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Old 05-23-2019, 04:00 PM #1
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Trig History of transference & abusive relationships

Hello,

I could use help, lots of help. I am addicted to transference, you could say :-(. I've had many experiences of paternal transference with a romantic twist, some of which ended in destructive sexual relationships.

I should say I am not in therapy. My experiences are not with therapists, but with my professor (at the time I was still studying) and thereafter a doctor. And now with another doctor. So technically I'm not even sure if I can post this here. However, I have a deeply rooted problem with transference. I have read on this forum for years since there is no other site where I find persons that understand what I experience when I have these feelings of transference. This site has been an eye opener to me. As I never understood what was happening to me all those years, until I found this website. But understanding the problem, still doesn't help me to tackle it.

It started when I was perhaps in my early teens: I searched for father figures. It must have been a combination of maternal/paternal transference that I had and always with (much) older males. I would have dreams of my teachers taking care of me, putting me into bed, making a meal for me, cherishing me. And there was an erotic twist to those dreams also. But the main focus was the care taking aspect. It wasn't until many years later, when I found this website, that I understood I experienced severe transference as a result of issues in my past. By that time my life had taken some drastic turns already as a result of these transference issues - that no doctor or therapist really seems to understand, isn't it.
I noticed for example that when I felt emotionally abused and abandoned by family, I would instantly run to my current 'subject of transference' and try to find safety with him. To make matters worse the subjects of my transference where without exception males that were highly narcissistic. And two even had psychopathic tendencies. (I don't say this without a proper motivation; one of these persons has been prosecuted and convicted, the others accused by more persons). I feel I'm trying to set right a history of emotional abuse, picking a much older male with a strong narcissistic personality, trying to get him to love me and take care of me. I am repeating situations wherein I felt abandoned and abused in my past, to now get an abusive person to love me. It sounds as insane as it is. And it is a big recipe for disaster. My transference is often so destructive, I have to reason to fear this is something one day I won't survive.

I ended up with a chronic disease, and I feel it is the result of the severe chronic stress I experienced for many years because of this tendency.
A very brief summary: in university I ended up in a destructive romantic and sexual relationship with my professor for years. It tear me apart, it tore me down, I experienced excruciating feelings of transference that I did not understand. It ended in an enormous disaster.
I ended up with a chronic disease. I received treatment from a doctor. I clinged to him, still traumatized after what happened with my professor. The doctor started a sexual relationship with me. It was more destructive than the relationship with my professor, since this time I was dealing with a chronic disease, I felt incredibly dependent on my doctor, I felt traumatized by my relationship with the professor, and my self-confidence had taken a big hit. It was so destructive, I can not express. He threatened me around the clock since he was afraid to loose his license he said. I was very suicidal. It was a complete mess. He threatened me with different means. Ultimately I tried to file complaints but the threats worsened and the prosecutors initially seemed to believe the doctor that declared me crazy. By the time I gave them physical evidence and they finally believed me, I still felt they treated me like I was crazy, and I pulled back feeling completely traumatized. His staff and other persons around him believed him when he said I was crazy and making this up, since of course with my transference that had been sky high I had sent him lots of emails in my panic. I surely felt crazy during these relationships that were excruciatingly painful. It took me years to deal with the consequences and trauma's of this relationship that are still very much present. Among it he changed records, to make me come across as the crazy patient making this up, etcetera.

