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ewd2014
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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 03:15 PM
  #1
I don't know if this ever will be read but here it goes..
My therapist has feelings for me, and I don't know what to do, what to feel, and I feel so alone and stupid

She's been my therapist for about 5 years. A couple of years ago I started noticing small things, how her eye lashes were going off, I was amazed how a human being could blink so many times. Body language etc. I knew what it was, but I was afraid to say. I just felt hopeless in trying to talk about it, I thought about this thing how every reflection I see in my therapist is just a reflection of my mind, supposedly.
I took that to heart and swallowed whatever I was seeing.
It really messed with my head, am I attracted to her, but I can't feel it? Am I so out of touch with myself I don't even know? I thought about it alot, do I want her? I'd rather be with her than no one, but I'm not in love, I'd take her over no one.
I told her this, but more on that later on..

About 1 year ago I feel in deeply in love with a woman, and it took a while for me to open up about it to my therapist, and when I did she responded "Oh, I'm used to that" She thought I was deeply in love with her.

After that it's just gotten worse, and I ignored her signals and body language, since we have not done anything inappropriate, this is a fact.
But just before she went on vacation she said "If you can't GET I like you, how will you EVER understand a woman likes you?" It was inappropriate, but I admire her honesty. And it was helpful for me because it helped me understand I was not crazy for seeing all these things my intuition was telling me.
I just wish I could go back to that moment and explore it more, because at the time I was so burned out from her talking, it's the thing, her interest has gotten more intense, one of the consequences of this is that she talks SO MUCH, I confronted her about this "Hey, it's been 20 minutes, I haven't gotten as much as a syllable in this conversation"
and I don't know what to do. She's jealous, she brings up how "Oh, you know how this woman you met was always there for you? I've always been there for you, every tuesday" "You think I do this for every patient?"
I'm conflicted if she's doing this because This deep sense of connection and love would be beneficial our therapeutic alliance, or does she want it for her self?

I think she feels unappreciated and unattractive. I remember when I told her about a woman at my workplace which everyone says, and which I see also, is crazy about me, but I have no feelings toward her and I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her. I told my therapist about this scenario and her words were "Oh, is she THAT unattractive you're not even flattered?" I took this as a self-reflection from her part, since I had said nothing about this persons looks, and I've explained how one of the things that shook me with the woman I met before was how she was one of the most unattractive human beings I had every laid eyes upon, yet somehow the most beautiful human being on earth which took me along while to process. She ought to know looks is not an issue, nor does she have any hints as to what I think about the woman at work's appearance.

I'm sorry it's gotten quite long, I've held this in for the better part of 3 years, out of 5 total.

