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Old 10-20-2018, 11:11 PM #31
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

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Originally Posted by Salmon77 View Post
I find it surprising that several people find the idea so disgusting. Of course I agree it's icky if a T tells clients about their sexual attraction or brings it into therapy in any way. But it seems natural and inevitable to me that a T might have the occasional stray thought about it. I wonder if the people who think it's gross see their T as a parental figure?
I don't see T as a parental figure, but the intimacy of our relationship makes sexual attraction icky to me. Like dating my gynecologist or graduate advisor, and then there's the married guy aspect on top of that. I don't want sexual attraction from people who are married and I think that's icky too. In general it's about the inappropriateness of sexual attraction based on the relationship and the fact that he's married. The fact that I have CSA in my background is irrelevant.
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:07 AM #32
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

I know that during our first (or maybe also in the second) year of our work together the T was probably sexually attracted to me. I did not know it by then but it sort of came out later. So in that sense he did deal with his feelings on his own and did not bring them to sessions.

I have been told previously (also by my H) that I exhibited a certain seductive appearance or way of being, which was half unconscious to me. In some situations I realised it as I saw that certain types of people very easily fell for me for some reason. I suspect that in some other instances I was completely unaware of it. In most cases I wasn't actively trying to be seductive though. Rather it was because I had such huge troubles with connecting with people in normal human level and thus I seemed to be somewhat mysterious, interesting and unavailable that for certain type of people this probably felt very attractive. People with normal ability to connect with other people payed no attention to me however, I guess they sensed that I'm not being "interesting" but there is something wrong with me.

Anyway, I guess that was the dynamic played out in the beginning and my T perceived me as being seductive and thus felt sexually attracted to me. Anyway, this period ended to give room for hatred and aggression and because those feelings were far earlier and more infantile then all this sexual stuff vanished. I suppose it was all a defence and as I'm able to be more real now with people in general then I suppose I've generally lost this seductive quality.

I am expecting to start working on my sexuality at some point in therapy though and I do expect the sexual feelings to come into play again, but now for the purpose of doing the work I need to do for myself.
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:22 AM #33
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

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I have been told previously (also by my H) that I exhibited a certain seductive appearance or way of being, which was half unconscious to me. In some situations I realised it as I saw that certain types of people very easily fell for me for some reason. I suspect that in some other instances I was completely unaware of it. In most cases I wasn't actively trying to be seductive though. Rather it was because I had such huge troubles with connecting with people in normal human level and thus I seemed to be somewhat mysterious, interesting and unavailable that for certain type of people this probably felt very attractive. People with normal ability to connect with other people payed no attention to me however, I guess they sensed that I'm not being "interesting" but there is something wrong with me.
I very much relate to this, especially the parts bolded. It does not happen very often these days but was the code of my youth, and I learned very well what types of people tend to be influenced by it (usually the kinds that I also like the best, so that's not too bad). Some therapists can fit in that group pretty well and that was the case with my last T especially. For me, what has changed this pattern quite a bit is getting older (I can't pass for the young, cute, dark and mysterious image anymore), having done it a hundred times and succeeding but, most importantly perhaps, my values and communication style has changed. I can tailor my style to the other people involved much more easily, am not so anxious socially, and also like to keep my priorities (the priorities of a particular connection) in the focus. For me, there was a phase several years ago when it was quite uncomfortable to realize that this old pattern of mysterious, implicit seduction just by existing dis not work effortlessly anymore. I am very happy about it now because it also used to complicate my relationships a great deal. I did not work on this directly in therapy but there was a certain dynamic with the last T that provided good lessons, even though at the time the pattern was already dying.

