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ripley
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Default Dec 22, 2009 at 11:10 AM
  #1
At the risk of ending up talking to myself I will post this here, since it seems to be the most relevant place...I wrote this in my journal yesterday. Like most people I have a gap between therapy sessions right now, and this is hard stuff to just hold on to by myself for a couple of weeks.

At the mall today to buy some new snow boots, the place was crawling with high-school kids. Teenage girls, when I pass by them, make me cringe and avert my eyes. I think a normal person my age (49) would not react that way.

On my way home I was thinking about how I was forbidden to go to the mall after school. The couple of times I did I got in big trouble because it meant I was late getting supper on the table. That reminded me of something I read recently:

"The schizoid patient's subjective experience is not that of being a vital cog in the family system...rather, the experience is that of being a dehumanized, depersonalized function that can be called on the serve a purpose, any purpose and then can be consigned again to the back shelf until another service or function is required" That is from Masterson & Klein's Disorders of the Self..., the chapter on intrapsychic structures.)

My purpose was to cook supper 5 days a week and do the dishes afterwards, making sure to also sweep the kitchen floor. Weekends I was required to dust and vacuum the whole house, clean the bathrooms, and do the laundry including the ironing. If I did not do these things willingly, properly and promptly, there was hell to pay.

Other than all of that I really felt I was no use to anyone in my family. No one was at all interested in me, for me.

I highlighted the above quote the first time I read it, but I wasn't sure if it really fit. Today the truth of it is making me cry.

I have been connecting with a lot of stuff about my adolescence lately...I think it was the worst few years of my life.

Thanks for 'listening'.
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Default Dec 22, 2009 at 12:54 PM
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Default Dec 22, 2009 at 03:32 PM
  #3
It sure hurts to feel that one doesn't matter unless it's something that's needed from another person.
ripley

Quote:
"The schizoid patient's subjective experience is not that of being a vital cog in the family system...rather, the experience is that of being a dehumanized, depersonalized function that can be called on the serve a purpose, any purpose and then can be consigned again to the back shelf until another service or function is required"
I can relate to this so so much. yes, dehumanized and depersonalized.......it's no wonder I struggle to connect with others. *sigh*

keep writing.... it can help to express yourself and receive support.

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Default Dec 22, 2009 at 05:09 PM
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Thanks for the replies

purple_fins,
I feel most connected to people when I am doing things for them. *sigh* Otherwise I have no idea why people want to spend time with me. I find myself wondering "what do they want?" My brother and sister are the exceptions. Over time I have become more connected to them, but it is still hard work and there is a lot they don't know about me.
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Default Dec 23, 2009 at 06:32 PM
  #5
You've been reading Klein! that book gave me so much understanding and insight too.

If you'd be interested, theres a study group - well, its in the early stages of forming, for people to share experiences and have support, at present we're basing on this book.

r.

(www.selfinexile.com )

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Default Dec 23, 2009 at 08:27 PM
  #6
thanks RiverX. Not sure how a study group would work, but keep me posted.
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