A Traumatic ending, painfull Transference.

Hello I'm new here, ,and Id like to share my story, and welcome your comments and feedback. I hope many can gain something from this story.

I had somewhat troubled child hood, but didnt grow up over thinking it, I just got on the best I could. Iv had depression on and off since my 20s, and certain events during the last few years push me into a much deeper depression, financial, physical health, and many deaths in the family including a friend whom iv known for a very long time. I also had other issues that could have stemmed from childhood, but I wasnt sure. Im with a partner and have kids.

I was advised by my doctor to see a therapist earlier this year, so thought it would be a good idea, this is the first time I had any type of psychotherapy, and I didnt want anyone to know. I met a very nice Lady whom I clicked with the first day, and soon started therapy with this C.B.T therapist. I was limited to 12 weeks, but didnt see this as a problem at the time. By week 4 I had felt unusually comfortable talking to my therapist, this kind of confused me a bit as im not like that normally, but it felt good at the time. Before long I was talking about past events which upset me on the day, but was told it can help in C.B.T.

It wasnt long before she was due a break, and this was the first time I had an emotional break down, I just didnt know why this had happened at the time, but it was very painful, could not stop crying.

It wasnt long before I saw her again, and was please to get back to therapy, but I knew I was getting to like her quite a lot, I had talked about my feelings toward her, but was reluctant in case she refereed me to someone else, but it didnt seem to be a huge problem to her, so we carried on. Each time I saw her I felt a stronger towards her, which followed by a crash in deeper depression as early as the same night from the day I saw her. It was at this time I was reading all over the internet to find out what is happening to me, as the feelings towards my therapist where getting overwhelming. This is where I had come across the word "Transference". It became clear to me that I was experiencing an Erotic Transference, but by the time I knew about this it was too late.

I had nobody to turn to outside therapy, so had to try to work this out for myself as this experience was becoming too painful to bare, often crying at night from this feeling of loss when I wasnt in her presents. This was not something I had anticipated, or knew could happened, more so for the fact I dont get close to people that easy in every day life, and certainly not in this short space of time. I was looking forward to each session paying extra attention to my grooming, and clothing choice, and what aftershave I should ware.

Soon all attention and feelings was no longer on what I went there for, but was about coming to terms with these feelings for my therapist, and the thought of Therapy coming to a sudden end. Each week it got worse, until yet another break was due for her. This time I tried my best to give myself all the logical reasons why I couldn't be with her, I listed them down in writing. I had to come to terms that these feelings where brought on by Transference, and where not a real life scenario, but somewhat induced by a role she played in the therapy room giving me unconditional listening, attentive, and a caring persona. She did nothing wrong, but I could pick up when she felt uncomfortable, and when she felt angry at times, by some comments she said.

Soon she was due another short break. By this point I had mixed feelings of the double edge sword. I felt emotional pain before, during, and after I saw her from these linked feelings of anticipation of therapy ending for good, and what I knew I had coming to me as a result from this sudden ending. During the next 2 weeks of not seeing her I suffered from deep grief, it was the worse iv ever felt to this point, like death of a close one, being dumped by a lover, and a child being abandoned, all rolled into one, then times that pain by 10x. I was getting flash backs of child hood, the therapists face, and all kinds of thoughts and images tormenting me every day and night. My mind was on over drive, I had no sleep what so ever for a whole week. I had no appetite, and was loosing 2lb a week for the last few weeks. I couldnt stop crying every night.

When I returned to therapy I had hoped that this bad period of time had broken the connection I had with her. It seems that this was the case, as I felt more angry, than feelings of love toward her. I tried to not let my anger show, but she picked up on it, and gave signs she too was frustrated while I explained to her what I had been through, and what I had worked out to the be the issue. I had no interpretation from her at no point to help me understand my transference, this was because she clearly was not trained to deal with this, she is a C.B.T therapist, and rightly didnt try to go beyond what she was trained to do.

I knew that my therapy had more in common with Psychodynamic therapy than C.B.T, only I didnt have months or years to deal with my transference, or have a therapist who could aid me during this painful time. I had only 2 sessions left, and by this point my depression was on a all time low. It felt like I was waiting for the worse experience in my life yet to come, and was dreading it. The sheer thought of walking out that building never to see or speak to her again was heart breaking, it was all I could think about. It was clear she had no idea what I was going through as she has asked why had I come back to therapy if its hurting me so much? Anyone in my situation will know its like a drug, withdrawing from something that is doing you no good, yet even a temporary relief is better than nothing. I had to see the last two sessions through, and the next week made me realise just how much I wanted her outside of therapy.

