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Blush Jun 28, 2019 at 04:08 AM
  #1
for those of you who have had parental feeling towards your T...what makes them sometimes cross over into the world of erotic feelings? I’m deliberately not calling these feeling “transference” because I don’t believe current feelings for your T are necessarily a re-enactment if past feelings.

Is there something specific that presses the button and you start to eroticise them? Or is it more fluid than that?

I find mine quite fluid...even in the midst of erotic feelings/fantasies, i still usually think of him as parental (I know it sounds weird—I’m currently looking at Freud for some answers).

But then sometimes it also feels like a button gets pushed—I can spend the first half of a session feeling like a little kid who looks up to him as a dad, and then he can make a comment about, say, a date, or a past partner (self disclosure with a purpose, not random) and I immediate switch and start desiring him sexually.
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 09:37 AM
  #2
I think all of those feelings are all mixed up anyway. What are "erotic" feelings and how do they differ from the nice feelings of being loved in a parental way? Maybe it's the desire and excitement or maybe it's the difference between, being done to (being loved in a passive way) and wanting to do (wanting to express our excitement and love). Freud would say that we experience sexual excitement from the very beginning - the joy and bliss of being fed, cleaned and touched in a gentle, empathetic way. There's loads around the Oedipus complex too.

When he talks about himself in those terms, I guess he becomes more human and a man with sexual desires (talking about dating and past partners), so maybe that's why your buttons are pushed?

For me it happens when I feel a strong connection in the session. I think I sexualise emotional connection, I find it highly arousing... I think because I'm not really used to experiencing it.

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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #3
Interesting question. I have only had female T:s and I´m a female myself considering myself heterosexual but I still have felt a kind of attraction to some of my therapists. First there has to be a connection when I often idealize the T and then I can find her attractive in nice clothes or by how she moves in her office for example. I don´t get excited but more like it´s forbidden to see "too much" of her breasts and that has happened in situations like when the T leans forward wearing a low cut top or similar.


I find it attractive when a T is 50+ or 60+ in age and still has a nice figure, nice clothes and it´s then inevitable to not at any time glance at her breasts. It´s not that I stare and I feel a bit embarrassed when I happen to look there but I´m sure they do to, like when a client enters their room and from a distance you don´t see exactly where your T put his/her eyes. I don´t desire those T:s but instead the erotic thoughts or erotic transference makes me think of them and their possible sex life, if they have an active sex life, with whom, how often and so on.
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 07:18 PM
  #4
I move between feeling like he's just my therapist doing his job to feeling sexually attracted to him. I know "the button" you mean. The sexual feelings seem to arise when we've had a bonding moment or, more often, when he says something about his personal life that makes him stand out as a man to me. Like TeaVicar said, sometimes it happens when he talks about his own relationships, past or present. It makes him more real to me and also makes me think about him being in sexual situations with women. Sometimes he simply describes something he did and it makes me think, "That's sexy."

I've been to other therapists who were all women and I never experienced any sexual feelings for them. One of them did feel like a mother to me because she was so much older and demanding, and the relationship eventually crashed and burned...badly. But the erotic feelings are new to me in this situation. When I go to my appointments with him, I try to look past any flirtatious desires I might have and just go with what we're doing. I would never want to put either of us in an awkward, unprofessional situation. It's when I get home and start reflecting that I allow my mind to go there if it wants to.
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Default Jul 01, 2019 at 11:46 AM
  #5
I'm currently seeing the 4th therapist that I've done proper work with (i.e not just a session or two) but this is the first one I've ever developed erotic feelings for. It is very disconcerting to say the least. I'm a heterosexual female and my T is only about 9 years older than me. I've never shown any gay tendencies (although I don't have any problem with any sexuality as long as it harms no one).

I think it started when she offered a hug (this was ethical and in context with something I'd discussed in session). A previous T had hugged me, but it had never turned into sexual thoughts. Mind you, she was considerably older than me. The strange thing is, I still have childlike feelings towards current T, just as I did for the previous T. The difference is that she hugged me and it was like you say, as if a switch went on, and I started to think about her erotically.

From that point on my erotic feelings aren't about the hug per se, but her looks and the way she is. I have started thinking how beautiful she is (and she is attractive) and how lovely she looks in what she wears. I have even started wondering about her sex life, which horrifies me a bit. Even worse, those thoughts have drifted at times to imaging myself having sex with her!!! I hate myself for having such thoughts. Most of all though, it's about her as a person, I think she is incredibly attractive with an amazing figure and just a really lovely person.

