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Old 10-15-2018, 10:04 PM   #1
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Default Help with jealousy

So I rarely post here, and if you were on the regular part of this forum you saw my recent positive post. Things are good with T and I

However, my lifelong jealousy is at an all time high with him. He knows I have this issue but we have not talked much about it. For months I've been ok with it all, it hasn't bothered me...

Now, two things at once, happened that trigged this again and It's really bad right now.

The thing is, all my life I've ONLY had jealousy of other women... and never in a rage way but in a "they are better than me, I'm worthless" way ...I have many issues with women in general... (thanks mom and grandma)

Anyway the reason I am writing this here is, my feelings, while mostly are still "friend like" desire type... have crossed into romantic and sexual.... (although he does not and will not know either of those)

I think this could be playing a huge part in things lately, every woman is now also a "threat" in a way... and it's driving me crazy. The weird thing is, there is some women, he talks to regularly at work, and I may be around, I'm not phased. It's like if I'm not there though, that's what bugs me... the "what are they doing and what are they laughing and talking about" type stuff.

I don't wanna ruin things, they are really good now but I'm unsure how to manage this. As I said, it's been a lifelong battle, normally I just ignore it but I can't with this. My feelings for him seem to grow by the day and so does the jealousy.... and I HATE the jealous side of me. It's a terrible quality to have.

I need to figure how to manage this, I can't see him for a few days yet... and we don't really do outside contact, so any advice? I feel like spending the next few days just laying in bed sleeping so I can stop thinking about it but I have to work

*also an interesting note, I think back to all the people I've had terrible jealousy problems with and it's always a different thing that really sets me off, with him, its laughing with other women. I just can't deal with it.... although in this specific case that inspired my post, my mind is all over the place, I'm jealous about a million little things. (Although weirdly no jealously with his female family members or long time female friends)
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Old 10-17-2018, 12:21 PM   #2
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Default Re: Help with jealousy

I've never struggled with jealousy in any significant way but when I had feelings like that, it was always when I saw someone in a similar role or with similar qualities to mine, in a situation I wanted to be but could not at a given time. People I perceived as competitors, but I guess that's the definition of jealousy. I never really did anything with it other than trying to learn from it - observe what triggered it, for example why the other people would be able to do what I desired, why I could not or would not. It was sometimes very useful because I could identify qualities I liked or wanted more in myself but was not happy about, or fears that prevented me from doing something I desired. Interestingly, jealousy did does not usually block me but inspire me. It is not pleasant but can be a good advisor for me. In this case, of course you can't put it as a goal to get romantic/sexual with the T but, since you now do seem to have that desire, maybe it shows that you have those kinds of needs. I agree and I would not share it with your T though, given what you previously said about it and how hard it can be for you to deal with rejection from him.

If you feel that other women are better than you - why? What qualities do they have that you don't? Maybe work on developing some of those?
 
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Old 10-17-2018, 01:09 PM   #3
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Default Re: Help with jealousy

No idea. I don't like women generally. I find most to be *****es. I don't trust women much at all and i don't want a relationship. Never have. None of this makes sense to me but none the less we can talk tomorrow. This instance is about another client so that I'm ok brimging up

I think it's just always feeling not good enough
Always an after thought. I'm happy with who i am, just seems others are not. Oh well i guess
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Old 10-17-2018, 01:56 PM   #4
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No idea. I don't like women generally. I find most to be *****es. I don't trust women much at all and i don't want a relationship. Never have. None of this makes sense to me but none the less we can talk tomorrow. This instance is about another client so that I'm ok brimging up

I think it's just always feeling not good enough
Always an after thought. I'm happy with who i am, just seems others are not. Oh well i guess

I am pretty sure there are people who would be quite happy with who you are. I also have a strong preference for men for pretty much everything, which is a bit funny given that sexually I also find some women appealing and I'm bisexual. But my emotional preference is definitely for males, in a large part because, generally, I tend to identify with men better and in more ways.



I understand being jealous about the other client, it sounds similar to what I said, when I am jealous of people in similar roles as mine but would not care about others.
 
