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Old 09-01-2018, 09:07 PM #1
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Trig Should have known better

So.

Spent time with adult daughter & grandson this afternoon and evening.

Later on, we were settled down at her house calmly going over events of the day.

I told her about sending my info about being sexually, emotionally, and financially exploited by a previous psychiatrist to Dr. Phil. I told her I didnít expect for my subject to be chosen- Dr. Phil gets thousands of emails, Iím sure. Blah blah blah.

Daughter was angry and incredulous, why would I do such a thing?

I told her my reasons. 1) Educating the public that Ďtherapy doesnít include sex,í 2) to help get the subject out and away from me. 3) I want something good to come out of the bad that happened to me.

Daughter said, ĎYou should have known better!Ē (..than to fall for his line, sex with him would be therapeutic..)

I said, you canít judge me, you werenít there. He manipulated me. It was a gradual process. He didnít just, one day say, Ďhey, letís have sex, it will be good for you.í It was a gradual process. I didnít tell her about Ďgrooming behaviors.í She wasnít in the mood to hear any more about it.

She said she has been hurt by everything that happened and she will never get over it, (as if I hadnít considered it hurt her, too.)

I told daughter I *do* understand that it hurt her and grandon and Mom.... we talk about how it hurt (her) in therapy. She had a fit!

I said we donít necessarily talk about HER but we do talk about Ďsecondary victims.í

More than anyone, *I* know how widespread the damage and pain has been for *everyone.*

I have hurt my family because I donít make good decisions for myself.

Daughter said this is a subject that we should NEVER talk about with each other and she never wants to talk about it again.

She was quite angry. I didnít bring This up to stir up conflict. Although I doubt Dr. Philís people will ever call me, I figured she might like to know about it.

I thought she might say, Ďgood for you.í I was wrong.

I was NOT going to tell her he forced part of it. But she wouldnít have let the conversation continue that far, anyway


My family blames me. They think I should have known better. They think Iím stupid for getting myself in this this predicament.

They have never wanted to understand. I donít even think *I* understand.

Maybe I am stupid. Maybe it was stupid to believe the psychiatrist when he said sex with him would be therapeutic, it would help me. It was a stupid thing for me to do.

I think daughterís attitude, shared by my family, is a significant reason I never got far enough in any conversation to tell any of them he forced part of the sexual intimacies. If I had told them that, I believe they would have blamed that part of it on me, too; I put myself in that position.

I obviously should have known better. I should have given the entire relationship with the psychiatrist more thought.

But there were at least seven clients that came forward. Maybe we were all stupid?

Daughter must assume it could have never happened to her. She might be right.

So, I guess I am stupid and should have known better. She didnít berate me any more than I berate myself.

But isnít this precisely the reason *someone* needs to tell people-

ďEthical therapy never includes sex.Ē

....So people WILL know better, so they wonít do the stupid thing that *I* did?!
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Old 09-01-2018, 09:57 PM #2
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Default Re: Should have known better

Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
My family blames me. They think I should have known better. They think Iím stupid for getting myself in this this predicament.

They have never wanted to understand. I donít even think *I* understand.

But isnít this precisely the reason *someone* needs to tell people-

ďEthical therapy never includes sex.Ē

....So people WILL know better, so they wonít do the stupid thing that *I* did?!
unfortunately, family and society prefer to turn a blind eye, bury their heads in the sand and continue to blame the victim for these kinds of transgressions. it feels safer for them this way. i agree with you, this is the perfect reason to bring awareness to these issues, and if no one speaks up about them, then people will continue with their ignorant self serving beliefs.

hugs to you i'm sad that your daughter's reaction towards you was so harsh. it takes a lot of courage to be able to speak up about this, and i admire you for it.
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Old 09-02-2018, 01:26 AM #3
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Default Re: Should have known better

This is so painful to hear from your kid and so unfair to you

I am a parent and, even though I haven't heard this particular accusation from my son, I've heard some other stuff from him that caused me much pain. It has gotten resolved by now, but I definitely can relate on some level to what you are feeling

Please, please, don't allow anyone, including your daughter, to hurt you again. You don't deserve this crap. I understand that your daughter may have legitimate reasons to be angry with you for whatever happened in the past, but that doesn't give her the right to say what she had said to you. If she has grievances about how you treated her in the past and how what you did affected her, she has the right to talk about that, but she has no right to judge what happened in your therapy. As you said, she wasn't there, she doesn't know how this abuse takes place, and, unfortunately, she is not interested to learn about it. She has the right not to learn about it, if she doesn't want to, but if that's what she chooses, then she is in no position to have an opinion about it. You can't have an opinion about something you don't want to know anything about.

