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Default Jan 06, 2019 at 11:54 PM
  #1
I know this story has been told here time and time again... but I literally want my therapist so badly it hurts. I’ve stuck around for 2 years thinking maybe it would get better, but my feelings only seem to be getting stronger. I’ve always had sexual feelings towards him, but now I think they are developing into more — which totally freaks me out. I don’t want to quit, he’s a good t who’s actually helped me, but I don’t want to keep feeling like this either. I feel so stuck.
He already knows a bit about the sexual stuff but nothing more.
I’m not sure how this is gonna help, but I just felt like taking about it with people here, getting it out of my head, and bouncing ideas back and forth could be beneficial.

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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 12:03 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by SummerTime12 View Post
I know this story has been told here time and time again... but I literally want my therapist so badly it hurts. I’ve stuck around for 2 years thinking maybe it would get better, but my feelings only seem to be getting stronger. I’ve always had sexual feelings towards him, but now I think they are developing into more — which totally freaks me out. I don’t want to quit, he’s a good t who’s actually helped me, but I don’t want to keep feeling like this either. I feel so stuck.
He already knows a bit about the sexual stuff but nothing more.
I’m not sure how this is gonna help, but I just felt like taking about it with people here, getting it out of my head, and bouncing ideas back and forth could be beneficial.
I just finished reading The Love Cure by John Ryan Haule. It really put things into perspective for me in this area. What was very enlightening for me was what's presented about the relationship between us and T and why maintaining distance within the union is important for both... Not just us. It gave me a sense of compassion for my T that has calmed my craziness over her some. Another thing I liked is how he also rejects the world view of boundaries and stereotypical crap we hear at the same time. It just makes everything make sense... At least for me.
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:28 AM
  #3
It sucks for sure, the weird thing for me, it has come after he left.

Since I speak to you off PC, I feel it's ok to say this, but could this possibly have to do with something in your marriage? I know you've expressed issues there before, could you and your H consider couples therapy as well? Not sure if it would help but it if it was related to that, I figure it might be worth a shot

Sadly, I've no idea what to say, other than to try and remind yourself how he has helped you and that you are both married and in this type of relationship. Sorry that you are feeling this way, I know he's been helpful for you so I can't imagine how hard this is.

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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 09:45 AM
  #4
It can be so painful. Can you talk to him a bit more about how you feel? That might help.

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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #5
If you did not have and these feelings what would your life be like? Would it be dull and gray or full of color? When I finally let go of my T I realized I was using him and the feelings to give my life something other than the dullness and drudgery that it is. I am also married.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Nemo1934 View Post
I just finished reading The Love Cure by John Ryan Haule. It really put things into perspective for me in this area. What was very enlightening for me was what's presented about the relationship between us and T and why maintaining distance within the union is important for both... Not just us. It gave me a sense of compassion for my T that has calmed my craziness over her some. Another thing I liked is how he also rejects the world view of boundaries and stereotypical crap we hear at the same time. It just makes everything make sense... At least for me.

Thanks for mentioning the book--just downloaded the Kindle version--the preview that I read was really intriguing.
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 02:27 PM
  #7
For Summer--I assume you're worried that you're developing romantic feelings along with the sexual? I agree they can be really hard to deal with, as I ultimately had some of those for my ex-marriage counselor, along with paternal transference and some sexual feelings. It was all very confusing in my head. I'd just suggest being careful in talking about romantic feelings, if that's what they are. The paternal stuff (including love feelings) were fine, and he was completely accepting of them. But when he sensed romantic love in my "I love you so much" email, that's when things shifted. (And he eventually confirmed that's why he suddenly put up more boundaries.)

Some T's can completely handle those feelings, and yours might be great with it. But it can just be a sensitive area. It might be better to try to frame it more as erotic transference. Or is it possible there's paternal stuff in there, too? It can make things feel really intense, because it's about unmet childhood needs. (I know it might seem weird if that's there along with sexual stuff, but from what I've been told, it's not that uncommon. Like how kids often fall in love with a parent.)


I am in general in favor of talking about things like that, or they can build up more. Just saying to be careful in talking about it with him. Talk about it here all you want!
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Nemo1934 View Post
I just finished reading The Love Cure by John Ryan Haule. It really put things into perspective for me in this area. What was very enlightening for me was what's presented about the relationship between us and T and why maintaining distance within the union is important for both... Not just us. It gave me a sense of compassion for my T that has calmed my craziness over her some. Another thing I liked is how he also rejects the world view of boundaries and stereotypical crap we hear at the same time. It just makes everything make sense... At least for me.

