advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Mismatch
New Member
Mismatch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 3
3 yr Member
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 07:17 AM
  #1
This is a bit of an awkward post, but ultimately, my therapist has told me he is attracted to me and I don’t really know what to do with that comment.

I’m female and my male therapist is 30 years older than me. I originally went to him 6 years ago when I was in my 20’s because I had/have low self esteem and panic attacks, and his website stated that this was his area of expertise.
From the moment I walked in, we got on like a house on fire. Not only did he help me immensely with my original problems, but we could also spend ages putting the world to rights and he would sometimes disclose things that were happening (or had happened) in his own personal life too. It felt like we were friends and I found myself really drawn to him. I’d spend most of my spare time thinking about him and I even tried to convince myself that a 30 year age gap wouldn’t matter. I’d booked a summer holiday and contemplated not going as I knew it would mean I’d have to miss a week of therapy. I even got a second job and started working 6 days a week so I could fund the cost of continued therapy that, in all honesty, I no longer needed. I was infatuated with him and he sometimes said or did things that made me wonder if he felt the same. I found him so easy to talk to that I actually contemplated telling him how I felt, until he announced he was seeing someone else. I never went back after that. I knew I couldn’t have him and had to get over my obsession. Then I started seeing someone too, and the infatuation ended.

But, it appears he never really left my mind.

Last year, I started struggling with my self esteem again and the panic attacks returned. I approached the NHS and started weekly CBT sessions but I felt like I was sitting in a room with a robot and I was just a number to them. I left each session feeling like I’d annoyed the therapist just by being there, and spent more time worrying what he thought of me than actually progressing with therapy. So, I looked up my old therapist and found he was still practicing. I’ve had various things happen in life over the past 6 years and always thought of him first but something always stopped me from contacting him. This time though, I felt an incredible urge to get in touch with him because I knew he’d give me what I wanted - self assurance. So I did, I explained on the phone that I was an ex-client of his and mentioned something he once said to me in therapy that made me feel really good about myself, and he remembered me instantly, said he doesn’t say that to ‘just anyone’ and invited me straight in the next day.
I felt the old rush of adrenaline pulling up outside his house and burst into tears the moment he opened his door and said how nice it was to see me. When he asked me why I was crying, I told him it was because he was nice to me, something I didn’t get very often.
It was like being reunited with an old friend. I could talk just as openly to him as before and when he asked me why I chose to come back to him, I told him that I felt I could trust him to which he said ‘I think it’s a bit more than that though’ which left me feeling confused about what he meant.
After a couple of sessions, I told him how about my body image issues and how I felt that I was repulsive to men. Then he told me in his words: ‘I know I shouldn’t say it, but I am attracted to you’ in his aim to prove a point that I’m not repulsive to men.
He asked me if I minded him saying that to which I said ‘I don’t mind, because I like compliments!’ He’d literally said what I wanted him to say 6 years ago and now that he has, I’m not sure what to do about it. I wanted self assurance, so in theory I got what I wanted, but now I’m right back to where I was 6 years ago. I can’t get him out of my head, but I genuinely don’t think it’s because I want a relationship with him, I don’t think I ever really did, I just like the idea of it because of the unconditional acceptance and confidence boost he gives me, which is something I crave in ‘real life.’

I can’t bear the thought of ending therapy and going back to the robotic existence of CBT. This man genuinely helped me last time and got rid of my panic attacks for 6 years. But another side of me is wondering if it can ever be the same now he’s said that, even though I actually wanted him to say it!. Aghhhh this is so confusing, what do I do??
Mismatch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, Blueberry21, chihirochild, LonesomeTonight, NP_Complete, SoAn, stahrgeyzer

advertisement
Blueberry21
Member
Blueberry21 finally might be emerging from depression.
 
Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: London, UK
Posts: 111
3 yr Member
480 hugs
given
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 07:47 PM
  #2
I just want to say that I’ve read your post and this sounds incredibly complicated and difficult.

The way I’m reading the situation is that you’ll need to either:
a. Admit to how you feel about him and have the boundary-setting discussion (even though he finds you attractive nothing will happen between you two)
B. Terminate the therapy - at which point you might be able to explore a relationship if both of you are actually available for that.

I only mention point B because you did have a six year break and only just resumed - it seems like if you quickly terminate now because of the attraction, it would be ethically sort of okay for you to date, because of the very long break.

That said - 30 years is a very large age gap, and you’re smart to be considering whether you ACTUALLY want him, or just the validation etc.
Blueberry21 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, Mismatch, SoAn
Anonymous46341
Guest
Anonymous46341 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jan 24, 2020 at 12:28 PM
  #3
I think Blueberry21's advice is right on the money. You will need to make a decision about the option. Though I can't know exactly what's going on between you and your therapist, option A might be worth exploring before just running away, but only you know. I will say that option A should NOT be regarded as a means of potentially starting a romantic relationship with him. It should rather allow the processing of transference (and possible countertransference) to be done in a helpful and therapeutic way, tools to guide you out of the transference and ultimately resolve issues. If you read a lot about both, you'll see that most therapists see transference as helpful more than harmful.

