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Default Aug 26, 2018 at 10:55 PM
  #1
I'm wondering if anyone who has been a victim of therapist abuse or is familiar with it can share some more subtle signs that the grooming process has begun. There are red flags, like overtly sexualizing the patient, but before the flags become red there are cues that something is wrong. Usually they go ignored because they don't even consciously register as an issue. What does this look like? When and how do/did you recognize that something was wrong and continue the therapy anyway? Like, when did you start feeling uncomfortable but brush it off because the flag wasn't red enough?
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 12:25 AM
  #2
I think, people, who can best answer your questions, are the ones who were sexually abused by their therapists.

My abuse was not sexual. It could be best described as emotional seduction, which turns a relationship into a somewhat sexualized "friendship" when intense emotions and mutual sharing are involved and yet it doesn't cross the line of the physical boundary, which allows people to keep pretending that nothing wrong is happening. With this type of abuse I wouldn't say there was a "grooming", not in my experience. To me it was like the therapist simply wasn't aware of his professional role and what it entailed and allowed himself a lot of inappropriate behaviors while still believing he was doing "therapy". And I was too vulnerable and too confused for a long time to understand what was taking place for what it was. For me, like for many other victims, whether they were abused sexually or in other ways, what was happening seemed like something very "special" and, as ridiculous as it may sound, "healing". When you are vulnerable, as clients are, especially those who had a traumatic history, and when you are strongly attached to and dependent on your therapist, you are not in a position to exercise a good judgment. So, people can't really just "stop" seeing an abusive therapist even when they know that he or she goes outside of the lines of the professional conduct. They are way too dependent just to cut the connection and, just like people in all abusive relationships, they stay in denial of what is really happening for a very long time. They keep excusing, rationalizing and justifying the therapist's behavior until they hit rock bottom.

Anyway, that's just my experience..There is a whole variety out there. There are no two identical stories..Each one is unique and yet through most of them you can observe some common themes..

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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 12:29 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
I think, people, who can best answer your questions, are the ones who were sexually abused by their therapists.

My abuse was not sexual. It could be best described as emotional seduction, which turns a relationship into a somewhat sexualized "friendship" when intense emotions and mutual sharing are involved and yet it doesn't cross the line of the physical boundary, which allows people to keep pretending that nothing wrong is happening. With this type of abuse I wouldn't say there was a "grooming", not in my experience. To me it was like the therapist simply wasn't aware of his professional role and what it entailed and allowed himself a lot of inappropriate behaviors while still believing he was doing "therapy". And I was too vulnerable and too confused for a long time to understand what was taking place for what it was. For me, like for many other victims, whether they were abused sexually or in other ways, what was happening seemed like something very "special" and, as ridiculous as it may sound, "healing". When you are vulnerable, as clients are, especially those who had a traumatic history, and when you are strongly attached to and dependent on your therapist, you are not in a position to exercise a good judgment. So, people can't really just "stop" seeing an abusive therapist even when they know that he or she goes outside of the lines of the professional conduct. They are way too dependent just to cut the connection and, just like people in all abusive relationships, they stay in denial of what is really happening for a very long time. They keep excusing, rationalizing and justifying the therapist's behavior until they hit rock bottom.

Anyway, that's just my experience..There is a whole variety out there. There are no two identical stories..Each one is unique and yet through most of them you can observe some common themes..
Thanks, I am sorry this happened to you. Can you give examples of how the therapist made you feel special (and/or special to him as a client)?
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 12:54 AM
  #4
Oh, yes, in terms of "pink flags"..I don't think anyone can clearly pinpoint what they are. All I can say is that if you have strong feelings a.k.a "transference" for your therapist you won't be able to detect what's wrong for quite some time because some of the inappropriate things the therapist does may feel great to you. F.i, when the therapist tells you that they "love" you, that would make you happy and you'd believe that this is very "healing" and exactly what you need when, in fact, this is a clear indication that you should run away and never return.

Many things will not be obvious. They'll be subtle. In general, anything that the therapist says or does that sounds or looks personal rather than professional could be a "pink flag". I am saying "could be" because it's difficult to make a list of such "flags" without running a risk of demonizing some basic human behaviors and gestures as "unprofessional". I've seen websites that have such "lists" and I find them stupid. Many things on those lists don't mean anything in and of themselves. F.i, they suggest that scheduling a session at the late hour is a "red flag" when, in some instances, it might just be the only time available. Everything is contextual. You can't categorize anything as a "red" or "pink" or whatever "flag" unless you look at it in the context of the specific situation in which it took place.

In short, the best way to evaluate those situations is to create a distance between you and your feelings in order not to be swept by them. Listen to what your gut is telling you. If it tells you that something is not right, most likely it isn't. This doesn't mean you should immediately leave. Just be mindful of the fact that you are vulnerable in this situation and that you can't completely trust your feelings and your thought process. As much as possible , try to make a distance between your inner "observer" and your mental state. The "observer" is your awareness, the only thing you can trust which will eventually tell you what's going on if you trust it and stay connected to it.

Sorry if this answer disappoints you since there is no "flags"descriptions and no instructions on what to do but that's kind of how life is..

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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 01:10 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
Oh, yes, in terms of "pink flags"..I don't think anyone can clearly pinpoint what they are. All I can say is that if you have strong feelings a.k.a "transference" for your therapist you won't be able to detect what's wrong for quite some time because some of the inappropriate things the therapist does may feel great to you. F.i, when the therapist tells you that they "love" you, that would make you happy and you'd believe that this is very "healing" and exactly what you need when, in fact, this is a clear indication that you should run away and never return.

