Grooming process and "pink" flags

I'm so sorry he's acting this way. This suggests to me that he knows he did something wrong and is trying to cover for it. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Girl from Europe.
Sad it happened like this. It reminds me my t very much (we had romantic relationships) that his wife is jealous. My t left me blaming me that his wife read my texts and wants to divorce now because he cheated on her. Its not my fault that he cheated and that she read my texts but its easy to blame anyone else.

What did you wrote to him to make his wife jealous? Its not a reason to end therapy.
Why the hell his wife reads your texts??? Even if he cheated his wife with you he cant blame you for anything.

Dont believe in s*** he says now because he is mad and tries to hurt you by saying this.
He is not ok, he needs therapy for himself.
He has conflict with his wife and he puts his anger in you and acting really really bad to you.

Hi Lunatic Soul, thank You for Your answer. I also think, that whatever has happened between You and Your T,, or between me and mine (even if it was "only" flirting and seducing with words or gestures, etc.), it's not our fault. But it's really difficult to not feel guilty now, when the person I trusted is blaming me, as if I was the reason of his maritial issues... I thought he is there to support me, he was the one encouraging me to not feel guilty for everything, to express my emotions, and suddenly he is freaking out and acting as if I was some kind of evil person wanting to seduce his poor soul.

As for the messages, I wrote him some thoughts about mine and our situation. As consequence of a session about my very intimate things between me and my husband (I said I feel frustrated not receiving love and attention from him and sometimes I'm afraid I could cheat on him), he became very seductive and flirtatious at the end of the meeting as I described before. Suddenly one week after I saw him irritated and distant, so I blamed myself of course that I did something wrong and asked him in my message maybe I should have not speak to him about things I did and if he is ok with that. He respondend that he is ok and that he is sending greetings to my cat and his fleas... (usual, stupid jokes we were making). I responded thank You, even though I know you can't tell the honest truth because of the therapy boundries. One day later I felt really bad, I had a flu with the fever and was coughing a lot, that is also my psychosomatic issue we were working about, that I feel I cannot breath (I suffer from severe acid reflux) and I wrote also that I feel like I am trapped in every single part of my life, including our therapy and don't know how to proceed with all of the unclear stuff I am confronting. I used an example of the book I wrote diploma about, I meant I am trapped as a book's hero which was a girl - florist that changed her life but wasn't really ready to all of the changes. He responded that even a florist has a right to the happiness and breath and asked me to think what makes me suffocate so much that my body is reacting with different symptoms (usually he was implying that it is my husband). I wrote that the thing that is making me feel choking is that I cannot be really free to be myself, which is being in love with the freedom (but in my lanugage it could also be understood as I would like to be free to be in love with someone in liberty - the meaning was I am in love with the fact I could be myself, and I am choking because I cannot - and I also explained it in the other message - I wrote "I meant in love with being free, because I don't know if it was clear)). Then we were writing about some chrisitan event I would like to go but It knew he will be there, so I said maybe I won't, and he wrote that for him it isn't problem, but I joked that I couldn't even say about my therapist to others or even give him a piece of cake, so maybe better no, and then we wrote some other stuff and greetings, etc.
I know it could seem like I was seductive now, whan I Read all of the stupid things I wrote, but I think I was really confused because of his flirty jokes and behaviours and wanted to go clear in some way, and also I was feeling really, really bad these days and had a fever. Normally, I think I would wait for our session.

Aś You already know, one week later he started to accuse me and attack me by saying what was I thinking and that his wife saw everything, and the rest You know... His wife was jealous and told him to leave me.

P.s. It was the first time I wrote so many things, for example when he was on a vacarion we didn't speak for three months between rare sessions and I wasnt searhcing for him. It's that I was really confused of all of the situation.

Im sorry it happens to you. This cant be your fault, naybe he is lying about his wife. If its true why is she jealous to clients? It seems she cant trust him. Its not your problems anymore, its their problems.

What are you planing to do?

Thank You. In fact, I was suspecting that this isn't true also, and that is only his way to finish it without consequences, by blaming me and his wife instead of admitting his own behavior and errors. However, if it's true, then he's wife had a reason not to trust him and I know why - because he was being seductive.. Maybe not only with me.

We've met yesterday. He started form excuses about "everything", about his "behavior", about how he takes the whole responsibility, etc. The problem is, he didn't admit explicitly what his behavior wasn't correct - even last time, when we argued, he said he takes the responsibility, but then he neglected everything, so I have doubts now about what is he really meaning.