My chronic disease worsened significantly during this time. I found a fantastic doctor to treat me. The very best in his field, patients travel from all over the world to see him. He has published extensively, uses treatment options no one else use, he is the most respected doctor in his field.
When I first saw him I was surprised by his constant hugging. But it were friendly hugs, side hugs, kisses on the cheek. He did this mostly with staff present, just his personality apparently. So I got more used to it, but of course, with my history of transference: it drew me to him.
He was receptive to that and started to say things such as how "near I was for him". The drama started at those moments, since I started to see him as a father figure and to clinge more to him. This man has an incredibly narcissistic personality, described by other patients online. Indeed sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry about his comments that seem awkward at best. At a time he for one silly reason or another thought I had asked the opinion of another doctor, he started to ignore me. I mean: ignore me for 3 months while I had to schedule with him. It was a drama for me with the paternal transference I experienced. I cried weeks, months in a row, in panic trying to reach him. As I am abroad, I can do nothing but email him, or call his staff that will tell me to email him. After months of massive panic when I finally managed to break through, he let his staff sent me a short email how "I had abandoned him!!!!". Okay.... :-/
From that moment on things got from bad to worse, since I was so afraid to loose him after this incident that I clinged to him. He had a tendency to again ignore me for months, and then toss in another comment how he never meant to loose me, and draw me in again, and then the ignoring started again. When I would see him for treatment he was full of hugs, and pulling me close, and saying how I would always be his patient again, and my emotions were a roller coaster guided by both deep hurt and paternal transference.
I started to use a bit of make-up (normally I use none) and dress up a bit more when I saw him. He would start to make comments, saying how "very attractive" I was. Instead of his normal side hugs, he now in absence of his staff, started to give me quick full body hugs.
Transference intensified, and our relationship worsened. He started to ignore me completely if I tried to schedule, I started to email him like a maniac as a result, which resulted in him pulling back further. In the first 1,5 years his motivation was that he said I had seen another doctor. (Indeed, after his constant ignoring I had been so out of my wit's that I had consulted with another doctor). After years of this, he now said my frequent emailing was the culprit. (And my emailing was the result of this constant fear he abandoned me after his 1,5 years of ignoring, trying to get the confirmation he had not abandoned me). Then I would manage to get in, he would hug me, tell me how he would always want to help me and how attractive I was, and I was completely mesmerized again, to be ignored months again when I tried to schedule. It became a destructive pattern.

Ultimately after another (to me excruciating) 1,5 month of ignoring I called his staff. They tried to connect me to him, but he refused to speak to me. He ordered his staff to tell me I had 'offended him', and he never wanted to speak to me again. Apparently he accused me of making a comment on the internet. Indeed I had asked for help online by this time, since I was convinced he had abandoned me and I did not know how to find a doctor with the same experience and using similar treatment options. Mind you, I had not even mentioned the name of my treating doctor. But still he had found out, and was so angry that he abandoned me permanently now.

I became completely suicidal, my paternal transference was at an all time high. Not to mention: there is no better doctor in this field and I can not loose him as my doctor. I don't say this without ground, this is really the case. No doctor has experience in the treatment options he uses.
Ultimately I just traveled to him from abroad without appointment in complete panic. He had also not told me how any other doctor could take over my care, and I was completely broken.
When he saw me he came walking to me with a smile again. I was as broken as I could be. I grabbed his hands and begged him not to do this to me. He summoned his colleague to leave the room so we were alone. I teared up and asked him not to abandon me with the disease problems I had. I was in so much panic I hugged him around his neck (as he had done in the past with me). However, I now held on to him tight, truly afraid to loose him. He promised me he would not abandon me.

He walked out of the room to talk to a patient, summoning me to wait. He came walking back in later, closing the door behind him. I reminded him of his promise, that he would not abandon me with my disease problems and no proper treatment options. He said again now, that he was not sure if I could stay his patient. I teared up and hugged him again. He held me for a while with my face pressed against his chest. He confirmed again I would stay his patient.
It ended in him saying how "very very attractive I was". He stroked my lower leg and kept repeating I was 'so so attractive'. Then out of nowhere he kissed me on my lips. It went so quickly and we were so close hugging already, that it seemed almost natural. There seemed nothing abusive about it to me at the time. It didn't seem any different from a normal handshake for one reason or another. He acted so fast and as if nothing happened. He then said I was 'so so so attractive, he was afraid to touch me'. He kept staring at me. We hugged again, and he did the same thing two times: a quick, nonchalant kiss on my lips. He then said he would have his receptionist call me to see if he could still be my doctor after the frequent emailing. But he thought I could. He was just not sure. The entire 'consult' full of hugs and physical contact lasted 40 minutes.
He left me startled. I felt at an all time high, my transference was at an all time high, I felt deeply attracted to him in mostly a paternal way. But then I left, and started to fear his abandonment again. And the fact I can not reach or contact him, since I know that if I email him I will certainly loose him as my doctor. And I don't even know if I will see him again. I feel abhorrent now.