Many things will not be obvious. They'll be subtle. In general, anything that the therapist says or does that sounds or looks personal rather than professional could be a "pink flag". I am saying "could be" because it's difficult to make a list of such "flags" without running a risk of demonizing some basic human behaviors and gestures as "unprofessional". I've seen websites that have such "lists" and I find them stupid. Many things on those lists don't mean anything in and of themselves. F.i, they suggest that scheduling a session at the late hour is a "red flag" when, in some instances, it might just be the only time available. Everything is contextual. You can't categorize anything as a "red" or "pink" or whatever "flag" unless you look at it in the context of the specific situation in which it took place.

In short, the best way to evaluate those situations is to create a distance between you and your feelings in order not to be swept by them. Listen to what your gut is telling you. If it tells you that something is not right, most likely it isn't. This doesn't mean you should immediately leave. Just be mindful of the fact that you are vulnerable in this situation and that you can't completely trust your feelings and your thought process. As much as possible , try to make a distance between your inner "observer" and your mental state. The "observer" is your awareness, the only thing you can trust which will eventually tell you what's going on if you trust it and stay connected to it.

Sorry if this answer disappoints you since there is no "flags"descriptions and no instructions on what to do but that's kind of how life is..
Yeah, I totally know what you mean about lists. I guess maybe a better way to put it is, When you look back with your new perspective, when should you have left? When should it have become obvious that the therapist was abusing you or had intent to abuse you? Sometimes I look back on my abusive situations and I'm just like, damn, it should have been clear and would have been if you weren't the frog in the pot.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 01:12 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by blackocean View Post
Thanks, I am sorry this happened to you. Can you give examples of how the therapist made you feel special (and/or special to him as a client)?
Well, one of the things I mentioned in the previous comment (telling me that he "loved" me). This one is an absolute "red flag" to me, though many people on this forum seem to think otherwise.

There were many others. He was telling me that he was seeing "God" in me, that he thought about me all the time "in and out of sessions" and other crazy stuff like that. He initiated holding hands..There was inappropriate self-disclosure and many other things. Like I said, I don't believe it's helpful to give a "list" of all the actions that are or could be potentially problematic because all this stuff is very subtle, very individual, very unique to each individual case
. Please, understand that this is not about specific actions, about specific things that therapists do or don't do. It's about the whole attitude towards their work and a particular client. The therapist I am talking about was not the most harmful to me, believe it or not. The one who harmed me most was also the one who never crossed any boundary of the acceptable professional behavior. The one who has crossed the formal boundary was a guy with a bunch of unresolved personal problems who genuinely believed that he was helping me and who had no clue what a therapist role was. The "professional" one was truly abusive. He played sadistic mind games but there is nothing specific I can tell you about it right now that would make you see it clearly. So, abuse is not just about violating the formal code of ethics. A therapist can exploit a client's vulnerabilities without ever crossing any formal ethical boundary and you will never be able to explain to anyone how it happened because there will be no particular behavior/action that you can point to.

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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 01:21 AM
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Yeah, I totally know what you mean about lists. I guess maybe a better way to put it is, When you look back with your new perspective, when should you have left? When should it have become obvious that the therapist was abusing you or had intent to abuse you? Sometimes I look back on my abusive situations and I'm just like, damn, it should have been clear and would have been if you weren't the frog in the pot.
I look at it differently. I don't tell myself that I should have left at such and such time. I know that I left when I was ready to leave. I knew something was wrong for a long time, but I also knew that I was not strong enough to leave and so I allowed myself to hang in there for as long as I needed to get enough strength to break away. Meanwhile, I was observing myself and what was happening from a neutral place and I solicited some outside help - from other therapists and some other people. I look back at this and see it as an enormously important life lesson. I wish I didn't have to pay such a high price to learn it, but we don't get to decide how we learn things in this life. If we are forced to learn something the hard way, it means that there was really no other way to teach us..

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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 02:22 AM
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My abuse was not sexual. It could be best described as emotional seduction, which turns a relationship into a somewhat sexualized "friendship" when intense emotions and mutual sharing are involved and yet it doesn't cross the line of the physical boundary, which allows people to keep pretending that nothing wrong is happening.
this is very similar to what i experienced as well. it never became sexual or crossed inappropriate physical boundaries, but it definilty was intense with a lot of emotional sharing and 'intimate' openness between my ex-T and me that made the relationship feel very special and unique. in many ways, as it was happening, i did view it and even believed it was healing for me. i definitly felt 'emotionally seduced'.

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Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
it was like the therapist simply wasn't aware of his professional role and what it entailed and allowed himself a lot of inappropriate behaviors while still believing he was doing "therapy". And I was too vulnerable and too confused for a long time to understand what was taking place for what it was.
this is exactly what i have come to understand about my experince with my ex-T. ultimately, i believe it happened because my T was using the relationship, under the guise of therapy, to fulfill his own needs, and i don't think he really was even consciously aware of what he was doing.

