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Default May 03, 2020 at 11:55 AM
  #1
My therapist thinks that I’m experiencing erotic transference towards him. I have a difficult time agreeing with him since I don’t find him physically attractive and haven’t ever had sexual or romantic thoughts/feelings/fantasies about him. But he insists, nonetheless.

What does erotic transference look and feel like?
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Default May 03, 2020 at 12:29 PM
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What has led him to this conclusion? That you want comfort and support from him right now?

I don't think there has to be a physical attraction, but I'd imagine there would need to be some sort of sexual or romantic thoughts about him. Even if you were having those thoughts and feelings, is there something to be gained by calling it out? Is he trying to blame your recent ruptures on erotic transference instead of on his inability to listen to what you're saying and provide support right now?
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Default May 03, 2020 at 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by NP_Complete View Post
What has led him to this conclusion? That you want comfort and support from him right now?

I don't think there has to be a physical attraction, but I'd imagine there would need to be some sort of sexual or romantic thoughts about him. Even if you were having those thoughts and feelings, is there something to be gained by calling it out? Is he trying to blame your recent ruptures on erotic transference instead of on his inability to listen to what you're saying and provide support right now?
I'm not entirely sure why he's so dead-set on this conclusion, to be honest. I think it has something to do with the fact that at one point I told him that I was afraid he'd find me physically repulsive, and he interpreted that fear as a wish that he would find me physically attractive. A bit of a backbend getting there, wasn't it?

I totally do think that he's trying to blame our rupture on my issues rather than his inability to provide the support I need. Nonetheless, I try to keep an open mind (maybe he's right for the wrong reason?), so I'm curious about what erotic transference looks and feels like.
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Default May 03, 2020 at 07:36 PM
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Hm, that's odd... I'd think of your desire to be comforted and supported by him as more paternal than erotic--not saying that you have paternal transference. Just that desire for comfort often comes from a younger place. It's what made me realize that the majority of my transference for ex-MC was paternal (though there was a little erotic at times). When I first experienced it, I kept having this thought of "I wish he could hold me." I initially thought it was romantic, but then realized it was more like what a child would want from a parent.


It does seem a bit like your T is trying to put some blame for the rupture on you. Honestly, it makes me think a bit of the whole stone thing that happened with Dr. T, where he was weirded out by my holding the stone if I associated it with him (vs. therapy space) and said he didn't have to explain/justify his reaction to me. In the sense of trying to shift responsibility to you. And it's also like he's suggesting that comfort isn't a "normal" thing for a client to seek from a therapist (which...I could see Dr. T thinking something like that as well).

I do think for something to be erotic transference, there needs to be some sort of sexual thoughts or fantasies. Or perhaps romantic ones, like wishing you could date or marry your T. The fact that you don't have them suggest to me that it's *not* erotic transference. Possibly some element of paternal there. But it may just simply be that you're looking for support and comfort during a difficult time in your life, which is completely natural, and there's nothing else there.
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Default May 04, 2020 at 05:29 AM
  #5
I mostly have paternal transference, but sometimes it switches to erotic. When it first started, I caught myself having sexual fantasies about him...him having sex with me. He's a lot older than me and under normal circumstances, I wouldn't find him attractive. Not that he isn't attractive, he's just too close in age to my parents for me to think of someone of his generation in that way. I think my erotic transference blossomed out of a need for closeness and comfort and maybe a bit of sexual frustration after a breakup. So because he is safe, my imagination jumped at the opportunity to "use" him in such fantasies, if you know what I mean. I don't think that for me it's as simple as "I imagined having sex with him, therefore I fancy him"; I actually think my erotic transference is another manifestation of my paternal transference, weird as that may sound. This may be too much information, but in my fantasies, he's the one who always takes charge, who shows me what a healthy/respectful sexual relationship should look like...so he's never quite removed from that teacher/mentor role.

That being said, when he said I was attractive (in context, not just a random compliment), I dwelled on it for ages. I couldn't;t get it out of my head, that he finds me attractive as a woman. I didn't realise how much I was longing for that sort of "approval" from him, even if only in a therapeutic context, or as part of a thought exercise.

He knows about my paternal transference, but I haven't mustered the courage to tell him about the erotic fantasies. If he brought it up, I think I would like to explore these feelings/thoughts with him. I think that for me, both my erotic and paternal transference have a lot to do with me wanting to be close to him, in whatever way is possible (only in my head, I would never act on it). I also think that the erotic transference is a sort of metaphor for vulnerability. I think he's the only person who has fully seen my vulnerability, so maybe my head is inverting it somehow....emotional vulnerability/physical vulnerability. But I'm probably overthinking.

