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Unhappy May 30, 2019 at 10:45 AM
  #21
Precaryous, thank you so much for having heard me. It helps me to have a bit of an outlet.
I was doing reasonably well this week. Then I received bad news about the progress of my disease. This afternoon the guy I met a week ago during my travels to my doctor would call me. I cancelled the call.
The following few lines kept running through my mind (and still, they are in my mind):
"I miss your dark sweater with the white dress shirt that you so often wear.
I miss the scent of your sweater that surrounds me when you hug me"

Some ridiculous lines, and of course I should never send them to my doctor. Even with all his comments and hugs and kisses when he saw me, he would use such an email against me if it suits him. So I must never do something so stupid.
I think also, evidently, that if I experience misfortune/pain/stress in my personal life, I tend to want to run to him for protection. And that is absurd, since he has never given me any protection, but mostly pain. Yet I feel safe for a moment when he holds me.
I really don't believe I experience sexual attraction towards him. I believe it is mostly paternal transference.. It was paternal each time I saw him, it was paternal each time we hugged, it was paternal even when he kissed me. There was no sexual attraction I experienced. I just feel like holding him forever, and wanting him to hold me forever. But then when I feel rejected by him since he ignores me or I fear he abandoned me as his patient, only then somehow sexual attraction comes into the mix. I really don't understand that process.

We have not had any contact anymore after the consult with all the physical contact and kisses. That consult was now longer than a week ago. I sent him one email as said, last Friday, just to state how important his treatment was for my disease and to please not abandon me since no other doctor has his capabilities. I did not mention the hugs and his kisses in my email. Since I did not want him to feel annoyed or be worried and see me as a liability, as said.

I did not email him again after that one email. Which is a good thing. He had promised to have his secretary call me this week to let me know if I could still be his patient. I did not receive any call, and I know he will not be in the office tomorrow. So he again did not keep his word. Whereas I'm normally completely anxious over such things, emailing him asking if he abandoned me again as his patient. This time I am not. As it turned out there was still a reimbursement I had to receive. So I know I will be contacted by his office either way somewhere in the near future. And so I feel less inclined to email him in panic.

I have emailed the therapist. She had responded but she did not seem to take on new clients. I just emailed her to ask for a referral to a therapist in my region.

Later today I changed my mind and called with the guy I met last week after all. We had a fun talk lasting nearly 2 hours (!). Yet I still miss my doctor so so much. I miss him so much, I feel I would do anything for a hug from him now, and I feel tears burning behind my eyes constantly.
I must be crazy or something . Somehow I think if I had not had this disease it would be easier to not feel this way, and to just focus on life instead.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 10:55 AM
  #22
I miss him so so much, it hurts - a lot. I just want him to hold me for 15 or 20 minutes or so, so that I have the willpower and motivation to fight the challenges in my life again after that.
I also hate what this disease is doing to my body. I hate it so so much.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 11:52 AM
  #23
I had similar feelings. I can relate. I felt that no one understood me better than he did. I came to care about him in the beginning. I felt love- not romantic love or even any expectation that we would be a couple. But I felt such deep love, I wrote and even thanked him for letting me love him. It’s difficult to write this now, knowing what I know and knowing, now, what he planned to do ..and did.

I loved the person I *thought* he was! I didn’t love *him.*

I engaged a subsequent female therapist who specialized in therapist exploitation while I was still his patient. I heard her say he was unethical, criminal and harmful. But I didn’t want to believe it. I remember saying, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t want him to go to prison over it.’ I thought I was the only one....that he was a good man and just made a mistake with me.

I was *not* the only one he exploited.

I came to him broken, confused, hating myself. He lifted my self-esteem, he seemed to find me intelligent and interesting. He *listened* to me. He comforted me and I felt protected. I felt he was the only one on my side.

My feelings soared.

I felt I was his equal, almost.

Then the time came when the relationship changed. He wouldn’t talk about our relationship. He lied. He wanted me to break it off. He told me he was dying from heart disease. That just made me love him more.

