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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 07:05 PM
  #1
My transference love is not for my therapist, though I have one, but rather for my psychiatrist of about 12 years. I've always adored him. At times it's been an unhealthy erotic transference. Then it eased a little, but that didn't take the love part away. Then, lately, it's been unhealthy again.

I talked to my husband about this tonight. My husband has known about my love for my psychiatrist from the beginning (12 years ago). Hubby suggested that I "wean myself off" my psychiatrist a bit. I actually see my psychiatrist far more often than many people do. My average is every 2 to 3 weeks, for years. He sees me for a full 20 minutes per session, sometimes more. That's far more than many people talk to their psychiatrists. My psychiatrist pretty much has accommodated most all of my requests for emergency appointments, talking in between appointments, last minute rescheduling, calling him during his vacations, etc. That sort of exacerbates the issue. I always feel that he has a real soft spot for me, too. I'm not 100% sure of that, but intellectually, it would seem to be the case. I question why he sees me so often. I can't believe it's because he is after my copays, though of course he does collect them...eventually. He only bills me once per year, but then the bill is pretty hefty.

The biggest problem is that my husband wants to move to Europe in a few years. I should be preparing for such a HUGE move, but I put it off and put it off because I don't want to leave my home. I flat out resist! I told my husband that I don't believe I'll miss my father or siblings nearly as much as I'll miss my psychiatrist. That sounds horrible, but you'd have to know the situation. I actually see my psychiatrist much more often than I see my siblings and dad. They love me, but show me far less concern and support compared to my psychiatrist. Is it just "paid for support"? God, I hope it's not solely that!

I wrote a letter a little while ago basically asking my psychiatrist to send me to an Intensive Outpatient Program to help me transition away from him. Hubby has convinced me to hold off on sending such a thing. I see my psychiatrist on Monday morning. I don't know how I'll be then. What I'll say.

Of course there is always the fear that if I told my psychiatrist what I wrote, that he'd be quick to agree to it. That fact, alone would make me grieve.

It's amazing what the mind conjures up. It's amazing how we latch onto certain people or things as compensations for other things. I've been sick for so many years, some years extremely sick. I've experienced so many losses during that period. I'm so sick and tired of grieving and grieving!

I have been under a great deal of stress for many weeks. Months. My husband told me that he thinks my moods were elevated for a long time, and that this is the crash. I don't want to be hasty about anything, but at the same time, I'd like to do something that moves me forward. I don't want to fall deeper and deeper.

A couple years back was when I told my psychiatrist about my husband's desire to return to Europe. I remember him firmly stating "Don't do it!" that proclamation was almost detrimental to me. I remember asking my then therapist if he should have even stated such a thing. She said that she understands that he worries such a huge move would be severely destabilizing. Again, I recognize that to be true. Even if I wasn't emotionally entangled with anyone other than my husband. However, HIM telling me "not to do it" has made it all the harder.

Last edited by Anonymous46341; Dec 04, 2019 at 07:17 PM..
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 08:33 PM
  #2
I wonder if you’ve discussed transference with pdoc? Having that discussion and having him shut you down would likely get rid of most of it. I used to have a bit of a crush on my pdoc and occasionally ran into him on public transportation...strangely on the bus I was often the last open seat and I can’t remember exactly what I said or did I think I may have smiled too widely well he sort of looked shocked and it ended my whole crush. This was after our working relationship had already ended because he moved to a military facility so I’d didn’t think much of it. I’ve run into him since then and he still seems just as concerned for my well being even though I’m not paying him. Anyway a professional will know how to handle this properly.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 08:36 PM
  #3
Wow. I think it is good that you acknowledge your feelings and understand why you have them. I believe knowing why we have certain impulses or feelings weakens their power over us.

I do think it's odd that your psychiatrist would flat out tell you what to do about a major life decision (could he have been joking or not literal?).

To me, it seems that the move could be wrong if your husband is the only person who wants it and you are being forced to go along with it. Is there any benefit for you in moving to Europe or will you be giving up everything you value to accommodate your husband? Will you feel isolated and alone there or are you able to make new friends easily? Will there be other benefits such as increased household income?
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 09:43 PM
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Wow. I think it is good that you acknowledge your feelings and understand why you have them. I believe knowing why we have certain impulses or feelings weakens their power over us.

I am glad that I have been gaining this insight.

I do think it's odd that your psychiatrist would flat out tell you what to do about a major life decision (could he have been joking or not literal?).

He was not joking and he was being literal. I believe he is genuinely concerned that such a stressful move would be destabilizing for me. That can certainly be a concern most doctors would have for me.

