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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,788
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#41
For those constantly checking your T's texts (not sure how you can even do that -- must be something other than regular text messaging), maybe consider how this would feel if you found out someone was constantly checking your cyber/text history? I'm wondering if you would feel comfortable knowing that someone was so constantly wound up in checking on you like that. I don't mention that as shaming so much as perhaps thinking about this from the receiving end might help you regulate your own behaviors a bit so they aren't so seemingly consuming like you describe them. I honestly wouldn't be comfortable with my own husband constantly doing something like that; (I'd tell him to get a life. LOL!)
Sometimes considering how it would be to be on the receiving end of what we say or do is a way to slow ourselves down and think differently about what we say and do. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
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#42
You have a fair point Artley and some people would be disturbed by it, but I actually think that if I ever mentioned to my T that I liked to look to see when she was last online she would just say something like, if it helps you to feel connected to me then so be it. She's pretty laid back and unfazed by many things. If she wasn't she would no doubt make her activity private.
I have been on the other side of a stalking situation and it wasn't nice, but that was literally someone tracking ALL my online movements including contacting me on sites, looking at forum posts and contacting me under different names so I wouldn't know who it was etc. It's different to simply looking now and then to see when T has last been on Whatasapp. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: in the parlour.
Posts: 353
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#43
Quote:
Look, this is the romantic sub forum, so it kind of goes without saying that people posting in the subforum may be a little fixated or obsessive about their therapists. As long as people are bringing it up in session, what's the harm?! This is why most of us are in therapy in the first place., you know... unhealthy attachment styles etc! This particular thread was set up by someone who wanted to vent and express her feelings... she didn't ask for a moral critique. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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just2b, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,788
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#44
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
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#45
Although I can't speak for SoAn,for clarity's sake I'm actually not seeing the checking as a problem, I think what you might be referring to is when I said I was also worried about accidently texting my T whilst checking. But the actual checking isn't a big deal for me, I think because I sense my T wouldn't find it a big issue and also the need seems to be lessening over time as I feel connected to her in healthy ways. It doesn't feel a terrible shameful thing because my T wouldn't make it into that. She would understand it.
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Member
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: in the parlour.
Posts: 353
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#46
I didn't read the posts as them worrying about it. It's positive that they're aware of their slightly more compulsive, obsessive behaviours. Also, they aren't checking what their T's are doing online, they are simply looking to see when they were last online. It's a connection thing. I couldn't care less about seeing when or whether my T was last online, but I can be compulsive, obsessive in other ways so I can relate. I suppose the question is, whether or not to offer advice/your opinion when no advice/opinion was asked for?
__________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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LonesomeTonight
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
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#47
You can choose who is able to see when you were last online in Whatsapp in the privacy settings. The options are: everyone, my contacts, and none. If you say none, you can't see other people's Last Seen. I think if you have someone in your contacts and they have WhatsApp, you would have to set it to none if you didn't want them to see it. Or maybe block them inside the WhatsApp app, assuming that didn't affect anything outside the app. I'm not sure what the everyone is for. Maybe group chats or something.
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Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Europe
Posts: 120
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#48
Quote:
Quote:
Nevertheless, I feel that this behaviour (checking my T's last seen), is not so much threatening to my T as it is a sign that something is amiss in my (social) life that would benefit from exploring in therapy sessions. I do think that a therapeutic relationship is not exactly the same as a regular social relationship, and that rather than looking at why this is or isn't inappropriate behaviour, what is most relevant in the therapy setting - for the sake of the client, to be able to improve this in the future - is simply recognizing that this is an urge/need/desire (if it is not a boundary crossing in the experience of the T). To me, most relevant is to explore in therapy what this behaviour gives someone. In my case, I spend a lot of time alone, and it feels as if I am close to him if I see he has been online recently, whether that makes sense or not. And then, how can I fulfill those needs in other ways, why don't I, etc. Quote:
That realisation is very bitter for me, especially as it has been like this for years. I have trouble changing the assumptions I have about the world and others' judgments so that I can start living a little, and not so much in isolation, for instance. It's why I am in therapy, and likely also why I have the urge to check my T's last seen to try and feel close to him/someone - as pathetic and obsessive a way of achieving such a sense of closeness may be. This is, of course, also what's painful about it for me, even though it temporarily makes me feel better. So I would like to say that, although I assume you did not mean it in a bad way, this is not the forum where these kind of jokes can always be made/taken lightheartedly. It's a great forum, but meaning/intention gets lost easily over text, so let's consider each other's feelings before being too joky. |
