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Default Apr 28, 2019 at 04:43 PM
  #1
It seems that people always quick to give to share it with your T if you have fallen in love with them. It also seems that both the client and therapist sides of the issue are so quick to label any feelings of this sort as transference, and that it must be "dealt with" (i.e. stopped) in order for the therapeutic environment to remain in some sort of safe ethical zone.
My view this that Ts are human beings we develop a very intimate connection with if the therapy is working. I disagree with those who believe that it's just transference or a sign that a client falls in love with people who are unavailable.
In my personal experience, I've seen 8 different Ts (14 if I count prior marriage therapy and and psychologist associated with my work environment). I have never developed feelings of being "in love" for any of them until the one I have now. I never really even thought much one way or another about a T outside sessions before beyond just general feelings of warm regard at times.
Now do not get it confused. There are very real aspects of transference with T in our therapeutic relationship. At times, she seems to take on other roles in my mind... Like a sister, or even a parent, or even my soon to be ex-wife. When I look back on my marriage of 18 years, my relationship with my wife was similar in that way. We took on roles with each other that weren't those of a spouse or lover often in response to various situations. It also seems to me that my relationships with many people feel like that at times. With that being said, I conclude that transference is an attribute present in human relationships, whatever the label or definition.
I have truly pondered over various aspects of my feelings of being in love with my T, and even made efforts to fit it into sterotypes to make me feel better. I've realized that just makes it worse and that I'm actually trying to convince myself of something that's just not real. I even googled "how not to love someone", because I've battled with feeling immoral for feeling this way about her. None of this works.
I decided recently to stop bashing myself and to stop trying to force myself to feel something else, and just accept it for what it is.
There is a part of me that wants to tell her, but I have what I believe are good reasons for not doing it.
1. She is an amazing therapist, and the work we are doing together is more important to me than anything else.
2. She is married. This is where the immoral side of my beliefs come into play. I feel it would be disrespectful of her and her marriage to be open about my feelings for her, no matter how she felt.
3. We share a very honest, open and intimate connection. I do not wish for that to change. It is the center of the healing I'm in the process of. I feel very protective of that space, and can't take the change of ruining it.
So I conclude it is better for me to keep my feelings to myself. Focus on the healing and the work.
Sometimes I feel dishonest for not being up front about it, and know that she senses I feel something for her, but am not saying it.
If anyone has fallen in love with T, and decided never to reveal it, what is your experience? Did it create a negative outcome or hurt an otherwise amazing therapy relationship in any way?
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 04:25 AM
  #2
I agree! I had a similar experience with my therapist. Not sure if you saw one of my posts, but yes - both of us are married to different people, so that’s one reason I never mentioned it...

Also, I didn’t want to risk the relationship. I kept how I felt to myself.

I figured, well, I can’t fight it, so I’ll just accept that’s how I feel. I have felt similarly attracted to other men outside of my marriage and not said anything for the same reasons. I’m married. Just guys I’ve worked with, mostly. Don’t know too many other fellows outside of work.

One could say I have healthy fantasies, I guess? lol I don’t feel I should act on them, though, that would be crossing the line.

Now several years after the fact, I don’t exactly feel attracted so much as a deep affection and respect for my therapist. I don’t have a lot of relationships like that. I can be honest with him about anything, and I feel safe.

My husband is learning recently to allow me to ask or say certain things WITHOUT yelling at me. lol My husband is fine about most things, but let’s just say he’s a little touchy about me asking for support/teamwork from him. He gets defensive or seems to think that when I ask him to do something, I’m actually accusing him of being a burden or lazy or something. But he’s working on that and has improved a LOT over the last while.

I’m a little hard to “reach” because I put up an invisible barrier so it takes a long time to get past that wall.

I don’t know if it was transference, but I wouldn’t be surprised. As I said, I have issues opening up to people and feeling safe.
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 05:43 AM
  #3
I told mine, it didn't ruin anything but I am still suffering after he's gone. So it didn't really help anything.

I have no feelings for the others.... but I know make sure to advise people to think it through before saying talk to them. I know it can sometimes backfire.

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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 08:26 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
I told mine, it didn't ruin anything but I am still suffering after he's gone. So it didn't really help anything.


I have no feelings for the others.... but I know make sure to advise people to think it through before saying talk to them. I know it can sometimes backfire.
Thanks. It's difficult to feel this way and push down the urge to just get it out! I guess if I ever get to a place where I feel like keeping it inside is hurting the therapy, then I would need to reconsider.
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 09:35 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by H011yHawkJ311yBean View Post
I agree! I had a similar experience with my therapist. Not sure if you saw one of my posts, but yes - both of us are married to different people, so that’s one reason I never mentioned it...

