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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 06:04 PM
  #21
I don't know, I really don't know but I like Unaluna's take - they can't all be that attractive, right?

If you were the child of a narcissist, google echoism. Among other things that ring true for me, there's something about being stuck in an unrequited love situation/pattern. I keep thinking about breaking patterns that become stuck or changing the script. Some say that you have to re-experience the pain before change can happen, I don't know that I agree.

But yeah, talk and chip away.

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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 07:53 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by TeaVicar? View Post
I don't know, I really don't know but I like Unaluna's take - they can't all be that attractive, right?

If you were the child of a narcissist, google echoism. Among other things that ring true for me, there's something about being stuck in an unrequited love situation/pattern. I keep thinking about breaking patterns that become stuck or changing the script. Some say that you have to re-experience the pain before change can happen, I don't know that I agree.

But yeah, talk and chip away.
Thanks. I did google echoism and I do have a narcissist father. And I am a people pleaser. I’m trying to connect that to my situation with t but not seeing the thread?
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 08:28 PM
  #23
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Thanks. I did google echoism and I do have a narcissist father. And I am a people pleaser. I’m trying to connect that to my situation with t but not seeing the thread?
I thought your T sharing more would decrease the chance for the erotic transference, but it does seem to be different with everyone. Some people develop more transference, some less.

My T was rather blank slate, which I think actually (though unintentionally) encouraged my erotic transference since I never had a relationship with my father given he was totally unavailable. So a repetition of my past. (I refer to oedipal complex, but that's just symbolism to having never had a relationship with my father).

Have you identified ways you may be repeating your past?
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 08:45 PM
  #24
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... But it’s confusing. I find myself resenting his decades of having a happy family. I don’t want to resent him either. I know I just don’t want to feel this way. It doesn’t have an off switch
Have you talked about these feelings with him? Is he able to discuss them without taking it personally? Cuz its really more about you than him.
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 09:00 PM
  #25
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I thought your T sharing more would decrease the chance for the erotic transference, but it does seem to be different with everyone. Some people develop more transference, some less.

My T was rather blank slate, which I think actually (though unintentionally) encouraged my erotic transference since I never had a relationship with my father given he was totally unavailable. So a repetition of my past. (I refer to oedipal complex, but that's just symbolism to having never had a relationship with my father).

Have you identified ways you may be repeating your past?
This happened with my last t but that t was more of a blank slate so that’s why I thought it happened last time. It never happened the 15-20 years before that with others.

I did not grow up with the love and attention I needed. So there is that I guess Not really a repeating pattern just latching onto finally getting a form of love and attention
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 09:47 PM
  #26
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Thanks for that non judgmental reply. I appreciate that
I hope you know I was just kidding when I made that remark about still loving him when he does something disgusting. I'm sorry if I hurt you .

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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 10:01 PM
  #27
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This happened with my last t but that t was more of a blank slate so that’s why I thought it happened last time. It never happened the 15-20 years before that with others.

I did not grow up with the love and attention I needed. So there is that I guess Not really a repeating pattern just latching onto finally getting a form of love and attention
So you were kind of caught off guard, I see.

Ya know mumy sexual feelings were such a mix and didn't all come from the same source. Sometimes it was just from feeling cared about or nurtured rather than any special meaning.

From what you said it seems your disress is less about the actual physical feelings and more about the feelings of envy.

So even if the physical feelings pass, the emotional may still be there? Or the physical is a reminder of the emotional, so when the physical component goes away, the emotional can then be avoided?
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 10:18 PM
  #28
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I hope you know I was just kidding when I made that remark about still loving him when he does something disgusting. I'm sorry if I hurt you .
You didn’t hurt me you gave me a chuckle. I’ve seen him eat a hard boiled egg with his mouth open. But yeah gross but still love him
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 10:25 PM
  #29
I’ve been really upset and t called me tonight. It finally came up and although we talked around it or I talked around it he guessed what my issue is. Thankfully he thank me for caring about him so much and he knows I won’t break boundaries. He reminded me that there are rules. Strangely not “I’m not attracted to you” (although I’m pretty sure he isn’t). Or even “I’m married “ (which I already know he is). Just that we know that rules are in place that we must follow.

If he can fit me in tomorrow we will talk about it. I’m
Nervous but thankful he didn’t say the obvious in a way that hurts like hell.
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 10:46 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by growlycat View Post
I’ve been really upset and t called me tonight. It finally came up and although we talked around it or I talked around it he guessed what my issue is. Thankfully he thank me for caring about him so much and he knows I won’t break boundaries. He reminded me that there are rules. Strangely not “I’m not attracted to you” (although I’m pretty sure he isn’t). Or even “I’m married “ (which I already know he is). Just that we know that rules are in place that we must follow.

If he can fit me in tomorrow we will talk about it. I’m
Nervous but thankful he didn’t say the obvious in a way that hurts like hell.
Not really that strange, is it? That’s the sort of thing you say to someone you meet and know casually who then asks you out. Or the person in the hotel bar when you’re at a conference who hits on you.

