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Grand Member
Member Since Jul 2018
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#1
I have a fairly new T. We work well together. I have to admit , I have some transference toward him. He's very kind and makes me feel safe. My question is my T told me he has countertransference in that he feels very protective toward me and wants to help all he can.
I was a bit stunned as when he first met me, he said he was not a "hand holder" or "hugger" and didn't seem to feel anything. I assume that was a good thing he said to me? I'm having a hard time not telling him of my transference. I think of him often and wish I was with him more often. I guess I'm looking for opinions from all of you . Thanks Now that I think of it, he did make a BIG Freudian slip in therapy. He was asking me how he could best help me and what he could do. Instead it came out "how can I do you ?" Neither one of us said anything. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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bpcyclist, unaluna
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2013
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#2
Get out as fast you can before it becomes all consuming and you just can not get out.
__________________ When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
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Calla lily12
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#3
There are red flags here. It sounds unprofessional to me, and I would look for another therapist.
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Calla lily12
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Poohbah
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#4
Hmm I feel a bit uncomfortable with your T telling you about his counter transference. Any disclosure like that should only be given to you if it will benefit you. I'm not sure at this relatively early stage it would be helpful to you knowing that you're bringing up those feelings in your T. It sounds kind of dicey that he is sharing these feelings and I also wonder if it would be best to look at other therapists in the meantime. Not saying your T is necessarily bad, but I think any T needs to be extremely careful to avoid encouraging your transference and subsequently creating a situation that will harm you emotionally.
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Calla lily12, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays
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#5
I have a bad feeling about this based on what you've said. I also kind of get the feeling that while you say he makes you feel safe, this disclosure has you questioning that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm reading your post as if you're basically saying 'help, I know something isn't quite right about this but I want to ignore it because I have transference - so can somebody reassure me things are fine?'
If that's what's happening, I would really suggest trusting the part of you that was troubled enough to make this post. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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bpcyclist, Calla lily12, LonesomeTonight, precaryous, unaluna
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#6
How's it been since, did you manage to talk to him about it?
I don't see any big red flags, unless I'm missing something. He told you he felt protective towards you, that doesn't necessarily seem unprofessional to me. Has he disclosed any other feelings? It really depends on how the guy works. Some therapists won't disclose anything and some talk a lot about themselves. If he continues to talk about how he feels, then that's not good but it sounds as though you're feeling a little uncomfortable about your feelings towards him?? Also, I don't understand the hugging thing. If he told you he's not a hugger but starts to initiate hugs, that's a big red flag for sure but otherwise I guess he was simply discussing his boundaries with you. You really need to talk to him about it, then you gauge how well you can work together, from his reaction. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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Calla lily12
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#7
No I didn't talk to him about it but seeing that he practices Freudian psychotherapy, it makes sense to me now. He stated at the beginning that he doesn't hug or hand hold because my former T did. He's still in training to become a psychotherapist. I think I'll be ok with him. He IS very safe to me now.
__________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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Lonelyinmyheart, unaluna
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#8
If he's in training, he'll have a lot of supervision and that's a good thing.
__________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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LonesomeTonight
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#9
If he's still in training, how on earth does he justify charging $350???
__________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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bpcyclist, precaryous
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#10
He is already a practicing psychiatrist but is training to be a psychoanalyst. That's the going rate for psychiatrists who don't accept insurance .The fact that he's willing to lower his rate is a very good thing.
__________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Grand Member
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#11
He does let me know many of his feelings in a session. Once when I first saw him, he said I was making him nervous by holding on to my coat and bag, instead of putting them down. I just see it as making him seem more "human" and approachable.
__________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Grand Member
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#12
He is talking me as a psychoanalysis patient when I get out of inpatient care. He even said he's getting a couch and asked if I'd me com.fortable with it. He is willing to lower his fee substantially since I am sort of helping him in his analytic training. He still maintains his countertransference and I my transference. I think I'm looking forward to it.
__________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Grand Member
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#13
Now for a larger issue.....I am having tremendous sexual transference . Som.etimes I think hes aware of it. Should I come out and tell him? At this point, I would welcome being closer to him.
__________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Member
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#14
Damn straight he should reduce his fee from $250 (is that what it was?). What's he charging now? If he's in training, he will be looking for training patients who will stay in analysis with him for 18 months and/or 2 years, unless the training organisation provide his training patients.
If you feel a good connection to him, then go with it. It's not great that he's discussing his feelings like that so readily... for instance, the coat/bag comment might be him projecting his nervousness back on to you. Who wants to know that their therapist is nervous in a session?! Perhaps it's due to him being relatively new to being a therapist and still being in training. I would be observant of it though and if ever you feel the need to censor yourself to save his feelings because of something he's said, then you know there is a problem. Presumably he's in analysis himself. It's up to you what you talk about but generally, those feelings won't just go away on their own. Anything to do with the relationship is key in analysis and you can get more information about his capabilities by bringing it up now. i.e. how he responds to it. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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Calla lily12
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#15
re training - what I'm saying is that you could be helping him get his qualification, so there's no way he should be charging you his psychiatric consultancy fees. He may be an expert psychiatrist but he isn't an expert psychoanalyst yet, far from it.
__________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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Calla lily12
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Calla lily12, susannahsays
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#16
He was honest enough to tell me about his counter transference in that he felt the need to help or save me. He knows I'm dependent on him.
I'm not sure what he'll charge me yet, but it won't be 315$. He said it would be considerably less. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Grand Member
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#17
I saw my T today after some time inpatient. I'm having very strong feelings for him. We are both married and I'm a bit older than he is. If I disclose how I feel I'm afraid he'll be disgusted and grossed out and want to get rid of me. He disclosed his counter transference toward me (he said he feels protective of my and "wants to save me".) My attraction to him isn't just sexual. He's brilliant and he has said he finds talking with me very stimulating. We both are interested in different psychiatric treatments and sometimes we discuss them. He has often told me I'm very intelligent.
I want him to know how I feel but being older than him might seem gross to him. Is it better to be honest and deal with the consequences? Is just like to go for coffee and discuss psychology. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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LonesomeTonight
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#18
Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see but at times, the way he looks at me makes me wonder if he feels anything for me. He's always interested in what I'm saying as I am with him. I don't want to scare him away, but isn't being honest with him the best thing to do?
__________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Poohbah
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#19
In theory yes, being honest is the best thing to do, but not so that your relationship can develop in the way you want (it would be unethical) but to work through why you're having these feelings and what they represent. I really hope your T is professional enough to not give you what you think you want, but help you understand these feelings you're having towards him.
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Calla lily12, LonesomeTonight
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#20
I hope you can let his attentions in the therapy room heal your heart. Thats where the relationship exists. Sometimes i have questioned the boundaries myself, when it seemed like his look was "too much", but he always let me know i was safe in the room with him, which is what i really needed to know.
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Calla lily12, LonesomeTonight
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