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nicoleflynn
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Default Apr 18, 2013 at 05:52 AM
  #21
Unfotunately, therapist abuse is rampant, but rarely talked about. THey protect their own, just like MD's. If a client decides to report, it is a long uphill battle. I have read books where the client reports and one woman......it took her 5 years to have the therapist lose his license. It used to be that it was rare for anyone to believe it happened and it isn't much better now.
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Question May 05, 2013 at 06:35 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by H3rmit View Post
Your sig says something like "treat others as you would like them to treat you."

How would you like your husband to behave if the shoe were on the other foot?

Why would you hope to trust if you yourself can't be trusted?

Maybe if you work backwards from putting yourself in your husband's position, you'll get further understanding about trust?

It's a painful thing you've gone through. I'm glad there are resources for your issue, but sad that there has to be such a thing.

So what are saying?

That this entire situation was my fault and that I'm not to be trusted ?

Forgive me if I am reading this incorrectly, but that's the impression that i am getting

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Default May 06, 2013 at 08:30 PM
  #23
Lizzie - focus your energies on whose feedback you want to take in. Please. Compassion for yourself is what is needed. As NicoleF stated, therapist abuse is more rampant and a unique type of abuse. Don't take in other abuse right now. Not worth your energy. You validate yourself. Criticism and judgment is not the way out. If anything, use those words to confront your own inner judge.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was saying that I still held some personal blame for my therapist's exploitation. That I had pushed boundaries, that I was needy, that I ignored red flags. She said something that was so right on - that clients of therapists always push boundaries, always. She's a therapist so she knows. She said hands down, it is always the therapists responsibility to uphold ethics. She also said that I wanted those red flags - its so true. I had normal transference and he egged it on, and I liked it. To the point that he took over my life. It's hard not to feel ashamed about that - I used to consider myself an independent person and thinker. He was good and he got me. Surely a skilled manipulator.

Hang in there.
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Default May 07, 2013 at 10:11 AM
  #24
Thank you Jungatheart and nicoleflynn,
Believe me I really am trying to be kind to compassionate to myself but its so difficult. Its difficult to explain but for 20 years he was the only person that i could turn to whenever i needed to make sense of my of life or ask advice regarding issues in my life. During the majority of those 20 years he really did help me, or at least i thought he helped me. I dont know at what stage he decided that he wanted me in a sexual manner. Regardless of the sexual part of our relationship, he provided me with a sense of feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that no matter what he was always there for me. I now associate my feelings of feeling good about myself with him. I don't have that anymore. As much as i know what he did was wrong I miss him and the feelings of security that he provided me with. Now I'm left feeling totally confused and alone and with two sets of conflicting feelings about him. On the one hand i miss him and am left with a huge void in my life. On the other hand i despise him immensely for doing what he knew was wrong and would impact me in a negative manner.

How do i move forward in my life and forget all about him ?

Will i ever get over this? How long before i start feeling better about myself? I have so many questions but no answers.

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Default May 08, 2013 at 06:28 PM
  #25
Yes, of course there was good. That's why you went, kept going. Is there a point that you remember things changing? It would have been way before it turned sexual. Have you written out a time-line of it all? You may find that helpful.

Those conflicting thoughts and feelings make everything that much more painful. He instigated your dependency and for a reason. That's been a hard fact for me to swallow, that he made me feel like I "needed" him in order to feel good - for his own power, all disguised in the name of care. That's one of the biggest catastrophes of it all and an evil violation. It blows my mind that anyone would do such a thing, but I am beginning to accept this.

20 years is a very long time, and it's going to take some time to heal the many layers that are involved. You will start to feel more confident in your ability to feel good on your own. That is the truth - he was never actually necessary in order for you to feel safe and secure within yourself. That was a lie he fed you, and it ties into wanting a parent figure to take care of us. Who wouldn't want that, especially if you never had it as a kid. That's where/how self compassion comes in.

I can't really speak to your questions, but you can email the TELL volunteers who have a good amount of time out from their abusers. They are from all over the world. Their articles on their website have some good insights. Part of shame is the secrecy, so telling trusted individuals can help you move forward.

All I know to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to just let myself feel, trying to gain some understanding, trying to reach out, trying to be more self loving in moments, trying to feel more hope than wounded in moments. Some days are better than others - so also trying to have patience.