Old 10-19-2018, 09:09 PM   #5
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Well the jealousy issue was brought up, I felt super awkward but he handled it well. Thankfully I was paranoid for nothing. I was completely honest about WHY I was feeling jealous etc

I asked about his comfort level on me sharing feelings for him and it didn't go so well. Basically just said he would seem cold and distant and likely have no response. He didn't see a need for me to share it. So that was disappointing but at least I know he is still very uncomfortable with that stuff so I can't push it.
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Old 10-20-2018, 07:38 AM   #6
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Default Re: Help with jealousy

First off, I said MOST, not all.... thanks for another shinning example of WHY I feel that way

Second, don't be telling me anything about my life and why I feel like I do, you don't know me, you haven't walked even a inch in my shoes. Society has not forced me to think anything, experience has... but thanks for your lovely assumptions.

Lastly... I don't NEED meaningful relationships, I have a dog, a best friend and some good online friends. Not every person on earth thrives on relationships with other people. I've had plenty of time in my life to learn to love my own company and have fun on my own. I am able to interact often with my family, even if we are not close. I talk to my neighbors etc...
Also there are plenty of people, on PC alone, who have meaningful relationships and their therapist is one of them. Maybe do some research on attachment and such before you start shaming others.
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:31 AM   #7
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It is odd, and I think misogynistic, how this forum lets people write *****es but not other words.
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:46 AM   #8
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I was surprised it didn't block it either honestly... although technically it also refers to female dogs and some people actually call them that, so it could be why.
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:53 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
No idea. I don't like women generally. I find most to be *****es. I don't trust women much at all and i don't want a relationship. Never have. None of this makes sense to me but none the less we can talk tomorrow. This instance is about another client so that I'm ok brimging up

I think it's just always feeling not good enough
Always an after thought. I'm happy with who i am, just seems others are not. Oh well i guess
It seems to me that your feelings about women in general (which I don't share but I don't think you are alone in this, on this forum or elsewhere) might be the key to improving your jealousy problems with T or elsewhere. Are you really "happy" with disliking women or finding them "*****es" or distrusting them and avoiding relationships just because they are women? I guess I'd also say that until you said this, I didn't feel this from you in your posts.

Personally I think you could benefit from exploring your negative feelings about women because I think they are not rational and this level of bias is probably getting in your way at work or in life, and it's probably connected to your jealousy over your T's connections with other women, whether you see his interactions or not.

On this forum in the more distant past, I've seen some lack of acceptance with those who are "man hating" or who make generalizations about how men "are". You can't even write the word "****" without it being astericked out. Not sure whether "prick" is banned but I'll soon find out.

I'm not trying to be harsh about how you feel about women, it's brave of you to say what's true for you, but I think like many prejudices and biases, they are harmful to those who adopt them. Back in the days of school desegregation, psychologists found that racial bias was bad for everyone, no matter what their race. I'd really encourage to explore this or consider changing it in therapy sometime.
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Old 10-20-2018, 10:06 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
It seems to me that your feelings about women in general (which I don't share but I don't think you are alone in this, on this forum or elsewhere) might be the key to improving your jealousy problems with T or elsewhere. Are you really "happy" with disliking women or finding them "*****es" or distrusting them and avoiding relationships just because they are women? I guess I'd also say that until you said this, I didn't feel this from you in your posts.

Personally I think you could benefit from exploring your negative feelings about women because I think they are not rational and this level of bias is probably getting in your way at work or in life, and it's probably connected to your jealousy over your T's connections with other women, whether you see his interactions or not.

On this forum in the more distant past, I've seen some lack of acceptance with those who are "man hating" or who make generalizations about how men "are". You can't even write the word "****" without it being astericked out. Not sure whether "prick" is banned but I'll soon find out.

I'm not trying to be harsh about how you feel about women, it's brave of you to say what's true for you, but I think like many prejudices and biases, they are harmful to those who adopt them. Back in the days of school desegregation, psychologists found that racial bias was bad for everyone, no matter what their race. I'd really encourage to explore this or consider changing it in therapy sometime.
Absolutely I wanna work on it, it's why I was talking to T about it. It's NOT just with him, I've had this issue with women my entire life. (the jealousy)

I can't help that I've met many terrible women in my life who were horrible to me and got me with the mindset I have. Again though, I never said ALL..... my best friend is a woman. My closest online friend is a woman. Most friends I've had all my life are women..... I know I have this issue and it's why I have a male T. I would have gotten 0 work done with a women... BUT I also know it's something to work on and he is well aware of it, I've been open about it since day 1. I also would like to say not all men are fantastic either, obviously. I've just had better experiences with men in my life overall
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