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Old 02-24-2019, 10:02 PM #11
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

Sorry, this will sound ridiculous but I think we love our t's cause of what they represent. Now picture him doing something disgusting like picking his nose......still love him?
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Old 02-24-2019, 10:11 PM #12
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calla lily12 View Post
Sorry, this will sound ridiculous but I think we love our t's cause of what they represent. Now picture him doing something disgusting like picking his nose......still love him?
Yes actually
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Old 02-24-2019, 10:17 PM #13
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat View Post
Abuse yes sexual a big gray question mark. Iíll never really know for sure

With my t in CA I didnít mind the attraction to him. It was a pleasant warm
Buzz but I didnít desire it to come to fruition.

I feel like I really know my latest t. I still only see him at his best so Iím realistic about that. It just doesnít seem fair that Iíd hit it off so well with someone I will never have a chance with. That it wonít go anywhere frustrates me.

I still come to pc but my t has been criticized here yet has never done anything I think is inappropriate. Others disagree. Our therapy is unorthodox but still has boundaries.

Even if he were a rigid t I think might have happened anyways. I donít know how to appreciate what I have and not long for more

The feelings of Envy. I get you. Unrequited love.

I think of that with my T too. I'm happy he has everything but I feel envious. Had everything going for me and screwed it all up, well I had trauma and depression so forgive myself...but feel opportunities have passed in a bad way.

It might help you get where you want to be though? It's not too late to get what you want. Maybe working through this could get you closer to where you want to be?
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Old 02-24-2019, 10:21 PM #14
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

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I donít know how to appreciate what I have and not long for more
That speaks of having guilt for your envious feelings. Sounds like oedipal complex.

Your envy will not harm him, it's ok to be envious. Give yourself a break. He will understand.
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Old 02-24-2019, 10:30 PM #15
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

I cant find that quote. Are you truly appreciating what you have? You ARE allowed to have it, and delight in it. Wanting more kinda keeps you from enjoying it, doesnt it? "Eating your cake and having it too" is actually the true order of the expression. What we get in t is symbolic - mine was, anyway. Like several winters of t wrapping my scarf around my neck. Literally, mom never did. Doesnt your inner child need anything? I feel like men could tell.
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Old 02-25-2019, 03:11 AM #16
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

I hear you. I hate myself for wanting more and I know nothing will ever happen. I don't want to ruin our therapy, so I wish I could just make those feelings go away. I don't know how.

He's happily married, I'm lonely and miserable. I hope he loves me platonically (I doubt, but I hope), but deep down I wish he felt something more. I know it's wrong. I know it would ruin everything. It's so confusing. I know it's not about him, it's about me - I want to be loved, so I seek it from the only person in my life I can truly trust.

I should tell him, but I won't. Sorry for being useless, just wanted to send you some hugs and support. You're not alone.
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Old 02-25-2019, 04:30 AM #17
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

I can handle the erotic transference that comes about when a different part is in the drivers seat. What kills me the most is the need and desire to be cared by him like he is my father and I am a young child. That is the most aching feeling and it makes me grieve so intensely. To me that is shameful as I am at least 15 years older than him.
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When a childís emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the childís development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Old 02-25-2019, 07:39 AM #18
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calla lily12 View Post
Sorry, this will sound ridiculous but I think we love our t's cause of what they represent. Now picture him doing something disgusting like picking his nose......still love him?
I think many do love them for what they represent but not all. Some clients do actually get to know their T's on a quite personal level, so I'd say, it then becomes they love the person they have gotten to know, as with any relationship

That being said... my T outright yelled at me. Got pissy several times in the time we had together, often talked about his ways of dealing with things they were not that pleasant, complained about other people, told me that his dad was a very angry man and "I got a lot of that from him" and yet, 100% still love him

He left me, he cut me out of his life and showed 0 emotion when I was sobbing in the final sessions. He seemed very cold. I 100% still love him

I have always seen people as flawed, I never expect perfection from anyone. I actually look for flaws in people sometimes. I try to embrace that part of them.

I know growly outside PC and I know her and her T have a very out there relationship as far as in comparison to anything I read here. It works for her, so I am cool with it. However it's very possible, she does know him very well... and maybe she has seen some not so good things in him or he's talked about them



OP-- As for your question, I sadly have no idea how... but I will send you a message that might help you. I just don't feel comfortable sharing it here.
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Old 02-25-2019, 10:52 AM #19
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

DP2017 I'm so sorry your relationship was so up and down, but still, you loved him. That says a lot about you as a person. You're kind and forgiving.. Who am I to say what's harmful? I don't know everyone's circumstance. So, it is what it is. Only the person in the relationship can say if it's good or bad.
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Old 02-25-2019, 04:13 PM #20
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Default Re: How to make those feelings go away

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Originally Posted by Calla lily12 View Post
DP2017 I'm so sorry your relationship was so up and down, but still, you loved him. That says a lot about you as a person. You're kind and forgiving.. Who am I to say what's harmful? I don't know everyone's circumstance. So, it is what it is. Only the person in the relationship can say if it's good or bad.
Thanks for that non judgmental reply. I appreciate that
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