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#41
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But clearly he CAN help himself because he won't have a physical relationship with me. He's bad at therapy with me. It's just the way that he LOOKS at me and tells me that I fill him with desire and that he'd absolutely have wild passionate sex with me if it weren't against the rules that keeps me going back. I want to hear it over and over and over again. It makes me feel desirable and I have always felt undesirable. Even though my husband loves me and tells me I'm beautiful and sexy, I have an intense need to hear it from THIS MAN. THAT'S what I'm handing over all of my money and sanity for. |
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
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#42
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For him to actually have physical relations with you would really cross a line. And it sounds like it's pretty much always damaging to clients, no matter how much the client think they would want it. Spend some more time talking with T2 and do your best to avoid seeing T1. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Because you just sound tortured right now... |
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#43
Ramona, you have a need to hit bottom. Nobody is going to stop you from going there. If i remember correctly, you are replaying your relationship with your father. You really want your father to see you as good, as special. Thats why t1 is so compelling. As skies said earlier, its not about sex per se. Its that WANTING to change their mind, to change how the story comes out, to change the ending, to make it come out right - thats what keeps us stuck. Usually we get stuck having bad relationships, getting involved with the same type of guy over and over. But getting stuck with a t shortens and quickens the loop, more money faster.
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#44
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chihirochild, junkDNA, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#45
Hitting bottom can be a good thing. I was in my mothers attic and was like, if i ever get out of here, let me remember THIS.
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precaryous
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#46
Seeing him Friday.
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unaluna
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#47
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Does he actually still reinforce it verbally? I'm not actually sure there is necessarily a "bottom" with this. You can keep seeing him for many more years this way, spending all the money, time and mental energy. I don't know... but after a while I imagine it might not have the same effect on you except more frustration with the limitations and feeling trapped. |
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LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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#48
Ramona, you don't want to hit bottom. You might not get back up. I see you wanting to test your therapists limits as well as your own. I sincerely wish you could break away from this man. He is causing you pain and torment. Think about how much worse that would be if sex actually occurred.
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LonesomeTonight, lucozader, RainyDay107, unaluna
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#49
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Now I'm going for two reasons: 1. The way he looks at me when I talk about my sexual fantasies with him, and 2. To express my anger at him for ****ing up my head so badly. Seeing T2 tonight. |
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LonesomeTonight, precaryous, unaluna
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#50
Well, regardless, I meant that I wish you could realize that having sex with him will not make anything better. It's not going to be a magic.cure. whether or not he wants you, I think it's important to explore this within yourself or maybe even with your other, ethical therapist...because this type of pattern is one that will likely emerge in your life repeatedly
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LonesomeTonight, precaryous, RainyDay107, unaluna
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#51
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Now I'm afraid I shouldn't even trust T2 because wtf am I doing trusting another therapist again? I clearly have no good sense of when I'm in danger or how to protect myself. I've told T2 I need to talk about this tonight and that I'm now freaked out by him as well. |
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LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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junkDNA, precaryous
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#52
Saw T2 tonight. He knows T1 professionally and says he honestly has no idea what the ****ing guy is doing but he doesn't like it. He said "no way are you going to that appointment on Friday. You're not going."
I know it may sound infantalizing, but I think part of me is stuck in such a childlike state that it was an enormous relief for someone to tell me what to do. I told him "but...I could go and express my anger towards him and work through that." He said "Not on Friday. Not this Friday." I told him I had already made the appointment and it's too late to cancel because I still have to pay, and then offered to knock the missed appointment fee off of his own fee just to not see me go because he said it would be unkind of him to let me go see this person who's torturing me. He said "Friday is a no." I really needed someone to speak to the child in me. I am currently too disorganized and off balance to help her. I needed someone else who I respect to tell me "No." He says T1 is just a fantasy of someone in my life I never got to meet, which is very sad. But no on Friday. I think I'm not even going to let T1 know. I think I'm going to just not show up and put a check for the missed appointment fee in the mail. |
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LonesomeTonight, RainyDay107, unaluna
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Erebos, LifeForce, lucozader, RainyDay107
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Poohbah
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#53
Thank goodness someone heard you. I am so relieved, u managed to keep this T for now. He at least seems to know how out of hand things are.
I like he offered to knock the cancellation fee off his own fee. It shows genuine concern for your well being. I also think it makes utter sense that you need someone to say no. You want someone to make you feel worthwhile, this T is saying, you are important, your worth protecting. I am just so very glad you are able to talk to at least one person with your interests at heart. Take care Ro, please follow this T's advice. Stay home on Friday. __________________ I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.CoCo Chanel. |
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LonesomeTonight, ramonajones, unaluna
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#54
Waking up this morning I can already feel my child self fighting because she wants to go tomorrow. I am not going to go but it will definitely be a battle. I'm trying to comfort myself by imagining how surprised T1 will be when I don't show up. I have never ever missed a single appointment in 3.5 years. It may be immature but honestly I hope the thought crosses his mind that I may have actually gone ahead and blown my brains out over this nightmare as I've told him I've been considering many times.
I'm just literally thinking--I KNOW I could get a crumb of affection from him tomorrow--I just know it. I could get my crumb! It's been 9 days since I've seen him. I want a crumb BAD. Last edited by ramonajones; Mar 09, 2017 at 09:06 AM.. |
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LonesomeTonight, lucozader, precaryous
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#55
You can do it, Ramona! You are strong!
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LonesomeTonight
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#56
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Please make a good decision for yourself today, Ramona. Last edited by precaryous; Mar 09, 2017 at 06:17 PM.. |
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junkDNA, LonesomeTonight, ramonajones, unaluna
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Always in This Twilight
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#57
I agree, stay strong and don't go. When do you see T2 again? And does he allow out of session contact? Just thinking if you're having second thoughts tomorrow, you could contact T2, and he could help convince you to stay away. Hugs...
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lucozader, ramonajones
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#58
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Luckily(?) my babysitter is sick and can't come tomorrow so that means I really can't go. I've had a LOT of suicidal thoughts today. I drove around for an hour crying and listening to Adele. It's not great. I feel like I'm going to have to tell my husband what's happened pretty soon because I can't stand being around him and lying anymore. I think about suicide A LOT. I'm afraid this may be the beginning of the end of my marriage. |
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LonesomeTonight
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LonesomeTonight
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#59
Just wrote out the check for the missed appointment fee for tomorrow and put it in the mailbox on the corner. He won't get it until Monday at least. Hopefully he'll think I'm dead.
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LonesomeTonight, precaryous, unaluna
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#60
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