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Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
They are way too dependent just to cut the connection and, just like people in all abusive relationships, they stay in denial of what is really happening for a very long time. They keep excusing, rationalizing and justifying the therapist's behavior until they hit rock bottom.
exactly. i hit rock bottom and it was at that point when the veil was finally lifted from my eyes that i fully started to come to understand and recognise what had been going on and playing out in the relationship with my ex-T. i finally could see that it was not a healthy relationship or helpful to my own well-being and healing. because i was so enmeshed and attached to my ex-T, i decided to take my time and work towards de-attaching myself from him so i could leave therapy when i felt i was strong enough and had the courage to. in the end, this probably became the most healing aspect of my six years of therapy with him...in a sense, i grew my wings and learned to leave the nest and say good bye in a healthy manner and on my own terms. for me, it was an empowering experience.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 02:39 AM
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this is very similar to what i experienced as well. it never became sexual or crossed inappropriate physical boundaries, but it definilty was intense with a lot of emotional sharing and 'intimate' openness between my ex-T and me that made the relationship feel very special and unique. in many ways, as it was happening, i did view it and even believed it was healing for me. i definitly felt 'emotionally seduced'.


this is exactly what i have come to understand about my experince with my ex-T. ultimately, i believe it happened because my T was using the relationship, under the guise of therapy, to fulfill his own needs, and i don't think he really was even consciously aware of what he was doing.


exactly. i hit rock bottom and it was at that point when the veil was finally lifted from my eyes that i fully started to come to understand and recognise what had been going on and playing out in the relationship with my ex-T. i finally could see that it was not a healthy relationship or helpful to my own well-being and healing. because i was so enmeshed and attached to my ex-T, i decided to take my time and work towards de-attaching myself from him so i could leave therapy when i felt i was strong enough and had the courage to. in the end, this probably became the most healing aspect of my six years of therapy with him...in a sense, i grew my wings and learned to leave the nest and say good bye in a healthy manner and on my own terms. for me, it was an empowering experience.
Yes. So many similar dynamics many of us can relate to..while still each one of us has our individual unique experience..Sorry this happened to you too

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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 08:33 AM
  #10
I was emotioanlly seduced by a t: He "sexualized our relationship and I am still trying to find the courage to confront him: Below is a (long) list of what he said: Feel free to pm me if you wish;


Below is a long list of what my t said and did to sexualize our relationship. I am still working on confronting him.

Do you want to get kissed, do you want to get naked, get laid?
Who wouldn’t fall in love with you?!
My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far but I will never abandon you.
How is it every week you take me on a journey where I should not go?
This is beginning to look like a personal relationship.
It is hard for US to end the session and hard for US to say goodbye.
If I gave you the green light, would you go for it?
I’ve failed you and I need to work on that.
Something between us could happen if I was feeling sad or lonely.
You fit right under my arm.
Every man in your life has failed you.
I like curves (he said, “God’s curves”)
I am afraid I am going to fall and it would ruin my life.
I know that you would make a wonderful love partner.
Do you think that if I kissed you it would take away the pain?
I am human and can be tempted.
I am curious, torn scared and conflicted.
I need to check myself and make sure I am not exploiting you physically, emotionally or financially.
If I were to stick my tongue down your throat, you would reject me.
(Pouring water in my glass): Let me fill you up, in a manner of speaking.
You are in my heart and in my head.
Are you wearing a bra? Having an orgasm?
Motioning me with his hands: Bring it on
If I were not married, I would probably go for it.
Held hands, fingers interlocking.
Where do you like to be kissed?
Would you want to have sex with a married man?
Men see purity and innocence in you.
You are so much fun to play with.
Who WOULDN’T fall in love with you?!
I had marshmallows in my mouth and e said: ‘You have quite a capacity…has your mouth slipped off anything else?
Asked why he was (stroking he leg) self-pleasuring. He said, “I do that when I am around you.”
We haven’t discussed OUR orgasm.
Your cup runneth over
I am killing you.
Let me find that sweet sot
A hand could get lost down there
You are a fire
You have hair like a movie star
It is not a me thing, but an US thing
Do you want me to see your nipples?
Do you like undressing for men?
Did he (boyfriend) slip you the tongue?
Ever had your picture taken in the nude?
You have an agile tongue.
Hooked his elbow around my knee and tried to flip me
I touched his nipples and he said, ‘Are they hard?” He said his nipples ae hard ALL of the time .
3 things that turn him on: oral sex, hands all over his body and undressing him.
Invited me to unbutton his shirt and said, ‘It wouldn’t be that much of a boundary violation..”
Told him I thought he was “lonely and hungry”—He said, ‘your evidence/’
Smelled my wrist and slid his face up to my elbow.
Doesn’t like to fight his feelings and if he were ever to touch me he would be “toast.”
If feeling sad or lonely he could take me in his arms and it would be “all over.
You are “passionate, enchantress, angel, elegant, lovely, naďve, wild, crazy, photogenic, spitfire, flirt, seductive and alluring.
You are emotionally sensitive.
My poetry is a “masterpiece” to the world.
I missed you.
I allow for the possibility of surprises.
You are not out of my head once we leave (you are in my heart and in my head) ,
You have been blessed; you can show me more, I wont be offended…in regards to my cleavage.
Can’t believe you don’t know about your power over men.
Admitted my perceptions were correct about him being hungry and lonely.
He is aware of how “hard, soft and what is touching when we hug.”
Drove me home and we sat listening to Yanni (blasting on the radio!) eating chocolate with the moon roof down: he said, ‘If I were your date, I would walk you to the door and shake your hand. “
Put a lei on me and said, ‘It doesn’t mean much without the kiss.”
Said, “move your breasts” twice.
Erections make him feel “alive..”
I’d push you against the wall and you’d be naked before you hit the wall.
You’d like to be nailed to the wall.
I might kiss you.
I trust you with my life.
That is what will happen….we will get married?
Said it would be “pleasureable to make love to me.”
He felt scared and pleasure at whaat happened between us.
I almost touched your softness.
You touched my penis.
If you kiss me…then you kiss me.
Holding my wrists and pulling me on top of him.

