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Old 01-07-2019, 07:18 PM #11
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
If you did not have and these feelings what would your life be like? Would it be dull and gray or full of color? When I finally let go of my T I realized I was using him and the feelings to give my life something other than the dullness and drudgery that it is. I am also married.


Thatís an interesting thought that never occurred to me. My instinct is to say thatís not what it is, but Iíll have to think on it more because Iím not totally sure!
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Old 01-07-2019, 07:21 PM #12
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Thanks for this! Iíll take a look at it. You would think with me being a therapist intern that I would understand and be ok with my feelings but nope..
Haha...I was depressed after after reading chapter 3. Then chapter 4 was redemption!
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Old 01-07-2019, 07:25 PM #13
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

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For Summer--I assume you're worried that you're developing romantic feelings along with the sexual? I agree they can be really hard to deal with, as I ultimately had some of those for my ex-marriage counselor, along with paternal transference and some sexual feelings. It was all very confusing in my head. I'd just suggest being careful in talking about romantic feelings, if that's what they are. The paternal stuff (including love feelings) were fine, and he was completely accepting of them. But when he sensed romantic love in my "I love you so much" email, that's when things shifted. (And he eventually confirmed that's why he suddenly put up more boundaries.)

Some T's can completely handle those feelings, and yours might be great with it. But it can just be a sensitive area. It might be better to try to frame it more as erotic transference. Or is it possible there's paternal stuff in there, too? It can make things feel really intense, because it's about unmet childhood needs. (I know it might seem weird if that's there along with sexual stuff, but from what I've been told, it's not that uncommon. Like how kids often fall in love with a parent.)



I am in general in favor of talking about things like that, or they can build up more. Just saying to be careful in talking about it with him. Talk about it here all you want!

Yeah, for some reason the romantic feelings scare me WAY more than the sexual feelings. Iím used to having sexual feelings towards people who I wouldnít actually act anything out with, especially older males. It happens to me really frequently. Idk if itís from childhood issues or just because I tend to be a pretty sexual person overall.

I totally get what you mean about the paternal transference mixed with sexual/romantic. At first when I realized I had all of those feelings for him, it freaked me out. But then when I reframed the feelings as just needs that are unmet, it didnít sound as weird. Itís like one moment I want to have sex with him, and the next moment Iím terrified that heíll act inappropriately and prove that heís not safe just like all the other men in my life (not referring to ALL men, just the ones Iíve grown close to who have hurt me). Sometimes I feel like I need to test him to make sure heís safe. I confuse myself Need to get this off my chest
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:58 PM #14
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

So Iím gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
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Old 01-08-2019, 05:23 PM #15
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

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Originally Posted by SummerTime12 View Post
So Iím gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
I personally don't see the point, it seems to just make things awkward, at least for the client, going forward

BUT

if you chose to, that's your call and the best advice is write it down and have him read it there, go from there, I did that often and it helped
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Old 01-08-2019, 06:27 PM #16
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So Iím gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
If you think it will be an open topic for exploring and really understanding with this T, then just say it in plain language & don't beat around the bush! If you think it will be automatically sterotyped into a neat little box because he's uncomfortable, that might not be a good outcome for you. You want to be seen and allowed to have things be processed in an open environment... Otherwise, what's the point in therapy?
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:22 AM #17
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

I think we often try to put too many labels on feelings or thoughts, its a way of trying to understand them I guess.

I would just talk about how you feel... "I am hurting because I miss you badly" or something. Think about what the pain might be about. You say you want him so much it hurts but is it the absence of him that's causing the pain or the knowing that you can't have more of him?

I do think the only way through it, is to talk as openly as you can. It is a gamble because, as we see so often in this forum, some therapists aren't cut out for this kind of work but the alternative of keeping it to yourself isn't good either. This love stuff is really the crux of healing our past, that's why it inevitably comes up in therapy. Good luck!
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:17 AM #18
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I think we often try to put too many labels on feelings or thoughts, its a way of trying to understand them I guess.