And the question I ask myself is, why am I still in therapy? I'm not helped by therapy, quite the opposite. But I haven't lost the spark for it. I kind of know this person, I know she won't accept talking about this topic, I know I have to wait 45 minutes before I can have any sort of meaningful conversation, I like how she looks at me, I like how she gives me special treatment. I admit to it. I think I'm curious what will become of it. I think I'm just pushing boundaries at this point. I do feel bad for it. I've tried other therapists, but I loose interest, they don't challenge me, nor does she, other than I'm willing to push through her cold shell, just so see what lies beneath. I'm like that, I'm curious see what trues lies within people. And so I've gotten stuck in the same position in therapy as with all others.
I'm sorry for the long text, I think i'm mentalizing. I'm still not sure what to make of all this, I don't want to quit, nor do I want to stay. I want her to be like the first year or so, all the flirting has been tiresome, yet alluring. I'm curious how she can be so cold, yet so hungering for more. The sessions are supposed to be 45 minutes, but we are up at a record-breaking 90 minutes for the last few weeks. Part of craves the attention. And part of me thinks it's all wrong.
Thank you for listening.
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Smile Sep 17, 2019 at 03:33 PM
  #2
Hello ewd: Thank you for sharing your therapy experience. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Sep 17, 2019 at 08:10 PM
  #3
I just want you to know I believe you. This therapist is horribly unethical. I would really encourage you to find another therapist. She is not only not helping you, she is harming you. I am so very sorry she is using you to work out her issues. You deserve better.
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Default Sep 18, 2019 at 09:11 PM
  #4
Oh, I believe you - you would have to be incredibly imaginative to make this up. And I'm about to pour my heart out to you. I always have trouble knowing what to say when people are not understanding the potential damage having a relationship (exploitative) with their therapist, because I know I didn't listen when a therapist friend tried to warn me. My words- "What can it hurt to try?" It hurt so much, so many parts of my life. My family, my livelihood, my ability to concentrate or to trust my own decisions. It has been 7 years since I moved out of her home, and I'm still triggered by questions like yours, because I want so much to spare anyone the hurt I have gone through. I went into therapy hoping to be coached through a life crisis. I'm hearing many similarities between your description and my experience. One week I could have sworn she was flirting - the next week very deliberately showing off a ring and hinting about a relationship as if she was warning me off. Later, she told me that she was going home every night to a pillow she'd named after me, from the very beginning of therapy. I think if you went to the psychotherapy forum and found the thread for survivors of unethical therapy, you would see that most of us started off being groomed, with a push, pull at the beginning until it was clear that we were hooked. That's very much what I'm hearing in your post. Your therapist has actually stopped being careful about she says to you. Please be careful. Listening to a therapist talk through your session is unlikely to be therapeutic. I don't think I can say be careful too many times. Notice everything and if something is confusing, ask questions. I let so many things go by, always giving her the benefit of the doubt. Later I have found that she spun a carefully crafted web of lies. The good news is that you are asking for input. I'm not sure I would have been open to it.
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Default Sep 22, 2019 at 03:48 AM
  #5
I think you need to find a new therapist, especially if she won't engage in any meaningful conversation about it. Therapy should be about you, not the therapist. It's possible she hasn't had enough of her own therapy and perhaps she doesn't have good supervision - both of these things are essential.

Regularly going over time by more than a few minutes (unless you specifically booked a double session) = boundary issues and you don't want a therapist who has boundary issues.

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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 09:01 AM
  #6
Your therapist is behaving in an unethical fashion. Please consider the excellent counsel above and strongly consider terminating with her and finding a new therapist. Wishing you the best before this thing gets out of hand.

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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 09:31 AM
  #7
I don't disbelieve you, but after reading your post several times, I'm not sure I understand why you're so sure she has feelings for you. I could be bringing some of my own stuff into this, but women are sometimes perceived to be flirting just by existing and anything we do can be spun into a come-on. She certainly doesn't sound like a good therapist since she talks way too much, but the things you quoted her as saying don't sound like she necessarily has romantic feelings for you. It would depend on the context. If she's so interested in you, why doesn't she let you get a word in for 45 minutes? Also, if looks aren't an issue for you, you would not have needed to process that someone who was one of the most "unattractive people you have ever laid eyes on" could also be beautiful. That indicates that you do have beliefs about physical attractiveness and place some sort of value on it. I only mention that because I think the way you made her comment all about her and her (possible) issues might indicate that your self awareness is somewhat lacking in your rush to make assumptions about her.

On a related note, I wonder if you are as curious to see what "lies within" yourself as you are with others. Maybe focusing on her and theorizing about her pathology is your way of avoiding addressing your own issues.

Regardless, it sounds like you would probably benefit from seeing someone else. Maybe someone who practices from a psychoanalytical or psychodynamic perspective.

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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 12:51 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by ewd2014 View Post
I don't know if this ever will be read but here it goes..
My therapist has feelings for me, and I don't know what to do, what to feel, and I feel so alone and stupid

She's been my therapist for about 5 years. A couple of years ago I started noticing small things, how her eye lashes were going off, I was amazed how a human being could blink so many times. Body language etc.
I took that to heart and swallowed whatever I was seeing.
It really messed with my head, am I attracted to her, but I can't feel it? Am I so out of touch with myself I don't even know? I thought about it alot, do I want her? I'd rather be with her than no one, but I'm not in love, I'd take her over no one.
I do not want to sound like I do not believe you but I am struggling how you can assume by her blinking and body language that that translates into feelings for you? And the fact that you say you would rather have her than no one speaks to how much you value her.
Quote:
About 1 year ago I feel in deeply in love with a woman, and it took a while for me to open up about it to my therapist, and when I did she responded "Oh, I'm used to that" She thought I was deeply in love with her.
She may have incorrectly assumed you meant her but does that translate into her having feelings for you?