You just want me to chase you down and go after you.

He did role reversal and became “me.” I was SO in shock:
You are in love with me but just won’t say it. Would you like to F….me? Can’t we be F…buddies? Aren’t my breasts beautiful? Wouldn’t you like to touch them? Can I give you a blow job; sit on my lap; can we take off our clothes?

There is much more (years and years), but you get the drift!

Below is the letter I wrote, but haven't given to him:

Dear......:

People are what they do, not what they say. You said you didn't like to play with fire. For years now you have been playing with fire. Tempting, teasing, tormenting and torturing me, while you could walk away back to your happy little life unscathed. You gave me mixed messages: come here,, go away..I want you, I don't... Fortunately for me I am a strong woman, but not made of steel. I was authentic in my conversation and feelings for you. You were not. You had your cake and ate it too. My love was pure and from the soul; you have a lust thing going on; I resent that you played fast and loose with my emotions, heart and soul. That is sadistic. You walked away every week, with a "have a nice week"---Talk about surreal, like the teasing, sexual flirting never happened. You have thrown me on the couch, laid on top of me and said "Do you want to feel my full body weight?" You pulled my wrists and pulled me on top of you...that is only a few of the 100's of sexual behavior/teasing you did to me. I imagine your family, friends, colleagues and students wouldn't believe how you behaved with me. You are delusional if you think you are faithful. I usually know what session the guilt will get to you, and that you will be cold, withdrawn, with the Sybil persona. I sit there in misery. You played with my emotions, heart and soul. I was a woman who loved you with a pure heart. You have been unfaithful and cheating for years.

You have given me so many "green lights" I should be blind by now.

You sexualized our relationship x years ago, physically and verbally. I guess you had nothing to lose; play with me and leave. I had to process and go through myriad emotions; confusion, anger, sadness, frustration and hatred.

If you are happily married then help me understand how you have been coming on to me for years. What needs of yours am I meeting? What is missing in your life? I know that if I were in love with someone, there is no way I would be flirting, teasing with another man, let alone as a therapist in a professional setting.

If you weren't happily married and struggling with your feelings for me, I could forgive that.

If you ARE happily married and playing with my mind/seductive behavior, I will NEVER forgive that.

It was your responsibility to remain professional. You CHOSE to behave sexually towards me: Sexual misconduct.

I could have dealt with my feelings for you on my own, but you dragged me into YOUR struggle.

All of your degrees, etc., don't mean anything. People think they know you. Fortunately for you, I won't reveal the dark/sexual side you have shown me. How nice for you. great professional life, family, instructor, pastor, but it is all a SHAM.

The miracle is not that I haven't acted on my feelings, but that I haven't in spite of all you have done to ENC
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 09:57 AM
  #11
Scroll down to warning signs-
Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex - California Department of Consumer Affairs

Warning Signs

In most sexual abuse or exploitation cases, other inappropriate behavior comes first. While it may be subtle or confusing, it usually feels uncomfortable to the patient. Some clues or warning signs are:

Telling sexual jokes or stories.
"Making eyes at" or giving seductive looks to the patient.
Discussing the therapist's sex life or relationships excessively.
Sitting too close, initiating hugging, holding the patient or lying next to the patient.
Another warning sign is "special" treatment by a therapist, such as:

Inviting a patient to lunch, dinner or other social activities.
Dating.
Changing any of the office's business practices (for example, scheduling late appointments so no one is around, having sessions away from the office, etc.).
Confiding in a patient (for example, about the therapist's love life, work problems, etc.).
Telling a patient that he or she is special, or that the therapist loves him or her.
Relying on a patient for personal and emotional support.
Giving or receiving significant gifts.
Signs of inappropriate behavior and misuse of power include:

Hiring a patient to do work for the therapist, or bartering goods or services to pay for therapy.
Suggesting or supporting the patient's isolation from social support systems, increasing dependency on the therapist.
Providing or using alcohol (or drugs) during sessions.
Any violation of the patient's rights as a consumer (see "Patient Bill of Rights,").
Therapy is meant to be a guided learning experience, during which therapists help patients to find their own answers and feel better about themselves and their lives. A patient should never feel intimidated or threatened by a therapist's behavior.

If you are experiencing any of these warning signs, trust your own feelings. Check on the therapist's behavior with a different therapist, or with any of the agencies in "Where To Start". Depending on what you find out, you may want to find another therapist.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 10:11 AM
  #12
Unsafe Poor Bad Psychotherapy | TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

Here are some additional things to consider when interviewing a potential therapist:

A therapist should:

Be educated and trained by an accredited institution;

Be supervised by a more experienced practitioner, or have regular peer supervision;

Regularly attend professional workshops and trainings;

Keep up with the research on and practice of effective therapies;

Have expertise with your particular problems;

Assure confidentiality;

Be on time for appointments, return phone calls, and work in a professional setting;

Encourage or insist that parents wait for their children in an adjacent waiting room, or join a session;

Explain the rules of therapy and confidentiality to adults and children, making clear that they are free to repeat anything said by the therapist to whomever they choose;

Respect the client’s religious and cultural sensitivities;

Provide needed paperwork;

Consult regularly with colleagues and experts;

Create a sense of safety to work at the client’s pace;

Be emotionally present, patient, and persistent;

Be kind, calm, empathetic, insightful, and REALLY listen.

