[amicus_curiae]

I’ve never outed myself as schizoaffective because I am no longer diagnosed with that disorder. I was diagnosed with the disorder way back in the DSM-III days, even throughout the DSM-IV period. But when FIVE arrived, the schizoaffective Disorder was dropped and I was back to my (abnormal) self, with my bipolar disorder encompassing ‘psychotic features.’

Still.

I’m in a semi-continuous state of mania/psychosis. The only time that I revert to ‘normal’ is when I am with partners who I touch and who return my touch. But I can go for 3-4 weeks without physical contact. During the periods when I cannot touch a trusted loved one I only exist within one of many delusions and a myriad of hallucinations, old and new. I am delusional now. I know - I recognize - that I am delusional but I can’t turn it off. My head, and all that it contains, is artificial. It’s held together by a structure of plastic, my skull is cheap plastic and my brain is a sort of plastic Jell-o. I can summon the dead and I can speak to them and they to me. I am aware of the unrealistic nature of these conversations but the reality is that I can do it. I am not quite a god but rather a (very, very, very) mortal demigod.

Without ‘touch,’ I exist in this continuous delusion. I watch as the dead step through my mirror.

I’m on large doses of antipsychotic medications but they make me sleep and I want to stay awake.

I’ve not seen anyone on the bipolar forum mention psychosis. And so, I came here.

Does anyone here have conscious, continuous psychosis? And hallucinations, too? I’ve never heard of these symptoms, this symptom, previously. I’m both frightened and feeling extraordinarily unique right now. Am I a human freak or is this my god-like nature?

Please. Anyone? Help?

[neodoering]

amicus;

I experience hours and hours a day of delusions, it is not unusual for the entirely 24 hours a day to be full of symptoms. Sometimes I am aware of them and fight with them, but often I catch these delusions after hours of suffering from them. And yes, I have hallucinations, too; both delusions and hallucinations feed on each other and reinforce each other's effects.

I don't know what to tell you. I have done through half a dozen anti-psychotics that work for a while--six months, a full year--then lose their efficacy. I am not a clinician and can't give you advice, but there in a nutshell is my own disorder, if you want to see how it is for someone else.

[twistypringle98]

I had continuous delusions until I recently changed my medication. I changed from haldol to risperidal consta and now I'm completely fine. It might be time to change your meds and tell your doctor about some of the psychotic symptoms if you haven't already. I didn't and knew it didn't help anything. I never hallucinate visually though.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by neodoering

amicus;

I experience hours and hours a day of delusions, it is not unusual for the entirely 24 hours a day to be full of symptoms. Sometimes I am aware of them and fight with them, but often I catch these delusions after hours of suffering from them. And yes, I have hallucinations, too; both delusions and hallucinations feed on each other and reinforce each other's effects.

I don't know what to tell you. I have done through half a dozen anti-psychotics that work for a while--six months, a full year--then lose their efficacy. I am not a clinician and can't give you advice, but there in a nutshell is my own disorder, if you want to see how it is for someone else.

I’ve been on antipsychotics since 1985. I was institutionalized from 1999-2003 and again in 2005-2013. I’ve been on my own for a bit over 5-years.

Now I’m on high-dosages of Seroquel and my beloved Thorazine for break-through. I don’t think that there exists an antipsychotic that I’ve not tried in my 11-years of institutionalizations. My... problem (?)... is that if I take as directed I can sleep for 24+ hours, unable to hear my phone (2-3 feet away, turned on high) or doorbell. And I’m groggy when awakening.

Hmm. I don’t fight with my delusions... I allow them to unfold and I feel like I control them (maybe I don’t - that’s possible). I’m very comfortable with my auditory hallucinations and fascinated by the visuals - the latter are like catching light through a prism as they unfold from white light.

I’ve not seen my therapist or pdoc for some time - I cannot afford the rides to see them now (no paratransits accepting Medicaid currently) but both know of this continuum. Neither know how much I enjoy this manic/psychotic ride, though, or my practice of dosing as I please.