Thanks for this! I’ll take a look at it. You would think with me being a therapist intern that I would understand and be ok with my feelings but nope..
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:16 PM
  #9
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It sucks for sure, the weird thing for me, it has come after he left.


Since I speak to you off PC, I feel it's ok to say this, but could this possibly have to do with something in your marriage? I know you've expressed issues there before, could you and your H consider couples therapy as well? Not sure if it would help but it if it was related to that, I figure it might be worth a shot


Sadly, I've no idea what to say, other than to try and remind yourself how he has helped you and that you are both married and in this type of relationship. Sorry that you are feeling this way, I know he's been helpful for you so I can't imagine how hard this is.

Thank you Need to get this off my chest
I know my H and I have a lot to work on in our marriage, but I’m not totally sure if my feelings for my T are related to that or not. It’s definitely a possibility and something for me to think about. I would love to try couples therapy if my H were willing. What’s strange though is that if anything, things have been getting better between me and H recently. I constantly try to remind myself that T is married with kids and prob has plenty of flaws I don’t know about. And I also remind myself how much I love my H. But ugh sometimes that s*** just doesn’t work Need to get this off my chest
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:17 PM
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It can be so painful. Can you talk to him a bit more about how you feel? That might help.


Thank you, it really can be. I think I might try to bring it up when I see him tomorrow, though I’ve already told him a good amount... maybe too much.
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:18 PM
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If you did not have and these feelings what would your life be like? Would it be dull and gray or full of color? When I finally let go of my T I realized I was using him and the feelings to give my life something other than the dullness and drudgery that it is. I am also married.


That’s an interesting thought that never occurred to me. My instinct is to say that’s not what it is, but I’ll have to think on it more because I’m not totally sure!
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:21 PM
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Thanks for this! I’ll take a look at it. You would think with me being a therapist intern that I would understand and be ok with my feelings but nope..
Haha...I was depressed after after reading chapter 3. Then chapter 4 was redemption!
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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 08:25 PM
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For Summer--I assume you're worried that you're developing romantic feelings along with the sexual? I agree they can be really hard to deal with, as I ultimately had some of those for my ex-marriage counselor, along with paternal transference and some sexual feelings. It was all very confusing in my head. I'd just suggest being careful in talking about romantic feelings, if that's what they are. The paternal stuff (including love feelings) were fine, and he was completely accepting of them. But when he sensed romantic love in my "I love you so much" email, that's when things shifted. (And he eventually confirmed that's why he suddenly put up more boundaries.)

Some T's can completely handle those feelings, and yours might be great with it. But it can just be a sensitive area. It might be better to try to frame it more as erotic transference. Or is it possible there's paternal stuff in there, too? It can make things feel really intense, because it's about unmet childhood needs. (I know it might seem weird if that's there along with sexual stuff, but from what I've been told, it's not that uncommon. Like how kids often fall in love with a parent.)


I am in general in favor of talking about things like that, or they can build up more. Just saying to be careful in talking about it with him. Talk about it here all you want!

Yeah, for some reason the romantic feelings scare me WAY more than the sexual feelings. I’m used to having sexual feelings towards people who I wouldn’t actually act anything out with, especially older males. It happens to me really frequently. Idk if it’s from childhood issues or just because I tend to be a pretty sexual person overall.

I totally get what you mean about the paternal transference mixed with sexual/romantic. At first when I realized I had all of those feelings for him, it freaked me out. But then when I reframed the feelings as just needs that are unmet, it didn’t sound as weird. It’s like one moment I want to have sex with him, and the next moment I’m terrified that he’ll act inappropriately and prove that he’s not safe just like all the other men in my life (not referring to ALL men, just the ones I’ve grown close to who have hurt me). Sometimes I feel like I need to test him to make sure he’s safe. I confuse myself Need to get this off my chest
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 05:58 PM
  #14
So I’m gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 06:23 PM
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So I’m gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
I personally don't see the point, it seems to just make things awkward, at least for the client, going forward

BUT

if you chose to, that's your call and the best advice is write it down and have him read it there, go from there, I did that often and it helped

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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 07:27 PM
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So I’m gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
If you think it will be an open topic for exploring and really understanding with this T, then just say it in plain language & don't beat around the bush! If you think it will be automatically sterotyped into a neat little box because he's uncomfortable, that might not be a good outcome for you. You want to be seen and allowed to have things be processed in an open environment... Otherwise, what's the point in therapy?
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Default Jan 09, 2019 at 08:22 AM
  #17
I think we often try to put too many labels on feelings or thoughts, its a way of trying to understand them I guess.

