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confusedgurl08
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Default Feb 27, 2008 at 02:59 PM
  #1
Ever since i have been having mental health issues 4 years now. my mother and i have had a weird relationship. At first she was supportive. Then she didn't talk to me for a year and a half. Then all of a sudden she wanted to "start a new relationship, and become close the way mothers and daughters are supposed to be" her words not mine. For a long time I really believed her and thought she had changed and that she really does love me. She keeps doing this. Disappearing for a long time and all of a sudden calling me and getting my hopes up. For example about a year ago she invited me to her yoga class (she is the instructor) I went there and everyone kept asking who i was and how did I know "c" my mother. I told them i was her daughter and they couldn't believe it. They kept saying that my mom brings pictures of her family and talks about them all the time but has never mentioned me. This hurt so bad, but i didn't say anything to my mother, I never do. The only reason i was driving 2 hours to go to her class was so I could see her. I stopped going and we didn't talk for another i don't know year i guess. Then this last christmas i was finally working again had friends, was the happiest i had ever been. Came to terms with just having a christmas with my husband and myself I hadn't had a christmas with my family in 4 years. 2 days before Christmas my mother called out of nowhere and invited us to christmas dinner (first time in 4 years). i cried and told her i would think about it. I debated up until the last minute whether or not to go. On one hand I wanted to start a new relationship, but on the other hand i am not stupid and new it would be no different than before. I decided to go. And now i am not working, depressed, suicidal, unhappy have no friends and feel the worst i have ever felt. I knew this would happen so why did i go. i shouldn't have. I was treated like a distant cousin with some horrible contagious disease. No one hugged me or asked how i was doing. I had lost 60 lbs since the last time i had seen my mom and she didn't say one thing to me. I bought a $100 digital picture frame for her and a card and letter telling her all the lies that might fix our relationship (ex. how she is such a wonderful mother, and i am the person i am because of her, blah blah blah) Do you know she looked at my wrapped gifts and said she would open them later "in her own time" We ate dinner and left And i haven't heard from her since. No thank you or anything, I don't even know if she opened the gifts. I want to confront my mother about how she has hurt me not only over the past 4 years but throughout my entire existance but i am not sure how or if it would be a good idea. i don't expect anyone to answer this (although it would be appreciated) I am sorry if I picked the wrong forum to post this in. and i am sorry it is so long.

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Default Feb 27, 2008 at 03:16 PM
  #2
(((((((( confused ))))))))))

You picked exactly the right forum to post to about your relationship with your mom.

I'm sorry you are having such difficultiies with her. It sounds to me like this behavior has gone on for a long time....pulling you in and then dropping all contact. I can't begin to understand why this happens, but I'm sure it must be tearing you apart.

I'll bet you are feeling that this cannot continue anymore. It must be horribly draining on you and painful too. Do you have a therapist you can speak to about your relationship with mom? I know when I had issues with an aunt and uncle and my dad a number of years ago, it was very helpful to have a T to help me unravel all my emotions so that I could make a decision I felt comfortable with about how I was going to deal with it all.

I was able to have my feelings and emotions validated, which was huge to me. I'll bet it would help you a lot too. Once validated, it's somewhat easier to begin to unravel the past and the feelings.

On the outside, it sounds like your mom seems to get some perverse pleasure out of making you feel like less of a person than you are. It sounds like she reels you in and then drops the line....leaving you to flounder yet again. I would imagine you go through many emotions from kicking yourself for thinking things could change and wanting to kick her for hurting you again.

Maybe realizing that you cannot control who or what your mom is and does, but you can gain control over yourself and how you deal with it all. Once you feel in control of your part of the situation, you will then be able to make better decisions for yourself.

Congrats on loosing 60lbs.!! That is awesome! I do hope you can find some peace soon with all of this.

Wishing you well!

confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post)
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Default Feb 27, 2008 at 03:23 PM
  #3
I would print this post out and send it to her

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Rich_B
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Default Feb 27, 2008 at 03:33 PM
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Confusedgurl, i have got to say i really feel for you. This is a very sad story and i am not in the least bit suprised that it is upsetting you. After and during reading it i was coming up with lots of different senarios as to why this should be happening. Maybe mom has her own mental health issues, maybe mom has a mental health phobia , maybe mom really just doesnt know how to handle your issues and just worries about that when you are around her. The true answer is i dont know . The only senario that really DIDNT come up was that she hates or even dislikes you. I have been suffering for many years with mental health issues and my parents really couldnt handle them as i belive they kept waiting to be blamed for my state of mind. When ever i went to visit it felt very much like going to see an aquaintance that was trying to impress me with how polite they could be, very starched and stayed, it effected me very badly to the point where i saw very little of them which was a shame as my mother died and i kind of missed out on her last few years. As for advice sorry i really have none other than there have been a few relationships in my life that have not been totally as i would have wished and i felt best about them when i accepted just that... I hassen to add very hard when it comes to my relationship with my father... Hugs to you and hope you get to the right place for you.....
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Default Feb 27, 2008 at 03:40 PM
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I and others have NOT wasted our time in reading this post, you seem to be looking for rejection and well you will be dissapointed here as you wont get that ! Instead you will find acceptance and welcoming arms.... confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) .
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Default Feb 27, 2008 at 03:49 PM
  #6
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Tishie said:
I and others have NOT wasted our time in reading this post, you seem to be looking for rejection and well you will be dissapointed here as you wont get that ! Instead you will find acceptance and welcoming arms.... confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) .