The atypical’s are supposed to be so much better than the typical’s But Thorazine is my go-to when I feel that I need sleep. Even if I ‘take as directed,’ I can’t stop this continuous manic/psychotic world. I don’t want it to stop.

I can’t recall when I was last on an antidepressant? I usually flush old meds but I’ve held onto some older psych meds - antipsychotics, not antidepressants. Lithium was ‘better’ than this Seroquel.

Right now it feels as if Seroquel/Thorazine erect a very real brick wall that I bash my bloodied forehead against when they kick in and force sleep. I don’t fear sleep, I just don’t want to sleep, don’t want to die.

I’m happy in this state. I, I, I jump frequently. I hold my head in my hands and feel the elasticity of my skull, the pumping of my plastic/metal heart. I am made up of artificial parts, I am. They pump and pulse a serum with precision throughout my body. A kind of lubricant, I think. Just as the consecrated blood continues to have the appearance of wine, the lubricant has the appearance of blood. I am the child of a Titan, a 21st century Titan, also constructed and not born. The body is held in place by the organic skin, an encasement of sorts. Wolves cause harm. Boxcars transport us from one coast to another.

This is my reality. What can I do but embrace it?

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by amicus_curiae

I’ve been on antipsychotics since 1985. I was institutionalized from 1999-2003 and again in 2005-2013. I’ve been on my own for a bit over 5-years.

Now I’m on high-dosages of Seroquel and my beloved Thorazine for break-through. I don’t think that there exists an antipsychotic that I’ve not tried in my 11-years of institutionalizations. My... problem (?)... is that if I take as directed I can sleep for 24+ hours, unable to hear my phone (2-3 feet away, turned on high) or doorbell. And I’m groggy when awakening.

Hmm. I don’t fight with my delusions... I allow them to unfold and I feel like I control them (maybe I don’t - that’s possible). I’m very comfortable with my auditory hallucinations and fascinated by the visuals - the latter are like catching light through a prism as they unfold from white light.

I’ve not seen my therapist or pdoc for some time - I cannot afford the rides to see them now (no paratransits accepting Medicaid currently) but both know of this continuum. Neither know how much I enjoy this manic/psychotic ride, though, or my practice of dosing as I please.

The atypical’s are supposed to be so much better than the typical’s But Thorazine is my go-to when I feel that I need sleep. Even if I ‘take as directed,’ I can’t stop this continuous manic/psychotic world. I don’t want it to stop.

I can’t recall when I was last on an antidepressant? I usually flush old meds but I’ve held onto some older psych meds - antipsychotics, not antidepressants. Lithium was ‘better’ than this Seroquel.

Right now it feels as if Seroquel/Thorazine erect a very real brick wall that I bash my bloodied forehead against when they kick in and force sleep. I don’t fear sleep, I just don’t want to sleep, don’t want to die.

I’m happy in this state. I, I, I jump frequently. I hold my head in my hands and feel the elasticity of my skull, the pumping of my plastic/metal heart. I am made up of artificial parts, I am. They pump and pulse a serum with precision throughout my body. A kind of lubricant, I think. Just as the consecrated blood continues to have the appearance of wine, the lubricant has the appearance of blood. I am the child of a Titan, a 21st century Titan, also constructed and not born. The body is held in place by the organic skin, an encasement of sorts. Wolves cause harm. Boxcars transport us from one coast to another.

This is my reality. What can I do but embrace it?

You are speaking my language. Sadly I do not see with mine eyes things that are not present in this realm nor hear with my ears the beauty of the sounds that I crave but, my heart and mind yearn for hallucinations of many kinds and I am denied these gorgeous pleasures every second, minute and hour of my miserable existence.
It's not fair. I can be as delusional as I like in my mind and the way I perceive some things but, I never get treated to that lovely deception of my outward senses that I long for so much.
There is one within whom I long to see and the sound of who's voice would send shivers down my spine and I am constantly denied this sweetness and I do believe that it is an intended part of my personal Hell which I was created to endure.
I dare say that I almost prefer the suffering of Job over what I endure every day. It is that bad for me.
I'm so happy for you and yet so jealous. You seem quite incredible to me and I would be honored to have you as a friend.