Second to last week had come. When I looked at her face with the sun shining though the window, her skin looked pure, she was just beautiful. I felt my whole self changing in that moment, even she had notice this change. I had re established this connection with her, this transference was back, and even stronger. To her she thought it was a breakthrough, but I knew what it was. I was much happier, positive, like iv not been for a while. I walked out that session feeling great. The heart can be cruel, despite the odds being dismal of me having a relationship with her outside therapy, the mind holds on to every ounce of chance no matter how unlikely that chance was.

The last week was getting close, I could not sleep, and kept breaking down in tears during this week. Not only was I trying to cope with the problems I had went into therapy for, but had this new problem that nobody could help me with. I understood the reality of it all, but the intellect does not help with the feeling of want over what I actually need.

The last day had come, it felt surreal, but I had to face it. I sat in the waiting room, and felt gloom come over me, she called my name, and I followed her into a room. That connection with her was instantly established, I was hurting so much, and kept looking at the clock as time went by. I held back the tears for a while, but they came out in the end of their own accord. Our session was up, in that moment I was about to walk away from her, and I was over come by deep emotional pain, in almost a shock like state. What followed as I walked away and left the building was sheer emotional deep grief like I had never felt before in my life.

I cried like I had never done before in my adult life, and kept crying all that evening, and the following week until I was emotionally numb. I was at a all time low point, my thoughts where not good to say the least, and felt I had hit the lowest point of all time. I couldn't hide this from others any more, I was an emotional wreck. For my own safety patient confidentiality was broken to my doctor and Partner, I had no choice to tell my partner what I had been going through. I was broken, I was on such a emotional overload that I couldnt function.

My meds where put to a higher dose, I had bad side effects to this, I was still loosing weight, and had lost 18lb by this point. Over the next two weeks I was totally drained physically, and emotionally. I went from feeling deep sadness, to emotional numbness, and continued this way for the next month.

I had seen a physiatrist by then, and am directed back to the same building that my therapist works at next week.

The thought of bumping into her is causing me emotional pain, I know I must stay away from her to get over this, but there is a chance I will see her while im waiting to see a different person for a new assessment. Every time I go out my house I find myself scanning for her face in shops, driving my car.
I want to get help, but now feel I cant be open as I was before, as I know how painful transference can be for me. Since my therapy had ended I had a diagnosis of having a personality disorder, which im sure had a effect on my transference. In either case I dont know what to do, should I cancel going back, should I go, but refuse further therapy, should I have psychodynamic therapy that will last longer than 12 weeks, but then I will have to face transference again with someone new, with the possibility of bumping into my old therapist in that same building?

At this time iv lost the sense of who I am, where im going in life, and every hobbies, interest I ever had is gone.

Hello ScottJ33: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you will find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I would have to admit that I have never had this type of experience. So I cannot really offer much in the way of knowledgeable suggestions. In general, it just sounds to me as though this is all something you are going to need to work through with a new therapist...

Personally, if this were me, I think I would opt for not returning to a place where I would be likely to run into this particular therapist again. It seems as though it would simply be like rubbing salt into the wound, as the saying goes. I can't speak to the question regarding psychodynamic therapy since I'm not familiar with it. Hopefully some other members, here on PC, who have more experience than I in this area will come along to offer some better advice. My best wishes to you...

I am so sorry you are going through this! Many but not all CBT therapists do not know how to handle transference.

I think I have had moments of what you describe. From what I understand therapy can awaken old neediness and unfulfilled needs from when you were younger. It can hit like a tidal wave.

If you have the opportunity to do psychodynamic instead of CBT I would recommend it, having done both. Take care! It sounds painful!

I second what growly said. From what you describe I'm guessing this was NHS therapy? I find the options available on the NHS frankly useless for anyone experiencing attachment issues.
If it is in any way possible I would look for a therapist in private practice who works from a person-centred approach. This site is excellent for finding therapists: http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists
If a private therapist isn't possible for you, I recommend you return to your GP and tell them how you feel about what has occurred. Perhaps ask what options there are for longer term counselling in your area.

Unfortunately, it is common to have deep feelings for our t's---and for them to have feelings for a client. Talking about it can help.

