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cptsdwhoa
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cptsdwhoa One day, one step at a time
 
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Unhappy May 29, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #1
Hi everyone. I'm just a bit frustrated and upset.

I really hate the mixed messages that I get from people about life with MI. Is it just me or do you get that too?

On one hand it's almost as if people say to reach for the stars because life doesn't end with mental illness. On the other it's like people say just don't reach too high because I'll always be limited in what I can accomplish. I don't know. I'm just feeling a little discouraged from a conversation I had earlier today. This person has a way of making me feel like I can't achieve any goal or dare to dream big. I'm also feeling aimless so that doesn't help. Oy.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 10:43 PM
  #2
Great question Cptsdwhoa,

maybe you could take a break from what others say and spend some time reflecting on what feels right to you? Even scribble down a few notes...whatever comes to mind when you think about your own mental illness and your hopes for the future?

Re: feeling aimless....have you thought about volunteering?

Peace, hope, and a bright future to you...whatever you choose
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:08 PM
  #3
Thank you for your reply SilverTrees. I mentioned that I want to move to another state. I know she was just trying to be cautious and helpful, but I run scared every time I bring up any goal of mine. She said I should probably wait to see how the economy will go. What happens if I lose social services that I need. What happens if I have a MI crisis. What happens if that MI crisis scares the people I come to know in the new city and they don't want to help or support me. Honestly, it was the idea that people would be too scared to be around me that got me the most. I already struggle to not feeling like a fatally flawed burden that no one should touch with a 40 foot pole.

It's hard to dare to dream that I can do even the smallest thing when I'm constantly worried that I can't manage anything that life requires. Some times I feel like I'll live and die having done nothing at all because I was too afraid to make the slightest move. Some times I feel like I can only reach for the bare minimum because I'm either not capable or I could be capable of only doing just a little more than enough.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:10 PM
  #4
Granted she encouraged me to maybe stay for a little while in the new city and see. But I'm now sufficiently too afraid to even try. I'm trying not too give up so easily for once in my life.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:15 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by cptsdwhoa View Post
Thank you for your reply SilverTrees. I mentioned that I want to move to another state. I know she was just trying to be cautious and helpful, but I run scared every time I bring up any goal of mine. She said I should probably wait to see how the economy will go. What happens if I lose social services that I need. What happens if I have a MI crisis. What happens if that MI crisis scares the people I come to know in the new city and they don't want to help or support me. Honestly, it was the idea that people would be too scared to be around me that got me the most. I already struggle to not feeling like a fatally flawed burden that no one should touch with a 40 foot pole.

It's hard to dare to dream that I can do even the smallest thing when I'm constantly worried that I can't manage anything that life requires. Some times I feel like I'll live and die having done nothing at all because I was too afraid to make the slightest move. Some times I feel like I can only reach for the bare minimum because I'm either not capable or I could be capable of only doing just a little more than enough.
Was the person you were chatting with a friend or therapist?

Honestly, I'm a big believer in optimism and hoping for the best. Not in a wild or unsafe way of course. But I think when we live with mental illness, it can be really problematic if we think ourselves into a corner. Do you know what I mean by that? That's what happens when I feel very depressed....my world gets smaller and smaller and my hope starts to diminish. For about two years now I've been training myself to step out of that thinking, as much as possible....to think of myself as a person with strengths and needs (like everyone else) rather than "broken" or "limited" or "disabled."

Moving to a new state would be a huge change with stress. The only person who knows if that's right for you is YOU. I think it would take planning and some nicely established coping strategies. I think it is important that people follow their dreams. Do you talk to a therapist? Could you start having a dialogue and plan for meeting new goals....step by step over time?

You have my support
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  #6
Ps. you are NOT a fatally flawed burden. You are a precious being in the Universe.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 12:04 PM
  #7
It was my grandmother. I actually mentioned it to one of my pdocs, and she said to be optimistic. I mentioned it to a family friend, and she was also practical but optimistic about it. It's just that my grandmother has a way of crushing my dreams and goals. I try not to let her get to me anymore, but that doesn't work all the time. I think she means well when she offers her opinion, but boy-oh-boy do I feel hopeless afterwards.

Yup...I absolutely understand thinking yourself into a corner. I seem to be a pro at that haha! I would like to start thinking of myself that way. I've made some progress over these last few months to start thinking of myself as simply a person with strengths and needs just like everyone else. But I do tend to fall back into thinking of myself negatively. I think that happens especially when I desire to reach a goal or dare to dream anything. I quit before I start because I can't even see the point of trying. I'm trying to learn to think of failure in terms of I just learned what not to do...I didn't fail.

You're absolutely right about moving. I would definitely need to plan and have those coping strategies. I don't know. Maybe I'm aiming too high? But I can't help but think that this is not an impossible thing here. My pdoc told me to be optimistic about it, and she said that support should be available in the new city. I talk to a therapist. That's a really good idea about baby steps towards meeting goals. I've met quite a few this past year already.

Thank you for your support!

Thank you so much for your encouragement! I'm working on believing that I DO have value.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 02:22 PM
  #8
You are welcome cptsdwhoa.

Personally, I think your goals are beautiful!

"It's just that my grandmother has a way of crushing my dreams and goals. I try not to let her get to me anymore, but that doesn't work all the time. I think she means well when she offers her opinion, but boy-oh-boy do I feel hopeless afterwards."

This is an important observation. Would you consider not sharing your dreams and goals with your grandmother? Perhaps don't mention them. If she asks, change the topic to something less deep/important. if she pushes, just calmly say something like "I'm not going to discuss that." And then move on to something else. She's unlikely to change, right? So maybe you can change how you interact with her? She likely does mean well but this interaction is hurting you and you've had enough hurt I'm sure. Maybe give a new approach a try. It sounds like you have other people in your life who share your optimism. Maybe you can keep your dreams and goals nice and safe and only share with those folks....like precious secrets you want to protect?

I'm trying to learn to think of failure in terms of I just learned what not to do...I didn't fail.
Another idea for you. What if instead of thinking of failure, you think of disappointments? As in 'I tried that and it didn't work out and I am disappointed. And that's okay. The disappointment will fade.'

I'm working on believing that I DO have value.
This is excellent! You are working on it therefore you are farther along toward happiness than you may even realize Do you say it aloud to yourself? Try that. Each day somewhere safe, in a strong loud voice 'I am a valuable being in the Universe. I deserve to be happy and well. I am happy and well. My future is bright!'
Mind, body, and spirit respond to messages like that. They also respond to the reverse....the negative messages of depression but then you already know that

Keep going! You are stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for. Peace and hope to you
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Heart May 30, 2019 at 02:27 PM
  #9
Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


- Langston Hughes

May you hold fast to your dreams Cptsdwhoa!
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Default May 30, 2019 at 02:59 PM
  #10
"I am HOPEFUL" - Guided Meditation
YouTube

This is one of my favorite meditations. Maybe you'll like it too
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Default May 31, 2019 at 02:30 PM
  #11
Thank you SilverTrees! Thank you so very much. You're advice has been more helpful than I can articulate.
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