[precaryous]

Some of my family and friends blame me for being exploited by a previous Pdoc/therapist. I’ve heard, “I hope you’ve learned your lesson!” and “You should have known better!”

Their attitudes make it hard for me to heal. It’s also isolating because I feel I can’t talk to my friends and family about anything that happened me. I’m depressed and spinning in circles. I don’t think I’ll ever get better.

I’m still not sure how much I’m to blame for my sexual, emotional and financial exploitation by a T.

I am wondering how often this happens to others so I’m making a poll.

If you have been sexually exploited by a T, do you have friends or family who think it’s your fault?

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I’m still not sure how much I’m to blame for my sexual, emotional and financial exploitation by a T.

0%. You are not one little bit to blame.

People who haven't been through a toxic therapeutic relationship usually just don't get it. Which is a shame because actually, not understanding the power of gaslighting and other abusive and manipulative tactics actually makes them more vulnerable than they realise.

I know it's hard to be invalidated by those around you, but I feel like there comes a point where you have to accept these people just don't get it, and can't offer the kind of support you need.

What you absolutely shouldn't do is believe them if they say it's your fault. Because it is not. Not at all.

[nicoleflynn]

Everyone is responsible for their own behavior. We CHOOSE our behavior. We don't cause others' behavior. Put the blame and shame where it belongs on the abusive behavior of the t.

[Anne2.0]

I haven't been there so I didn't participate in the poll, but I do work in the legal system with victims of all kinds of violence, most often by their partners or husbands or other family members, but sometimes just people they have met or acquaintances like neighbors or landlords, or total strangers.

It is pervasive for people in our culture to blame victims, particularly female victims of sexual violence with people they know and usually love, there are reams of professional articles and books published on it, some people say it is part of the "rape culture" we live in and I haven't found much wrong with that. The fear of being blamed keeps victims shrouded in silence. Although some people say #MeToo has changed all this, perhaps it has for the women who reported the "powerful men", but where I work, not so much for the everyday woman with the not so powerful man.

Even child victims of sexual violence get blamed, and there's been more than one story in the recent past of a judge saying the child led him on or something like that. I've worked with many women who told someone in childhood and got blamed for "stealing Mom's boyfriend" or the like.

So what your family and friends have said can't possibly be true, if that is what gets said to all kinds of victims of violence. Well, victims of sexual or other interpersonal violence. It's been pointed out that no one goes to the bank teller after the bank's been robbed and blames them for all the tempting money the bank has lying around, even advertising how much money they're willing to give people. No one asks the mugger if they were advertising the fats stacks of cash visible in their wallet, or points says the burglarized homeowner is at fault for having that nice TV and several Ipads.

It's not personal to you. Perhaps a big part of it is that people are so uncomfortable with disclosures of someone they love being a victim, and because they don't know what to say. In the back of their mind is a fear of what if this could happen to them or someone else? If they blame you, then they don't have to confront the possibility this may happen to them. Psychologists call this "belief in a just world." Blaming you makes other people feel being exploited, abused, and victimized is under their control. I'd never be so dumb as to walk alone to a dark parking lot at 3am. I'd never marry someone who abused me, the first time he hit me I'd be out the door. I'd never let a therapist . . . . .

I can only imagine the kinds of hurtful things that are routinely said to victims of therapy abuse, but what your family members and friends have said seems just typical of a society where it's easier to blame the victim than hold the perpetrator accountable. #MeToo was just a small example of how sometimes that isn't true.

That others blame you is not within your control, just like the abuse and exploitation was. The only thing that is under your control and your responsibility is your healing, which it seems to me you've already progressed enough to be able to "talk" about this here and to take the risk that you might have some wacko tell you the same thing. I hope the support is palpable to you.

[Ididitmyway]

No, my family never blamed me. Both my husband and my son were supportive of me, my husband especially.

I can't say the same about other people. The so-called "friends" simply felt uncomfortable with the topic. They mumbled something, which clearly indicated that they didn't understand anything about it. As all "normal" people, they just didn't understand how an intelligent, adult woman, who is a professional herself, could engage in some sort of a personal relationship with another adult and claim that it was abuse. Though they didn't say anything judgmental in my face, it was clear to me that they judged me.

This type of abuse, and everything that has to do with unequal power relational dynamic requires mass education for people to understand what's wrong with that. But I don't believe it'll happen any time soon. There are too many deep and painful spots in the collective unconscious that people don't want to touch because they are connected to enormous shame, guilt and fear.

This goes way, way beyond therapy..

[junkDNA]

my family never discusses what I went though...

as far as friends and aquaintances, most don't understand. they say it was consensual, etc. it's too hard to tell people who are unaware of the dynamics in a therapeutic relationship how it was anything but consensual given the transference and trauma. I gave up explaining it

my coworker saw my current therapist come in my job the other week. he asked how I am and I went to chat with him for a minute. when I got back my coworker said is that your lover? I said no that's my therapist. "so he's your therapist lover then?". I said no.. dont joke about that. "why?". I told her a breif rundown of what I went thru. she seemed to understand... then said "I need to find a therapist like that!"

most people just don't get it

[missbella]

I’ve had a couple of friendships blow up after I told them about my blog. They became manically furious, as though I’d abandoned some duty to submit to authority and undergo purification. Mind you, I offerr no opinions about their therapy. One essentially turned into my therapist, innumerating what she felt were all my shortcomings that needed therapy.

However, friends were supportive when the exploitation happened and through the grievance process. My exploitation was bullying, scapegoating and humiliating me to keep me, but not sexual.

[SalingerEsme]

I didn't have an affair with a therapist, but I did with my high school teacher when I was 17 and into my first year of college( I went to boarding school). My peers thought it was incredibly cool, the other teachers ignored it, and my mom congratulated me like it was a nice coming of age movie. Now my T helped me see why it was exploiting my early trauma , undermining my already fragile trust in authority and also all the other students', and overloading me with adult experiences when I needed to get good grades and play sports etc. That year I got so skinny that my rib cage hurt when I tried to sleep on my side, and I got about 3 hours of sleep night. I was a rule following type, but we ended up breaking rules, keeping secrets and seaking around, so I felt guilty all the time. I missed my friends, even though they were right there.