I can hear your pain in your post. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! My first thought upon reading your post was the 12 session limit. I don't think that's right. Is that due to the T or your insurance or ??? I would definitely consider trying a new T, talk about transference right up front so she can do what she can to help with it before it happens, and a therapist who won't have a session limit right off the bat. You were only just getting started, and had to stop. I am seeing three Ts right now, one psychodynamic, one CBT, and one somatic experiencing. Trying to decide which one is best. My psychodynamic T I've seen for almost two years, and think I need to leave her because the transference and attachment is too high to be a healthy experience for me. So far, I don't have this with the other two at all.

When I started seeing a psychodynamic psychotherapist, I didn't know what was going to hit me - perhaps like you when you started seeing your therapist? I think that therapy can actually be a very powerful thing, and this is never explained to clients when they start. Like you, I also had a big reaction to my therapist's breaks. I think it means that I experienced some form of abandonment when I was a child. I think that are a number of us on this board, and probably many more not on the board who have found our experience of therapy to be damaging rather than helpful. I think that the profession doesn't acknowledge this possibility. I dont know how you feel about the diagnosis you've now been given, perhaps it would be more helpful to consider that you had an abandonment experience when you were young and that this is now impacting you. I dont know if you will be able to get help on the NHS, or whether more therapy would be helpful? I see a therapist privately, my second therapist has been much more helpful than the first one. I think that time helps to diminish the pain of difficult therapy too.

I can relate to a good chunk of what you went through. The part above in particular about the role playing. In my experience this was not just an aspect of the whole thing, this kinda was the whole thing. It was precisely this persona of the ideal woman/mate and the perfectly attuned and empathetic caretaker that set off the horrible neediness and obsession. What was additionally shattering and psychologically damaging was finding out later that the persona masked a bunch of her own neuroses, stuff that only came out when I confronted her post-termination, and that she had been feeding off of my longings and desire, the very stuff that was crushing me. In a very real sense I had been conned and deceived.

Also the analogy to drug addiction. Thats how it was for me. And sudden termination induced the most horrific withdrawal nightmare. It also showed just how oblivious my T was. She made no suggestion of tapering off, planning for a crisis, contingencies. She just said adios. I realized that seeing her was not curative in any way, it was only palliative. I have been stuck in an a 20 month obsession and spiral.

Not sure what the answer is. Hope you find something. I hate giving advice but one thing I would suggest is that no matter what you should always trust your gut about what's true and what really happened. I keep coming back to this, and it never fails me. I refuse to let another T or anyone else try to talk me into something that does not square with my inner visceral knowing. Sounds like you have a good handle on things.

ETA: The other thing I refuse to listen to is any assertion that this is just about me. Hey, it's transference, these are your issues. Utter bulls**t. The T's behavior and her own needs and neuroses, the process, the underlying assumptions, the isolation, the ambiguity… all of it conspired to produce the eventual outcome.

Hi. My only worry is that I get attached to another therapist, don't think I could handle this again.

If only I knew about this before I went into therapy, I doubt I would have gone.

Hi, Yes it was under NHS. I'm grateful to get help, but the after care wasn't there at my worst point, when it all ended.

Hi. These feelings went beyond anything I could have ever imagined, not healthy at all.

Hi. If it was pure CBT then 12 weeks would have been fine. However neither she or I knew how id react when I went into child hood memories, or how id have attachment problems. We both knew than even if it had been extended longer, she couldn't have helped me, as she wasn't trained Pshycodynamicly to help me interpretate my Transference. I was in a no win situation, it was pain if I saw her as I couldn't be with her outside therapy, pain when I wasn't with her, and huge pain when it all ended so sudden.

Hi. I think some things should be explained to clients before therapy begins. Although I knew there would have to be boundaries, non where talked about at the beginning, in fact they never came up until I made it absolutely clear I wanted more.

Hi. My vulnerability allowed me to connect on a deep level in which gave me a taste of what I needed, only it was in a hired friend who will one day drop me. I never did understand how this could help me develop better relationships outside therapy when the outcome is going to be I'm suddenly dropped, abandoned. If anything it has made me more resilient to opening up to relationships due to the most painful experience of being abandoned by someone who is pretending to be your friend.

