Hurting so much

I just want to get some feelings out and this feels a better place for some reason even though I'm not sure my feelings are actually romantic, more a mix of different types.

I've known for a few weeks that T is getting married this month. I've told her it's a struggle for me and we have discussed it on and off on the lead up to Christmas. Since then, I've not mentioned it as been preoccupied with other stuff. During our most recent session, T forgot to tell me that it's next weekend she's getting married and will be away for a few days. She's been quite unwell and she didn't connect the two things....my session with her being away. She told me in a text later on and apologised profusely for forgetting. When I read the text I felt awful, panicky, frightened. I felt like bursting into tears. The fact she forgot to tell me in person isn't a problem although it would have helped to tell her how I was feeling as she would have been sensitive to this there and then.. We have arranged an earlier session when she isn't away and thankfully it's before the weekend, so I can talk about this before she gets married. But I don't understand why my feelings are so intense. What is wrong with me that is making me feel like this?

I'm not gay, as far as I know. I get attracted to guys.
My female T is getting married to a guy.
The deep seated feeling I'm having is that I'm losing her. T has told me over and over that nothing is going to change, but it FEELS like it's all changing.
I think I'm jealous - really profoundly jealous - of her husband to be, of all the people who will be at her wedding, the fact I'm left out of her life.
I am attracted to her, but it doesn't feel like a sexual thing per se, although physically I do find her attractive.
Maybe I'm in love with her?
Or maybe it's a childlike possessive kind of longing and wanting to push the partner out, like a displaced oedipal complex?

On a more mature, functional level, I'm really happy for her. She's a truly lovely person and no one deserves this more than her. I want her to have a wonderful day. I want her to be happy. I KNOW that it's ridiculous to think anything will change when I see her once a week, time I pay for. I know she will be keen to get back to work after her days off. I know her attention will still be on me in the room, it's not as if it's a whirlwind romance - her guy has been around for a long time, so the marriage won't affect her behaviour towards clients.

But it's killing me inside. It's so upsetting that I'm trying to make some plans for the weekend so I can distract myself and not think about her wedding. Maybe seeing her this week will help me and not make the pain worse. I will have to try and be honest and say I don't know why I feel so badly about this, but my feelings are really intense and I want to understand them.

Sorry that you are going through this. Yes the feelings can be intense. You may never fully understand them. Sometimes I've found that understanding isn't the goal. Rather the goal is to learn to be ok with your feelings. It's ok to feel scared that her marriage with change things, even if you rationally know it won't.

I hope you can talk to her honestly before the wedding. It sounds like you may have talked about it some already. It may feel good to have her reassurance and insight. It also may be good to have a little bit of a plan for your weekend. Just make sure you allow yourself to feel if you need to feel!

I went through this when my T had his youngest baby. I was the neediest and clingiest client ever. I felt so bad being a little jealous of a baby. I don't think anything helped me, just time to see that things would be the same and a lot of patience from him.

Thank you for your reply Tikatikadoom. You've picked up on something really important. I do always want to understand my feelings and its something I've done all my life as a way to try and avoid them, or get rid of them. I find it very hard to sit with intense feelings and let them be. I want to rationalise it all away, and sometimes this helps, but I'm left with the feelings.

Yes, I have brought the issue up with her. I had a dream about the wedding which was actually quite telling in terms of how I feel and what I need and I did talk about it with her. She has always been reassuring about nothing changing and the fact she cares about me. She knows it is a struggle. I hadn't mentioned it for the last two sessions as other stuff was dominant, but now that her wedding is actually happening all the feelings have intensified. I'm relieved that I have the chance to see her to talk about the wedding before it happens. Not that I'm planning to stop it or anything (haha) but just to feel I've had the chance to let her know just how bad this feels now. I expect she will reassure me again but the feeling runs so deep that maybe all we can both do is sit with it and accept it's there. Maybe it's just about saying look, I hate this, I hate the fact you care about other people that much and they're not me, I hate that I won't even be there with all the important people, I hate that I wish I could be the only person in your life (no, I can't say that, it's not fair).

I'm scared though...I don't want to ruin the day for her. I'm sure I couldn't possibly do that, but I feel anxious about telling her I'm hurting over what is likely going to be one of the best days of her life. It feels kind of horrible. She has excellent boundaries and self awareness and can separate my stuff from hers, but I'm still anxious about going into my pain in case it hurts her. That will be the main barrier I think.

