The more I read, the more painful it becomes. The realization that the nature of my affliction has been overlooked for 35 years. The irony being that the nature of the afflcition itself is what can lead to this oversight. SPD does not get a lot of press It seems it is only of real interest when one is at the lower functioning end of the spectrum. A lot of studies of it seem to take place among male prison inmates. I am not male, and have never even been arrested, and yet this disorder has determined the course of my life since I was an adolescent.
I am posting this because I am grieving, not because I want to whine or feel sorry for myself. I know that now that I know what is wrong I will at last be able to do someting about it I just wish it hadn't been such a long search for this one answer.

May you find peace and meaningfulness in your life.

[Ratanddragon]

I don't know if you remember, but I wrote you about Gary Yontef's article on the schizoid process. It seems to me that when they published the DSMIII in '83 (I think) and broke "schizoid" into "avoidant", "schizotypal" AND "schizoid" disorders, they were trying to create some sort of triage wherein "schizoid" disorder was the worst and almost beyond help, or even hope. You know "He's schizoid and you can't help someone who doesn't give a d***." It seems like the older theorists saw all three disorders as part of the same process and treated patients accordingly. I think maybe they were on to something.. I know that, although one can never regain lost time, I have hope. Brain imaging technology is showing differences in brain anatomy for schizophrenics, aspergers, borderlines and I don't know what else. Perhaps in a few years one will be able to get a PET scan or MRI of the brain and know exactly which condition to look for instead of the hit or miss process we go through now that wastes so much time in a life. Be well, my friend.

[Ascension]

I am sorry that you feel like the process failed you. Mental illness is very hard to diagnose as it is but SPD is even more difficult due to the disconnectedness one feels. I wonder if I may have SPD at times. It really is frustrating when you know something is broke but you don't know what or how. And if we ourselves don't know all the particulars how do we tell the doctors?

Thanks for the replies.
Rataddragon, I have read the article you mention, and a lot more beyond that. About 4 years ago a Pdoc diagnosed me with AvPD. But he was into a very alternative method of treatment for which I had no use, so he was no help. My current T took great pains to impression me that AvPD was not correct ( I understand now that she saw that I was more 'damaged' then that Dx would suggest). She opted for a diagnosis of BPD, which I tried like hell to get my mind around, even though it never really fit. Reading everything I could about that lead me to the info on SzPD. Very recently my T backed off from her original assessment, and I am just at the beginning of talking with her about what is really wrong. I am confident that she will be able to help me make some changes, but it is hard for anyone to do that if they are not seeing through the right 'lens'.

As for the process failing me, Ascension, although there is a lot to grieve, I can also see quite clearly how my own very schizoid self-sufficiency has kept anyone from even seeing how much trouble I was really in. I guess, although it was pretty horrific at the time, I am fortunate that I 'decompensated' about 4 years ago and have not allowed myself to fool myself into the usual 'functional is all I need to attain' mindset that had me leaving therapy so many times.

Thanks for listening. It really helps to have somewhere to discuss this stuff with people who know it from the inside!