struggling with boundaries with spiritual elder

I've had mental health issues for over 20 years, but in the past couple of years since attending a new congregation I've been more stable.

However, lately I have felt that an elder/ leader there has been crossing my boundaries and because I find it difficult to process information quickly enough to respond there and then I am not sure what to do.

For example, yesterday she suggested to me that I could go on prayer walks on my own because I don't get enough exercise and when she asked me about exercise before, I explained that I don't feel comfortable walking out alone. So now I feel doubly guilty about not going out for walks - not only am I not exercising but I am neglecting to pray too!

I know she is well meaning and trying to be helpful, but I am feeling pressured by her. Another example is monetary giving to the congregation - I have been in debt because of cuts in welfare payments but she is saying to still keep giving something.

It has been in my nature to want to please where I can, but I have been feeling a knee jerk reaction of wanting to leave because I don't know how to handle this because basically I am being 'out thought/ out manouvred' if I try and explain where I am coming from or my point of view. It just seems to give her more ammunition to ponder on and for her to come back to me with an even better idea for her to change me.

I know she's doing this with the intention of helping me but I don't think I'm on the same page as her, so to speak, with regard to how I would like to move forwards, and I don't want to run her down because its been my lack of assertiveness that has contributed to this situation.

For example, I'm now volunteering in a job I dislike primarily because I felt pressured and I wanted to do a course purely for enjoyment because I thought it would get my brain working better, and she discouraged me from doing it because she didn't think it would lead to employment.

Can anyone relate to this? I want to say something but not something I regret.

Edit: It's just occurred to me that maybe I ought to have posted in the relationships forum - I wasn't sure....

I'm sorry you're feeling under pressure. I'm assuming you're shy - I've had similar situations in the past. Unfortunately in these cases the only think to do is being honest, but firm, so if you're not interested in doing something just say no. It's hard, but I think it's the best solution.

Thanks for your reply MickeyCheeky - you're right that I need to practise saying no! Since taking prescription drugs for mental health that seems to have been more difficult to do.
I appreciate your response

I agree, assertivity in this case is the best solution. I absolutely understand and get how difficult it can be because I'm shy as well and I find it difficult to say no. But perhaps try to view this as an exercise. When you look at the situation, although it looks overwhelming, there's really not much to lose and this isn't a really serious issue in you life, is it? I mean you're not "sinning" in any way, this person is not your family, and you're not doing anything wrong or illegal. So take this like a game, to see how you can practise your communication skills and if something goes wrong nothing that bad is going to happen, right?
At least this is what helps me when I'm anxious about social situations.

Keep us updated.

Thanks for your reply seeker. Im very tired but have been thinking that I'm really not sure where to begin. I know that she is faster than me mentally. Also I don't want to be in the position of having to explain myself again because it seems to be a way of her getting more control by having more personal information about me, if that makes sense.

Edit:I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I need to plan what to say but I'm struggling to know where to begin because part of me would rather walk away because of the above.

Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do. You can choose what's more comfortable or practical for you. Even about the "explaining", you don't have to explain why you won't do what she says. Simply say no, I don't like that idea and that's it. I know it's easier said than done though. Do you have a T with whom you could consult this?

Thanks for your reply seeker. I hear what you are saying, its the doing of it that I need to practise I suppose - I don't have a T to talk it over with.

I was thinking that perhaps I could just say, I don't really want to talk about my health etc, could we talk about something else......we tend to be talking on our own over coffee. I think she is meeting me mainly to see how I am - pastorally.

Im realising it's now obvious what I need to say but I don't know why I'm struggling so much to actually speak out.

It’s not her job or any of her business to push you, guilt you, or bully you. Don’t let her drive you away from a place you are enjoying and feel good in.

You can keep a distance from her, not give her information to throw in your face, not indulge in conversation with her about these topics, tell her to back off and how you do you and she should do her.

She may think she is helping you, but she’s just bullying you.

Thanks for your reply TishaBuv. Yes, I'd rather not meet with her one to one anymore, or at least for a period of time, but she's in the role of an elder so as long as I agree to attend this particular group then I will have to learn to relate with her.
I will have a think through about whether I want to keep attending.

I guess I don't understand the whole organised religion thing. Any religious situation that demands you behave a certain way and perform a certain way is problematic for me. Case in point, the demand you tithe. I question an organisation that would demand you do anything that is difficult or detrimental to you and giving money you do not have is quite bothersome. If anything they ought to be offering you assistance instead of the other way around. Just my two cents here.