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Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays, WastingAsparagus
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Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Europe
Posts: 120
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#49
[directed at T]
I was on the verge of texting you that I miss you. I talked about it with a friend and she convinced me that it was inappropriate, that I would be putting you in a difficult position, so in the end I didn't text you and I removed your number again. It would likely be intrusive to text you and for you to be working and suddenly see such a message pop up. On the other hand, maybe you would like it. I don't know how you feel now, but we both had positive feelings for each other, which makes me think about our relationship in a different way. In some way I feel that I'm being naïve, but I keep coming back to the assumption that it would make you cheer up to be in contact again, even just one text. Perhaps you would be annoyed, that's possible too, but I don't think so. In my mind, it's still possible that something could happen between us at some point, as if I am just waiting for a better moment to arise. Rationally, I know it can't happen, and that it shouldn't, both for me and for you. It doesn't feel that way though. Maybe I need to talk about it again and have you, or my current T, say very clearly to me that nothing ever will happen. I read the last four words, and I know they are true, but they don't settle in my mind. Fantasies are in the back of my head even as I read them. Perhaps if I did something that would elicit a firmer, clearer response - such as texting you that I miss you - it would actually be helpful for me, but I know that that's still not defensible to do, blabla. I wish I didn't feel like the door was half open somehow though. The gentle, we-are-on-the-same-level kind of explanation that people give when they feel that you understand something already is not the kind of explanation that will help me change my assumptions on a more emotional level. If I did something irrational, such as texting him I miss him and suggesting we go for a coffee, would likely lead to a clearer and firmer response that I feel I need. Or that would at least be helpful. It's part of being responsible etc, so even though this kind of response would have helped/would help, it's not as if I am powerless against my fantasies. I think it's the assumption that you would be happy about contact, too, that keeps me coming back to them. Whenever I imagine you being annoyed at an imagined text, it's a moodkiller. The anticipation that you would not shame me for doing this, and that nobody would shame me for it, gives me the feeling it's not something bad to do. Perhaps some shaming would make it easier for me. It is often the fear that my current T (who's in the same practice) would bring it up making me feel ashamed that keeps me from giving in. If I need shame to stop me from doing this, am I really learning anything? Last edited by SoAn; Dec 18, 2019 at 06:22 AM.. |
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LonesomeTonight
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Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Europe
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#50
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Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Europe
Posts: 120
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#51
I texted him (intentionally) yesterday. I sent him an article I liked and thought he would like. He responded (to my surprise) by saying he also liked that author, and then we chatted a little bit. I sent him a video of an artist I like (I got enthusiastic, haha), we talked about it, at some point he stopped responding. The next morning he texted me that he had to stop replying, and that he had to ask me to do the same. It was a really nice, empathetic message. He said that having private contact between the two of us would too likely lead to complicated, unhealthy situations, which could lead to sadness on my part and also on his, apart from this not being ethically appropriate.
It was really nice for me to read that he also said it would/could lead to sadness on his part. It feels in a way like a very gentle, friendly break-up. I don't feel told off at all, but respected. I took the opportunity to respond by saying that I understood of course, that I missed him and that I found it hard, but reirating I understood etc. It was good to be able to express that to him (missing him), even in just a text. The reason I texted him was 1) I wanted to very badly, to be in touch with him, 2) I thought it might lead to him telling me clearly that we cannot have contact like this, which I felt I needed to hear. And I think he did that in the kindest imaginable way. I deleted his number as well as the e-mail where I had his number saved. Now towards spending less hours a day thinking about him (although I am going to listen to a few more sappy love songs along the way ). |
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Blueberry21
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Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Europe
Posts: 120
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#52
I had an imaginary conversation with you in my mind. I said that I didn't really want therapy with you anymore, but rather talk to you about sex with you, in the hope it would affect you in some way. You asked, you mean in that it would arouse me? I said yes in my head, suddenly felt sad, and started to cry in real life. As I continued the imaginary conversation with you, I realised that the possibility that you would only be attracted to me physically made me sad, and that I clearly felt that I wanted you to love (!) me. This took me by surprise because I have never felt or been aware of wanting that from someone. I never feel so certain about my own feelings either. Also, I thought my feelings for you were waning, and I wouldn't have considered my feelings for you that strong at any point in the past.
It was a nice experience for me to feel this so clearly. This is what I wish living felt like all the time. Not in the sense of constantly feeling strong emotions, but feeling clear, uncomplicated emotions instead of the muddled, down-dragging depression-emotions that I am more used to. My current therapist is helpful in showing me where the line between the two is, maybe that has contributed to this experience. Also, now I reread the post, her showing me my continuous self-doubt, including regarding any feelings I may have. |
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Lonelyinmyheart, precaryous
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