I can honestly not loose this man as my doctor. I don't say this because of my transference. I say this as there is truly not a better doctor. If you ask other doctors whom they refer their family members to, it is him. He has published extensively and is a genius.

I don't think he is a 'patient abuser'. He seemed a bit overtaken by the situation also. I can honestly say I have never seen him as distracted as during our meeting with all the physical contact. He seemed truly surprised that I hugged him and seemed to be drawn to him (in what he apparently thought were romantic ways). But this constant threat of his abandonment kills me. Not to mention the fact I feel 'in love' now. Which is ridiculous since this man clearly is not in love with me, and just felt attracted to me when it suited him.

I am not sure what to do. But I am afraid I won't survive it if he abandons me. The suggestion to file a complaint against him, is useless to me. I've been through the complaint process with my previous doctor that had a sexual relationship with me. I only filed complaints since he threatened me or I would not have done so. This complaint process was so so traumatizing I would never do that again. I pulled back halfway through.
Plus with this doctor: with all my emailing I will quickly be declared crazy, and no one would believe me. Not to mention: I don't want to hurt him. So in that sense filing a complaint is also not even on my mind.
Also: should I not by now start to realize I am the one to blame? A relationship with my professor (that turned out to have done that before), with one doctor (that turned out to have done that repeatedly), and now this awkward thing with my newer doctor. This is telling about me. I am doing this with my transference.

The thing is, I need help. But I don't know what or where. I don't have a lot of trust in psychotherapy, seeing how many patients here with transference don't seem to be helped by that. Unless I would find a therapist with lots and lots of experience with a patience that has very deep-rooted transference issues. I'm afraid these transference issues will be my death. I know this sounds insane, but it tends to end in such destructive relationships that I end up wanting to end my life. With on top of it a chronic disease that erases my self-confidence the entire sequence is utterly destructive. (Not to mention the severe anxiety my transference issues cause me, is worsening my disease outcome). How can I stop this?
What can I do?
Can someone please help me?
Thank you, and sorry for this enormously long story.

Last edited by bluekoi; 05-24-2019 at 10:41 AM. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 05-24-2019, 11:32 AM #2
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Default Re: History of transference & abusive relationships

ďAlso: should I not by now start to realize I am the one to blame? A relationship with my professor (that turned out to have done that before), with one doctor (that turned out to have done that repeatedly), and now this awkward thing with my newer doctor. This is telling about me. I am doing this with my transference. ď

Lets remember that you were seeing him for help with some of the things that you wanted to change...He was responsible for safeguarding your welfare no matter what...not the other way around...

You are a step ahead of many. You realize you have transference and/or attachment issues.

This doctor is not good for you no matter his expertise or treatment methods, especially if his constant abandonment causes you such torment that you are questioning taking your life. He is a threat to your health and a waste of time, affection and money.

Iím hoping you will find another treating doctor and also see a female therapist who is knowledgeable and comfortable treating a client with attachment issues.

Good luck.
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Old 05-24-2019, 12:01 PM #3
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Default Re: History of transference & abusive relationships

Maybe it's time to find a female doctor/therapist?
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Old 05-24-2019, 03:08 PM #4
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Trig Re: History of transference & abusive relationships

Thank you, but I can really not loose him as my doctor. I have a rare chronic (physical) systemic disease with involvement of different organs. My physical health is heavily impacted by this disease, my future is on the line, and it has been very difficult to find a good doctor. There are very few specialists that have such experience with this disease. This doctor is known as the best doctor in the world in his specific field. Doctors come fly in from all over the world to train with him, patients fly in from all over the world. It has felt incredibly stressful that I risked loosing him as my doctor, and it was one of the reasons his constant threat of abandonment caused me such anxiety and that I tried to reach him in panic to stop that from happening.
That, and the paternal transference of course.

