My 20yo sister left school and is living in filth. What can i do?

Desertflower5991 · Apr 19, 2024 at 06:06 AM

My 20 yo sister left high school 2 years ago, with an incomplete diploma. She preferred to procrastinate and be on tiktok rather than studying and attending class. Both extended and close family members pleaded with her to take her studies seriously, but it just got worse.

Nowadays, she just lays in bed, scrolls on tiktok all day, with zero personal hygiene. She still lives at home, and her room is in a horrible state, we even found maggots in the room because she leaves food/dirty dishes on the floor.

Everyone encouraged her to get a summer job, while in her teens and she refused, she still refuses to look for a job.

My mom seems to have given up, and shes also getting older. She has mentioned before that she expects me to take care of my sister when she's gone, and this worries me? I need some guidance, please?

eskielover · Apr 19, 2024 at 11:51 PM

Nothing you can do. Your mom should have stopped your sisters leaching off of her & taught her to be responsible long ago.

If your sister has a learning disability or a mental health issue then it is your mothers responsibility to deal with it & provide for her NOT you. It sounds like your sister may have more going on than just being lazy.

I personally would not tolerate tgat in my house if I were your mother because it never ends well.

Motivation comes from within. You can't make someone have it but you can make their situation rough enough that they will find their motivation to get out of a situstion they don't want to stay in.....all assuming there is not a much deeper mental health issue causing the lack of motivation

Discombobulated · Apr 20, 2024 at 02:38 AM

This sounds difficult

Firstly it’s not your responsibility to take care of your sister.

How is your relationship with your sister? How has it been in the past? Have you had a close bond?

Sorry, a lot of questions I know , but how you respond would affect how you might want to proceed with this. But what I want to stress right now is none of this is your responsibility.

Desertflower5991 · Apr 20, 2024 at 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

Nothing you can do. Your mom should have stopped your sisters leaching off of her & taught her to be responsible long ago.

If your sister has a learning disability or a mental health issue then it is your mothers responsibility to deal with it & provide for her NOT you. It sounds like your sister may have more going on than just being lazy.

I personally would not tolerate tgat in my house if I were your mother because it never ends well.

Motivation comes from within. You can't make someone have it but you can make their situation rough enough that they will find their motivation to get out of a situstion they don't want to stay in.....all assuming there is not a much deeper mental health issue causing the lack of motivation

Thank you, and i agree! There is likely something deeper that has to be going on. But all us siblings have never been abused in any form, and she had never had an issue with abuse in school either.

Desertflower5991 · Apr 20, 2024 at 07:30 AM

Thank you! You are right, it's not my responsability but i can't help being worried that she will get hurt when mom and dad are no longer able to take care of her.

We used to be super-close, but as she started this behaviour we have drifted further apart. I last summer was visiting home from college and i confronted her about it, she had a huge tantrum and trashed her room. I apologized because my tone came of as judgemental or catty to her. After this day she blocked me on all social media and stopped returning my phone calls, until now in april when i apologized again. We had a heart2heart and i try to call or text her weekly but she doesn't always respond or call back. Our relationship is not the same, which breaks my heart

Discombobulated · Apr 20, 2024 at 11:23 AM

Okay, I see that you have had a closeness with your sister (I’m guessing you’re the older?) but since your sister’s behaviour has changed your relationship has understandably suffered.

It’s good you have the foundation of closeness and although you’ve had difficulties you’ve apologised and kept communication open as much as possible. You sound like a pretty good sister to me, and although she might not acknowledge this hopefully on some level she’s aware of your support.

It does sound like something has happened with her, but it might not be something that’s obvious. I’d suggest keeping your mind open, not jumping to conclusions, and as much as possible listening to her. There may be clues in what she says.

You sound a good person to have on her side.

Rive. · Apr 20, 2024 at 11:31 AM

I would have a frank conversation with mom and dad and tell them that no, the burden of responsibility does not lie on your shoulders. You also have a life to live. THEY should take action now with regards to getting her help and setting boundaries.

They are the parents. Not you.

eskielover · Apr 20, 2024 at 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desertflower5991

Thank you, and i agree! There is likely something deeper that has to be going on. But all us siblings have never been abused in any form, and she had never had an issue with abuse in school either.

Abuse is not the only possible cause. If she has a learning disability, the issues can build up over time before an actual behavior pattern develops. Also if someone is undiagnosed on the autism spectrum (higher functioning) behavior issues can shiw up later in life. Having a tantrum when you discuss the problem is more of a sign that there is an underlying problem than just lazy.....but it is your parents issue to handle tbis, not yours. Maybe it is time for your parents to actually address the problem rather than continuing to tolerate it & try to shove her care off on you when they are no longer around.