Last edited by Jungatheart; May 08, 2013 at 08:14 PM..
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Default May 08, 2013 at 10:12 PM
  #26
I am so sorry. It's a line in the sand they just shouldn't cross but it sometimes scares me how broken and human T's are. I would never excuse what your T did, however. But the remaining attachment must hurt and I am so sorry.

I had a scary moment early in therapy where my T, in an effort to impress me, almost crossed a different line. He wanted to tell me the story of a famous person, possibly a conservative politician from what I gathered, and how this person was fired on day 1 of therapy. I was in the awkward position of having to remind him that even assholes deserve anonymity. He backed off and never told me who it was. That is the only time I had to set the boundary, but it must not be a patient's job to do so.

I don't mean to compare my minor situation to yours, I guess I just want to say I think I understand how this stuff can happen. I love my T and I think if he wanted to be intimate it would be hard for me to refuse, even though part of me might know he is being abusive. I hope you can find an ethical T who specializes in treating those abused by other T's.

It is still a loss and I feel for you. Take care.
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Lightbulb May 09, 2013 at 09:12 PM
  #27
Thank you for all the feedback everyone.
Today I have come to a realisation that nothing in life is mearly black and white, there are shades of grey in every situation in our lives. You just need to be able to dissect the good parts from the bad parts. Hold onto the good parts and throw the bad bits out with the garbage. I could choose to come away from this experience feeling like a victim but i choose not to. We choose to do things in life because at the time its what we need. At that point of my life it was what i needed. I needed to know if i was a normal sexually functioning woman.

My husband and I had not been intimate for so many years due to his medical problem. I had to know for my own peace of mind if i was a "normal" woman. After spending years and years of worrying and douting myself it was a massive relief to discover that yes i am normal!!!!! My husband never told tell me that due to his surgery that he would have problems with maintaining an erection. It was only by chance that i found this was the case. For all those years my husband led me to believe that the sexual disfunction in our relationship was all my fault and that there was something wrong with me! I needed to know the truth! I needed to prove to myself whether my husband was right in blaming me for the lack of sex in our relationship. To my surprise I discovered that i was perfectly normal. OMG what a huge revelation that was to me. I needed to know the truth and it does not matter who provided me with that knowledge. The way I see things is that what would be worse? Having to live the rest of my life thinking and wondering if i was to blame for our sexual problems? Or would i prefer to know that it wasnt me and that I was perfectly normal woman? I know which i prefer even though it means going through some pain and heartache now. I now look at the pain and the confusion as a trade-off for what i ultimately needed to know.

Yes, Im having to deal with the fall-out of the situation but he too has to live with the consequences of his actions. He has been de-registered as ever being able to practice again and is looking at the possibilty of spending time in prison for his actions.

To summarise....at the end of the day we both got what we wanted.
I dont regret what i did for a moment. Im sure that some of you will judge me. Everyone is entitled to there own opinion. However unless you have walked in my shoe you cannot judge me..... In my heart of hearts I now know that what i did was right for me and am now finally at peace with myself and ready to heal and move forward in my life ....

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Default May 12, 2013 at 11:12 PM
  #28
Good for you! It's all a process. More shall be revealed.
I am jealous that you have legal action that will protect you and others.
Glad to hear you've found some peace. If/when you testify, you can always access that place.
Take care.
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Heart May 14, 2013 at 04:56 AM
  #29
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Originally Posted by Jungatheart View Post
Good for you! It's all a process. More shall be revealed.
I am jealous that you have legal action that will protect you and others.
Glad to hear you've found some peace. If/when you testify, you can always access that place.
Take care.
Have no idea what the future holds in store Jungatheart. All I know is that I had no choice but to do what I did in order to be able to receive therapy for what happened to me. I reported him to the relevant government authorities and submitted a statement stating exactly what happened. As far as im aware I wont need to testify in court. Will have to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

In the meantime I need to regain my life and move forward. Of course I wont ever be able to forget what happened but in time I can look back to that period in my life and no longer feel pain. That is when i will know that I have healed.

He had already been de-registered from practicing even before I reported him. Hopefully my statement will re-inforce the extent of his sexual abuse and prevent anyone else from being subjected to his abuse.