Add to that that I am in chronic physical pain. I have lost most of my life as I knew it: my apartment, my friends, my normal work life, anything that makes me happy. My family doesn't understand the anxiety my disease brings up. And the brief moments of affection this doctor has given me over the past 2 years I have been his patient, have been my only moments of happiness. The thought of that was the only thing I still woke up for and tried to get through the day for. I know that sounds as pathetic as it is, but alas, it is as is :-(. He was like a father figure to me, even with all the abandonment. Since the moments he saw me, he would hug me and say how special I was to him,, how attractive I was, etc.
For years when I cried myself to sleep I dreamed that he held me (not in an erotic way). So that I was not alone with all the fear and anxiety of what had happened with the other doctor, and with the disease I have. And now he held me all throughout that consult and kissed me 3 times on my lips. I can not loose him. Then I have nothing anymore that makes it worth for me to live.

I have not emailed him since our consult earlier this week. I feel anxious and have been on the verge of sending him an email to ask him to please do as he promised me when he held me in his arms, and not abandon me. But I'm afraid it will backfire and that he will be angry that I emailed and will be more inclined to abandon me. So I don't email. He said his secretary will call me next week to let me know if he can still treat me. I'm afraid for that phone call.
If his secretary tells me next week he does not want me in his practice anymore, I will crash. When it happened this week that she said he dismissed me from his practice
Possible trigger:
I was crying for days and did not eat for days. My disease was flaring up a lot. I can not loose him.

I am afraid all the physical contact, his comments, and his kisses in our last consult this week, will make him more afraid to keep me as his patient. I am very afraid he is currently making up a plan to dismiss me from his practice because of it. Since I became too much of a liability after that last consult. I would honestly be completely, completely broken if that happens. I can't loose him. He has a clean track record after having been in practice for almost 40 years. He really can't use such a situation ruining his reputation, so perhaps he will try to dismiss me out of fear for the liability issues I bring up?

I have told no one about our physical contact as I have no one to talk to. But I'm feeling completely at a loss. I hugged him since I was afraid to loose him as my doctor, and as a result my paternal transference was at an all time high. He quickly translated that into some kind of sexual attraction we both experienced. But I don't think I feel attracted to him sexually. Although if on the other hand physical contact is the only thing that keeps him from dismissing him, I would not hesitate. I just don't know what can keep him from dismissing me. Had I not hugged him and had we not had such a consult with all the physical contact, he would have abandoned me this week already. But now I'm unsure if the physical contact will actually be another reason to abandon me. I'm a mess and don't know what to think anymore :-/.

Last edited by bluekoi; 05-24-2019 at 08:15 PM. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Old 05-24-2019, 03:12 PM #5
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Default Re: History of transference & abusive relationships

And yes, true, I should seek a therapist. But after reading here the past few years it seem very few therapist understand these deeply rooted transference issues. I've called around a bit and most therapists I contacted just instantly said they could not help me when I mentioned attachment issues and transference. I live in a smaller country so it is not that easy finding therapists with a lot of experience in this.

I would indeed prefer a female therapist. I should say though, I've seen a male psychiatrist years ago (while I was dealing with the relationship with my professor), and I experienced no transference with him at all. Since he was kind and understanding, and I just don't experience transference with persons that are kind and understanding to me. I really need a dominant male with a bit of narcissistic tendencies to experience such transference. As mentioned, I think it is because I'm trying to set right past situations of emotional abuse, by trying to make an emotionally abusive older male to love me. I can't say that awkward tendency has brought me a lot of success thus far:-(.
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Old 05-25-2019, 01:47 PM #6
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Default Re: History of transference & abusive relationship

Rachelle,

It does sound like a difficult situation. I can relate to having attachment issues with people who are not good for me.

Your doctor trains others in his methods and expertise, you say. So there *are* other doctors out there familiar with his modalities and able to treat you, right?
I can understand these other doctors may not be easy to see, but they are there, somewhere.

So would it be correct to say the main reason you donít want to find a different doctor is your attachment/transference issues with him?

You say he gives you a bit of happiness but he also keeps you in a loop of abandonment/acceptance. A person who genuinely cared about you would *not* be treating you this way. He does not really love you- or even care for you- in my opinion. He may be trying to keep you just happy enough so you donít report him. Meanwhile, heís building a case trying to prove your instability. You want him to help heal your disease but this emotional quandary keeps you in a near-constant state of anxiety. Even now, you fear he may terminate you over the intimacies that occurred the last time or two you saw him?