Growing up, a neighbor had a baby & it was a hard delivery & oxygen was cut off from the baby's brain for awhile. He has been developmentally challenged all his life. They gave him the training he needed to fulfill his actual life potential given the mental issues & they have him established in a place where he can thrive at his own level. His sister cares about him but they never put his care responsibility on her.

Tart Cherry Jam · Apr 20, 2024 at 06:31 PM

Has there been a pattern of your parents shifting responsibility onto you in other matters? Have they every singled you out among your siblings as the toughest one, the one who can bear the most burden and the one whom they responsibilize (is there such a word?..) the most? When they told you that you should be responsible for the younger sis when they are gone, did they do it just matter-of-factly or they they also try to shame you around this issue? Before your sister dropped out of school and started living in filth, was it the case that you had had more chores at home than she had? Or is this differential treatment purely a result of the shift in your little sister's character and attitude?

Since you now are on speaking terms with her, maybe you may suggest that she has a learning disability and needs help. there are resources and she is old enough to leverage them. Maybe you can help her find the resources as long as it is clear that leveraging them is her duty.

VabGirl · Apr 20, 2024 at 07:18 PM

I hope its not too late for some tough love for your sister. She is not your responsibility.

Desertflower5991 · Apr 20, 2024 at 09:45 PM

When i think back on it, yes they definitely did that. I'm the oldest out of 4, 2 boys and my sister. Due to me being the oldest girl, i've always been given more responsibility, whether in good or bad situations. My parents were a lot more strict with me than my other siblings. As there is a 9 year gap between us, i was the only child doing chores while i was still living at home.

I should add that my two brothers have autism (mild).

Tart Cherry Jam · Apr 21, 2024 at 01:29 AM

So you have that. Back when all families were large, it was typical for the eldest to play the role of a parent. I know my great-grandmother did that, being the eldest of perhaps 7 or more kids, born to a teenage mother as typical back then. For modern times, 4 is a lot and you were served that lot in life. With autism, even mild, it is understandable that your parents are protective of the boys, but still it is unfair to you to be treated as the only one responsible. And your sister clearly does not have autism.

Have your parents ever told you that you would need to bear the responsibility for the brothers when they are gone? Sounds like no, it was with the sister that this idea of you becoming the parent when they die was uttered. Or is the autism so mild that they can function fully independently?

Desertflower5991 · Apr 21, 2024 at 02:36 AM

My mom told me i should be responsible for all my siblings well being. My thing is that, my brothers even with the autism, seem more wellrounded. They are clean and thrive on order/patterns and are more receptive to directive advice. The older one of the 2 even has nice group of friends that come around the house sometimes and they both have hobbies.

They are making efforts to be the best that they can be, within their capacities, hence i'm less worried about them and wouldn't mind helping them later on. But, my sister is not even trying and is punishing people around her for wanting a better life for her.

Discombobulated · Apr 21, 2024 at 08:58 AM

Just a thought. Has your sister been assessed for autism? It can present differently in girls.

It does seem like you’ve got at least two issues going on here, your sister’s behaviour, and your parents assumption you’ll take care of your siblings.

Do you feel like you could talk to your parents about your wishes?

Desertflower5991 · Apr 21, 2024 at 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Just a thought. Has your sister been assessed for autism? It can present differently in girls.

It does seem like you’ve got at least two issues going on here, your sister’s behaviour, and your parents assumption you’ll take care of your siblings.

Do you feel like you could talk to your parents about your wishes?

No she hasn't seen anyone yet. After reading all the advice here I will talk to them about this again.

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My 20yo sister left school and is living in filth. What can i do?

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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,015 10	Apr 20, 2024 at 11:31 AM #7 I would have a frank conversation with mom and dad and tell them that no, the burden of responsibility does not lie on your shoulders. You also have a life to live. THEY should take action now with regards to getting her help and setting boundaries. They are the parents. Not you.
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VabGirl Member Member Since Jul 2021 Location: virginia Posts: 200 2 28 hugs given	Apr 20, 2024 at 07:18 PM #10 I hope its not too late for some tough love for your sister. She is not your responsibility.
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Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,708 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Apr 21, 2024 at 08:58 AM #14 Just a thought. Has your sister been assessed for autism? It can present differently in girls. It does seem like you’ve got at least two issues going on here, your sister’s behaviour, and your parents assumption you’ll take care of your siblings. Do you feel like you could talk to your parents about your wishes?
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