It's so painful when your own family add to your trauma. Please, don't let your daughter or anyone else say to you that it was your fault ever again. I know it's so hard to do that when it comes to your kids, but you have the right to make your well-being a priority. Your past failings as a parent don't give your daughter the right to treat you that way. You've acknowledged what you did wrong as a parent and, once you did that, you don't owe her anything anymore. Seriously. Don't let your guilt manipulate you and don't take abuse from anyone anymore, including your family.
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Old 09-02-2018, 07:37 AM #4
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Default Re: Should have known better

You aren't stupid...you are courageous....so many people who are abused are afraid to speak up and the abuse continues....."When good men do nothing,evil continues."

You weren't stupid...you trusted a professional (as everyone usually does) and he betrayed and abused you..

Put the anger/berating where it belongs,...on the abuser.
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Old 09-03-2018, 09:36 AM #5
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Iím so sorry this happened to add complicated layers to an already difficult experience.

I can imagine a child being unsettled contemplating her parentís vulnerabilities, but again am sorry her processing had to add to your pain.

Since weíre conditioned to respect authority, itís easy to be hoodwinked by unscrupulous ones. I certainly was bullied, allowed therapists to pretend to know me clairvoyantly and infantilze me.

Iíve read regretful accounts from guests on Dr. Phil. Perhaps there are other ways of telling your story.
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Old 09-03-2018, 07:48 PM #6
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The trouble is, now looking back, I can see her point.
I feel devastated by the pain Iíve caused.
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Old 09-03-2018, 08:40 PM #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
The trouble is, now looking back, I can see her point.
I feel devastated by the pain Iíve caused.
You may want to reach out to her and tell her how you feel and, hopefully, she will accept your apology and will be able to make peace with you. I intentionally don't use the word "forgiveness". I hate that word because it's often misused to invalidate legitimate pain and anger about something wrong that was done to a person. But I do believe in the value of working towards making peace with one's past.

Just keep in mind that you can't compensate her for whatever you've done wrong. Once you expressed a sincere regret and offered a sincere apology, there is absolutely nothing you can do for her beyond that.

Pain caused by past events cannot be erased by any actions in the present after many years have passed and it's not meant to be erased. This pain is a catalyst for change and personal growth. If our childhoods weren't painful, we would have no motivation to work on ourselves and to grow up. If our homes and our parents were perfect and always made us happy, we would have no reason to separate from them, to leave the home and to become our own person.

We all have been wronged by our parents one way or another to a more or less extend. Not always and not necessarily because the parents were bad people, but because they were limited human beings, with limited understanding of what their children needed and also limited capacity to provide them with what they needed even when they did understand it. Some parents struggle with their own traumas and have no emotional capacity to be present for their children, some struggle to survive literally. They work 2-3 jobs just to feed the kids, but they are physically unable to attend to them beyond their physical needs. This is not to excuse anyone, this is just to explain that traumas and pain are, unfortunately, the organic part of life that is meant to be used as an opportunity for growth.

I hope, your daughter will be able to go through her process in such a way that she would want to restore the broken connection between you and her. I also hope she'd understand, at some point at least, that she can't expect you to heal her wounds. While you were the cause of her pain, it is now her job to heal it, as unfair as it sounds. It is so simply because no one except us alone has the power to heal our wounds and no one except us is in a position to do that, because healing ourselves is a condition for our growth and maturation and so we've got to do this work ourselves, no one can do it for us.

I also hope she'd understand that while she has legitimate grievances, she is in no position to judge what happened between you and your abusive therapist. She has the right to judge what has been happening between you and her over the course of her life and to tell you how it affected her, but she cannot tell you what happened between you and your therapist. My hope for you is that you'd be able to set this particular boundary with her. Whatever you did wrong in the past and whatever pain you caused her doesn't give her the right to tell you that your abuse was your fault. This is the red line she should not be crossing and I hope you will keep this boundary strong. Demanding basic respect for yourself would actually help her to deal with her own pain constructively.
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Old 09-03-2018, 09:09 PM #8
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Default Re: Should have known better

I doubt there's a person alive who invulnerable to all exploitation, scams, lures, manipulations. Smart people join cults. Strong people revert back to toddler age when talking about their therapists. I see public scams and demagogues with worshipful followers. Despite my vigilance of maybe a half dozen cons in my life, I still can be fooled by someone's act colluding with my insecurities and needs.

I think it's important to learn from mistakes, remedy what's possible but also forgive ourselves and others.
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Old 09-19-2018, 03:34 PM #9
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The whole reason that it is so extremely unethical for therapists to have romantic/sexual relationships with clients/patients is because they are in a position of influence where they can cause vulnerable people to do things that they wouldn't otherwise do. It wasn't your fault. Your therapist should have been ethical enough to NEVER cross that line.
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