Then he told me he was intimate with me because he felt sorry for me. He took me for a short walk around his office. He said, “You see these street people? I had sex with you because I felt sorry for you, just like I feel sorry for these street people.” Then he was angry and made it all my fault- “You *promised* me you could handle this. Why can’t you handle this!”

I was crushed. I had been soaring but now I felt more devastated than when I first entered ‘therapy’ with him. But I STILL wouldn’t leave him! He was showing me who he was but I wouldn’t believe it.

My opinion, you love the feelings you manufacture from this person. You love and miss the person you make him out to be. He’s not showing you love or protection. But he’s showing you who he really is! A person that cares for you does not treat you the way this whacko is treating you. I don’t know if he’s pathologically narcissistic, has some sort of dementia, is on drugs...but just from the bit you are telling me, his judgement is obviously impaired. And if I can see that, his colleagues can see that.

I’m not a therapist but I absolutely believe you have paternal, maybe even maternal transference for him.

Please do not wait as long as I did to get out. He frauded me out of money. At close to the end he wanted me to see a neurologist to help get return referrals for him, he said.
But now, looking back, I believe he was gathering support to commit me to a state hospital to discredit and silence me.

Please continue your search for a female therapist. This guy has already hurt you severely. Please don’t let him hurt you any more.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 12:23 PM
  #24
Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
I had similar feelings. I can relate. I felt that no one understood me better than he did. I came to care about him in the beginning. I felt love- not romantic love or even any expectation that we would be a couple. But I felt such deep love, I wrote and even thanked him for letting me love him. It’s difficult to write this now, knowing what I know and knowing, now, what he planned to do ..and did.

I loved the person I *thought* he was! I didn’t love *him.*
Precaryous, I'm so sorry to hear all that . You have been through an awful lot.
He caused you such excrucating pain and trauma.
I do recognize that feeling of 'loving him'. Albeit your therapist seemed more charming at the surface (a 'feigned charm' of course) and more emotionally intelligent, hiding his true personality like a wolf in sheap clothes. How difficult that must have been, and it makes it almost unavoidable that you fell into his trap. He gave you the impression he cared and shared feelings with you.

My doctor can not hide his narcissistic personality traits. I have even seen a nurse role her eyes when he started again about his accomplishments. Other patients joke about his narcissism. It is obvious he has a narcissistic personality disorder - a personality disorder that on the other hand triggers my mental problems, it seems. Having said all that: it is absurd that I experience feelings of 'love' for him. But when he holds me and hugs me and how he talks to me when I see him, it is like I'm dealing with a different person. Narcissistic yes, but a narcissist that seems to care for me . Then the entire sequence of abandonment starts again and I feel excruciating hurt, and that brief moment of affection he shows me in his office starts to lead its own, silly life. I take it with me, envisioning he hugs me when I am afraid or when I can't sleep from anxiety over my disease. I start to envision him as a caring, loving person, that cares for me. (The way I run off with this fantasy says all about the state of my mental health ).
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Default May 30, 2019 at 12:31 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
I loved the person I *thought* he was! I didn’t love *him.*

This is a telling comment. I have said about the relationship with my professor, and the relationship with my previous doctor that I loved the fantasy I had about them, not them. I now experience this again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
I engaged a subsequent female therapist who specialized in therapist exploitation while I was still his patient. I heard her say he was unethical, criminal and harmful. But I didn’t want to believe it. I remember saying, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t want him to go to prison over it.’ I thought I was the only one....that he was a good man and just made a mistake with me.

I was *not* the only one he exploited.
It is often like this, isn't it. My professor turned out to have been in relationships with other students, and later some complaints poured in. My previous doctor turned out to have been in sexual relationships with different other patients.

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Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
I came to him broken, confused, hating myself. He lifted my self-esteem, he seemed to find me intelligent and interesting. He *listened* to me. He comforted me and I felt protected. I felt he was the only one on my side.

My feelings soared.

I felt I was his equal, almost.