He said he is sorry for how we were humiliating and accusing one another and looked in a place where we were standing when he said he has never crossed boundaries on purpose and neglected he liked me, so maybe that was his way of admitting it, I don't know. I sad I was also thinking about finishing out therapy, he asked why and I said "Because of similar reasons, but from your side", and I changed topic and he didn't comment...

Now he wants to meet three other times and I don't know what to do.

I don't know if there is any sense of meeting without talking openly about his behaviors and feelings that brought us to this point IMO. I don't know if I will be able to speak about it fearing he will neglect everything and humiliate me again.

I am not feeling very well also physically in this period and have a lot of doubts about meeting him again.

Seems like he wants to scratch our wounds we made to each other again and again, but what's the point about it if we are still going to end everything and nothing will be like it was before, never again. He said he wants me to leave without suffering and without feeling so bad, I said I don't know if it's gonna happen. I'm already hurt so much... He said he wants me to send him to hell and live my life. I said I've already send him to hell.

Oh gosh, this sounds so painful and confusing. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, regardless of what you have said in person or via texts. His behaviour sounds really odd, and what he said to you regarding terminating therapy, was really cruel. He is blatantly lying and trying to cover is cowardly a--rse. If he was a decent therapist, he would not mention his wife's jealousy, or tell you that he was attracted to other clients but not you, he might explain that you would be better off seeing someone else and try to make a referral to another therapist. Therapists do make mistakes but the good ones should always have the best interests of the clients at heart. Sounds like he cares more about himself than you.

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear but you deserve better. Are there any other therapists you could see in your community? Or could you possible travel out a little further to find one?

Only go back and see him if you think it would help. I would really recommend you record the session too... in case you need it later.

Good luck and sending you hugs, let us know how it goes. xx

I would like to say first of all, that You guys are really helping me A LOT to pass this difficult time in my life. Maybe for You it's just a message, but I am feeling so lonely now with this crappy situation, I am waking up at night at blaming myself - so it really helps there are some persons that find even one or two words to lift me up. Thank You so much.

TeaVicar, thank You for Your comment.

At the moment I tried contacting different therapists online and two in person, but couldn't find a common language with them. One of them, ultra-catholic one, just made me feel like she thinks maybe I am exaggerating, or having a pleasure from this situation, she said she "usually don't take sides in conflicts", and I felt really bad afterwards. I felt like she was defending him from some sense of sick solidarity between therapists.

The worst thing of all for now is, that I see how dependent I became of him. He was really "getting" me, You know, both as a therapist but unfortunately also as a man - because of the flirtatious area I felt like there is something that will happen sooner or later, I knew it would bring us to bed one day (oh gosh I know how it sounds, but it was a part of a problem...). I know I shouldn't have even think about it, but his seductiveness became like some sort of drug that was killing my pain in my marriage, especially because he was always emphasizing the fact that I was unfulfilled in my marriage, the fact that a woman in bed deserves a real pleasure - of course we were only talking, but You can immagine how much I was craving for it afterwards.

That's also why it is so difficult now to say goodbye. We have still three meetings left and although I know now, how bad person he is, I know I don't trust him, I know he has done so many things wrong and he's been extremely cruel to me two weeks ago - and still I wish to see him. I am so stupid, I know. Maybe it is all my fault, after all.

It will be difficult to say goodbye, for sure. That doesn't mean that you're stupid or that it's your fault. As you know from being on here, developing loving feelings for your therapist is a really common occurrence... and why wouldn't it be? The environment is perfect for fostering those feelings. Unfortunately your therapist, for whatever reason, was not able to respond to your feelings in an appropriate way... most likely through lack of training and or lack of successful personal therapy. The failure is 100% down to him. If you want to see him again, go ahead, just make sure you're looking after yourself.

Try to be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot right now. xx

Thank You.
The truth is I would never be suffering so much of his loss, if it wouldn't be for his flirting, his seductiveness, his making me feel so special by creating erotic atmosphere.

And the worst part is, that I feel anything can happen if I go see him again...

I have had argument with him via sms, because he wants me to do the 3 final sessions ASAP, and I am feeling really bad now and feel need to get help both for my disease and for my metal state, so I wrote I need time, and he was acting like he can't understand and wrote with anger something like "I dont get what do You want, want to meet or no". I got angry, too, and I wrote that he is making me decide to fast because he wants just to quit and get over with it and it isn't ok that he is not trying to understand how I feel, etc, and he didn't respond me anymore. Tomorrow we should have sessions, and I didn't even let him know if I will come. I feel so low today, my father left when I was a teenager and I feel exactly the same kind of emotions, lost, betrayed, treated like ****, guilty, sad, everything the same...