They’re not things you say to someone you know well and care about.
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 10:54 PM
  #31
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Originally Posted by growlycat View Post
I’ve been really upset and t called me tonight. It finally came up and although we talked around it or I talked around it he guessed what my issue is. Thankfully he thank me for caring about him so much and he knows I won’t break boundaries. He reminded me that there are rules. Strangely not “I’m not attracted to you” (although I’m pretty sure he isn’t). Or even “I’m married “ (which I already know he is). Just that we know that rules are in place that we must follow.

If he can fit me in tomorrow we will talk about it. I’m
Nervous but thankful he didn’t say the obvious in a way that hurts like hell.
So far, so good. Great.
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Default Feb 25, 2019 at 11:14 PM
  #32
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Thanks for that non judgmental reply. I appreciate that
dP, you know you and I have some different experiences, but I just want to say that I don't know how people could judge you for loving him! Love is a feeling- I don't think you choose it!
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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 05:51 PM
  #33
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Thanks. I did google echoism and I do have a narcissist father. And I am a people pleaser. I’m trying to connect that to my situation with t but not seeing the thread?
It's impossible to have a mutually loving relationship with a narcissist because they only see themselves. they don't see us. So it is experienced as an unrequited love, we love but we aren't loved back. Maybe that's partly what is being replayed in therapy? Not because the T is a narcissist (though I think quite a few are) but it's the pain that we're seeking on some level to replay... maybe to process the original pain??

It's great that he has acknowledged your feelings. that's a good sign already.

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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 06:08 PM
  #34
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Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
I thought your T sharing more would decrease the chance for the erotic transference, but it does seem to be different with everyone. Some people develop more transference, some less.

My T was rather blank slate, which I think actually (though unintentionally) encouraged my erotic transference since I never had a relationship with my father given he was totally unavailable. So a repetition of my past. (I refer to oedipal complex, but that's just symbolism to having never had a relationship with my father).

Have you identified ways you may be repeating your past?
Absolutely the same here. The lack of self disclosure intensified my ET for sure. He became less real and more of a fantasy in my head. But isn't that the original reason for the more traditional style, because it brings out "the transference/s", which can then be worked on? I think it's a very outdated method and a bit of a contradiction, when you think about past trauma's that are supposed to be helped by therapy. I felt as though I was replaying my early traumas for a long time, while dealing with ET/attachment.

sorry to derail!

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Default Feb 28, 2019 at 11:20 PM
  #35
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Absolutely the same here. The lack of self disclosure intensified my ET for sure. He became less real and more of a fantasy in my head. But isn't that the original reason for the more traditional style, because it brings out "the transference/s", which can then be worked on? I think it's a very outdated method and a bit of a contradiction, when you think about past trauma's that are supposed to be helped by therapy. I felt as though I was replaying my early traumas for a long time, while dealing with ET/attachment.
Yes, I agree that is the method of the madness.

But about the point of outdatedness--It was difficult with my trauma history, but I find that method changed my cognitive structure. I don't think of it as outdated at all. Kind of like-people have been eating eggs for centuries. Aren't they still just as useful?

New stuff is often recycled old stuff used to market and sell anyway.
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Default Mar 01, 2019 at 06:20 AM
  #36
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Yes, I agree that is the method of the madness.

But about the point of outdatedness--It was difficult with my trauma history, but I find that method changed my cognitive structure. I don't think of it as outdated at all. Kind of like-people have been eating eggs for centuries. Aren't they still just as useful?

New stuff is often recycled old stuff used to market and sell anyway.
In what way did it change your cognitive structure?

I guess it depends whether you like eggs in the first place and how you like to eat them

No therapist can be a blank slate - they have pictures on the walls, they wear clothes, they have things on their desk, they use a certain pen, they have a car outside etc. All of these things conjure up a person with a personality.

My issue with the traditional psychoanalytic method, is that it already makes the work even harder to start with. It's harder to build trust, harder to be open and honest and I think it makes the process more painful than it could be, with a slightly softer approach. In my view, it creates unnecessary additional suffering. I also think that the emphasis on fostering an environment for transference to blossom/fester is misplaced because undoubtedly things will happen or go wrong or the therapist will wear funny socks or something, and all of these things will have an effect and will create feelings in the client. So why not create an open conversation about something and deal with those feelings there and then? Obviously I don't mean that the therapist should blab about their entire life but revealing nothing is also an extreme. What about the middle ground?

I do feel it's outdated (unlike eggs!) and dogmatic and stems from an old patriarchal, authoritarian system which views the therapist as superior to the client... who is often referred to as the "patient" and is the sick one. I wonder what they are frightened of?

Train is totally off the tracks, sorry growly x

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Default Mar 01, 2019 at 04:00 PM
  #37
All discourse welcome here. I’m enjoying the read.
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Default Mar 03, 2019 at 08:50 PM
  #38
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In what way did it change your cognitive structure?
I don't have parts anymore, it's all integrated.

My ego boundaries don't blur anymore. Before I used to (unconsciously) let others enter my boundaries. These were usually controlling, sadistic, or abusive people. Even people doing people pleasing, as that is a type of control too. These are more mild than not with most people, so its not easy to see but now that I've done this therapy I can perceive these subtle intrusions from others but they no longer cross my psychological boundaries.
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Default Mar 04, 2019 at 02:34 PM
  #39
I wish I knew the answer to this.
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