Also, I didn’t want to risk the relationship. I kept how I felt to myself.

I figured, well, I can’t fight it, so I’ll just accept that’s how I feel. I have felt similarly attracted to other men outside of my marriage and not said anything for the same reasons. I’m married. Just guys I’ve worked with, mostly. Don’t know too many other fellows outside of work.

One could say I have healthy fantasies, I guess? lol I don’t feel I should act on them, though, that would be crossing the line.

Now several years after the fact, I don’t exactly feel attracted so much as a deep affection and respect for my therapist. I don’t have a lot of relationships like that. I can be honest with him about anything, and I feel safe.

My husband is learning recently to allow me to ask or say certain things WITHOUT yelling at me. lol My husband is fine about most things, but let’s just say he’s a little touchy about me asking for support/teamwork from him. He gets defensive or seems to think that when I ask him to do something, I’m actually accusing him of being a burden or lazy or something. But he’s working on that and has improved a LOT over the last while.

I’m a little hard to “reach” because I put up an invisible barrier so it takes a long time to get past that wall.

I don’t know if it was transference, but I wouldn’t be surprised. As I said, I have issues opening up to people and feeling safe.
Thanks. It sounds like you found ways to cope with your feelings without bringing them to your T. It also sounds like it didn't have any adverse effects on the therapy in general.
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 11:50 AM
  #6
It was a bit... Distracting at times, maybe. But I think I kind of just got used to just enjoying the time with him. He’s one of those people who don’t realize how charming they are. Never Sharing
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 03:51 PM
  #7
No, I never held back, but it's supposed to be explored in the type of therapy I do. Falling in love with your T is expected and thought of as transference. But there's no goal to 'deal with' or 'stop' the feelings--exploring it is part of the process.

But I also do not associate morals with feeling sexual or love feelings and have even enjoyed having such feelings for my T. He is married too, but my feelings cannot discern a single person from a married. Feelings are one thing; actions another. I don't associate my love or sexual feelings for T in a negative way.

Guilt in itself can be painful, even self-destructive for some. Isn't it hard to not work through the guilt with your T? I'm glad to hear you are not beating yourself up anymore about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo1934 View Post
It seems that people always quick to give to share it with your T if you have fallen in love with them. It also seems that both the client and therapist sides of the issue are so quick to label any feelings of this sort as transference, and that it must be "dealt with" (i.e. stopped) in order for the therapeutic environment to remain in some sort of safe ethical zone.
My view this that Ts are human beings we develop a very intimate connection with if the therapy is working. I disagree with those who believe that it's just transference or a sign that a client falls in love with people who are unavailable.
In my personal experience, I've seen 8 different Ts (14 if I count prior marriage therapy and and psychologist associated with my work environment). I have never developed feelings of being "in love" for any of them until the one I have now. I never really even thought much one way or another about a T outside sessions before beyond just general feelings of warm regard at times.
Now do not get it confused. There are very real aspects of transference with T in our therapeutic relationship. At times, she seems to take on other roles in my mind... Like a sister, or even a parent, or even my soon to be ex-wife. When I look back on my marriage of 18 years, my relationship with my wife was similar in that way. We took on roles with each other that weren't those of a spouse or lover often in response to various situations. It also seems to me that my relationships with many people feel like that at times. With that being said, I conclude that transference is an attribute present in human relationships, whatever the label or definition.
I have truly pondered over various aspects of my feelings of being in love with my T, and even made efforts to fit it into sterotypes to make me feel better. I've realized that just makes it worse and that I'm actually trying to convince myself of something that's just not real. I even googled "how not to love someone", because I've battled with feeling immoral for feeling this way about her. None of this works.
I decided recently to stop bashing myself and to stop trying to force myself to feel something else, and just accept it for what it is.
There is a part of me that wants to tell her, but I have what I believe are good reasons for not doing it.
1. She is an amazing therapist, and the work we are doing together is more important to me than anything else.
2. She is married. This is where the immoral side of my beliefs come into play. I feel it would be disrespectful of her and her marriage to be open about my feelings for her, no matter how she felt.
3. We share a very honest, open and intimate connection. I do not wish for that to change. It is the center of the healing I'm in the process of. I feel very protective of that space, and can't take the change of ruining it.
So I conclude it is better for me to keep my feelings to myself. Focus on the healing and the work.
Sometimes I feel dishonest for not being up front about it, and know that she senses I feel something for her, but am not saying it.
If anyone has fallen in love with T, and decided never to reveal it, what is your experience? Did it create a negative outcome or hurt an otherwise amazing therapy relationship in any way?
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 04:20 PM
  #8
In love with my t for years. I so dislike the word, transference;just a fancy word for feelings, I think.
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
No, I never held back, but it's supposed to be explored in the type of therapy I do. Falling in love with your T is expected and thought of as transference. But there's no goal to 'deal with' or 'stop' the feelings--exploring it is part of the process.