I would just talk about how you feel... "I am hurting because I miss you badly" or something. Think about what the pain might be about. You say you want him so much it hurts but is it the absence of him that's causing the pain or the knowing that you can't have more of him?

I do think the only way through it, is to talk as openly as you can. It is a gamble because, as we see so often in this forum, some therapists aren't cut out for this kind of work but the alternative of keeping it to yourself isn't good either. This love stuff is really the crux of healing our past, that's why it inevitably comes up in therapy. Good luck!
I love this post. Thank you.
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:10 PM #19
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

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So Iím gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
Hi Summer-
Does he have analytic training?
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Old 01-09-2019, 09:41 PM #20
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Default Re: Need to get this off my chest

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Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
I personally don't see the point, it seems to just make things awkward, at least for the client, going forward

BUT

if you chose to, that's your call and the best advice is write it down and have him read it there, go from there, I did that often and it helped
Thanks DP, writing is always an option. Youíre right that it def makes things awkward, but itís also nice to have things out in the open in a way. I feel like whenever I talk to him about this stuff, I feel kinda awkward around him for that session and the next, and then itís like it never happened haha.

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Originally Posted by Nemo1934 View Post
If you think it will be an open topic for exploring and really understanding with this T, then just say it in plain language & don't beat around the bush! If you think it will be automatically sterotyped into a neat little box because he's uncomfortable, that might not be a good outcome for you. You want to be seen and allowed to have things be processed in an open environment... Otherwise, what's the point in therapy?
Thank you! He has responded really well to these kinds of disclosures before, so Iím fairly certain he would handle it well again. Even though weíve discussed my sexual feelings towards him in the past, it still feels SO difficult to bring it up each time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaVicar? View Post
I think we often try to put too many labels on feelings or thoughts, its a way of trying to understand them I guess.

I would just talk about how you feel... "I am hurting because I miss you badly" or something. Think about what the pain might be about. You say you want him so much it hurts but is it the absence of him that's causing the pain or the knowing that you can't have more of him?

I do think the only way through it, is to talk as openly as you can. It is a gamble because, as we see so often in this forum, some therapists aren't cut out for this kind of work but the alternative of keeping it to yourself isn't good either. This love stuff is really the crux of healing our past, that's why it inevitably comes up in therapy. Good luck!
This is a super insightful post, thank you. It seems so obvious but it never even occurred to me to simply describe it to him as the way Iím feeling. I like that idea because I really dislike the term ďtransferenceĒ (Iíve never used that word with him but he has said it) and all those labels that come along with it.

As for your question of whatís causing the pain.. Iím not completely sure. I think itís a mixture of both of those things but probably more of the knowing that I canít have more of him. Itís such a strange concept because on the one hand I want him to be more to me than just a therapist, yet on the other hand I know that if he were to go beyond that role, I would no longer have him as a therapist, which is how I truly need him.

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Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Hi Summer-
Does he have analytic training?
Good question. To be honest Iím not sure what modalities heís trained in, heís a licensed professional counselor though. I would be surprised if he doesnít have training in that area though because of how well heís handled my previous disclosures.

Weíve talked about my attraction to him a few times; the first time I just disclosed the physical attraction and my worry that it might mean I had to get a different T. He was SO calm and reassuring that it really helped me feel more ok about having those feelings. He totally normalized it and said that itís not really unique to me or him, but more about the situation. I think it was maybe like 6 months ago I told him something pretty extreme and he didnít even freak out then. I prefaced what I said by telling him I would never ever act on it, and then told him that sometimes I feel like I need to come onto him and have him reject me in order to know heís totally safe. I mean I think if he can handle that he can most likely handle other stuff, but I just donít know where to start. I think the message I want to get across to him is how intense my feelings are and that theyíre more than just sexual now. Thereís an emotional part to it too. I guess for some reason I feel like I want him to know that these feelings are causing me a lot of emotional turmoil.
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