The "Episodes"- A Personal Experience

Hey everyone. I wanted to talk about a particular thing that happens to me that I call “episodes”,, for lack of a better word. Be warned, there are some possibly triggering topics such as self-harm, so beware for you start reading.

Anyways, the episodes usually start off with some sort of warning; I feel general unease, agitation, and that agitation tends to grow if I don’t do something about it. I often will begin hallucinating, which only makes the episode further itself even quicker, as fear sets in. It’s a fearful state in general; my body begins to feel less and less my own, as if my body is trying to reject my soul, or something of the like. I always describe it as wanting to crawl out of my skin.


At that point I’m usually truly in the episode. I rock back and forth, writhe, yell, and get very strong urges to hurt myself, and sometimes do. It literally feels painful to be alive when I am in this state- it’s like a living hell. Hallucinations get even worse and I will talk to things that aren’t there sometimes. Voices tell me just general negative things; tell me that I need to hurt myself, I’m trash, etc. I can’t stay still and it’s just generally horrid. I get very scared and frantic. Afterward, when I start coming to; I can’t always even remember everything I said or did. It feels like a nightmare that I had where I can’t remember all the details- it feels like it wasn’t me, and my girlfriend often as to relay to me what happened.

Thankfully, my girlfriend is almost always around when these things happen. She can hold me and keep me from doing anything bad to myself, and try to calm me down. She makes me take klonopin when I’m in this state- it helps me come out of it a little quicker. For some reason when I’m in these episodes I vehemently say no to taking any medication.


Now, when I am going to have an episode or feel like I’m going to (usually my girlfriend can see the signs), I take a klonopin preemptively. This can slow or prevent the onset of it being so terrible. But other than that, there is nothing I can do but just go through the motions of this horrible experience…..

Does anyone else have anything similar to this? It’s so hard to even explain, but I’ve explained it the best that I could here.

I don't have any personal experience with anything like this. I really think this is something that needs to be investigated medically... & perhaps psychiatrically. Some of what you described sounds like a panic attack. But the other thing that flashed through my mind as I read your post was Tourette's Syndrome.

I don't know a lot about Tourette's. But there is a young woman who uploads videos onto YouTube who has Tourette's. I used to follow her channel. (I don't anymore.) But some of what you described reminded me of some of the experiences I recall her describing in some of her older videos. Her channel name is: idranktheseawater. Here's a link:

https://www.youtube.com/user/idranktheseawater/videos

My best wishes to you...

It isnt on the same level as you, so im sorry i cant REALLY understand what you are going through.

but i do have similar "episodes". again, not at that level, but bad enough that i have also self harmed and other people harmed in the past.

for me it starts with a growing sense of anxiety which seems to start at the gut and move out to all my limbs. then the voices start. for me its a mix of every bad thought or bad thing people have ever said to me, every time i felt like i was too awkward and embarrassed myself, and this weird growling sound. most of the time i only get shadows for visual hallucinations, thankfully (though i have had more on blessedly rare occasions).

when it's at its peak all i can do is sit in the corner or pace back and forth. i continually hit myself in the head because i think maybe it will knock the voices out? sometimes i grab my pocket safety pin and scrape it down my skin until i can ground myself. (not good i know, and i'm slowly working out of this compulsion. i dont even keep it in my pocket anymore so... baby steps forward.)

i know im saying SOMETHING while all this is happening because my husband has come in on a few of these episodes. i know it scares him and they are less frequent with my current cocktail of meds, but im scared to death they will come back with the frequency they used to be.

it really is hard to explain to people whats going on, especially while its happening. before i read your post i was almost worried that no one else would relate and i hope knowing that you arent alone helps you too in some small way.

im rooting for you. i hope so much that you can find relief soon.

Yes! That sounds similar. Like you said, maybe not to the same extent, but it does sound a bit similar, albeit not exactly the same. It's good to know there are people out there that have some sort of similar experience- it makes me feel a little less alone...of course it won't be exactly the same, because no one can have the exact same experiences, I don't think!!

Thank you for sharing and thank you for rooting for me! c":

Hello, My heart goes out to you. I have certainly had some similar symptoms in some ways. The thing I can relate to most is the feeling of imminent or impending separation between my body and soul. It may be a good idea to ask your doctor about an anti-psychotic. I am currently taking Zyprexa and it works well for me, but it is not the only one and there are many pros and cons for the various types. Hang in there. I just started using this site, but it seems like it could be an invaluable resource so I would encourage you to come back here so we can all help each other.

Thank you so much, and I'm sorry to hear you've had similar experiences...yes, that feeling is one of the worst parts of these episodes; its the reason why I begin to writhe and just generally feel horrid. It's terrible.

But yes, I am considering trying another anti-psychotic. In fact I need one, really, because i've been having further issues with hallucinating prolifically lately.

My track record with anti-psychotics is awful, however. I have tried quite a few; Seroquel, Abilify, Zyprexa, Risperdal, Latuda. I am very sensitive to extrapyramidial symptoms and the terrible muscle side effects. Latuda thankfully didn't do that for me, but it also didn't do much at all.

My doctor is considering putting me on Vraylar, which is a newer one that just came out last year or so, I believe. Regardless, he said it's supposed to be even better when it comes to those types of side effects- so here's to hoping!