Unfortunately, not all therapists are good and trustworthy. It’s important to recognize “red flags” that signal inappropriate, abusive, and potentially dangerous approaches.

A therapist should not:

Regularly miss, cancel or be late for appointments;

Be casual about session length. (Sessions should be 45-60 minutes, less for young children, and up to 90 minutes for EMDR);

Meet outside of an office setting without a clear medical necessity;

Fail to return phone calls;

Answer non-emergency calls, eat, talk on the phone, or text during sessions;

Fall asleep;

Discuss other clients with you;

Discuss you with anyone other than a supervisor, or use your name publicly;

Fail to refer you elsewhere when your problems are beyond the scope of his/her expertise;

Talk excessively about his/her personal life;

Express anger towards you;

Fail to keep track of where you are in your therapy and healing process;

Fail to help you set and attain goals within a reasonable time frame;

A therapist should NEVER:

Lock the doors or otherwise make your exit difficult;

See you at late or odd hours when no one is around;

Discourage a child patient’s/client’s parents from remaining on the premises, take a child off the premises, or invite or take a child to his/her house;

Tell you “you are more special” than other people/clients;

Shop, dine out, or run personal errands with you;

Ask for personal favors;

Push you to disclose or discuss anything before you are ready;

Touch you or your child in any way that is uncomfortable;

Conduct “therapy” in a bedroom;

Yell, or be insulting, angry, or impatient;

Claim to “have a knack” for doing therapy without training;

Contact your relatives or friends without your permission;

Threaten to tell family members or others that you are troubled and a liar if you reveal what is taking place between you and the “therapist”;

Insist that your problem is because of a lack of faith;

Pressure you to remain in “therapy”;

Ask for gifts or loans of money and other objects;

Encourage you or your child to stop, or start, taking medication without a full evaluation by a competent medical specialist;

Insist that you or your child come multiple times a week for many hours;

Charge above the maximum rate for someone with their degree of education and experience;

Pressure you to remain in or return to a situation in which you or your child(ren) are at risk of physical harm;

Do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe without a clear, therapeutic, and scientifically supported purpose.

When we seek medical care, we want the “top.” We should be no less vigilant with mental health practitioners. Do your research: Ask straight and probing questions. Reputable therapists should be willing to talk about their training, supervision, and professional experience. They should never insist that you trust them or follow them blindly.

If you are in a therapy that feels uncomfortable, listen to your inner voice. Stop immediately and seek consultation from a specialist who has no direct relationship to your therapist.

Ilana W. Rosen, MSW

Danger Signs

The breakdown of therapeutic boundaries, referred to as the “the slippery slope,” is often subtle and gradual and thus can be difficult to detect and understand. Many behaviors of a potentially abusive therapist may be appropriate in a healthy therapy. For example, a therapist may appropriately, from time to time, use his/her personal experiences to illustrate a therapeutic point. A therapist may also be willing to cut fees as a way of accommodating your limited budget. A therapist may even occasionally accept a small gift from you, so long as the purpose and meaning of the gift are explored and understood. The frequency and intensity of these behaviors may mark the difference between safe and unsafe therapeutic boundaries.

The following boundary violations are danger signs that something may be seriously amiss in therapy. When these or other behaviors that make you uncomfortable occur, do not hesitate to question what is taking place, express your discomfort, and, by all means, seek an outside opinion. In addition, ask the therapist to stop the behavior: Tell a friend or family member what is happening: Keep careful notes on what is happening, along with all cancelled checks, insurance payment notifications, answering machine tapes of calls from the therapist, and gifts she/he has given you. If any of these behaviors continue, terminate immediately and file a complaint:

The therapist talks about his/her personal problems, including sexual relations with others.

The therapist makes sexual or suggestive jokes.

The therapist asks questions about your sex life when you are talking about an unrelated issue.

The therapist suggests seeing you outside the office or professional setting (e.g., dinner, movies, home visit).

The therapist offers to cut fees, see you for extended sessions with or without fee, and wants to reschedule you to be the last patient of the day.

The therapist tells you not to talk about your therapy with anyone else, that therapy is a secret.

The therapist talks to you about his/her other patients.

The therapist tells you, explicitly or implicitly, to stay away from friends and family.

The therapist touches, fondles, hugs, or otherwise makes overt physical contact with you.

The therapist offers food, alcohol, or drugs.

The therapist gives you gifts or accepts them from you without discussion about their meaning.

The therapist suggests that you trust him/her absolutely.

The therapist asks you to work for him/her or solicits your advice on business, investing, or other area of your expertise.

The therapist requests detailed information on your finances.

The therapist uses fines or other types of punishment for infraction of his/her imposed rules.

The therapist seeks to borrow money, your car, or other of your belongings.

The therapist shows up at your house or suggests that your house would be an appropriate place to meet.

The therapist tries to get you together socially or romantically with his/her other patients.

The therapist threatens you in any way, such as the threat to tell others -- including your family members -- about you, to say that you’re crazy or to reveal confidences you have shared in the therapeutic context.

The therapist promises to be your caretaker and/or to protect you from others.

The therapist justifies any of the above behaviors by telling you that you are special, that he/she has never felt this way about a patient before, and that the boundary violations occurring are okay because of the special and different nature of your relationship.

When you express discomfort with any of the above, or any aspect of therapy, the therapist becomes angry and/or tells you this is your problem and/or part of your illness, rather than discussing your discomfort openly.