Thank you for listening and allowing me to write down my feelings. It's helped more than you can imagine

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Default May 14, 2013 at 07:45 AM
  #30
Hi Lizzy,

I am so sorry to hear this happened. Although you say that he didn't force you and that you wanted it to happen at the time, he was still in a powerful position and you were the vulnerable one coming to him for help and from that aspect, it is still very much abuse and you have every right to feel as upset as you do.

I am glad that he has been deregistered but that doesn't stop your pain and the pain of unfortunately we don't know how many more. He took advantage of someone in need of closeness.

I think you have been incredibly brave to seek therapy again and I hope that once you can build up some level of trust that they will be able to help you. As with any situation, therapy doesn't make it instantly better, so sometimes there is a low before we come out of it which may explain why you arent feeling better with therapy.

It is going to be hard also as being in therapy may be triggering but I hope you can get the help you need.

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Heart May 22, 2013 at 08:41 PM
  #31
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Hi Lizzy,

I am so sorry to hear this happened. Although you say that he didn't force you and that you wanted it to happen at the time, he was still in a powerful position and you were the vulnerable one coming to him for help and from that aspect, it is still very much abuse and you have every right to feel as upset as you do.

I am glad that he has been deregistered but that doesn't stop your pain and the pain of unfortunately we don't know how many more. He took advantage of someone in need of closeness.

I think you have been incredibly brave to seek therapy again and I hope that once you can build up some level of trust that they will be able to help you. As with any situation, therapy doesn't make it instantly better, so sometimes there is a low before we come out of it which may explain why you arent feeling better with therapy.

It is going to be hard also as being in therapy may be triggering but I hope you can get the help you need.

Thank you for your words of kindness and encouragement dizgirl2011. I don't see myself as being brave by seeking therapy. Seeking therapy is something that I must do to come to begin to heal and to move on in my life. I trusted and relied on my former therapist for 20 years of my life. I learned to rely on him as being the father that I never had. Now I have to let go of him and of the past and move on in my life. I realise that it wont be easy but my current therapist seems to understand my needs and has enrolled me in attending group sessions specialising in Emotional Management. Initially I will be attending a ten week progam from the hours of 9.15am to 2.30pm. This program will includes assisting in developing mastery over emotional distress. Core Mindfulness Skills are the focus on the the group. Depending how I feel after completing this program I will attend a 30 week DBT program which is designed to focus on how to tolerate overwhelming distress, to be assertive, to understand and manage emotions, to reduced self-destructive behaviours and to improve self worth and sense of self.

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Default May 28, 2013 at 12:37 PM
  #32
Hi! I'm very sorry to hear your story. U went to your therapist and exposed all your inner feelings and workings of your mind. What usually happens whenu share the inner workigns of your mind is that all your weaknesses as a human be come to the surface and now u become vulnerable! Don't u see what happened here? I'm sure u c it now!

I've had the same thing happen to me but not with my T. Since then I've been inprisoned in my own hell. I feel worthless and abused.

If in your heart u felt that going to a T was necessary to work things out in your mind then that's ok. U were looking out for yourself... the only problem was is that your T saw it as an opportunity to take advantage of your trust that he, or she, would be able to help u.... What he did was take advantage of u and u had every right to report him.

I hope ur husband can find it in his heart to forgive u...

Good luck to u and I wish u all that best....







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I dont know where to start, im feeling so much pain that i feel like dying. Have seriously thought that dying is the only way out of this pain that im feeling. My therapist had sex with me for 3 years. He never forced me to do anything. I wanted it also and i enjoyed it. However the crunch came when he told me that he had been deregistered from practising again due to doing the same to another patient. I have reported him to the medical board for what he did to me. I thought that he cared about me...not as in love of course but that he cared about me as a person. My husband and I havent had a sexual relationship for many many years and i was feeling desperately lonely and needed to feel intimacy again. He provided this for me and at the time I really enjoyed and didnt think that he was causing me harm by doing what he did. Its only now that its over that the feelings of being used by him have hit me. On one hand i hate him for what he did to me, but on the other hand i miss him. I feel so mixed up and dont know how im supposed to continue my life without him. I trusted my therapist for 20 years and during the first 17 years he did help me through life issues and how to cope with things at were happening in my life. I thought of him as someone that i could confide in and felt a strong bond towards him. I didnt tell anyone what happened for just over a year and just recently i told my new therapist thinking that i would feel better talking to someone about what happened but i dont feel any better. If anything I feel as though no one understands the sheer pain and heartache that im dealing with. I just cannot live with this pain and im afraid that in a moment of grief and pain that i will blurt this out to my husband.....my husband knows nothing of what happended....
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Default Aug 01, 2013 at 08:37 PM
  #33
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Originally Posted by almostthere View Post
Hi! I'm very sorry to hear your story. U went to your therapist and exposed all your inner feelings and workings of your mind. What usually happens whenu share the inner workigns of your mind is that all your weaknesses as a human be come to the surface and now u become vulnerable! Don't u see what happened here? I'm sure u c it now!

