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Location: Boston, MA
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#1
Hey everybody. Needed to check in with you again.
Here's my backstory if you don't know it already and are interested: https://forums.psychcentral.com/roma...k-you-all.html My situation has not improved. I have been sharing my sexual fantasies with my therapist and now I think I'm more hooked than ever. I told my second therapist about the situation and he talked to my first therapist about it and agrees that the situation is not healthy and that T1's behavior is not good. I've written T1 multiple letters now expressing my anger towards him about saying that we could "be together mentally, emotionally and spiritually" and how he read me love poems and held my hands when I told him how my body got set off the first time he brushed my hand. I continue to share my sexual fantasies about him in sessions. He says that this is appropriate because therapy is a place where people go to talk about their sexual fantasies. I confronted him about how he keeps telling me that he's not really "rejecting" me because he would be together with me sexually if he could, it's just against the boundaries of psychotherapy. I asked him to please just have the decency to not tell me that it's not a rejection. He finally said "OK, I'm rejecting you." It was humiliating, but I continue to go back and tell him more fantasies because it has made me more sexual in the rest of my life and I'm having much better sex with my husband now, but I know that the situation is a mess. A couple weeks ago I was suicidal over the situation and told him how hard it was that I had no one else to talk about it with except him. He suggested I tell my second therapist and some trusted friends and even my husband. This made me think there really must be nothing he's done wrong or else he wouldn't be encouraging me to tell people. I did tell three friends all of whom say I need to leave immediately and that I am in an addiction cycle with him and that he could lose his license just over what's happened already. I am SO confused. Why would he be telling me to tell people about this if it's something that could lose him his license? I told him on Tuesday that three friends have now told me they're concerned I'm in an addiction cycle with him. His response was "Are you saying you think all addictions are bad?" And I said "Yes, addictions are not a good thing," to which he responded "You can be addicted to being kind, and that's not bad." I also asked him once again to please explain to me what he meant when he said that we could be together "mentally, emotionally and spiritually." I asked him what he was thinking and how I can do that with him--like does that mean just thinking about him or trying to connect with him on some higher level spiritually? He just stared at me blankly and finally said "I can't tell you how to live your life." I know that I have to leave but I'm SO afraid. He's turned on positive sexual feelings in me that I've never had in my whole life and I don't want to lose him, and I'm also terrified by the idea of never seeing him again. I live for the the next session in the hopes of getting some crumb from him, like a couple sessions back when I told him my sexual fantasy and he said that it "of course sounded very appealing." I didn't get a crumb on Tuesday and now I'm dying--flooded with compulsive sexual thoughts about him and having to take care of them on my own by m---ing because my husband is ill and can't have sex right now. It's really hard. I know I need to leave but also can't bring myself to do it because I don't want accept that I'll never see him again. There were so many times before I told him about my sexual attraction that he was so kind and supportive of me. Even right after I told him things were still OK. But when I started sharing my fantasies and he said that he desired me too, everything started to go down the tubes. I'm in a really hard place and not sure how I'll let go of him. Last edited by ramonajones; Mar 02, 2017 at 04:38 PM.. |
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Most Dangerous
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#2
Oh Ramona
I'm pretty new around here but I've read all of your posts. It's good to see an update from you, but it's really not good to hear that things aren't getting any better. I really feel for you. I know my input here is a bit of a drop in the ocean - you already know you need to break it off with him, and you say that your therapist and your friends agree. Given that my opinion is probably worth a lot less than theirs, it seems rather pointless to say it, but... You need to get away from him. I feel so worried for you. |
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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#3
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The thing I TRULY don't understand is if it's so clear that he's done something wrong, why has he been encouraging me to tell other people about the situation? That's the part that really doesn't make sense and makes me think that I'm the one that's misinterpreted or mischaracterized the situation. |
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AmandaBroken, LonesomeTonight
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AmandaBroken
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#4
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, LonesomeTonight, ramonajones
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Comfy Sedation
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#5
Quote:
get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him get away from him ad infinitum. __________________ |
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AmandaBroken, Anonymous52323
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AmandaBroken, captgut, chihirochild, growlycat, hopealwayz, iheartjacques, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, rainbow8, ramonajones
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Veteran Member
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#6
Honestly, when I started telling my three friends about it, I presented it to each of them by saying that I'd been rejected by someone I desperately wanted to be with and thought that they were going to offer me support about being rejected. I really didn't think they'd all tell me I was a victim of therapy abuse. I REALLY don't want this to have happened to me. I don't WANT to be a victim of therapy abuse. I don't know how to handle taking on that label in addition to everything else I've been through in my life. I guess that's the real reason I'm so reluctant to admit this happened. He was kind to me and totally appropriate with me for years, even for the first few months after I brought up the transference I felt like things were OK. I don't know how it all fell apart so miserably and I feel desperate to find a way to make it all OK.
Last edited by ramonajones; Mar 02, 2017 at 06:09 PM.. |
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#7
Therapy IS a place to talk about your fantasies. But i dont think theyve established that a t is like a bartender who is obligated to cut you off if you overindulge. I think thats on you. They give you the space in which to change.