Then the time came when the relationship changed. He wouldn’t talk about our relationship. He lied. He wanted me to break it off. He told me he was dying from heart disease. That just made me love him more.

Then he told me he was intimate with me because he felt sorry for me. He took me for a short walk around his office. He said, “You see these street people? I had sex with you because I felt sorry for you, just like I feel sorry for these street people.” Then he was angry and made it all my fault- “You *promised* me you could handle this. Why can’t you handle this!”

I was crushed. I had been soaring but now I felt more devastated than when I first entered ‘therapy’ with him. But I STILL wouldn’t leave him! He was showing me who he was but I wouldn’t believe it.
This is horrendous, horrendous, Precaryous. I'm so so sorry you went through all that. I do recognize it unfortunately. It seems these narcissists all work in the same way. My previous doctor did similar things. He would have sex with me, and then afterwards tell me he did so since "I forced him to do so." And "actually he had not wanted to do so". But: "it was the only way to calm me down". I felt excruciatingly hurt. I had fallen into the trap of his comments, asking me to be his "lover" "forever". I remember how immensely hurt and stressed I felt, and how I thought constantly of suic*de. I tried to call him after he emailed me that comment he had sex with me because I forced him, since I was in such panic, but he ignored me. I experienced such deep pain.

Flash forward a few years, and here I am again in a detrimental situation, albeit we have not had sex and there were just some hugs, comments and kisses. But it does make me think I will never learn from my mistakes. My new doctor is a lot less charming than my previous doctor, and his narcicissm is a lot more obvious. Nonetheless, it doesn't stop me from experiencing this transference.

Last edited by Rachelle1; May 30, 2019 at 12:47 PM..
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Default May 30, 2019 at 12:44 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by precaryous View Post

My opinion, you love the feelings you manufacture from this person. You love and miss the person you make him out to be. He’s not showing you love or protection. But he’s showing you who he really is! A person that cares for you does not treat you the way this whacko is treating you.
This hits the nail on its head. I love the feelings I manufacture from this person : it's true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
I don’t know if he’s pathologically narcissistic, has some sort of dementia, is on drugs...but just from the bit you are telling me, his judgement is obviously impaired. And if I can see that, his colleagues can see that.

I’m not a therapist but I absolutely believe you have paternal, maybe even maternal transference for him.

Please do not wait as long as I did to get out. He frauded me out of money. At close to the end he wanted me to see a neurologist to help get return referrals for him, he said.
But now, looking back, I believe he was gathering support to commit me to a state hospital to discredit and silence me.

Please continue your search for a female therapist. This guy has already hurt you severely. Please don’t let him hurt you any more.
I think you're right it may be a mix of paternal and maternal transference.
He even frauded you out of money and tried to silence you.. Oh, Precaryous, . I can not mention the things my previous doctor did to try to silence me here, since I am afraid my story becomes too recognizable. But the lenghts these doctors go to to cover up their tracks, is astonishing. They don't care at all what happens to you, and whether you survive their abuse or not, as long as they can cover up their tracks, I learned that the hard way also.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 07:54 PM
  #27
The article mentions ‘super-hero’ doctors and ‘lone wolf’ doctors and suggests “alarm bells should ring.”

“Their seniority and expertise in their field meant that their unusual behaviour was not challenged by colleagues or patients.”

Rogue doctors ‘use superhero status to abuse patients’ | Society | The Guardian
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Trig Jun 02, 2019 at 12:23 PM
  #28
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The article mentions ‘super-hero’ doctors and ‘lone wolf’ doctors and suggests “alarm bells should ring.”

“Their seniority and expertise in their field meant that their unusual behaviour was not challenged by colleagues or patients.”

Rogue doctors ‘use superhero status to abuse patients’ | Society | The Guardian
Thank you so much Precaryous, I read the article. I definitely recognize the mentioned aspects that doctors with a superhero status are not challenged in their behavior by colleagues or patients. In fact, his own staff member said she could do nothing about his constant ignoring of me, as (citing) "He is my boss, I have to do what he says".