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I second that confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post)
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sarahlilianne
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Default Mar 01, 2008 at 12:50 AM
  #7
ditto
confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post) confronting my mother ( don't waste your time with this post)
Lily

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confusedgurl08
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Default Mar 01, 2008 at 11:34 AM
  #8
thank you everyone for your support. i never thought about printing out this post and giving it to her. That might be a good idea. yes i know my mother has mental health issues herself it just makes me so angry that she is 47 and is still in denial. and she has never actually received help. Sometimes i go back and forth between anger and feeling sorry for her because maybe she is hurting really bad. Any way thank you again for everything.

I don't think i was looking for rejection i just know there are a lot of people hurting, and other people probably need advice or help more than i do. so i didn't want anyone to go without. that is just the way i am, i would rather others be happy and me be miserable than the other way around. i know this is stupid, and i am sorry. maybe that is something i need to work on in therapy (once i find a T)

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Default Mar 01, 2008 at 04:17 PM
  #9
hi confused,

i can relate to the relationship with your mother.
i eventually found peace of mind after the emotional and mental abuse in my relationship with my mother.

i learned over the years that i had to accept she wasn't the mother i needed, but she was the one i had to cope with.

at times, i had to stay away, and it was difficult for me when i was younger, getting married, starting a family.

at other times, i got close and pretty soon, injured. damaged.
i watched helplessly as she became more and more deluded ... with such grandiosity and paranoia too, and i was considered by her to be a very low person, and way 'beneath' her, it was one crushing blow after another like that from her. my whole family suffered, but we did so differently because our experiences were not the same nor are we carbon copies.

i finally began to look at her for who she was. i had to see why i was getting damaged in the first place as the unhappiness was seeping into everything in my life, so i turned the limelight in her direction instead of it being on me - the sitting duck - and that is when i saw her for who she was - with these paranoid delusions from a mental illness, and possibly the grandiosity was from her alcohol abuse.

i saw a sadistic side to her that seemed to enjoy making women and children especially uncomfortable. a jealous person, stern and demanding on one hand, selfish with much too much alcohol to be healthy or wise on the other, and most importantly, one who could not feel empathy and compassion for others, not her very own children, not anyone elses'.

she was someone i learned i could not trust my emotions to, and realized that her problems were not caused by her children, as she liked to imply, but something she carried inside her for years that went undiagnosed.

i am sure it terrorized her. how she treated her children was similar to the actions of someone suffering in pain, thereby swatting and swiping people away. she took her pain out on others who were vulnerable to her. she was abusive. verbally, emotionally, mentally. because she was ill.

she passed away recently.

she couldn't give me any credit throughout my lifetime.
she did not know how to give.
i believe she did not want to be like she was.
as a teen mother, she was once trapped in a loveless marriage. completely miserable. she became abusive with her children. quite violent towards girls. somewhere in her young first marriage, she lost it. mental breakdown. she did not want anyone to know. she hid it. or so she thought. we loved her so we saw. she did not understand what we saw. we loved her. how could we know what to do. how could we know what game to play?

i cried deep inside at her funeral. i saw frozen adults children. a few friends. some in-laws who just critisized. most of my mothers family stayed away from her children. i wondered if they believed her delusions over the years, or did they dislike us also because we were also beneath them. see, it still kicks up. but really, who cares what they think now. it matters what i think.

i wished i learned to either stay away from her all together as an adult,
or have found a way to be a friend with no expectations - and reserved my expressions of loving feelings and concern for others instead.

she seemed to have handled that superficial stuff much better.

we all have to figure out what is best for us in our relationships.
abusive ones are the hardest to cope with. it did help to talk things out with a therapist years ago. although the grief my mother dished out was overwhelming at times, i forgave her. after all, i needed my heart and soul intact, no matter what other people say or do, i am ultimately responsible for myself and how i respond to the intentions of others.

i gained more from my mother than she would ever know. my strength and courage and convictions are results of a process to become a better person than what i experienced in my family as expectations on her children. i surpassed those. i had to. i needed to survive all the abuse and the way i did was learn to be the best person i could, and take no prisoners - no abuse and brutality from me towards anybody - not ever - and i do respect people and their feelings, and do get into my life with feel lots of love for those who care about me. i rose above the circumstances for the most part. i thank my mother for that. she did make me want to be the best person i could.

you will find a way to deal with the neglect and emotional abuse.
life will teach you.
listen to your history with her in a therapists' office and it might change your perspective and begin the healing process. i hope this helped. i wrote this out because i felt maybe there was something here that might assist you.

i hope this isn't a bringdown to people to read, if so, i apologize. it is a blessing to come out the other end. i have done that. i know what i am like and what i am not. that is always a good thing. to know oneself.

peace and love,
nightbird

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confusedgurl08
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Default Mar 02, 2008 at 11:57 AM
  #10
nightbird, no this does not bring me down. i mean i am so sorry you went through similar things and similar feelings. I would not wish that on anyone. And i am sorry your mother passed away. But your story does bring light to my eyes that it is possible to maybe not get over it, but to learn now to cope with it. Thank you so much for sharing with me, and i know it is going to be hard work and i have just been pretending it doesn't bother me and putting it at the back of my mind, hoping one day it would just disappear on it's own. i know now that it will be hard to talk about but it is the only way it will ever stop coming back to haunt me. I can't thank you enough for sharing such an emotional time in your life.

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Default Mar 02, 2008 at 08:22 PM
  #11
My own mother is very similar to this. I broke contact years ago but within the last 2 years have spoken to her about the hurt she has caused. Not all but a flavor of you are not off the hook for what you have done. I would be really ill if I had contact with that entire family. I know she will die soon. She and the father are on oxygen and have major health issues. A lot from smoking. I have no pitty for them. I will not have a relationship as I need to do what is best for me. I know I am okay and I can make my world be filled with family of choice who love and support me. I hope you can do the same. Some mothers are just plain toxic.
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