It sounds like you are starting to think of yourself as a professional victim. First as a victim of your job situation a few years ago, now as a victim of your t. You are burning daylight. Ya know, the sexual feelings are just natures way of preserving the species. One more try before you hit menopause. A lot of us have gone thru it. Do you really want to live your life ruled by that? |
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, Favorite Jeans, Yellowbuggy
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#8
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One more try of what before I hit menopause??? |
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AmandaBroken, blackocean
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#9
I might interpret it wrong but I believe unaluna is just trying to motivate you to think for yourself, not view yourself as a passive sufferer of others' wrongdoings, and get out of a situation that's no longer serving you constructively. You have been in this same place for quite long now.
Maybe the T is telling you to talk with others because he knows he won't do anything to change the situation. Not sure, but even such a statement sounds like denying his own responsibility in it. And the things he tells you are... disturbing, at least. That suggestion about "addictions" sounds like gaslighting to me. He wants you to be addicted to being kind to him?! What the....?! Yes, please get away, ramona. Yes sexual feelings can be very pleasant and tempting, but it does not sound like this is a good trigger if you feel enslaved and not liberated. |
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, LonesomeTonight, ramonajones
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#10
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AmandaBroken, Anonymous37926, Anonymous55498, LonesomeTonight
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AmandaBroken
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#11
Yes, yes, yes!
You're only being a victim by letting this continue. If you can kick the addiction and get out of this, you won't have 'another label', you'll be a strong and capable person who managed to do something very difficult in the name of looking after herself. |
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, ramonajones
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#12
Unfortunately, addictions tend to become harder and harder to get out of the longer we stay in them. If you can find a way to resolve it now, most likely won't regret it later. Maybe try to find some kind of local peer support group rather than just another therapist and your family/friends, if you think it helps pull you out of it.
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#13
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Is there another way you can react, something else you can say or do? |
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AmandaBroken
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#14
Actually, being 'addicted to' kindness can have a really bad fate. A person could give away all their money and belongings and be destitute. That old saying "too much of a good thing...." is wise.
Quote:
But the line from the quote above really creeped me out the first time you posted it here. It still creeps me out. That combined with his telling you he wants to be with you but can't be. As a side note, clinical people who become directors of centers or programs etc seem to be those who can't work with patients due to patient harm or liability- incompetency, malpractice, ethics, etc. None of us could possibly know if this is the case with your therapist, but I'd consider it when trying to make a decision. I don't know what else to say, except keep talking with your therapist about it. Interesting he says what your therapist is doing is wrong. Could you record a session and play it for your therapist? Other than that, the thoughts that popped into my mind are about his possibly indulging you then shutting you off--that throws you off balance and promotes addictive behavior. It could be a coincidence or only your reaction, but it is something that could also be done intentionally and easily. Wish I could be more helpful. Sorry you are struggling so much. |
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, ramonajones
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Always in This Twilight
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#15
Hugs...I get the sense that your T feels he is almost above the rules of ethics, which is why he's OK with you telling friends and T2 about it. He's deluded himself into thinking he's doing nothing wrong. Or, worse, he knows he's doing something wrong, but doesn't care and doesn't think he'll get caught because he hasn't physically crossed a line, even though he has emotionally.
The line about how some addictions can be good is disturbing to me, too...because it sounds like he's talking about your addiction to him. I know it's painful, but I really think you need to walk away. You're still seeing T2, right? (I know you were concerned about being able to afford to keep seeing him.) Talk to him more. Take a few weeks off from T1, which I know will be painful, but you need to step away to get out from under the spell. Talk to T2, talk to your friends, talk on here. Maybe talk to that group, TELL, that's mentioned in the pinned postings on this subforum, just to get their perspective. It just seems that, even though he hasn't crossed any physical/sexual boundaries, your T has definitely crossed some emotional ones. And it's having a negative effect on you... |
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AmandaBroken
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#16
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Magnate
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#17
Quote:
It sounds like there is an emotional love affair going on here along with abuse of power. Have you done any research into "signs of emotional abuse from a therapist?" Does any of it ring true for you? Getting out of an extremely unhealthy relationship like this very difficult and can be a long process. I understand how hard it is to leave. Remind yourself often that what this t is doing is wrong, wrong, wrong. Accept it as truth. And keep getting validation from the other t that this is wrong. Keep arming yourself with solid, non-judgmental support and knowledge (emotional abuse, manipulation tactics, unethical t behavior, etc) and it will build your power. |
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AmandaBroken
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AmandaBroken, chihirochild, LifeForce, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, ramonajones
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#18
Quote:
I don't know what the f--- happened! |
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AmandaBroken, LonesomeTonight
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AmandaBroken
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#19
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I emailed him today to let him know how confusing and weird the addiction comments were to me and that I was in a lot of pain and that this was nothing at all like "an addiction to being kind" and he wrote back this weird message that said "I understand that you are feeling in pain" and then said if it felt like too much to bear to just make another appointment with him or the other therapist. I know this isn't right but sometimes I fall into this trance-like state where I can't reason with myself. I want to send him WILD messages about graphic sexual things that I'd be willing to do with him if he'd only give me the chance and the privilege to pleasure him. It's a real mess. My friend wrote to me that his response proved that he's probably pissed that I cut back to once a week with him because it affects him financially. That woke me up a little bit. I have been broke for YEARS going to him twice a week but haven't been able to cut back because I'm so obsessed. Thanks to all who are listening and responding without judgment. I've been through some very weird things in my life, and I think this might be the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. |
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AllHeart, AmandaBroken
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#20
I took a month off from him in January. I felt much much MUCH better overall. Much happier. But I also had zero sexual desire. I didn't want my husband to touch me. It's a pretty messed up situation.
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