Quote:
After that it's just gotten worse, and I ignored her signals and body language, since we have not done anything inappropriate, this is a fact.
Can you explain more about her body language and signals?

Quote:
But just before she went on vacation she said "If you can't GET I like you, how will you EVER understand a woman likes you?" It was inappropriate, but I admire her honesty. And it was helpful for me because it helped me understand I was not crazy for seeing all these things my intuition was telling me.
That sounds like a positive therapisty thing to say. Of course she says she likes you, she wouldnt work with you if she didnt. I feel like she was using herself as an example of how you might miss certain cues.

Quote:
I think she feels unappreciated and unattractive. I remember when I told her about a woman at my workplace which everyone says, and which I see also, is crazy about me, but I have no feelings toward her and I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her. I told my therapist about this scenario and her words were "Oh, is she THAT unattractive you're not even flattered?"
Is it possible she was trying to help you see the positives about this person?

Quote:
I took this as a self-reflection from her part, since I had said nothing about this persons looks, and I've explained how one of the things that shook me with the woman I met before was how she was one of the most unattractive human beings I had every laid eyes upon, yet somehow the most beautiful human being on earth which took me along while to process. She ought to know looks is not an issue, nor does she have any hints as to what I think about the woman at work's appearance.
What do you mean by "self reflection on her part"? And since you are able to determine that a woman was one of the most unattractive humans on earth then you are somewhat affected by looks.
Quote:
And the question I ask myself is, why am I still in therapy? I'm not helped by therapy, quite the opposite. But I haven't lost the spark for it. I kind of know this person, I know she won't accept talking about this topic, I know I have to wait 45 minutes before I can have any sort of meaningful conversation, I like how she looks at me, I like how she gives me special treatment. I admit to it. I think I'm curious what will become of it. I think I'm just pushing boundaries at this point. I do feel bad for it. I've tried other therapists, but I loose interest, they don't challenge me, nor does she, other than I'm willing to push through her cold shell, just so see what lies beneath. I'm like that, I'm curious see what trues lies within people. And so I've gotten stuck in the same position in therapy as with all others.
I think you definitely need therapy and I think you should see a male therapist.
Quote:
I'm sorry for the long text, I think i'm mentalizing. I'm still not sure what to make of all this, I don't want to quit, nor do I want to stay. I want her to be like the first year or so, all the flirting has been tiresome, yet alluring. I'm curious how she can be so cold, yet so hungering for more. The sessions are supposed to be 45 minutes, but we are up at a record-breaking 90 minutes for the last few weeks. Part of craves the attention. And part of me thinks it's all wrong.
Thank you for listening.
I do not know what her deal is but whatever it is its clearly harming you. Whether you did or didnt misread signals is irrelevant. its taking up too much space in your head.

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Default Oct 05, 2019 at 10:38 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

I do not want to sound like I do not believe you but I am struggling how you can assume by her blinking and body language that that translates into feelings for you? And the fact that you say you would rather have her than no one speaks to how much you value her.
She may have incorrectly assumed you meant her but does that translate into her having feelings for you?

Can you explain more about her body language and signals?

That sounds like a positive therapisty thing to say. Of course she says she likes you, she wouldnt work with you if she didnt. I feel like she was using herself as an example of how you might miss certain cues.

Is it possible she was trying to help you see the positives about this person?

What do you mean by "self reflection on her part"? And since you are able to determine that a woman was one of the most unattractive humans on earth then you are somewhat affected by looks.

I think you definitely need therapy and I think you should see a male therapist.

I do not know what her deal is but whatever it is its clearly harming you. Whether you did or didnt misread signals is irrelevant. its taking up too much space in your head.
Ouch. So much judgment.

Last edited by missbella; Oct 05, 2019 at 10:52 AM..
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Default Oct 05, 2019 at 10:44 AM
  #10
I found it highly damaging when therapy became its own drama. I eventually took the responsible role and severed the relationship after the co-therapists abandoned all professionalism. Unfortunately, it happens.