Of course what I felt was more than a friend, more than a lover, it went deeper than that which I never thought was possible. Next week I'm going to have to face going into the same building, it feels like the week I'm waiting to see her for another session, its all very confusing. Just when I think I'm getting over it, it hits back at me, I hope this don't hang on, and on like this.

Thanks for all your comments and feedback.

Youre EXTREMELY insightful for someone with only ten or eleven weeks of CBT. Its like youre a relationship genius. Youve travelled quite a road in a very short time. Im in awe.

Same here.

Same here. Intrusive thoughts, obsession, preoccupation, addiction.

Same here.

Same here.

For me there was a connection, but I still don't know the nature of it. Friend-no. Mate-no. Parent-no. What? Yea the abandonment was lethal for me too. Seemed to confirm all my worst fears about being beyond hope, defective, forever alienated and excluded, intimacy = pain. I found the whole thing like a cruel practical joke, almost a mockery of my core wounds and shame.

I hope that it gets easier, I still miss her so much, and still feel the pain. . I think about her every day, night and still don't sleep. It's been just over 2 months since it ended.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it is exceptionally painful. It's been a year since my T told me he was moving away and I ended up hospitalized (cannot prove it, but I think it was a direct result). He even gave me 6 months notice but it did not help me whatsoever. I ended up terminating myself after the hospitalization as going to see him knowing he was leaving was far too painful for me. I never admitted to erotic transference but I believe I had something like that. My T was so empathetic and compassionate and everything that I was overwhelmed by it.

Looking back, I think my T was feeding off of my admiration. I don't think it was intentional though. Maybe just inexperience. Still, my T really was very intellectual and you would think he would've tried different avenues to help me out. He did not seem intent on helping me over the feelings. He just let things continue and I was spiraling downwards big time. Ended up in the hospital and on psych meds for the first time in my life at age 35.

All this to say, I returned to therapy with a random T who was more CBT oriented and to whom I had zero attachment feelings. I stayed with her for 6 months, not because she was helpful in any way but to keep myself safe from potential nice Ts who I could become attached to again. Finally I found my current T. I feel some attachment but NOTHING like with ex-T. I really suspect it was something he did that made it worse. Most likely a feeding off the admiration that kept it going. I too resent the idea that it was all me and my issues.

Hello.

I thought id pop back after 5 months from the time I had written my experience. I wasnt sure if I should, and I didnt want others who are just starting to go through what I have to think that it can take this long or longer to get over this, I think its a individual thing.

Iv not been right since my therapy ended, and still am not. Iv been through a few types of medications for depression, in which my dosages have got taken up over and over again. Iv had very negative effects from medication such as poor sleep, shaking, jolting in my sleep, detachment, dizzy, deep feelings of displacement, emotionless, to deep depression. Iv struggled to gain any interest in life, and hobbies, although im trying to fill my day to keep my mind occupied.

I still to this day think of my therapist, and no matter how I I try to reason with it all, and make sense of it, my intercultural understanding of it all makes zero difference to my emotional feelings towards her. I can only explain it as being hypnotised into having feelings towards someone whom I dont know what so ever, and will never know or may even see again. I still think this connection I have is so real I will meet her again, and things will sort themselves out if they where meant to be, even although I know its not! real, and will never happen.

So sorry to come back with such bad outcome so far, but what has happen to me isnt going away, and cant help but feel it will remain with me to the day I die. I still get tears in my eyes when I think of her, but hold it in. I still feel lost, and need her. Im in therapy now with somone else to help me deal with these things, but nothing is going to shift this.

Thanks.

Wow sounds rough, sorry to hear that. For me it's 2 yrs of those sorts of feelings. I also expect it will be with me for rest of my life. I tried finding a therapist, gave up. Most were unable to even acknowledge that what I had been thru was devastating, and many said invalidating or just plain stupid things. I also couldn't stomach the thought of paying one therapist to help me with through the damage from a prior one. Whole thing is perverse and unethical. Best of luck.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I don't know if it's of any comfort but 5 months is actually very little time for these things even to start to heal. It took me 6 months after the rupture and the ending of the relationship just to finish my board complaint. I couldn't write more than a paragraph at once because it'd trigger all the memories and bring all the pain back. I had to take this process in small dosages. I'd write a paragraph one day and had to take a break for the next several days to process what the writing brought to the surface. I also had to go through my email correspondence with my ex-"therapist" and through his phone messages because I had to transcribe them and attach them to the complaint as evidence. That wasn't fun at all..Very triggering..

