he called while drinking. He tested that. I stuck to my decision. He was a spree drinker, so he had sober intervals. We spent time together when he was sober. Like I related above, he got into recovery, and our relationship survived. He didn't recover for my sake. He did it for himself because his health was deteriorating. He also had a track record of having lived successfully for years before he got into heavy alcohol abuse. You have to look at your husband's track record. Has he ever demonstrated the capacity to handle responsibility? That might give you a reality check on what his potential is.

I don't doubt he has some virtues. You wouldn't have fallen so hard for him, if he didn't have his good side. But you have to look at the totality of what being with him involves. Picture your life, as you want to live it. Then consider whether you can live that life, while accommodating his substance abuse and all that goes with that. The younger you are, the more essential it is that you choose wisely. I say that because, when you are young, life offers so many options. When you choose a poor option, you could be turning away from some way better possibilities. Sometimes you have to rule out what you don't want, in order to eventually discover what you do want.

You're so right, @Rose76 - so sorry it's taken me so long to come back here and post, I wanted to gather my feelings and emotions together first. There is no way of getting away from his bad behaviors without getting away from him - the two are so intertwined. He has no sense of responsibility, and he basically lives in a delusional world most of the time. He is forever stuck in the past, and I think that when we were both recklessly in love the appeal of it was what drew me in - who wouldn't want to live as if they were 17 and in love again and wanted it to last forever?

But the fantasy of it wore off, and the reality of what I actually married set in. You have such wise words @Rose76 you have no idea how you have helped me. Ruling out what I don't want for my future, and looking at my life now is what has been my saving Grace, and even though I backtracked a few times and you're right giving him that false sense of hope because I am looking for some emotional solace is unfair, so I stopped doing it. He even told me to stop sending him "mixed messages" during our last conversation, (which was beyond painful), so I will respect it. Calling him for a sense of closure, or calling him just to hear his voice, to get that "hit" that I crave, is just what an addict does, which I know I am. Being sober doesn't mean I have stopped all my addictions cold turkey; I am currently working on the one with food.

Ultimately, he does have a really good side, which is hard to get over. He was the most passionate and affectionate man I had ever met, who fawned over me like I was a princess in the fantasy world that we had created. But the harsh reality set in when Prince Charming becomes "The Beast" and all he can think about is his next "hit" which is very different from my own version of that. The good news is what you reminded me of: that I am young enough that there ARE still possibilities out there for me, and even though I know I am nowhere near ready yet, my heart is hopeful that it will heal.

Thank you so much to all you ladies who have walked through the fire with me on this, @eskielover @TheGal @divine1966 @TishaBuv @HaveHope @unaluna @Nammu

I know some of you weren't on this thread with me, but I do know how much you've helped me along this journey since I've been back on this site. I deeply appreciate it.

I have a lot of hope for you. Though I don't know him, I have compassion for your husband. All you can do about him is to "Let go, and let God." Fixing him is utterly beyond you. Your responsibility is to fix your own life. I think you are on your way.

Sending hugs. You are very strong. You calling him and having hard time letting go is understandable. You can care for his well being. You don’t need to become uncaring and callous. But you also don’t need his regular presence in your life. You can detach with love and wish him well from the distance while you focus on your own recovery and your own well being.

Maybe when you feel like calling him, go to a meeting. And maybe in addition to AA you can join Al Anon. That could help to look at the issue from two different perspectives.

I have a lot of fight left in me, @Rose76 , @divine1966 - thank you ladies for your supportive words. I had a real good cry tonight - like a real, call out to the universe, on my knees, buried in my hands CRY. I haven't cried since all this has been going on, and I feel like I have finally let it all out.

I thought of all the times he kissed me, all the happy times, when there wasn't so much darkness. Remembering his last words being, "please" right before I hung up. I will always have a special place in my heart for him, so I will mourn for him. Al Anon is a great idea, I will look into it - because he is an addict that I love that I couldn't help and I couldn't save. Whether or not he is in his right mind or not, he rescued me. He rescued me from a life of darkness, where I stood at my computer day in and day out, never going outside, never meeting people, feeling really bad about myself. I spent 15 years like that.

But when I met him, yes I spiraled down into a path of disaster, but it brought me to North Carolina - where my parents are 40 minutes away, my friends are close by, my phone is filled with REAL LIFE people that I can call and go visit with my beautiful car that I was able to pay for. I am able to stand on my own two feet, pay my rent, pay my bills, look around my apartment in contentment.

Through all of that, he went on that journey with me, and now that I am walking alone on a different path from him, my prayers will always will be with him. I still hear him talking to me and kissing me on my forehead in the morning before he went to work, or slow dancing in the rain to my car stereo. He showed me romance. I never knew it before.

Now that I know it is real, I have something to look forward to in the future. Where I thought it was impossible to find once, I know I will find it again.

The cord has been finally cut. I feel so free