Regardless though, you attend because something about doing so does in fact provide comfort and if that is the case then I encourage you to embrace it. However, if you find that it is not so encouraging a situation you might have to re-evaluate things (I have no recommendation here nor tell you what is correct).

At the very least, you should feel the freedom to talk to your advisor about your concerns and difficulties. Be clear that some of the requirements are frankly beyond your capabilities. If they cannot come to terms with your spiritual needs are you in a position to get another?

Hi Wishfulthinker, thanks for your post. I think that's the trouble. ...at the moment I'm not quite sure where to attend if I don't go there. I think I've decided to withdraw a bit and have actually seen a mental health based course which I'd like to attend so I've signed up for a trial session. I think what I'm struggling with is what feels like control but it wasn't happening so much initially., its just as what I thought was friendship developed into more of someone attempting to mentor me but we don't have the same interests and I feel she's trying to steer me.
Sorry, I'm probably repeating myself. I think she can be nice to have as a more distant friend but not this close. I just didn't realise how opening up to her could become such a problem. A couple of times when I've been with people she's started to question me about things I thought I'd shared in confidence so Ive obviously made a mistake trusting but my guard was down.

Edit: I know I've got to either talk to this person directly but I just haven't wanted to as I feel out of my depth. Either that or I ought to accept that I may need to leave.

It’s a shame you’ve found a spiritual home for yourself and feel uncomfortable due to this one person’s behavior. I hope you’re able to find a way to work the problem out and not have to leave if you don’t want to. Do you think you would be able to discuss with this person how you feel about your personal boundaries being crossed? In most cases I find it’s not possible to have open and direct conversations like this with people... but when it’s possible I have found it’s very productive. Best of luck to you. ❤️

I agree it’s not her job to bully or guilt you

Unfortunately, bullies are usually not open to having open discussions about boundaries etc But I hope this works out for you

Thanks for everyone's replies. I have been thinking it through more and think that some of this could really be just basic misunderstandings and assumptions that have taken place over our expectations - as well as different personality types. Today after being told that she wasn't free to visit me (which I hadn't asked for) I just said 'I'm okay, I'm fine' and that was accepted. I think she feels she needs to care for me but because of mis-communication this situation has come about. Relationships can be so complex!!! This is a learning curve for me for sure.

I suppose I tend to think of bullies as more overt, but generally whats happening seems to be more about assumptions she is making and me not being quick enough to challenge them!

Please consider writing this woman a letter -- just what you have put in your posts here.

When I have not wanted to engage with someone, I have found it helpful to say something like, "I'm not going to be able to ..." (meet, chat with you right now...etc). If they don't get that as a 'no' and they ask, "Why?" I look them in the eye and say, "Because I am not feeling well right now."

No need to elaborate on that. If they are totally clueless and continue to ask why then I leave/walk away.

My feelings on organised religion have been laid out before and this is just one such example of why I am troubled with it. From what I know of the beliefs around Jesus this is so far removed from what sort of individual he was and the practices he kept that this sort of behaviour is highly questionable. I don't mean to attack your faith and Church but to me anyone that makes such demands is not something in good conscious ethical or even moral. Is it possible for you to explore what else is available out there within your faith group that does operate on ethical grounds. Furthermore, your spiritual guide is not a professional and I would try to remember that when considering their 'recommendations' and demands. As for the tithing, I'd like you to consider the true motive behind this requirement and heavy leaning on you to do so. Look around you at the church and the clergy that run it. What kind of lifestyles do they lead? Is the church in dire need of funds to operate? I really encourage you to ask yourself these things. You are already questioning the legitimacy of these things else you would not have posted. Continue to do so. If you are looking for an acknowledgment of your worry, consider that done.

Thanks very much for writing and the acknowledgement youve given. Since starting this thread other things have now happened which have prompted me to definitely leave. I can't really post them here as they'd be obvious to anyone I knew coming across them.

So I'm on verge of confirming this to the leading spiritual elder.
I didn't write in the end to the person concerned because I felt that would give them even more information about me, if that makes
sense. I guess I just didn't want to trust them to that degree.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

There are very involved people, volunteers in houses of worship who are totally obnoxious and welcomed there to wreak havoc. I’ve experienced them personally. They appear so good hearted and well meaning, but they are mean bullies, wolves in sheep’s clothing, toxic people whose own children hate them. The organization tolerates them because they are dedicated and generous with their time and money.