But I also do not associate morals with feeling sexual or love feelings and have even enjoyed having such feelings for my T. He is married too, but my feelings cannot discern a single person from a married. Feelings are one thing; actions another. I don't associate my love or sexual feelings for T in a negative way.


Guilt in itself can be painful, even self-destructive for some. Isn't it hard to not work through the guilt with your T? I'm glad to hear you are not beating yourself up anymore about it.
Guilt...ahhh. That hit me. Somehow I guess I believe I'm avoiding guilt by telling myself I'm respecting her as a person and acting in a morally correct way. Maybe I am kidding myself. Thank you. This is something to ponder over.
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 05:04 PM
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It's ok to feel whatever you feel.
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 05:26 PM
  #11
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In love with my t for years. I so dislike the word, transference;just a fancy word for feelings, I think.
Agree, I hate that word. It almost makes "feelings" in therapy seem shameful.

I worked very hard to be able to accept/express my feelings with T and he always told me you can't help what you feel, you just do.

So I know how I feel about him. It doesn't have to have some magical special meaning from my past because it's therapy. We are two humans, feelings happen. That's how I see it

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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 12:37 AM
  #12
I deal with sexual feelings for my therapist and have been for the last year. It's not a constant feeling, but something that stirs up now and then. It's been an issue again lately. I just posted here recently how I was thinking of quitting because nothing productive was happening anymore and I wasn't sure that it was helping me to keep going, but then we had a couple of really good sessions that seem to be turning things in a positive direction. That's not why I feel attracted, though. The attraction is mostly unemotional. Sometimes, he makes comments that reveal little bits of himself to me and I start to feel attracted again, and that's what happening. A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about something non-sexual and he mentioned S&M and it turned me on hearing him mention that. It made me wonder if it's something that he enjoys. And then at the end of another appointment, we were finishing up and normally we walk out together. This time, I stood up before him, and I was sort of standing over him for a minute while I waited. Just being in that position put me right back in those feelings.

I have no intentions of ever bringing this up. I worry that he would refer me to someone else, and I worry that it would be such an awkward conversation that I'd be too embarrassed to return even if he would allow it. We are both in good relationships, and it's not like I actually want to have an affair with him. However, if he ever asked me about it directly, then I would be honest and tell him. I feel like that would be an easier conversation than going to a session one day and saying, "I have a problem. I'm attracted to you and occasionally fantasize about you." I don't see why it would ever be necessary to do that anyway. I don't believe that it affects the outcome of what we're doing. As long as I feel I am making some sort of progress with him in the therapy itself, then I don't see why he needs to know what I think about him outside of that context.

I first joined this forum because of the initial sexual feelings I was having for him and how they made me feel confused and awkward. I don't feel that way anymore. I just enjoy the fantasy when it happens. Sometimes those feelings disappear for a while. The first time they disappeared was after I happened to see his significant other in person in the office one day. It knocked me back to reality, and for a long time I felt nothing toward him beyond the clinical. It temporarily killed the fantasy to see what he goes home to every night.

I've often thought that if we were both single and not in a therapist-client relationship that he'd be someone I'd want to go out with. Aside from the physical attraction I feel, we have a lot of things in common and tend to think in a similar way. This helps us to get along very well in the relationship we have in his office, but it's also exactly what leads to other thoughts. The only downside of this feeling for me is that there is a part of me that still wants to believe he experiences a mutual attraction to me, simply because I want the egotistical satisfaction of knowing that, but he has always been professional, and if he does feel anything, I'll never know it.

If someone truly feels in love with their therapist and attached in a highly emotional way, then it probably is wise to say so and discuss why this is happening. The therapist should be able to help with this and not make it painful. The more frivolous sexual thoughts I have are probably best kept unsaid.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 05:58 AM
  #13
I've told mine some of it, but not the full extent of how I feel. It's more emotional but I do have sexual thoughts as well. For me, withholding the emotional side was never an option, mainly because I've had similar feelings about other people in the past which was an issue early in my therapy. It was kind of a given that I'd end up transferring all that to her and although it was never explicitly said, T was prepared for it. She is a very safe, validating T, and I have no regrets about telling her. It is something that simply had to come out. Re the sexual stuff, I'm not sure if I could tell her about that. I'm trying to understand why I have them because this is the first time my transference has become sexual. I do feel that she would be okay with hearing it though.
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