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Old 02-25-2017, 07:14 PM #1
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Wink As someone experienced some improvement?

I am trying to feel more and connect more with people. I realized that part of my problem comes from feelings of unreality and a somewhat disconnected mind.
I think I have loosed myself during childhood because my parents where very controlling, very critical, not very affectionate, unstable in the emotions they showed towards me. My mother is herself a little bit schizoid and my father, who was the affectionate one, was quick to anger and very scary when he was angry. So I loved him and feared him very much at the same time. My opinions were never heard and at the time I felt that most of my taste and ideas were negatively criticized by my parents and old sister.
I learn to shut down my wishes and do everything as they told me. I learned to shut down my feelings to keep myself from feeling sad and afraid of other people judgement.
Now that I have a job and I earn money I am starting to feel that I have some control over my life. I am learning that I don't have to wait for others aprovement and that I can do things on my own if I want to. But every time I come home I loose myself a bit so I can deal with my mother trying to control my life.
I want to have real feelings. I do have them when I am dreaming which is very weird. I can experience love and grief and my sleep, I know how they feel, but I can't feel them in real life.
Do you think that is possible to leave my schizoid state? Has someone been able to improve?
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Old 07-08-2017, 04:13 PM #2
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Default Re: As someone experienced some improvement?

Hello,
I find it odd that your question hasn't merited any response as from my perspective it seems to be a rather valid one. In my experience with schizoid PD, it is not in a sense something that can be cured, so improvement becomes a relative term based on who is making the determination. For instance the Psychotherapeutic approach to treatment focuses mainly on helping you to both cope with being you and helping you to better understand how your disposition effects others. The overall end result of which tends to simply fine tune the outer selves ability to project a compatible persona in which allows others to feel more comfortable while allowing your inner self to better hide. So from the perspective of friends, family, significant others, and even a therapist your condition is seen as improving. However because no actual change has occurred regarding the state of the inner self, we ( schizoids ) do not actually measure it as an improvement. It is for this reason that I believe so many schizoids discontinue therapy.
The sole desire of every schizoid is to develop some form of real connection. However our attempts are always undermined by this paradoxical barrier that separates the inner and outer self. This barrier reacts like a two way mirror in which all external emotional stimuli is reflected away, while all internal emotional impulse are simply reflected back upon the mind of the schizoid resulting in a highly complex inner life that is fueled by a form of autistic thinking. The emotions felt within these fantasy worlds are not only real but far stronger than normal emotions expressed by others as they are constantly reinforced by being reflected back upon themselves. The primary issue with this condition is that our external defense mechanism is triggered by connection it's self. The second the inner self senses a real connection the external self recognizes the potential for emotional damage to occur and reacts. And by the time the condition is recognized it is no longer a controllable reaction but rather an automatic programmed response routed in the very core of our personalities. To undo this would literally be tantamount to destroying yourself. It is possible to have a connection and feel for a partner, however not in the same manor as others do. And even under the best of circumstances it is an extremely difficult process to maintain. Trust me I have been married for 8 years. I won't go into what is required as that might be a bit to personal for an open forum, but if you want to discuss it then your more than welcome to send me an e-mail or whatever is used as a personal message here. As for family and friends, unfortunately I have yet to find any way to form any real direct connection. My interactions with family are the same as with any small social group, more of just an automated persona for their sake than a real connection. Sorry this post was so long, I have an analytical mind and tend to go into more detail at times than might be warranted.
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Old 12-16-2017, 03:59 PM #3
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Default Re: As someone experienced some improvement?

Improvement, for me, has been in mourning the attachment disorders from an abusive childhood, and then accepting, through lovingkindness, the results as the trajectory of my life from this point on. Rather than fight myself, I am online relating to others through a screen. I find this highly rewarding and within my field of 'vision'; however, were we onliners to suddenly meet in a brick and mortar room, I would be the first out the door.

Success, for me, is in accepting my limits as okay (given my history as to how my brain wiring developed) and then maturing within those limits through continued self-acceptance and strength in living accordingly. In other words, I've stopped comparing myself to others, which has helped me stop trying to live out their destinies. I am no longer sad with myself as a result. That, to me, is personal success...and a strength to keep on keeping on along this path.
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Old 01-18-2018, 06:44 PM #4
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Default Re: As someone experienced some improvement?

Self accepting and small achievements feel like big wins...

But I don't know if it is enough to make me happy. I guess I would be happier if I hadn't also avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety... They are intertwined with my schizoid traits so it's a big mess for me.

I appreciate both of your answers. <3
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