To return to the list of Essays, click here.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 10:13 AM
  #13
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 10:16 AM
  #14
50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling

In no particular order, it is a red flag if you find your:

Counselor does not have sufficient and specific training to address your issues and/or attempts to treat problems outside the scope of the practice.
Therapist is not interested in the changes you want to make and your goals for therapy.
Counselor cannot or does not clearly define how they can help you to solve whatever issue or concern has brought you to therapy.
Therapist provides no explanation of how you will know when your therapy is complete.
Counselor does not seek consultation with other therapists.
Therapist makes guarantees and/or promises.
Therapist has unresolved complaints filed with a licensing board.
Therapist does not provide you with information about your rights as a client, confidentiality, office policies, and fees so you can fairly consent to your treatment. Note: The requirement for information provided to new clients by therapists differs by state and licensure requirements.
Counselor is judgmental or critical of your behavior, lifestyle, or problems.
Therapist “looks down” at you or treats you as inferior in subtle or not so subtle ways.
Counselor blames your family, friends, or partner.
Counselor encourages you to blame your family, friends, or partner.
Therapist knowingly or unknowingly gets personal psychological needs met at the expense of focusing on you and your therapy.
Counselor tries to be your friend.
Therapist initiates touch (i.e., hugs) without consent.
Counselor attempts to have a sexual or romantic relationship with you.
Therapist talks excessively about personal issues and/or self-discloses often without any therapeutic purpose.
Counselor tries to enlist your help with something not related to your therapy.
Therapist discloses your identifying information without authorization or mandate.
Counselor tells you the identities of other clients.
Therapist discloses they have never done personal therapy work.
Counselor cannot accept feedback or admit mistakes.
Therapist focuses extensively on diagnosing without also helping you to change.
Counselor talks too much.
Therapist does not talk at all.
Counselor often speaks in complex “psychobabble” that leaves you confused.
Therapist focuses on thoughts and cognition at the exclusion of feelings and somatic experience.
Counselor focuses on feelings and somatic experience at the exclusion of thoughts, insight, and cognitive processing.
Therapist acts as if they have the answers or solutions to everything and spends time telling you how to best fix or change things.
Counselor tells you what to do, makes decisions for you, or gives frequent unsolicited advice.
Therapist encourages your dependency by allowing you to get your emotional needs met from the therapist. Therapist “feeds you fish, rather than helping you to fish for yourself.”
Counselor tries to keep you in therapy against your will.
Therapist believes that only the therapist’s counseling approach works and ridicules other approaches to therapy.
Therapist is contentious with you or frequently confrontational.
Counselor doesn’t remember your name and/or doesn’t remember your interactions from one session to the next.
Therapist does not pay attention or appear to be listening and understanding you.
Counselor answers the phone during your session.
Therapist is not sensitive to your culture or religion.
Counselor denies or ignores the importance of your spirituality.
Therapist tries to push spirituality or religion on to you.
Counselor does not empathize.
Therapist empathizes too much.
Counselor seems overwhelmed with your problems.
Therapist seems overly emotional, affected, or triggered by your feelings or issues.
Counselor pushes you into highly vulnerable feelings or memories against your wishes.
Therapist avoids exploring any of your emotional or vulnerable feelings.
Counselor does not ask your permission to use various psychotherapeutic techniques.
Therapist tries to get you to exert overt control over your impulses, compulsions, or addictions without helping you to appreciate and resolve the underlying causes.
Counselor prematurely and/or exclusively focuses on helping you to appreciate and resolve the underlying causes of an issue or compulsion when you would instead benefit more from learning coping skills to manage your impulses.
Your counselor habitually misses, cancels, or shows up late to appointments.
If there are other warning signs or red flags you’d like to share, please leave a reply in the comments section below.

© Copyright 2008 by Noah Rubinstein, LMFT, LMHC, therapist in Olympia, Washington. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 11:35 AM
  #15
“Many things will not be obvious. They'll be subtle. In general, anything that the therapist says or does that sounds or looks personal rather than professional could be a "pink flag". I am saying "could be" because it's difficult to make a list of such "flags" without running a risk of demonizing some basic human behaviors and gestures as "unprofessional". I've seen websites that have such "lists" and I find them stupid. Many things on those lists don't mean anything in and of themselves. F.i, they suggest that scheduling a session at the late hour is a "red flag" when, in some instances, it might just be the only time available. Everything is contextual. You can't categorize anything as a "red" or "pink" or whatever "flag" unless you look at it in the context of the specific situation in which it took place”

I agree.
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Default Aug 27, 2018 at 02:50 PM
  #16
^

Ya I agree. I am always the last of the day and there is no one there but it is because of the place he works at, not an actual T company, so everyone goes home at 4 and evenings are what I prefer. It's been that way over a year and it's fine for me. I also get hugs every session, never felt weird or sexual to me. It can really depend on how each client views things too. Not much phases me anyway

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Default Sep 06, 2018 at 02:24 AM
  #17
i got romantic with my T to avoid bad reports to probation officer about my intoxication that would have put me in a cell for certain. he was well built and attractive but i didn't enjoy being laid with so many people roaming around building while he pumped and dumped in me on his couch with glass walls. was better than being caged again
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 06:39 PM
  #18
I am new here and I came because I'm searching for a opinion about things could be my "pink flags" from a long, long time and I have no one to talk to about it. I really hope You could read my message and tell me what are You thinking about my therapy's situation, is it normal for You and I am exaggerating or is there something wrong going on... I'm already going crazy (as if I wasn't crazy enough ) from thinking about it in the last months.

