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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 11:43 AM
  #1
Hello there!

I'm trying to decide to tell my T about my feelings. Actually, I decided that I'll do it. Not sure when. The problem is the "how"

Do I keep it concrete? I don't want to leave anything out, and feel misunderstood. I have this need of explain myself. I have a notebook with...5 pages or so...cluttered with clouds of words describing feelings, behaviours, etc.

Is it better to give T a letter, or confess "face to face"? I think that I want to look into my T's eyes when I'm speaking sincerely, but what if I make it too long? I don't want to be a drag

I was thinking that it would better if I just omit anything sexual, especially if my confession is face to face.
X's and O's

Last edited by bluekoi; Nov 18, 2019 at 09:02 PM..
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 07:32 AM
  #2
You're not going to be a drag. Tell it the way you feel is necessary for your T to understand. You can also start slow, and keep it a bit less detailed for starters. You can say that you are having romantic and/or erotic/sexual feelings for your T, and take it from there depending on how you feel.

When I told my T, I was actually wanting to be explicit (partially to be properly understood). However, as soon as I had told him I had fantasies about intimacy with him, he started exploring what that meant to me etc, without asking (or even leaving much room for) details. But other Ts will be welcoming (in an appropriate and safe way).

Do you feel safe talking about these issues with your T? What kind of reaction are you anticipating?
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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 12:24 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by SoAn View Post
You're not going to be a drag. Tell it the way you feel is necessary for your T to understand. You can also start slow, and keep it a bit less detailed for starters. You can say that you are having romantic and/or erotic/sexual feelings for your T, and take it from there depending on how you feel.

When I told my T, I was actually wanting to be explicit (partially to be properly understood). However, as soon as I had told him I had fantasies about intimacy with him, he started exploring what that meant to me etc, without asking (or even leaving much room for) details. But other Ts will be welcoming (in an appropriate and safe way).

Do you feel safe talking about these issues with your T? What kind of reaction are you anticipating?

Mostly, I want to tell her so I could explain some weird behaviours that I display with her and other people. I'm guessing that she already knows how I feel and judges me in a negative way. As I if I was some kind of pervert

I fearing that bringing the sexual aspect will "scare" her. This feeling is new. I couldn't see her in that way at first.

I'm feeling the same as you, I think. I want to be understood. I also have fantasies of being intimate with her (platonic and physical)

I'm feeling more safe with her and I'm eager to try some things that she proposed. I guess I could say that I trust her. It's difficult for me to trust other people. I talked with her about other relationships and love.

As for what reaction she will have, I fear that she will (ex)terminate me, but this is the worst case scenario. More likely, she will explain me that is normal to feel this way. Of course, nothing could happen between us, but I could be helpful to our work

Actually, I wan't to ask her "If I were "different", less worrysome, depressed, and she wasn't my T, could be a couple, friends, etc.
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 01:00 AM
  #4
It's a tough call to make. I talked to my T about it very slowly. Just a little at a time so I could judge his reaction. I started with saying I need to say something. That let him know what I was about to say was hard and he should give me some space to find the words.

It took months for me to get it all out! Some people can do it in a session or a letter. Some take years. Trust yourself and your T (in small doses at first, but not all Ts deserve your trust).
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 01:09 AM
  #5
yeah, if it were only a different time, different place...I kinda feel the same about my T at different times. Also with friends at other times in my life. We meet people and have feelings shoot, it is really hard to figure this stuff out.

This stuff is part of what therapy is about, human relationships, feelings and actions. My T, actually, reminded me quit often that our relationship was not going to leave the room or past the hour of therapy, no matter what. I was able to share lots of my feelings openly, others were a bit more difficult and took more time. I was always a bit disappointed that I could not get her to talk about herself more, like things she did in her life etc. I told her this of course and of course she explained that she had ethical and personal boundaries that we were not going to cross. We had a good relationship fit within one hour, sometimes an hour was enough but most of the time it was not and we were both kinda talking as she was leaving the room. I used what we talked about and what I learned in those hours to work on myself and my feelings. To review my past and experiences etc. She was exceptionally understanding of parts of me that others were not able to understand, but she also told me when she thought I was not understanding something or could have done something in a different manner with a better outcome.

I think all of this is something I'd like in a real romantic, total relationship...yet I think that it would be near impossible since a day to day relationship requires much more and much less.

I would not discuss very often many of the things I discussed with my T with a Partner, for good reason. Also a partner cannot be expected to be all things to me nor I to them. Hopefully though we do learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings so we can have a close, intimate, loving relationship with our partners. I only have hopes since I'm 76 years old and not out and about looking around much.