I've had the same thing happen to me but not with my T. Since then I've been inprisoned in my own hell. I feel worthless and abused.

If in your heart u felt that going to a T was necessary to work things out in your mind then that's ok. U were looking out for yourself... the only problem was is that your T saw it as an opportunity to take advantage of your trust that he, or she, would be able to help u.... What he did was take advantage of u and u had every right to report him.

I hope ur husband can find it in his heart to forgive u...

Good luck to u and I wish u all that best....




Hi
Thank you almostthere,
I realise that what my therapist did was very very wrong, however at the same time I enjoyed our meetings and looked forward to seeing him. I still miss him but am slowly letting him go. He is no longer in mind every waking hour. Sometimes I allow myself to indulge and fantasize about being with him but i no longer obsess about him.

I see no point in telling my husband what happened. It wont change the situation. The situation is what it is. What good is telling my husband going to do? There's nothing to be gained by telling him....i would prefer to spare him the pain. What happened happened and im dealing with it the best i can. Bringing my husband into the situation would just make matters worse.

Hope you are in a good place and wish you luck and happiness also

xxx

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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 10:26 AM
  #34
Just to update you on how my situation stands at the moment. I have told my husband the entire story regarding the sexual abuse from my former therapist. My husband supports me and says that nothing has changed between us. He says he loves me and will stand by me.

If eventually his feelings and thought about me change so be it. If and when that happens I will have to deal with that later.

Im still going through hell and confusion over what happened. Things haven't really changed all that much. There are two parts of me. One part hates and despises this man and the other part misses him and still grieves over him.

Apparently there are two other women apart from myself that my former therapist abused. He did the exact same thing to them as he did to me. I spoke to the police today and agreed that i would testify in court against him. I realise this going to be a very long and painful process however I want to do it and do everything in my power to see him punished for what he has done. Of course there's no guarantee that he will go to prison. The Law is not always just and fair and he could get away with a slap on the wrist.

Whatever does happen I feel that its my duty to speak up and expose this predator for what he is. If there is a God he will be punished. The hurt and torture that he has put me through will probably never go away, i have to deal with this pain the best that i can. Take one step at a time. This is really difficult for my to write about. Seeing my feelings in text is really confronting and very painful for me. As im writing this im experiencing panic attacks.

Thank you for listening.

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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 10:41 AM
  #35
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I will send the titles on Monday (have the list at work) Try to not hate yourself; that is so defeating. You did nothing wrong. Try to put the anger where it belongs....on the abuser. I know that is hard. I had that experience. I am glad you have a therapist!
If you are experiencing panic attacks, please....deep breaths, calming exercises, get off the board and have some personal time to get yourself together. I know how scary those can be.

First and foremost Lizzie, I sympathize with your experience. Obviously I'm sorry for whatever lead you to this course of action, obviously you had a lot of pain to deal with, and no one jumps into an affair...lightly, no less one in which the person you're supposed to be getting help from, is your seducer.

However....it does take two to tango. Nicole says you "did nothing wrong." While I feel for your pain, that is not true, and you SHOULD examine beyond desire, the need to feel wanted and needed and desired, what really lead you into this affair. Things, don't just "happen."

Now before I say one word about that, where I agree with every single person on this board, is that your therapist should be taken to task with everything that could be thrown at him, he should lose his license, if there are legal actions that can be taken against this predator, the entire book should be thrown at him. This man intercepted when you were at your weakest.