To me, it seems that the move could be wrong if your husband is the only person who wants it and you are being forced to go along with it. Is there any benefit for you in moving to Europe or will you be giving up everything you value to accommodate your husband? My husband believes that given my disability and the uncertainty about health coverage in the future, that living in Europe could be safer for us. My husband is a European. Our finances would provide more for us there than they do in our current state. 2020 may influence our next steps. As for friends and family, there would be little loss living in Europe. Culture shock is an issue, but one can also have culture shock moving within one's own country. Language skills would need to be improved, but we are not beginners in the language. Will you feel isolated and alone there or are you able to make new friends easily? Will there be other benefits such as increased household income?
More financial security. We can't afford to live where we do anymore. We could live better in the European destination, especially considering the healthcare security.
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Default Dec 05, 2019 at 09:11 PM
  #5
That does make it a tough decision. I hope whatever you decide works oit for you.
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Default Dec 07, 2019 at 01:51 AM
  #6
We moved from state to state because LA became too expensive for us. Your state is expensive, so consider other states as well as Europe. I think the biggest issue here is prioritizing the issues.
1. Do additional research on the quality of psych care and other aspects that would impact you at various destinations.
2. Have additional discussions weighing the pros and cons of moving and various destinations with your husband. Be careful. Some places really dont have adequate psychiatric care. I have found Phoenix to be far below LA in the quality of psych and medical care. There is more choice in a big city and the universities in big cities lead the way that has a trickle down effect with cutting edge care, med evals, second opinions. I have heard that many countries with socialized medicine have relatively poor psych care and other problems w healthcare. Your h knows in his heart he shouldnt force you to do something youre not comfortable with.
3. Find a new pdoc at your chosen location. Research them. Call and have an actual consultation by phone or Skype to preselect a pdoc. I really feel that putting the focus on the future will reduce your issues with how to part with your very special pdoc.
4. Start to plan your move. I planned our move from Southern California to Phoenix down to the last detail.
IF YOU FOCUS IS ON THE FUTURE, THE SITUATION W YOUR CURRENT PDOC WILL ACQUIRE LESSER IMPORTANCE AND CAUSE YOU LESS DISTRESS. Yes, it is a good idea for your current doctor to brief any new pdoc you select.
I know everything is going to work out for you!

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Default Dec 07, 2019 at 06:46 PM
  #7
I’m sure there are entire books about transference. I guess the main point would be whether it gets in the way of your wellness. Of course the most obvious way to avoid an obsessive transference would be to get a female doctor. Your husband will be able to spend more time w you in retirement, so perhaps you won’t need the extent of nurturing your present pdoc provides. Just a thought.

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Default Dec 10, 2019 at 10:22 AM
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I’m sure there are entire books about transference. I guess the main point would be whether it gets in the way of your wellness. Of course the most obvious way to avoid an obsessive transference would be to get a female doctor. Your husband will be able to spend more time w you in retirement, so perhaps you won’t need the extent of nurturing your present pdoc provides. Just a thought.
@luvyrself, I think my next psychiatrist should be a female, if possible. We'll see. I'm not quite ready to make a drastic switch, but I am trying to see him less often. When he was scheduling future appointments, he offered one that was two weeks after my next one. I told him that 3 weeks after was fine. Perhaps I'll try to go 4 weeks in the future.

I'm afraid that the only US states that I'd consider, besides my own, are states that would likely not offer any easier situation than my current state.It's true that a foreign land is a big culture change, but some US states are a real culture change, as well.

France has excellent healthcare. We're not considering third world countries. Another advantage of France compared to other European countries is that my husband and I speak a good amount of French already. We would still need to do some intensive study, but we'd be OK even without a lot extra. My Czech husband does not wish to return to Czech Republic. Though he is fluent in Czech, I know very little. Czech is a much more difficult language to learn than French.
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Default Dec 11, 2019 at 06:35 AM
  #9
I took a quick look at the French healthcare system. They have a government run program, eg socialized healthcare plus a private program. Its nice that they offer a choice. However, the one I imagine you would choose if you are watching costs with your husbands retirement, would be government healthcare. Please be careful. A close friend of mine lived in England, and I have heard from her and from many people that socialized medicine can have really poor psychiatric care. Many countries are WAY behind the US in psychiatric care. Why not do a thread here asking for info from French people, especially bipolars. I would ask preferably for someone who has also lived in the US, or they have no way to compare the two. Oui magnifique, when they may never had a really good pdoc like yours. Definitely be in touch in advance with specific questions for some pdocs in the area you plan to move to in France. Of course I will be coming to visit, so Ill need someone good, too ! LOL LOL It is a big relief that you would still be on Psych Central!!
When are you making an exploratory trip to France? What region? How exciting!

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Default Dec 12, 2019 at 09:29 AM
  #10
It’s on my ex’s bucket list to see the louvre and we would perhaps visit Normandy beaches in honor of my dad serving as a tank commander under Patton, but I fear i would never push this thru without at least someone to email over there. Thepcworld seems to be a truly small world.

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Default Dec 15, 2019 at 10:31 PM
  #11
You do realize that a copay is called a copay because it's only a part of what he will be paid, yes? So if he bills $200 and you pay a $25 copay, insurance then pays $175 (or whatever the "allowed amount" is, which is often lower, but not by a whole lot). Copays are only a small part of the financial compensation for appointments. Not saying he is doing it for the money, just clarifying that every time you see him he has a heftier financial incentive than whatever your copay is.

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