Bottom line question: is all this intrigue improving my life outside the consulting room?
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Default Oct 09, 2019 at 11:43 PM
  #11
I honestly don’t see any evidence of her having romantic feelings for you. I do see that this therapy experience doesn’t benefit you though as you are focused on her instead of your own life plus I find it weird she talks for 20 minutes straight. What about? I’d switch therapists at this point
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Default Oct 13, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by ewd2014 View Post
I don't know if this ever will be read but here it goes..
My therapist has feelings for me, and I don't know what to do, what to feel, and I feel so alone and stupid

She's been my therapist for about 5 years. A couple of years ago I started noticing small things, how her eye lashes were going off, I was amazed how a human being could blink so many times. Body language etc. I knew what it was, but I was afraid to say. I just felt hopeless in trying to talk about it, I thought about this thing how every reflection I see in my therapist is just a reflection of my mind, supposedly.
I took that to heart and swallowed whatever I was seeing.
It really messed with my head, am I attracted to her, but I can't feel it? Am I so out of touch with myself I don't even know? I thought about it alot, do I want her? I'd rather be with her than no one, but I'm not in love, I'd take her over no one.
I told her this, but more on that later on..

About 1 year ago I feel in deeply in love with a woman, and it took a while for me to open up about it to my therapist, and when I did she responded "Oh, I'm used to that" She thought I was deeply in love with her.

After that it's just gotten worse, and I ignored her signals and body language, since we have not done anything inappropriate, this is a fact.
But just before she went on vacation she said "If you can't GET I like you, how will you EVER understand a woman likes you?" It was inappropriate, but I admire her honesty. And it was helpful for me because it helped me understand I was not crazy for seeing all these things my intuition was telling me.
I just wish I could go back to that moment and explore it more, because at the time I was so burned out from her talking, it's the thing, her interest has gotten more intense, one of the consequences of this is that she talks SO MUCH, I confronted her about this "Hey, it's been 20 minutes, I haven't gotten as much as a syllable in this conversation"
and I don't know what to do. She's jealous, she brings up how "Oh, you know how this woman you met was always there for you? I've always been there for you, every tuesday" "You think I do this for every patient?"
I'm conflicted if she's doing this because This deep sense of connection and love would be beneficial our therapeutic alliance, or does she want it for her self?

I think she feels unappreciated and unattractive. I remember when I told her about a woman at my workplace which everyone says, and which I see also, is crazy about me, but I have no feelings toward her and I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her. I told my therapist about this scenario and her words were "Oh, is she THAT unattractive you're not even flattered?" I took this as a self-reflection from her part, since I had said nothing about this persons looks, and I've explained how one of the things that shook me with the woman I met before was how she was one of the most unattractive human beings I had every laid eyes upon, yet somehow the most beautiful human being on earth which took me along while to process. She ought to know looks is not an issue, nor does she have any hints as to what I think about the woman at work's appearance.

I'm sorry it's gotten quite long, I've held this in for the better part of 3 years, out of 5 total.

And the question I ask myself is, why am I still in therapy? I'm not helped by therapy, quite the opposite. But I haven't lost the spark for it. I kind of know this person, I know she won't accept talking about this topic, I know I have to wait 45 minutes before I can have any sort of meaningful conversation, I like how she looks at me, I like how she gives me special treatment. I admit to it. I think I'm curious what will become of it. I think I'm just pushing boundaries at this point. I do feel bad for it. I've tried other therapists, but I loose interest, they don't challenge me, nor does she, other than I'm willing to push through her cold shell, just so see what lies beneath. I'm like that, I'm curious see what trues lies within people. And so I've gotten stuck in the same position in therapy as with all others.
I'm sorry for the long text, I think i'm mentalizing. I'm still not sure what to make of all this, I don't want to quit, nor do I want to stay. I want her to be like the first year or so, all the flirting has been tiresome, yet alluring. I'm curious how she can be so cold, yet so hungering for more. The sessions are supposed to be 45 minutes, but we are up at a record-breaking 90 minutes for the last few weeks. Part of craves the attention. And part of me thinks it's all wrong.
Thank you for listening.
I am so glad you wrote "why am I still in therapy? I'm not helped by it. Quite the opposite."

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is a horrible thing to happen to anyone. Can you think about what the first steps might be in ending this? Five years is a long time to suffer this way and you deserve better.
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