So that says it all.

However, today I realized something else. My disease is progressing swiftly, my body is a mess after the ravage my disease is causing. This is permanent and will only get worse. I realized more and more I don't want to live anymore with the way my body is breaking down. (I want to add a trigger to this, but I don't know how I can do that). I also realized that the only happy moment I still had the past month was when my doctor held me in his arms and kissed me. To now blame him for that, as I am doing albeit not directly expressing it to him or anyone but here, somehow doesn't seem right to me. It is the truth: it was the only moment this month, I felt happy. And the times he hugged me the past year were the only moments I felt happy. That says more about the pathetic turn my life has taken than about his mistakes. How can I blame him for doing the only thing that has given me some happiness the past year?
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 12:38 PM
  #29
I received some very unfortunate news with regard to my disease the past week, twice. I can not say too much about this out of fear to be recognized, but usually bad news means drastic life changing developments in my disease.
I told family about this news: just very brief without much words.. The only response I get is "Why do you tell me this? What can I do with this? You should be telling your doctor, I can do nothing with this. I don't know why you tell me this. You should be doing something about this yourself, but there is nothing you want to do about this." (NB: I'm under the care of my doctors/specialists that I see regularly).
On the other hand: the moment their first grandchild lets a burb my mother is jumping from joy and showing it to the world. And the moment she fears he may experience some discomfort because he cries, she is surfing over the internet in panic, advising what doctors to see, and can't stop talking about it.
Don't get me wrong: I am happy they love their first grandchild. I am happy he will be growing up surrounded by love, also from his grandparents. He is small and vulnerable, and deserves and needs to be surrounded by much love and care.

But I can't help but feel so incredibly hurt at the same time. I hate how my body is breaking down. I hate I can't turn my back to my family and disappear for good out of their lives because of this disease. I hate my life. And these are the moments I miss my specialist/doctor the most. I would do anything for a hug from him now. I have him on a social media platform that we once used to communicate. And sometimes I just take a look only to see when he was last online. Just to know he is somewhere out there, when I feel so isolated. How can I think with how I attached to him (as I did to these other male authoritarian figures in the past) that he is the one to blame?
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 09:00 PM
  #30
“How can I think with how I attached a to him (as I did to these other male authoritarian figures in the past) that he is the one to blame?”

Oh no! I’m sorry your disease has worsened! I wish family would always be helpful and surround you as part of your broad base of support. Unfortunately, often times family and friends just don’t get it.

About your question-
You are not responsible for the way this doctor chooses to act or respond.
That is his responsibility.

Doctors go to med school and are educated in disease processes and social interactions. Usually they are educated in attachment and positive and negative transference. Clients/patients cannot be expected to know about these issues.

Doctors are educated in boundaries and ethics. The client/patient commonly is not.

Doctors take an oath to DO NO HARM. Client/patients do not.

It is the doctor’s responsibility to have *your* best interest at heart...and to keep you from harm to the best of their ability. Patients are not bound by any such responsibility toward their doctors.

You can enter the office and strip off all your clothes. It’s the doctor’s responsibility to direct you to redress, keep you safe, not exploit you!

Your doctor is choosing how he acts/reacts knowing everything he learned in med school and having taken an oath to do no harm!
His actions and breaking boundaries are not your fault. If he is narcissistic, that’s not your fault. If he has an addiction, his actions are *not* your fault. If he’s ill and acting inappropriately, it’s not your fault!

‘His attention felt great to me, so how can I blame him for that?’
Right?

No matter how good it feels, he is exploiting and harming you. In some cities he would be committing a crime against you!

Even if his exploitation feels good to you at the time, the harm he’s causing now and, possibly, into the future...is his fault, not yours!

Last edited by precaryous; Jun 02, 2019 at 09:26 PM..
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 04:55 PM
  #31
Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
“How can I think with how I attached a to him (as I did to these other male authoritarian figures in the past) that he is the one to blame?”