Also, just like BudFox, I wasn't lucky with subsequent therapists, except for one therapist who saw me together with the T who abused me. She was very supportive of me, she told him how it was: what he did to me and what this type of behavior is called. It felt very validating and it was the only therapeutic experience I had with subsequent therapists..Actually, not quite. I also saw some old guy just one time, who mostly shifted my focus to making a decision on what I wanted to do with that relationship. He called my Ts behavior highly inappropriate, which was not as strong a condemnation as from the female T, but it was still validating. But, mostly, the message I got from him was "it's up to you what you want to do with it", which to me was very empowering and liberating. Also, there was another female T I saw shortly who also validated the fact that I was victimized. She said directly that she felt very strongly about my ex-Ts behavior in terms of how unethical it was.

So, I had a few subsequent therapy experiences that felt therapeutic, but they were very brief and the other Ts I interviewed were utterly incapable of understanding what happened to me, or they just felt very uncomfortable talking about it. So, I kind of shut down, but a few good interactions with Ts who were able to understand allowed me not to give up on the profession completely. They give me a glimpse of hope.

It's been 5 years since that relationship ended and about 2.5 years since the board issued their judgment and the settlement was reached. I definitely feel much better than 5 years ago, but the scars that harmful therapy left on me are permanent. Right now, it's not that particular experience that bothers me so much and brings the pain from time to time. It's that it brought to the surface many other life long issues I've struggled with my entire life and it's making me re-evaluate my major life choices..Which is good, because, I believe, this is what life is about - constant change, constant growth..So, in that sense I have moved on. This therapy thing is only one of the things I have the need to process right now, but there are many others, bigger and deeper..

Anyway, I feel that I am where I need to be right now. I wish you best of luck with your healing process. Things do get better but it happens very slowly. Just be patient.

I was still in a lot of pain after 5 months too. I hope your therapist understands just how much of a trauma this has been for you. When my current T called my experience a trauma, things started to make sense to me. There is no quick solution to this very innate feeling of abandonment which you are experiencing. For me it took about 15 months before I experienced a change in how I felt about him. Wishing you healing

I went through this almost exactly the same in 2010. I did not know what I was going through - it was so intense I thought I would not survive it. I was then helped by people explaining Adult Attachment disorder. I soon came to realise I had attached to my therapist like a small child attaches to the attachment parent figure and it was incredibly tangled up for me. I felt deep love for her some of it sensual in a small child sort of way. I was almost destroyed by the enormity of grief and pain after I had my last NHS session with her. I find most therapists don't understand the agony of attachment disorder/developmental disorder and seem to want to label us as depressed of borderline personality disorder.

My therapist demonstrated little or no understanding of attachment or developmental trauma as a central part of what was happening, even in the aftermath when I began talking about specifically about attachment-abandonment. She did not label me with diagnoses, but she did pathologize me in many more subtle ways. Instead of recognizing what was happening and seeing my extreme behavior as a direct result of what she provoked, she pushed me away and made it about my failure to understand, my lack of "skills", my refusal to submit to her authority. Partly it was cowardice too, not wanting to face what she had done. It's incredible that a mental health professional would seemingly lack such basic knowledge and awareness.

Another one here who feels harmed by therapy (Check out my thread here if you're interested http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...n-harmful.html )

I just wanted to warn you that just because a therapist is psycho-dynamic, doesn't mean they are willing or competent at dealing with transference and attachment. I saw my previous T (psycho-dynamic) for a long time and tried to bring up my attachment to her but it was swept under the carpet. Like you, I had a massive reaction of grief when we said goodbye which I feel was worsened by the fact I was and had been trying to manage all of these difficult feelings alone. My attachment to T felt very child-like and saying goodbye felt like it was just the latest but by far the worst example of a long standing pattern of attachments I'd made only to be abandoned, discarded, rejected. In other words, it was re-traumatizing.

Having had several therapists, none of which were prepared/trained? to deal with attachment and transference, my advice would be to tell them straight up at the first meeting about your tendency to become attached and gauge their reaction carefully. That's what I plan to do with my next T before deciding if they are the right person for the job.

I'm still grieving months after leaving T too and it makes me doubt therapy as a treatment for attachment issues because you may form an attachment to a T (or if it's group therapy, the other members) only for it to be taken away prematurely and completely. You can never see or speak with them again which only compares to a death or a nasty break up.