Talk this stuff out with your Therapist, if she doesn't respond in a manner you understand, tell her that too. I actually did tell mine that I thought it would be great if she were my friend and any other relationship that could lead too. It's easy when in the back of my head I knew this would never happen and that an hour extended to several would be a totally different relationship and not therapy.

Best of life and love.
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Default Nov 22, 2019 at 09:53 AM
  #6
Have you addressed it yet? Would be interested in how it went. I have very deep feelings for my T and been able to share this (she's fine with it) but not that I find her really attractive in a physical way. I'm not even sure I'd want sex with her or anything, I just find her really erotic and it's bothering me. I do think it goes deeper than sex but my brain is making it into sex because obviously sex is connection and desire.

Personally, what I have done with the sharing of deep feelings is take it step by step. I talked a lot about having deep feelings for a professional in the past to gauge t's reaction, then stepped it up a little by sharing feelings and reactions towards her. But this approach isn't right for everyone and maybe you just need to come out with it all. I know I will need to tell T about the erotic feelings at some point, but currently gauging how far I can talk about sex with her in general. So far, so good.
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 02:40 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Roamer1115 View Post
yeah, if it were only a different time, different place...I kinda feel the same about my T at different times. Also with friends at other times in my life. We meet people and have feelings shoot, it is really hard to figure this stuff out.

This stuff is part of what therapy is about, human relationships, feelings and actions. My T, actually, reminded me quit often that our relationship was not going to leave the room or past the hour of therapy, no matter what. I was able to share lots of my feelings openly, others were a bit more difficult and took more time. I was always a bit disappointed that I could not get her to talk about herself more, like things she did in her life etc. I told her this of course and of course she explained that she had ethical and personal boundaries that we were not going to cross. We had a good relationship fit within one hour, sometimes an hour was enough but most of the time it was not and we were both kinda talking as she was leaving the room. I used what we talked about and what I learned in those hours to work on myself and my feelings. To review my past and experiences etc. She was exceptionally understanding of parts of me that others were not able to understand, but she also told me when she thought I was not understanding something or could have done something in a different manner with a better outcome.

I think all of this is something I'd like in a real romantic, total relationship...yet I think that it would be near impossible since a day to day relationship requires much more and much less.

I would not discuss very often many of the things I discussed with my T with a Partner, for good reason. Also a partner cannot be expected to be all things to me nor I to them. Hopefully though we do learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings so we can have a close, intimate, loving relationship with our partners. I only have hopes since I'm 76 years old and not out and about looking around much.

Talk this stuff out with your Therapist, if she doesn't respond in a manner you understand, tell her that too. I actually did tell mine that I thought it would be great if she were my friend and any other relationship that could lead too. It's easy when in the back of my head I knew this would never happen and that an hour extended to several would be a totally different relationship and not therapy.

Best of life and love.
I'm glad that you could establish a good, safe and healthy relationship with your T. I feel that I achieved that too (after a few tries, of course) with this one. The problem is that fearing that I'll lose her if tell her.
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 03:01 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
Have you addressed it yet? Would be interested in how it went. I have very deep feelings for my T and been able to share this (she's fine with it) but not that I find her really attractive in a physical way. I'm not even sure I'd want sex with her or anything, I just find her really erotic and it's bothering me. I do think it goes deeper than sex but my brain is making it into sex because obviously sex is connection and desire.

Personally, what I have done with the sharing of deep feelings is take it step by step. I talked a lot about having deep feelings for a professional in the past to gauge t's reaction, then stepped it up a little by sharing feelings and reactions towards her. But this approach isn't right for everyone and maybe you just need to come out with it all. I know I will need to tell T about the erotic feelings at some point, but currently gauging how far I can talk about sex with her in general. So far, so good.
Actually, I haven't told her yet. I'm kind of committed with our work and I enjoy very much our sessions. I'm waiting for an appropriate moment.

But...I think that I won't talk about the erotic feelings. I'm finding quite embarrassing to tell her that.

I'm thinking to employ the "step by step" method rather than going all out at once, which I wanted to use in the first place.

I wish that all works out well for you and your T.
Thanks.
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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 12:44 AM
  #9
Sharing feelings with T isnt worth it. Nothing changes, but you start to feel more uncomfortable. I am starting to distance myself from her. I just can't anymore. Its all one sided. I express them, and still feel them and then some hurt too. So for me definitely not worth it.
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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 05:06 PM
  #10
I wouldn't get explicit with sexual details. If you want to disclose that there is an erotic element, that's one thing. Personally, I think it's another to give details in that arena and it would be hard to distinguish between what is ok and what would amount to sexual harassment.

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