Iím not sure I would let any health professional absolutely determine how my life turns out this way. You are feeling out of control. Perhaps you need to take back the control and terminate him?

I would be interested to learn if his medical license has been sanctioned for misconduct with any other patient. Usually, when doctors exploit patients in the ways you are being exploited, they have more than one victim.. There are probably other victims. Some may not have come forward yet.

In my case, I was the second of seven women to come forward. None of us realized the others existed until one of the seven found the courage to report him.

Last edited by precaryous; 05-25-2019 at 02:21 PM.
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Old 05-25-2019, 03:13 PM #7
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Default Re: History of transference & abusive relationship

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Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
Rachelle,

It does sound like a difficult situation. I can relate to having attachment issues with people who are not good for me.

Your doctor trains others in his methods and expertise, you say. So there *are* other doctors out there familiar with his modalities and able to treat you, right?
I can understand these other doctors may not be easy to see, but they are there, somewhere.

So would it be correct to say the main reason you donít want to find a different doctor is your attachment/transference issues with him?

You say he gives you a bit of happiness but he also keeps you in a loop of abandonment/acceptance. A person who genuinely cared about you would *not* be treating you this way. He does not really love you- or even care for you- in my opinion. He may be trying to keep you just happy enough so you donít report him. Meanwhile, heís building a case trying to prove your instability. You want him to help heal your disease but this emotional quandary keeps you in a near-constant state of anxiety. Even now, you fear he may terminate you over the intimacies that occurred the last time or two you saw him?

Iím not sure I would let any health professional absolutely determine how my life turns out this way. You are feeling out of control. Perhaps you need to take back the control and terminate him?

I would be interested to learn if his medical license has been sanctioned for misconduct with any other patient. Usually, when doctors exploit patients in the ways you are being exploited, they have more than one victim.. There are probably other victims. Some may not have come forward yet.

In my case, I was the second of seven women to come forward. None of us realized the others existed until one of the seven found the courage to report him.
Precaryous, you have no idea how much I appreciate your response. I fell in such a depression. I am sorry you also have attachment issues with people that are not good for you.
After being in such an enmeshed relationship with as base paternal transference twice now., the only way out of the excruciating pain is leaving and never looking back. Stopping all contact. Erasing everything related to him, etc. I do realize that.
This time however, the situation is really different. This doctor does indeed train other doctors. But whereas other doctors have used his treatment perhaps on a few patients, this doctor has used it on thousands of patients. He invented this particular treatment. Going to another doctor to get this treatment would make it a very experimental treatment, whereas my current doctor has published a lot about this, invented the treatments he uses. I would really not dare to undergo this treatment with someone else.

I don't say this because of my attachment issues. I say this because this is a known fact, my doctor is worldwide appraised for this treatment. It is also the reason I have hit myself on the head and been extremely upset with myself that I have managed to end up in this situation with my current doctor. Since I really can not loose him as my doctor.
Believe me, I wish I could walk out of this. Since I know nothing good can come out of these attachment/transference issues and these relationship are very damaging. I know also the only way to stop it is to walk out of this. And I really wish I could do that. It would hurt for a while, but it would be better than enduring this painful situation.

However the only option I see now, is that I control my transference somehow 100% and try to somehow get back to a normal doctor-patient relationship again. I really don't know how, but I must.
Today (the stupid idiot I am) I sent him an email to ask him please to at least let me know if he abandoned me or not, explaining how important his treatment is for my disease progress and how I realize I can not find a more capable doctor. I deliberately said nothing about the physical contact and kisses since I feared he may take it as blaming him, or feel annoyed if I mentioned, or see me as a liability.
I know he checks his email constantly. Of course, I was ignored. I felt sick from hurt and pain, and felt/feel like I want to end everything. After he basically held me 40 minutes in his arms during our consult and kissed me 3 times on my lips, and stupid me for 3 days thought of him, the realization he could care less if I exist or not has felt soul wrenching. The thought he held me in his arms and kissed me and now may abandon me as his patient without a word feels so hurtful, I can not explain. I want to write him why he does this after holding and kissing me, but I know I must not do this!!