But I think you need to do a lot of self examination as well. I feel empathy towards you, having a partner who is unable to perform because of physical reasons, is a very difficult thing to deal with, but instead of going to your partner and attempting to find common ground, you did in fact CHOOSE to engage in a three year affair with your therapist. No one, from what you're writing about here, put a GUN to your head, you were not co-erced into this relationship, you willingly went there, and that is going to require self reflection, not to mention, you will need someone REAL to speak to, as you now have an additional problem to add to whatever you were in therapy for, this being infidelity, and from what I can gather, therapist or no therapist, you engaged in an affair for the very same reasons most people engage in affairs, that being, their relationships are forcing them to seek what they do not have elsewhere. It could be EASY to blame the majority on this upon a therapist who chose to pounce when you were weak, and believe me, this IS something he did, and he should be removed of his ability to practice. However, you DID accept and receive his affections willingly and for 3 years at that. We're talking about a long term affair. Those don't happen just because....

I read that you've already discussed this with your significant other, and that he's forgiven you, is frankly amazing and miraculous, but I hope you were frank about the the entirety of the situation and didn't blame it ALL on your THERAPIST because aside from it being untrue, it's not going to help you heal in the long run and solve the issues that caused the infidelity in your marriage. Living with a lie will hurt EVERYONE involved, MOST OF ALL YOU.

I wish you healing and hope.

Last edited by coltranefanatic; Feb 16, 2014 at 10:59 AM..
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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 11:31 AM
  #36
Idk - i believe the client is legally the victim of a crime that the therapist committed. And let us try to remember that we want to support, not judge?
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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 11:44 AM
  #37
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Idk - i believe the client is legally the victim of a crime that the therapist committed. I think your feelings about your personal situation and or history might be affecting your judgment here. And let us try to remember that we want to support, not judge?
Hankster, I am absolutely NOT judging. But there is a distinction from not passing judgement and buttering someone's delicate onions. I feel absolutely horrible for her. I made this clear.

But I think it's unhealthy to live....with a chronic lie. It eats away at you. I know this. I did this. Before I was married, I was in a long term relationship, and it was BAD. It was a very psychologically damaging relationship, in which he manipulated me, and a whole bunch of weirdnesses. I was in a touring rock band, and began, towards the big blow up ending, to cheat. The opportunities were there, and I took them. Never mind that he'd been cheating on and off with me. I was determined to be the bigger person and by the end? Nope. I didn't.

And I didn't tell him. Not til it kept me up at night, caused insomnia, and made me absolutely self destructive. Doing wrong, is not the same as BEING wrong. She's a beautiful hurt human being, but she did, something wrong, and something thankfully her husband is forgiving her for.

And if you read everything I wrote, I ABSOLUTELY think she was the involved in a crime committed. I believe that this therapist is a predator, and worse, a multiple offense predator.

But as intense as it can be, as skilled as he was, as much emotional leverage as he had over her, and moreover at a time when she was vulnerable, it does NOT absolve the issues that brought her to AGREE to have this affair. And those issues are worth examination, hopefully with a therapist that isn't a creep or a criminal.

I hope this is made clear by my response. That and I hope that bastard is put out of business and more.
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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 12:22 PM
  #38
Being abused by a therapist and a boyfriend is so different. Your extremely vulnerable and they have the advantages of all the skills of a therapist. They have the tools to change a person and to betray that trust and use it selfishly is totally sick.

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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 03:33 PM
  #39
There's a reason why Ts could face jail time for this- you might not like it (I sure don't) but they can have a significant power over us and mess our minds up. After 7yr of intensive therapy I am thanking God that my T is highly ethical cause I'm not 100% sure that should he decide to groom me I would be able to recognize it for what it is and stop it. And no, he's not my type at all (20+older, shortish, getting bald and with a beer belly).

LizzieVale- I'm so glad that your H understands. I have nothing but great respect for your decision to stand up to this perv- takes guts to take him to court. I hope he gets what he deserves.
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sanguine007
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Default Feb 16, 2014 at 06:54 PM
  #40
Coltranefanatic, I've been a lurker on these boards for close to five years. I've never been compelled to respond to any post until this moment, hence my registration today. Your reply to the OP is the single most damaging response I have read here to date. I definitely am part of the *face the truth and own your ****** brigade but you clearly have no concept of what it means to be groomed by a predator.
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