My guess is that your therapist was very truthful when he said he was attracted to you. He was likely very honest when he said he remembered you well. However, that doesn't mean he wants a romantic relationship with you. Or if he wished he could, he certainly should not act on it. I think you are likely an attractive woman. Obviously, I don't know what you look like, but beauty is far more than the superficial definition. And even most people are far more superficially attractive than they allow themselves to think. The thing is, you formed a connection with this therapist. You let down your guard. He saw the real you and the real you is attractive. The goal, I think, is for you to more fully recognize that and be able to show it more easily with others in your life. Not your just your therapist, but others. When you feel more comfortable doing that, this transference love (erotic transference) will ease/fade. Though you obviously admire this therapist, I doubt that you really want HIM. You just want how you feel around him, and there's nothing wrong with that.

As an aside, though 30 years older is a huge age gap, I'm not totally against couples with huge age gaps. My psychiatrist is 26 or so years older than me, and I can still utterly adore and be attracted to him. Even my husband is 13 years older than me. I don't see that as a problem, especially since other factors didn't complicate our relationship (kids from other marriages, etc.)
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Blueberry21, Mismatch
Mismatch
New Member
Mismatch has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 3
3 yr Member
Default Jan 24, 2020 at 02:59 PM
  #4
Thank you both for replying.


[q]The thing is, you formed a connection with this therapist. You let down your guard. He saw the real you and the real you is attractive. The goal, I think, is for you to more fully recognize that and be able to show it more easily with others in your life. Not your just your therapist, but others.[/q]

You should be a therapist yourself with that answer. I definitely need to do this more, but its hard because I have such low self esteem I just don't know how to 'be' anymore. You are right though, because a long time ago, when I was myself, I did get a lot of male attention. Confidence is the key!

I also agree that it doesn't mean he actually wants a relationship and could literally be saying it just to make a point that I am not what I think I am (unattractive). Maybe, on hindsight, bringing up up in therapy may actually be a good way to work through some of my body image issues.


I do know for sure though, that it if goes unsaid, things won't be the same as I'll be holding back my true thoughts, and he probably will be too, which misses the point in therapy.


Just the idea of being with someone who accepts you exactly as you are, is really powerful. Especially when you don't get that in other areas in life. I guess that's why transference happens in the first place.
Mismatch is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, Blueberry21, LonesomeTonight
 
Thanks for this!
Blueberry21, LonesomeTonight
Rive.
Magnate
Rive. has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,002
10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 26, 2020 at 05:53 AM
  #5
I see going back to him as playing with fire. You know there is something between the two of you, yet you went back to him, which means part of you still wanted to explore and/or test that. Now you are faced with this slippery slope.

As for this guy, red flags are popping up.
Rive. is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
stahrgeyzer
Magnate
stahrgeyzer has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: southern california
Posts: 2,238
5 yr Member
5,559 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 27, 2020 at 10:48 PM
  #6
Sorry if I misunderstood, but it sounds like he's merely saying he's attracted to you, not that he would in any shape or form have a relationship with you. Sure, he's being honest with you that he is attracted to you, but I think the only reason he said that was to help you with your self-esteem. If I was in your situation I would definitely stay with him. If there was even the slightest thought that you think he would have a relationship with you, then I think you should ask him. I think he's trying to help you. Wishing you the best!
stahrgeyzer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341
TeaVicar?
Member
 
TeaVicar?'s Avatar
TeaVicar? They're from M and S...
 
Member Since: Apr 2015
Location: in the parlour.
Posts: 353
8 yr Member
99 hugs
given
Default Feb 04, 2020 at 06:13 AM
  #7
I would tread carefully with this person and tune into your instincts. Some of the language he has used is a little worrying. It might be nothing and if he's helping you that's great, just be aware of the language he uses and his behaviour. Generally speaking, a therapist shouldn't make it known that they are giving you 'special' treatment or doing you a favour (that they're not doing for or giving to their other clients). 'Special' treatment is a no no. Also the language he used to tell you that he finds you attractive is problematic. He could have easily said "you are an attractive woman", which is fine but instead he said:
"I probably shouldn't say this..." - admitting impropriety and testing your reaction.
"...I find you attractive" - making it about his feelings, rather than yours.
I think a good therapist might have explored why you feel that why about yourself first, before acknowledging your attractiveness. I might be being pedantic about the words he used and all therapists say the wrong things from time to time, just be careful with this guy.

Also, you don't have to go back to CBT. There are a few low cost options for therapy in UK, especially if you live in a city.

__________________
"It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott
TeaVicar? is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, thesnowqueen
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:49 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.