I am not sure this is "wrong" per se, it's just a characteristic some people have. What can be wrong IMO is how one uses it: taking advantage of it and making reckless decisions, getting into inappropriate and destructive relational patterns etc. I did a lot of the latter in my youth for sure. It can also be very limiting to habitually choose the same kinds of people that we know react to this positively (engage) and avoid developing other social skills with the rest. It was largely over by the time I got to therapy, but the remnants were there.
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Old 10-21-2018, 07:10 AM #34
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

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I am not sure this is "wrong" per se, it's just a characteristic some people have.
I was not referring to that characteristic as being wrong. Rather, this was a symptom that something was wrong with me and this "wrong" was way deeper than this one symptom. It was part of the mask I was wearing, myself being almost completely dead behind the mask. This deadness was the wrongness I was referring to.

I think this period was the first important test my T passed successfully. Although I guess he might have had quite strong feelings at that time and he did not resist being seduced, it seems he never really got hooked and he certainly did not collude with me.
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Old 10-21-2018, 08:01 AM #35
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

Well of course. Human nature-gut sex drive instincts come before college training. This is true in lots of situations. To say it isn't is just naive. The therapist has to keep this in check but occasionally they don't, probably after many meetings. I work with hundreds of people and see it all the time-married or not. Flirty stuff can lead to affairs or marriages.
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Old 10-21-2018, 08:19 AM #36
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

This opens up an interesting can of worms. For one in a social setting after some time the chemistry heats up between certain individuals. Some girls especially, act aloof but these will be the first ones to show a sexual interest. Their aloofness is hiding the sex thing. I believe it's an ego defense mechanism-maybe reaction formation. Sometimes all you gotta do is say hello and then watch the walls break down. So..the more aloof she is the more she finds you interesting. In another direction I'm very suspicious of someone who is overly friendly as in time you will see them turn on you. Again the ego is hiding it's true feelings protecting the person from what it sees as unacceptable. It's happened too many times to not be true.
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Old 10-21-2018, 11:22 AM #37
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

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Originally Posted by feileacan View Post
I was not referring to that characteristic as being wrong. Rather, this was a symptom that something was wrong with me and this "wrong" was way deeper than this one symptom. It was part of the mask I was wearing, myself being almost completely dead behind the mask. This deadness was the wrongness I was referring to.

I think this period was the first important test my T passed successfully. Although I guess he might have had quite strong feelings at that time and he did not resist being seduced, it seems he never really got hooked and he certainly did not collude with me.
Very similar with my last T. It was very clear that he was affected in similar ways I’d seen with countless others previosly but did not engage / got hooked behaviorally. I told him multiple times how I appreciated that.

For me, I would not describe my version as deadness inside and I definitely had a number of goodand meaningful relationships in my childhood, adolescence and later. But definitely a level of emotional detachment and avoidance that many people close to me noted or complained about. So yes, in that sense it was wrong. I am still prone to it to a certain extent especially when stressed or when I feel insecure but at this point the best way to work on it is challenging myself in everyday life, to do things differently. I think Iknow pretty well what has caused this pattern. The expedition of identifying it did start out with a perception of “something is deeply wrong with me” as well - it was quite a ride in my entire 30’s more or less, leading to some pretty severe “side effects” of the investigation as I did not do it in safe ways at all.
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Old 10-21-2018, 11:30 AM #38
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

I'm sure both of my long-term Ts have felt sexual feelings in session, but I think more in a fleeting way rather than a continuous state.

It doesn't bother me. I would think it was odd if one of them did not feel sexual attraction from time to time.

I have a sexual abuse history but have always been able to separate sex from those situations. Sexual abuse is about power, control, objectifying, using, entitlement, sadism etc. where I associate sexual feelings with pleasure and day to day life.
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Old 10-22-2018, 02:00 AM #39
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

No, I'm too unattractive.
No one ever was attracted to me in any way
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Old 10-22-2018, 12:12 PM #40
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Default Re: Do you think your therapist is ever sexually attracted to you?

Thinking about this is really underlining how bad my self-image has become in recent years because there's no way I could imagine that either of them were ever attracted to me in the slightest.

I used to be quite a seductive person but I've lost that aspect of myself. No-one wants to f*** me any more.
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