Anyway, I hope this helps.
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Default May 04, 2020 at 09:16 AM
  #6
It doesn't sound to me like you have erotic transference - you don't fantasise about sex or any sort of romantic liaison with hm, you don't find him physically attractive - so it seems pretty clear that it's not erotic transference.

The issue really is why he's determined to suggest that you are. That would worry me a great deal. It seems like there is something going on for him that is taking over his agenda and making him think you're erotically attracted to him but in denial of it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

To answer your question, I think erotic transference can be experienced in a number of ways and not necessarily just the obvious. I am a heterosexual female who sees a female T and I believe I experience erotic transference towards her. I DON'T desire sex with her but I am attracted to her physically and I think it goes beyond simply admiring her looks as it feels very magnetic and intense. I have read that it can be compared to the intense bond between parent and child when the child literally wants to bond with the (usually female) parent and not be separate from her, like going back into the womb. In adult life the need for intense bonding usually translates into sex. So strong intense feelings of attraction can become confused. I think this may be what is going on for me but I'm not sure. However, the feelings are very strong and this is what I believe is the hallmark of erotic transference - there has to be strong, magnetic feelings towards the therapist on a very visceral level.

But I honestly don't think you are experiencing that from what you've said.
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Default May 04, 2020 at 05:47 PM
  #7
He shouldn't be trying to fit you into his hypothesis. A good therapist will work with the material the client presents. Perhaps he's experiencing counter transference and thinks it's linked to something in your unconcious? Even if that were true, he can't tell you what you don't yet know and he can't determine what's in your unconcious. You both have to wait for the material to emerge - that's why therapy takes such a long time. I hope he has a supervisor.

Erotic transference is the term used for sexual attraction/feelings towards a therapist. You would know about it if you were experincing it. I'm sure it varies from person to person, someone might have a less intense sexual attraction. What I experienced was very intense, in both a positive and negative sense. It felt like a force beyond my control.

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Default May 04, 2020 at 05:50 PM
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also, in my experience, it's not a good idea to get hung up on theory, go with what you're feeling. It will save you time in the long run. Tell your therapist this too!

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Default May 04, 2020 at 05:57 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
My therapist thinks that I’m experiencing erotic transference towards him. I have a difficult time agreeing with him since I don’t find him physically attractive and haven’t ever had sexual or romantic thoughts/feelings/fantasies about him. But he insists, nonetheless.

What does erotic transference look and feel like?
What kind of therapist 'insists' you feel something you don't? It's like the opposite of what therapy is about. I feel really angry towards this guy. This is not far off gaslighting.

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Default May 06, 2020 at 06:33 AM
  #10
Sounds like projection, perhaps he is projecting onto YOU what he feels about you. This sounds all wrong.
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Default May 14, 2020 at 05:42 PM
  #11
Isn't this a longstanding delusion of his? He can't seem to grasp non-erotic attachment or transference, it seems. Well, he has always been arrogant, so I guess that's in line with his personality to assume you have erotic transference. He wishes.

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Default May 15, 2020 at 04:30 PM
  #12
An update: I was talking with my T today about my dad saying something creepy to me.
Possible trigger:


After a long and excruciating discussion, T ended up saying something like, "I'm feeling a little guilty and a little sheepish. I'm not sure why I didn't see this before. What I thought was dissociated erotic transference towards me might actually be echoes of this dynamic with your dad. Especially regarding how you have been afraid of me hurting you." And that made a lot of sense to me too.

So now he *also* agrees it's probably not erotic transference
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Default May 15, 2020 at 07:49 PM
  #13
Good that he finally realized that!
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Default May 16, 2020 at 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
My therapist thinks that I’m experiencing erotic transference towards him. I have a difficult time agreeing with him since I don’t find him physically attractive and haven’t ever had sexual or romantic thoughts/feelings/fantasies about him. But he insists, nonetheless.

What does erotic transference look and feel like?
i hope i can say this without troubling anyone. it is only my own opinion. i think transference is a really silly term used by the mental health profession to find a way out of romantic/other feelings (just in case) by making it appear to be some kind of special mental thing that happens in the therapy/provider/patient relationship. how ever, and to answer the question of what transference looks and feels like, i’d say it is exactly what it is like when feeling some kind of attraction (romantic or sexual or whatever) toward anyone at any time.

i think it is exactly the same in therapy. there is a person who is helping you and being nice. it makes sense to be attracted in one way or another. that you are not in this particular situation is just as likely. maybe your therapist is attracted to you. maybe he is trying to get you interested or maybe he just does not even realize it because therapist are people too and subject to the same kinds of feelings and attractions.

i would only suggest that if you feel like somehow he is imposing things on you that you don’t want, you should tell him and most likely he will stop. if not then you should consider seeing someone else. but this all needs to be carefully considered and discussed so mistakes are not made and bad feelings caused. i hope i’m being helpful.
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