I need to somehow stop those feelings of transference I have for him. And as you say, I should realize he just does not care about me. I'm going to try to never email him anymore and hope and pray he'll take me back as his patient.
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Old 05-25-2019, 08:50 PM #8
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Hi Rachelle,

I have been in a similar situation with a mental health professional so, maybe I am projecting my experience onto yours. I hate to see this happening to you.

My experience was- we were never able to go back to MH professional and client after the intimacies (and before I realized how harmful they were to me). We tried to return to psychotherapy and the issues that brought me to see him in the first place- but sessions became all about my anxiety, confusion when the intimacies abruptly stopped and his not explaining...he was never able to be helpful as my therapist again. He was so frustrated I would not let it go...but I was confused! He was so frustrated, he lied and made devastating comments and allegations about me. He convinced his receptionist I was unstable- dangerous, even. So I do relate to your story quite a bit.

Maybe you will be able to quiet your transference/attachment feelings toward him. But what will you do if he initiates hugs, kisses and more? Will you be afraid to refuse him? Will you welcome them? I fear his exploitation will hurt you even more.

What if he does terminate you? You would need to seek the help of another doctor about your chronic health condition anyway.

Are you willing to let him have this much power over you?
How much is he hurting you vs. how much is he helping you?

Is he helping you with the issues that brought you to treatment? Heís certainly given you more issues and problems to deal with.

Iím sorry you are seeing such an unethical doctor. Is he old..could he have dementia?
Knowing what I know now, I would run, not walk away from this unhealthy relationship.

Please, seek the help of an ethical female therapist who can help you unravel all of this.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
Hi Rachelle,
My experience was- we were never able to go back to MH professional and client after the intimacies (and before I realized how harmful they were to me). We tried to return to psychotherapy and the issues that brought me to see him in the first place- but sessions became all about my anxiety, confusion when the intimacies abruptly stopped and his not explaining...he was never able to be helpful as my therapist again. He was so frustrated I would not let it go...but I was confused! He was so frustrated, he lied and made devastating comments and allegations about me. He convinced his receptionist I was unstable- dangerous, even. So I do relate to your story quite a bit.
.
Oh I'm so sorry to hear this, Precaryous. I know how excruciatingly painful this is at least partially, but it must be a lot more damaging to experience that with a therapist that knows your deepest secrets. I'm so sorry you had to go through that :-(. I experienced a similar thing, albeit I do realize with a doctor that is not a therapist it is different and less intense. But I found it one of the most damaging things of the entire relationship. In my relationship with the previous doctor we tried to get back to a "normal relationship" when the intimacies abruptly stopped. In my case he did explain, he would tell me he was not interested in me anymore. Or that he made a mistake to get into a sexual relationship with me, he didn't find me attractive and liked voluptuous girls. It was devastating to me after all the previous sexual encounters in which he would call me 'little lover'. I turned to self-harming (something I had never done), I visualized su**cide nearly every day. I was alone living abroad and had no friends or family. If I spoke to family they didn't want to hear from me and when they heard about this relationship they said it was my own fault. I was completely at a loss. I tried to make him want me again as my self-confidence had taken such an enormous hit. This made him accuse me of trying to continue a relationship he did not want, and he later used this against me to prove he had never had a sexual relationship with me but that I just had tried to seduce him. It was excruciatingly painful. I was renting an apartment and crying so much the neighbors warned the rental company they were worried since they always heard me cry. I also recognize the fabricated stories that as a crazy patient I made up the entire relationship. By the time I received my records I could see how he had written in them that he had had a meeting with a staff member discussing I was crazy, etc. This meeting had taken place at the same time we were sleeping together (one day before another sexual encounter we had, in fact). It went a lot further, out of fear to be recognized I can not elaborate, but it has caused deep trauma's. In records he also wrote I had tried to come on to him and when he rejected me I became an eratic woman. It was immensely traumatizing to read the records. When they were sent to the prosecutors I wanted to disappear from shame. It was no wonder it took them quite some time (and strings of emails I had to forward) before they believed I spoke the truth about this sexual relationship.
Fast forward, years later, I received a document written by a private investigator. This doctor had been involved in many lawsuits and one of the plaintiffs happened to have hired a private investigator to follow him. They learned about his sexual encounters with different patients this way and that staff joked he took his patients from the consultation room to the bedroom. But this man intimidates people in many different ways and up to this day he has never been prosecuted for any of these sexual relationships with patients.
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Talking Re: History of transference & abusive relationships