I still see her in childlike ways, so my feelings get kind of confused. Like someone else said, I think emotional connection can get sexualised. Also, I think it may be a longing to merge with T due to the intimate nature of what is shared there and of course that becomes identified with sex.

I'm so glad this can be talked about! Has anyone actually told their T that they experience these kind of feelings? I don't think I could.
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Default Jul 03, 2019 at 12:05 AM
  #6
I'm going through the same thing, Lonely. It was quite stessful at first but i'm learning to just accept that this is a normal part of therapy. It's just so weird especially since i'm married. I don't think i could ever tell my husband lol. The thought of telling my therapist really freaks me out cuz i'm afraid she wouldn't be able to handle it.
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Default Jul 03, 2019 at 05:57 PM
  #7
I didn't always have erotic feelings my T and tried to trace back to when they first started for me. They kind of crept up on my I think but I think they mainly started it was when I finally started to trust him a bit more and let him in. There was a day early in where I was also was talking about my H and difficulties we were having he asked me an appropriate question relating to our sex life which I felt awkward about. The question was fairly unremarkable and not inappropriate in the context of what we were talking about but I think it was the moment things changed for me.

On a day to day basis, the feelings are there most sessions. They do tend to flare up when he is more attuned and I feel more connected to him for sure.
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Default Jul 05, 2019 at 01:55 PM
  #8
I can relate to much of what your´re writing. With my former T I felt both like a child getting support but through getting hugs and compliments from my therapist I also got sexual thoughts about her. She was about twelve years older than me.

As you mention I have felt attraction to both this former T specifically but also towards counsellors I´ve talked to more briefly. My former T sometimes wore low cut shirts and happened to lean forward and I saw "too much" of her breasts which was part of making me think of her sexually.


I though not imagine me having sex with her or other counsellors, I instead think of if they have a partner (if they haven´t told me already), if they have sex with him (her) or with themselves. I also get thoughts like "do she and her husband have any sex life as they live in a rather small flat together with adult children?" and similar.

I could perhaps tell a future T about this but before I told her anything I would ask her if she´s comfortable in talking about erotic transference that also includes the therapist herself and not only past therapists.


Do you experience those feelings every time you see your therapist?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I'm currently seeing the 4th therapist that I've done proper work with (i.e not just a session or two) but this is the first one I've ever developed erotic feelings for. It is very disconcerting to say the least. I'm a heterosexual female and my T is only about 9 years older than me. I've never shown any gay tendencies (although I don't have any problem with any sexuality as long as it harms no one).

I think it started when she offered a hug (this was ethical and in context with something I'd discussed in session). A previous T had hugged me, but it had never turned into sexual thoughts. Mind you, she was considerably older than me. The strange thing is, I still have childlike feelings towards current T, just as I did for the previous T. The difference is that she hugged me and it was like you say, as if a switch went on, and I started to think about her erotically.

From that point on my erotic feelings aren't about the hug per se, but her looks and the way she is. I have started thinking how beautiful she is (and she is attractive) and how lovely she looks in what she wears. I have even started wondering about her sex life, which horrifies me a bit. Even worse, those thoughts have drifted at times to imaging myself having sex with her!!! I hate myself for having such thoughts. Most of all though, it's about her as a person, I think she is incredibly attractive with an amazing figure and just a really lovely person.

I still see her in childlike ways, so my feelings get kind of confused. Like someone else said, I think emotional connection can get sexualised. Also, I think it may be a longing to merge with T due to the intimate nature of what is shared there and of course that becomes identified with sex.

I'm so glad this can be talked about! Has anyone actually told their T that they experience these kind of feelings? I don't think I could.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 06:31 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahSweden View Post
I can relate to much of what your´re writing. With my former T I felt both like a child getting support but through getting hugs and compliments from my therapist I also got sexual thoughts about her. She was about twelve years older than me.

As you mention I have felt attraction to both this former T specifically but also towards counsellors I´ve talked to more briefly. My former T sometimes wore low cut shirts and happened to lean forward and I saw "too much" of her breasts which was part of making me think of her sexually.


I though not imagine me having sex with her or other counsellors, I instead think of if they have a partner (if they haven´t told me already), if they have sex with him (her) or with themselves. I also get thoughts like "do she and her husband have any sex life as they live in a rather small flat together with adult children?" and similar.

I could perhaps tell a future T about this but before I told her anything I would ask her if she´s comfortable in talking about erotic transference that also includes the therapist herself and not only past therapists.


Do you experience those feelings every time you see your therapist?