And then there is my husband that also is angry at me and told me today, that none of this would happen if I put pur relationship in a first place. It was SO painful to here that he is also blaming me. I feel destroyed really, and feel like no one understands me except You guys...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that you are getting all this cr--ap put on you from these 2 men. The cr--ap that they're trying to load onto you, is really their own cr--ap, which they are unable to handle. I would be very tempted to ditch the therapist at this point, as I can't see what benefit it would be to you, to see him again. He doesn't sound as though he's interested in what is best for you. Did you manage to find another one?

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. While it might be convenient for your husband to blame you for your relationship problems, he really needs to look at his own short comings... The way in which he expresses his anger being one of them. It's never one person. xx

Hi,

thank You so much for Your response. I spoke with him today on a phone, and he said that of corse he will wait for me to feel better. I really don't get it, once he is pushing me and getting angry, another day he is all open and available to understand me. When he was greeting me un the end I felt again like his voice has become seductive, but maybe I am already having some paranoia. I feel like he doesn't know what does he want either. Right now I should be going to meet him and I automatically took the way for his studio. I sropped and now I feel like frozen, knowing that I can't go to him as always, and that I can't speak with anyone, and that no one is waiting for me, too at home with love anc compassion. Why am I even living anymore. I am crying in front of all these people in the commercial center. And no one is understanding my suffer, every one says I should already stop feeling so bad. I Just cannot decide not to meet him anymore. Why did I have to meet him at all.

Ok, just wanted to add, that the time passed and I can't stop seeing him... I've got a feeling he is also suffering from loosing our relationship as he said it is very difficult for him to finish it either... There are other details and words that we said in these month also, but I don't want to get in too many details, as I did before... We planned on 4 meeting to end, but yesterday he said we could do more... I don't know if his wife suddenly isn't jealous anymore, or what... I just wanted to say I like him a lot and I would never report him anywhere, even if something happened between us... I don't want his family to suffer neither. It's all to crazy, his behavior is so unclear and I am too confused now to know what is right and what is wrong.

Have you considered the possibility that him ending your therapy has nothing to do with his wife or her jealousy and that he might be using it as a cover? It's a very odd thing for a therapist to say or use as an excuse for ending therapy. Sounds like it's more about him and his conflicted feelings.

I'm not surprised you're confused, he keeps changing his mind and is keeping you hanging, hopeful for a relationship with him. Do you really want a relationship with this guy? Do you think it would be good for you? I wish you luck and strength with this.

I don't think I would like to be in a long-lasting relationship with him, it's more a desire he created in me that I can not forget, especially because i feel so empty and lonely in my private life.

I thought about what You said it could be a lie about his wife, in faxt I told him when we met in December, that I find it strange since I believe he is a man that decide about himself so I can't believe his wife did ask him to finish, and he didn't respond but I saw him shocked, so I think I was right... He became very nice to me and excusing and flirtatious again, but in less obvious way. But there are still sparkles between us, even more then before I would say...

So, he keeps playing his games, like for example I posted on social media on Christmas seaside where I spent the whole day alone and wrote "I love the presence of the Sea. Sea is non judging you, not asking questions, one can tell it everything... The beautiful day with the seaside." and my selfie with me looking at the sea. The next day... I saw he changed his profile foto (that was being the same from at least two years!) and he puted himself... sittng on the seaside and watching sea, like I did on mine. And in background foto he puted... also the sea. Of course, if I ask him he would tell it is a coincidence, but really knowing him I know I am not paranoic...

Or am I? Why doing such a thing if he was to stay clear? It's really confusing because I see him struggling also... I Just would like him to decide what does he wants and proceed with it... I think I will be my last post, at least if nothing changes, so I just would like to thank You all and excuse me, because I cannot enter in the victim role... I think we were both humans and wharever happens, I won't forget him. It's never black and white...

From what you say, it sounds like this man is manipulating and deceiving you. It is not wrong for you to have the desires that you do, and none of this is your fault.

However, it seems to me very clear that this relationship is causing you a lot of pain and confusion. That is not therapy. If you want to see this man, that's your choice, but if you want therapy you should consider getting it from someone else.

We've already decided we have to finish, as You see from my previous posts.

I understand the emptiness and loneliness, I think it's much harder to detach when you don't have a solid, supportive relationship at home with your partner. It's good that you are aware of your therapist's inconsistencies and weaknesses. You are a strong person and you will get through this. You are your best ally right now. Please do post updates, if you want to.