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Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
Hi Rachelle,

Maybe you will be able to quiet your transference/attachment feelings toward him. But what will you do if he initiates hugs, kisses and more? Will you be afraid to refuse him? Will you welcome them? I fear his exploitation will hurt you even more.

What if he does terminate you? You would need to seek the help of another doctor about your chronic health condition anyway.

Are you willing to let him have this much power over you?
How much is he hurting you vs. how much is he helping you?

Is he helping you with the issues that brought you to treatment? Heís certainly given you more issues and problems to deal with.

Iím sorry you are seeing such an unethical doctor. Is he old..could he have dementia?
Knowing what I know now, I would run, not walk away from this unhealthy relationship.

Please, seek the help of an ethical female therapist who can help you unravel all of this.
He is older, yes, he is quite close to his 70's. Your comment if he has dementia gave me a good laugh Precaryous . If he would hear that he would be immensely angry. I can just imagine his face now . No, he has certainly no dementia. He is very intelligent and keen and has a good memory for his age, I must say.

I don't think he will initiate more kisses. He will hug me, yes. I know since in the past I twice emailed him to ask him not to hug me anymore. In the session that followed he gave me several full body hugs, so it didn't impress him I guess . I don't think he will kiss me again if I don't initiate a hug myself. This last encounter I was in so much despair he wanted to abandon me that I held his hands and hugged him around his neck out of despair. I think that made him think I felt attracted to him and initiate the kisses, and I don't believe he would repeat that if I would not hug him myself. It is just this darn transference makes me dream about his hugs and kisses, and that is what I need to stop somehow instantly.

"What if he does terminate you? You would need to seek the help of another doctor about your chronic health condition anyway.

Are you willing to let him have this much power over you?
How much is he hurting you vs. how much is he helping you?

Is he helping you with the issues that brought you to treatment? Heís certainly given you more issues and problems to deal with."

If he terminates me, I will be completely devastated and likely become s**cidal again. But I'm going to not email anymore and hope and pray he doesn't do that. He has had this much power over me during the years I was his patient already, since he has kept this abandonment hanging above me as the Sword of Damocles for years. Ever since he first thought I had consulted with other doctors, which he said was an offence to him. So I know he has all the power in this relationship. I just hope that somehow we can get in a normal modality again where I can call his secretary and just schedule my appointments, without further having to email him. His secretary in the past wouldn't let me schedule, as he told her not to schedule me. (Because as said, the first 1,5 years he said I offended him suggesting I had seen another doctor. And then when I started emailing him in panic after he ignored me for months each time, later he changed that to the argument that i had emailed too often).
Yes, when he is treating me he is helping me with my disease. He is exceptionally good in his work. I wish he was not, since then I would have left. But he is truly a very gifted doctor when it comes to his treatment results at least, as many patients know.
Precaryous, I thank you again for having read my long posts, and having responded to them. You must have been the first person that has listened to me and that understands the pain this causes. That means a lot to me, thank you.

Indeed I need mental help. I emailed a psychologist in my country that had published about attachment issues. Indeed she is a female psychologist, as I prefer. (Albeit admittedly I had a male psychiatrist in the past and I had no transference issues with him at all. Since I usually don't feel transference with males that are kind and understanding). She has not responded as of yet, but perhaps she will respond after the weekend. In the past though, when I searched help for this, and openly told the therapist I was searching for help with intense transference issues I experienced with males in authoritarian positions, they instantly told me they could not help me. It seemed a bit to me as if they did not want to work with someone with such problems.
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