Oh no! I’m sorry your disease has worsened! I wish family would always be helpful and surround you as part of your broad base of support. Unfortunately, often times family and friends just don’t get it.

About your question-
You are not responsible for the way this doctor chooses to act or respond.
That is his responsibility.

Doctors go to med school and are educated in disease processes and social interactions. Usually they are educated in attachment and positive and negative transference. Clients/patients cannot be expected to know about these issues.

Doctors are educated in boundaries and ethics. The client/patient commonly is not.

Doctors take an oath to DO NO HARM. Client/patients do not.

It is the doctor’s responsibility to have *your* best interest at heart...and to keep you from harm to the best of their ability. Patients are not bound by any such responsibility toward their doctors.

You can enter the office and strip off all your clothes. It’s the doctor’s responsibility to direct you to redress, keep you safe, not exploit you!

Your doctor is choosing how he acts/reacts knowing everything he learned in med school and having taken an oath to do no harm!
His actions and breaking boundaries are not your fault. If he is narcissistic, that’s not your fault. If he has an addiction, his actions are *not* your fault. If he’s ill and acting inappropriately, it’s not your fault!

‘His attention felt great to me, so how can I blame him for that?’
Right?

No matter how good it feels, he is exploiting and harming you. In some cities he would be committing a crime against you!

Even if his exploitation feels good to you at the time, the harm he’s causing now and, possibly, into the future...is his fault, not yours!

Sorry I have not responded as of yet, Precaryous. It has been going so poor, so poor. He had said his secretary would call me within one week after he saw me. Of course she never called. I had sent him one email as said, 2 days after the consultation with all the hugging and his kisses. Only to ask him to please not abandon me since I knew there was no other doctor with his capabilities that knew how to do this treatment well. I had said nothing about the kisses and hugs to not give him the feeling i blamed him or make him think I was a liability.
Almost 2,5 weeks after seeing him, since I never heard anything of his secretary, I sent him a second email. I apologized for my emailing, explaining that I was afraid of his abandonment because of all the ignoring. I wrote I hoped we could have a normal patient doctor relationship again. I wrote I had not heard from his secretary as he had promised. I did mention the hugging and kissing this time, but without blaming him I think. I just said that 2,5 weeks ago he held me in his arms the entire consult and kissed me 3 times and that I tried to, but did not understand his abandonment.
He did not reply .
I am not sure what I always do wrong, but I feel so excrucatingly hurt.

I feel so much hurt I can not explain after all the hugging and kisses. I feel completely devastated. Today I thus wrote a very brief email giving my bank account number to transfer the reimbursement (I paid upfront and so there was still a reimbursement). I said nothing else in it at all, but that I wished him the best.

I feel so broken from pain that I want to die. I feel so broken I don't want this life anymore. I don't understand why he treats me like this. I feel so broken by the thought that I will never see him anymore. He is like a father to me. I feel so broken that he helps other patients and responds to them, but hugs me the entire consult and kisses me and ignores me always and abandons me.
It is my own fault this happens. He wouldn't ignore me always if it wasn't my own fault. He doesn't ignore others like this. I don't want this life anymore. I feel so much pain. I feel so broken that I needed his treatment so much, that I don't know what now, that there is no better doctor for this. I feel at loss on all fronts. How could I ruin this? How could I do that/ I needed his help so much.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 09:23 PM
  #32
It’s not you’re fault at all.

Do you know that if parents get divorced, it’s common for children to find a way to ‘make it their fault’ - even though it’s clearly not their fault. The children think, if I had just been a quieter little girl , or if I had not caused so much trouble with my homework, etc. Mom and Dad would still be together...

I think you are blaming yourself like this.

You don’t know for a fact that he isn’t treating- then ignoring his other clients. You don’t known if he’s so occupied with appointments, finances, anything..that is causing him to act this way toward you.

The point is, it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.

—-

You know a bit about my story. Do you believe that was my fault?
——

How have you been doing on a search for a female therapist? I know you are feeling devastated but I hope you find a good therapist to help you with this.
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