I would just talk about how you feel... "I am hurting because I miss you badly" or something. Think about what the pain might be about. You say you want him so much it hurts but is it the absence of him that's causing the pain or the knowing that you can't have more of him?

I do think the only way through it, is to talk as openly as you can. It is a gamble because, as we see so often in this forum, some therapists aren't cut out for this kind of work but the alternative of keeping it to yourself isn't good either. This love stuff is really the crux of healing our past, that's why it inevitably comes up in therapy. Good luck!

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Default Jan 09, 2019 at 09:17 AM
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I think we often try to put too many labels on feelings or thoughts, its a way of trying to understand them I guess.

I would just talk about how you feel... "I am hurting because I miss you badly" or something. Think about what the pain might be about. You say you want him so much it hurts but is it the absence of him that's causing the pain or the knowing that you can't have more of him?

I do think the only way through it, is to talk as openly as you can. It is a gamble because, as we see so often in this forum, some therapists aren't cut out for this kind of work but the alternative of keeping it to yourself isn't good either. This love stuff is really the crux of healing our past, that's why it inevitably comes up in therapy. Good luck!
I love this post. Thank you.
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Default Jan 09, 2019 at 08:10 PM
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So I’m gonna see him really soon, any ideas on how to bring this up without making it super uncomfortable? Is there really a point to it?
Hi Summer-
Does he have analytic training?
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Default Jan 09, 2019 at 10:41 PM
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I personally don't see the point, it seems to just make things awkward, at least for the client, going forward

BUT

if you chose to, that's your call and the best advice is write it down and have him read it there, go from there, I did that often and it helped
Thanks DP, writing is always an option. You’re right that it def makes things awkward, but it’s also nice to have things out in the open in a way. I feel like whenever I talk to him about this stuff, I feel kinda awkward around him for that session and the next, and then it’s like it never happened haha.

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If you think it will be an open topic for exploring and really understanding with this T, then just say it in plain language & don't beat around the bush! If you think it will be automatically sterotyped into a neat little box because he's uncomfortable, that might not be a good outcome for you. You want to be seen and allowed to have things be processed in an open environment... Otherwise, what's the point in therapy?
Thank you! He has responded really well to these kinds of disclosures before, so I’m fairly certain he would handle it well again. Even though we’ve discussed my sexual feelings towards him in the past, it still feels SO difficult to bring it up each time.

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I think we often try to put too many labels on feelings or thoughts, its a way of trying to understand them I guess.

I would just talk about how you feel... "I am hurting because I miss you badly" or something. Think about what the pain might be about. You say you want him so much it hurts but is it the absence of him that's causing the pain or the knowing that you can't have more of him?

I do think the only way through it, is to talk as openly as you can. It is a gamble because, as we see so often in this forum, some therapists aren't cut out for this kind of work but the alternative of keeping it to yourself isn't good either. This love stuff is really the crux of healing our past, that's why it inevitably comes up in therapy. Good luck!
This is a super insightful post, thank you. It seems so obvious but it never even occurred to me to simply describe it to him as the way I’m feeling. I like that idea because I really dislike the term “transference” (I’ve never used that word with him but he has said it) and all those labels that come along with it.

As for your question of what’s causing the pain.. I’m not completely sure. I think it’s a mixture of both of those things but probably more of the knowing that I can’t have more of him. It’s such a strange concept because on the one hand I want him to be more to me than just a therapist, yet on the other hand I know that if he were to go beyond that role, I would no longer have him as a therapist, which is how I truly need him.

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Hi Summer-
Does he have analytic training?
Good question. To be honest I’m not sure what modalities he’s trained in, he’s a licensed professional counselor though. I would be surprised if he doesn’t have training in that area though because of how well he’s handled my previous disclosures.

We’ve talked about my attraction to him a few times; the first time I just disclosed the physical attraction and my worry that it might mean I had to get a different T. He was SO calm and reassuring that it really helped me feel more ok about having those feelings. He totally normalized it and said that it’s not really unique to me or him, but more about the situation. I think it was maybe like 6 months ago I told him something pretty extreme and he didn’t even freak out then. I prefaced what I said by telling him I would never ever act on it, and then told him that sometimes I feel like I need to come onto him and have him reject me in order to know he’s totally safe. I mean I think if he can handle that he can most likely handle other stuff, but I just don’t know where to start. I think the message I want to get across to him is how intense my feelings are and that they’re more than just sexual now. There’s an emotional part to it too. I guess for some reason I feel like I want him to know that these feelings are causing me a lot of emotional turmoil.
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