So.. I am in CBT/EMDR/humanistic (easier to say, mix of different schools) therapy, my therapist is a professional with different years of experience, certificates, and so on and so on...

Three years ago I found myself in a difficult situation - lots of health problems, my marriage isn't working well, moving to a new city that I don't really like, etc. After a year and a half my friend told me about this therapist. I was trying before with other types of therapy, but couldn't really accept the kind of approach they were offering and also my previous therapist was sleeping during our sessions (!), so I was discouraged. And I made 6 months of Gestalt 7 years ago, that really helped me.

So I decided to try with this (mostly CBT) therapist and it quickly "clicked" between us. I found him really very professional, first of all really listening and committed, enthusiastic about our future work. I was very happy, even if from the beginning I was a little worried about him because I felt he's a natural flirt and quite good-looking, but at first I thought he wasn't really my type. We understood each other very well from the beginning, has a way of thinking and educational background very similar to mine, so I was very happy to find him.

Months were passing and I started to feel better - I found well-paid job, lost some pounds and started to dress better and take care of myself, feeling more like myself from before the depression. It was then that he started to be always more and more kind, smiling and flirtatious. I found him complementing my hair or asking if I was thinking about him when traveling with airplane, it was quite rare so I thought it was only casual. But it was flattering, especially for me being so depressed and low in last years (after infinite arguments with my husband telling me I am nothing, **** and stuff like that). I told my husband about this, because I was always very transparent to him, especially about other guys that were flirtatious with me and stuff so I didn't want to hide anything from him.

The situation really changed after one session. I remember this time my husband went to his parents that live in another country, so I was alone, and my therapist also told me something about going from the other place than usually, like he's family (oh, didn't mention he is married with kids...) went to live in some other place at this time. So it was winter evening (I have my sessions in the evening, I am a last client since I finish my work late), we were talking a lot and we couldn't finish our session, laughing and talking about different staff (we laugh and joke a lot, as we have very similar sense of humor, it's such a relief having someone you can laugh with, even sometimes), he was asking what music I will listen to now, what drink I will made myself when I come home, and then when I was about to go home he told me "You have such a beautiful sent... You bring such a beautiful sent to my empty and grey office..." He told it in a way that was really flirtatious, looking at my very intensively. Than he made a long pause and added "What kind of perfume are You wearing?..." like he was trying to make me believe he was only talking about it because he wanted to know the name. I told him something in response, feeling at the same time flattered and paralyzed, and I added I am happy to bring it to him and went away.

From this time nothing was the same for me, because the situation between me and therapist became really full of tension and I couldn't forget his words. I couldn't help but buying better perfume also (knowing now that he is noticing it) and wearing better dresses, while he was always looking at me with amusement from head to toes, event if not saying anything more. We were often talking about how I am unhappy in my marriage, and my therapist started also to criticize my husband. Here I have to add, that my husband can be really very passive-aggressive, we are fighting A LOT, and probably my health issues are related to it, so honestly I think my therapist can be right about it. Only that him being at the same time very flirtatious, often joking and offering me some extra-time after session (even if it's only 10, 15 minutes more), looking at me in THIS way with this comments make me feel like there is something going on.

He started to disclose a lot about himself, telling me for example that "he feels there is something in his character that could made him cheat on his wife", that he feels frustrated as a therapist, telling me he is going to visit my home town and asking where to go to eat pizza and then we were texting about how he liked it, what placed he was visiting, and stuff like this. He didn't stop to tell some flirtatious comments, like on the last session he concentrated at the end of the session on the "elements": he was talking about element of earth and told me do I feel earth under my feet, than do I feel water - saliva in my mouth, and then he said smiling at me in a suggestive way "And as for the fire... let's better leave the fire's topic alone...".

I could give more and more examples, but I think I made my point.
Now the question is, am I projecting something to myself? Am I exaggerating? Is he only helping me in this way? Or is he crossing some boundaries?

I have to tell that I really, really, like him, he helped me a lot, I gained a lot of self-confidence that was really missing, I found a job, I am becoming more and more aware of who I am and what I really want to do in my life and it feels great. And I like it VERY MUCH when he is giving me this looks and this comments. But... there is a big BUT, but in my thought he is always present, and even when I am trying to forget about him and making effort to see him as at the beginning, before all of this happened - I can't, because we connect to well, we simply finish sentences one to another, and it feels so good that I don't know how could I ever tell him that I feel something is wrong.

I'm really interested about what do You think about it (and I’m afraid about it at the same time). Are these "pink flags"?

I am sorry if my English isn't perfect, for it isn't my mother tongue.

Thanks a lot for every comment once again.
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Default Sep 22, 2018 at 09:24 PM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl from Europe View Post
I am new here and I came because I'm searching for a opinion about things could be my "pink flags" from a long, long time and I have no one to talk to about it. I really hope You could read my message and tell me what are You thinking about my therapy's situation, is it normal for You and I am exaggerating or is there something wrong going on... I'm already going crazy (as if I wasn't crazy enough ) from thinking about it in the last months.

So.. I am in CBT/EMDR/humanistic (easier to say, mix of different schools) therapy, my therapist is a professional with different years of experience, certificates, and so on and so on...