I'm sorry you experienced this with your T's baby. I would hate that too. In fact I'm already insanely jealous of my T's kids. I try not to think about them it hurts so much, but it can be awful going into her home and seeing their stuff around. But yes, your last sentence is really powerful and I honestly think that's exactly what I need.

Oh well. Just heard that she's ill again so don't think I will get the chance to talk about any of this before the wedding anyway.

Ugh, I'm sorry about your T being ill, Lonely. And I understand what you're feeling about the wedding. My T hadn't worn his wedding ring in like 9 months, then suddenly started wearing it again last week (well, he didn't have it on a couple days ago), and it had some weird effect on me. I guess I'd made assumptions that he was separated or divorced or at least struggling in his marriage. I felt maybe it helped explain why he seemed different over the summer (was harsher to me about certain things, which led to me terminating for a bit--I'd thought maybe a countertransference thing, since one of the things was about my threatening to leave).


His having his ring back on suddenly almost felt like a betrayal or something. Talking about all of it with him, though scary, helped. Including the various explanations I'd come up with. And I also admitted to him that I felt maybe if he was separated or divorced, that maybe he was a bit lonely, so talking to a female around his age (me) might have more meaning to him (I confirmed that I didn't mean romantically). And he means so much to me, that it helped to think maybe I was giving him something besides money. He was very understanding of that as well, and it led to a good discussion about my desire to feel important to people in my life.


So I definitely suggest talking to your T. If it can't be before the wedding, then after.

Thanks Lonesome. I can understand how you feel regarding the wedding ring. Something like that can be hugely significant to us clients. It would make me wonder a lot of things as well, especially if my newly married T took her ring off at some point and then resumed wearing it some time later. I can see myself struggling with different feelings over it like wondering if they had split up and then feeling awful if they hadn't. It's great you were able to be open with your T about those feelings and that it has helped. Talking to my T about her wedding has helped me too, but I haven't gone into it much. The discussion has been around my fear of loss and her reassurance that I'm not losing her, but I think there's more about the depth of my feelings that needs to be said, I don't know. Fortunately she is a great T and never gets defensive or anything, so I know what I say she will handle well and be empathic about.

There's a chance T might be okay to see me tomorrow morning. I don't know yet. She can't on Friday as she is away, so tomorrow is the only chance. She said in her text she doesn't want to miss seeing me, she knows I'm upset, but that she's poorly. I'm torn between horrendous feelings of wanting her to be okay for the wedding and not push herself to see me, and the utter pain and desperation that I absolutely need to see her before she gets married because I need to talk about it. I guess if I can't see her, I will survive it, and she will probably try and see me soon after she's back. But I am hurting so much and want to talk about her wedding so it feels terrible timing right now. It's the first time she has ever cancelled on the day, too!

I did see T today and we talked. I wasn't able to say everything, but I told her I loved her and also that it felt quite childlike in how I am afraid of losing her to her new husband. T was so empathic and told me I wasn't going to lose her and everything would be the same as it always has been. Some of the feelings she guessed for me and then we talked about them. She said she wanted to talk openly about how I am feeling about the wedding. She asked me what would help and if I would like her to text me on her wedding day so she's going to do that. I can text her at any point while she's away on honeymoon. She's also going to show me a photo of her and the groom after asking if I'd like to see one. I gave her a small present at the end and she said she is going to have it on her at the wedding. Did I ever mention I have an amazing T? The feelings won't just vanish, but seeing her today really helped.

Decided not to write it here in the end. Don't know why, I just can't. If anyone would like to know what happened, please pm me and I will tell you. I'd be interested in whether I'm over-reacting. But I'm not expecting anyone to so no worries if not interested.

You're welcome to PM me.

Does that feel helpful? I would find that an extremely difficult offer to consider. It sounds like a strategy to ease discomfort in the short term, but I wonder what this describes about the limits of her ability to respond to your needs and how you can learn to self-soothe/enjoy your own boundaries. I say this as someone who has experienced my therapist extending various boundaries which has caused me distress. It doesn't seem realistic, although it is clear that she wants to ease your pain.