Not every session, but I've experienced some degree of physical attraction towards her during most of the last few. As I said my feelings are tangled up with childlike ones so it's very confusing. I think the childlike ones are dominant most of the time while I'm actually with her, but when I'm thinking about her at home they turn more erotic. It's very strange. I'm glad others can relate! I think that asking a T whether they are comfortable with discussing erotic transference especially directed at them is good way to gauge whether it is safe to talk about it. I suspect my T would be fine with it, but I can't imagine feeling able to talk about all that.
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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 09:25 PM
  #10
I am in hell right now with whatever i am feeling. I have DID. Most adult part has no feelings towards T. However, young parts have motherly feelings towards her, while teenage male has sexual feelings towards her. And some young but maybe preschool parts are in the obsessive phase. All they think and talk about is T. We are working on accepting all parts of myself are mine, right or wrong feelings of all. So here is where i feel like i am beyond confused. If i accept all these feelings as mine, where exactly am I? I have sexual, motherly and neutral feelings towards her??? I cant talk to her about this. My next thinking is feelings arent real, these long ago feelings are stuck in time and not sure how to resolve them. I am getting headaches and blood pressure running high lately because of this. I am stuck. Crying on and off. Feel alone in this because i cant talk to anyone.
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 05:09 PM
  #11
Never see him as parental, but the loving feelings play up for me when he looks at me with a particular loving look in his eyes. (Or: which feels like a loving look, to me).
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Default Jan 08, 2020 at 07:49 PM
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I got off birth control, and developed a terrible crush on my T. I never told her. I got back on birth control a month later and now I’m thinking “what was my issue? Those were weird thoughts.” I’m glad the thoughts went away but birth control can make someone really odd.

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Default Jan 12, 2020 at 10:22 AM
  #13
Her hands. I will also have great cravings for her when I am menstruating. I also like it when she swears and uses phrases which I don't understand (we are not from the same country). If I am drunk (which is frequently) kissing her feels possible, even reasonable. I am also holding a fair amount of disgust for her and that is often activated when we are together. I have sexual thoughts about her when I am not with her, almost never in session.
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Default Jan 12, 2020 at 09:55 PM
  #14
I don't see her as motherly, fortunately. She's more like a close friend to me.

As for triggers, there's two:

-Some things she says and her tone. I came to her office 5 minutes-ish late. She said "I'm going to adjust the clock". I made a gesture with my hands apologizing. Then said " I don't if you deserve...(small pause followed by a small chuckle)...compassion" The last word sounded so soft and sensual from her mouth.

-The way she dresses. There are days when she wears a nice and cool dress (she is sensitive to heat). She had a short skirt and her legs crossed. She was kind of sliding on her couch and her skirt was creeping up, leaving not so much to imagination. I didn't told her anything because I didn't wanted to embarass her and eventually she fixed her posture.

I feel shame of looking at her body, and I try to avoid to do it: if she drops her pen and her boobs show, then I'll look the other way. This was until last session, when she was checking me up (from eyes to toes). When she approached the door, I thought "To hell with it..." and took a not so quick glance at her when she turned her back on me.

She is a very caring, funny, compassionate, intelligent and beautiful woman. I fell for her really really hard
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Default Jan 13, 2020 at 04:48 AM
  #15
Do any of you have these kinds of feelings for a same sex t while still being normally attracted to the opposite sex?

I know that I'm straight and also that feelings for t are mixed up with emotional and childlike ones. But I find her so erotic as well. I'm not sure I'd actually want sex, but shes definitely physically attractive to me in a v intense way.
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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 11:09 PM
  #16
In my case, three things happened almost at once: 1) I started opening up about troubles in my marriage, 2) my T was strongly on my side in the dispute, 3) we began exploring the question of what are my strongest desires and what they might look like if ,my marriage came to an end. Then the feelings emerged like magic. My desires took an idealized human form and I had six weeks of bliss like I’d never felt in my life, followed by four weeks of drift, and then four weeks of the most confusing, painful destruction I’ve ever experienced. If it sounds at all like an amusing lark, it’s not, and I attribute it to a T who had no idea how to manage what should be the core of psychodynamic work.
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Default Apr 10, 2020 at 08:26 PM
  #17
These feelings slightly came back. Not very strong but a bit. Whenever she asks how I’m feeling it turns me on slightly. I don’t like talking to her about other stuff though. So I don’t think it’s very strong. She smiles a lot. She’ll look away and will have a smile on her face. I don’t know. Maybe she’s just laughing at me. I can be pretty funny though without realizing it.

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