Three years ago I found myself in a difficult situation - lots of health problems, my marriage isn't working well, moving to a new city that I don't really like, etc. After a year and a half my friend told me about this therapist. I was trying before with other types of therapy, but couldn't really accept the kind of approach they were offering and also my previous therapist was sleeping during our sessions (!), so I was discouraged. And I made 6 months of Gestalt 7 years ago, that really helped me.

So I decided to try with this (mostly CBT) therapist and it quickly "clicked" between us. I found him really very professional, first of all really listening and committed, enthusiastic about our future work. I was very happy, even if from the beginning I was a little worried about him because I felt he's a natural flirt and quite good-looking, but at first I thought he wasn't really my type. We understood each other very well from the beginning, has a way of thinking and educational background very similar to mine, so I was very happy to find him.

Months were passing and I started to feel better - I found well-paid job, lost some pounds and started to dress better and take care of myself, feeling more like myself from before the depression. It was then that he started to be always more and more kind, smiling and flirtatious. I found him complementing my hair or asking if I was thinking about him when traveling with airplane, it was quite rare so I thought it was only casual. But it was flattering, especially for me being so depressed and low in last years (after infinite arguments with my husband telling me I am nothing, **** and stuff like that). I told my husband about this, because I was always very transparent to him, especially about other guys that were flirtatious with me and stuff so I didn't want to hide anything from him.

The situation really changed after one session. I remember this time my husband went to his parents that live in another country, so I was alone, and my therapist also told me something about going from the other place than usually, like he's family (oh, didn't mention he is married with kids...) went to live in some other place at this time. So it was winter evening (I have my sessions in the evening, I am a last client since I finish my work late), we were talking a lot and we couldn't finish our session, laughing and talking about different staff (we laugh and joke a lot, as we have very similar sense of humor, it's such a relief having someone you can laugh with, even sometimes), he was asking what music I will listen to now, what drink I will made myself when I come home, and then when I was about to go home he told me "You have such a beautiful sent... You bring such a beautiful sent to my empty and grey office..." He told it in a way that was really flirtatious, looking at my very intensively. Than he made a long pause and added "What kind of perfume are You wearing?..." like he was trying to make me believe he was only talking about it because he wanted to know the name. I told him something in response, feeling at the same time flattered and paralyzed, and I added I am happy to bring it to him and went away.

From this time nothing was the same for me, because the situation between me and therapist became really full of tension and I couldn't forget his words. I couldn't help but buying better perfume also (knowing now that he is noticing it) and wearing better dresses, while he was always looking at me with amusement from head to toes, event if not saying anything more. We were often talking about how I am unhappy in my marriage, and my therapist started also to criticize my husband. Here I have to add, that my husband can be really very passive-aggressive, we are fighting A LOT, and probably my health issues are related to it, so honestly I think my therapist can be right about it. Only that him being at the same time very flirtatious, often joking and offering me some extra-time after session (even if it's only 10, 15 minutes more), looking at me in THIS way with this comments make me feel like there is something going on.

He started to disclose a lot about himself, telling me for example that "he feels there is something in his character that could made him cheat on his wife", that he feels frustrated as a therapist, telling me he is going to visit my home town and asking where to go to eat pizza and then we were texting about how he liked it, what placed he was visiting, and stuff like this. He didn't stop to tell some flirtatious comments, like on the last session he concentrated at the end of the session on the "elements": he was talking about element of earth and told me do I feel earth under my feet, than do I feel water - saliva in my mouth, and then he said smiling at me in a suggestive way "And as for the fire... let's better leave the fire's topic alone...".

I could give more and more examples, but I think I made my point.
Now the question is, am I projecting something to myself? Am I exaggerating? Is he only helping me in this way? Or is he crossing some boundaries?

I have to tell that I really, really, like him, he helped me a lot, I gained a lot of self-confidence that was really missing, I found a job, I am becoming more and more aware of who I am and what I really want to do in my life and it feels great. And I like it VERY MUCH when he is giving me this looks and this comments. But... there is a big BUT, but in my thought he is always present, and even when I am trying to forget about him and making effort to see him as at the beginning, before all of this happened - I can't, because we connect to well, we simply finish sentences one to another, and it feels so good that I don't know how could I ever tell him that I feel something is wrong.

I'm really interested about what do You think about it (and I’m afraid about it at the same time). Are these "pink flags"?

I am sorry if my English isn't perfect, for it isn't my mother tongue.

Thanks a lot for every comment once again.
What you are describing aren't just pink or even red flags. Your therapist's behavior is grossly unprofessional, and, I hate to say it given how much you like him, but the sooner you leave him the better. It's great that he managed to help you despite his obvious lack of understanding of his professional role, but continuing to see him at this point will be more of a disservice to yourself than help. It sounds like your marital problems contribute quite a bit to your sense of special connection with this guy. It'd be best if you could seriously address your marital and other personal problems with a different therapist at this point, preferably a female.

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Default Sep 23, 2018 at 01:59 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
What you are describing aren't just pink or even red flags. Your therapist's behavior is grossly unprofessional, and, I hate to say it given how much you like him, but the sooner you leave him the better. It's great that he managed to help you despite his obvious lack of understanding of his professional role, but continuing to see him at this point will be more of a disservice to yourself than help. It sounds like your marital problems contribute quite a bit to your sense of special connection with this guy. It'd be best if you could seriously address your marital and other personal problems with a different therapist at this point, preferably a female.
Hi, thank You for Your response.

Can I ask what type of therapy are You familiare with? I think he's exagerating, but maybe he's approuch is more open because it isn't psychoanalitic or psychodynamic school?...
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