Roll Call 121 (Mods Keep Out!)

newtus · Apr 19, 2018 at 11:23 AM

Im tiyad

justmeandmyhead · Apr 19, 2018 at 11:57 AM

We took the pup on a long walk, he had a dip in the lake. He absolutely loved it and he seems so happy now. Been playing with him in the garden. He’s such a sweetie.

Desoxyn · Apr 19, 2018 at 12:45 PM

Warm sunny day. 10 degrees C.

I couldn't sleep last night so I took melatonin then in one of my dreams I had to speak on a microphone in front of people and I had anxiety. The people that spoke before me were speaking like it was nothing. AND THEY WERE IN MY HEAD so how can I not speak like them? Lol. Stupid..

I took a Concerta but I feel like I don't need it today.

Desoxyn · Apr 19, 2018 at 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cogladaid

I kind of feel guilty that I’m not sicker

Your good sense of doubt and insight prevents you from full blown psychosis with the help of meds.

For me it was caught early and I don't take my meds so injection it is..

I consider severe to be like schizophrenia untreated for like 12 years. At that point you become treatment resistant and psychosis only gets worse usually not better.

Be kind 2 ur mind. The mind is a powerful thing. If you can control it, you are power.

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Your good sense of doubt and insight prevents you from full blown psychosis with the help of meds.

For me it was caught early and I don't take my meds so injection it is..

I consider severe to be like schizophrenia untreated for like 12 years. At that point you become treatment resistant and psychosis only gets worse usually not better.

Be kind 2 ur mind. The mind is a powerful thing. If you can control it, you are power.

Oh **** I'm ****ed... lol.

Desoxyn · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Oh **** I'm ****ed... lol.

I didn't mean for karma to swing around like that I'm no psychiatrist xd

Desoxyn · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:09 PM

I'm sitting on a couch in the garage vaping with my 4G cuz internet is down.

I have nothing to do today.

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I didn't mean for karma to swing around like that I'm no psychiatrist xd

Lmao it's all good, for some reason I just laughed my head off and well that's why they say my affect is "inappropriate", because let's face it if there's anything I do well it's inappropriate... Hehehehehe.

newtus · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:12 PM

Im bored

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

Im bored

Relatable... I tend to get bored after a worse than usual case of florid psychosis, it's like after a bad episode I feel like I've lost a sense of purpose and I end up a bit listless and definitely bored because honestly my psychosis is way more interesting than reality. Smh.

Desoxyn · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Lmao it's all good, for some reason I just laughed my head off and well that's why they say my affect is "inappropriate", because let's face it if there's anything I do well it's inappropriate... Hehehehehe.

I was looking at my papers yesterday on what psychiatrists wrote about me in the hospital. One of them was "Inappropriate behaviour". I got mad at him for writing that down lol but it's scary looking back like "No insight to risks".

I'm ok with that now but I was on the equivalent of 30mg Abilify and even 5-10mg people are suing the makers of Abilify for gambling problems and such and I can see why..

If I'm fine now on Invega then it's probably true.

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I was looking at my papers yesterday on what psychiatrists wrote about me in the hospital. One of them was "Inappropriate behaviour". I got mad at him for writing that down lol but it's scary looking back like "No insight to risks".

I'm ok with that now but I was on the equivalent of 30mg Abilify and even 5-10mg people are suing the makers of Abilify for gambling problems and such and I can see why..

If I'm fine now on Invega then it's probably true.

Abilify ****ed me over with akathisia, didn't sleep for a week which sucked lol. I'm pretty sure that's one of the "activating" ones right? Makes sense about the problems being reported on it.

justmeandmyhead · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:00 PM

You know I’ve been thinking today about what went on recently.
I don’t feel like I experience psychosis and I don’t 100% believe that I do.
But I also know that I must do.
I 100% believed that agents were going to steal my pup and kill us in our sleep. I stayed up all night watching the door waiting for them. I thought my cpn and psych were involved (i still don’t fully trust them). I thought the car crash was an attempt to kill me because I knew too much about the portals.
And now I don’t believe that.
I still have some thoughts about the portals. And I don’t believe that the crows i here aren’t real (though I understand others think they aren’t).
I don’t know it’s very confusing.
I still feel like I’d know if I was ill.
But part of me recognises something wasn’t right

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justmeandmyhead

You know I’ve been thinking today about what went on recently.
I don’t feel like I experience psychosis and I don’t 100% believe that I do.
But I also know that I must do.
I 100% believed that agents were going to steal my pup and kill us in our sleep. I stayed up all night watching the door waiting for them. I thought my cpn and psych were involved (i still don’t fully trust them). I thought the car crash was an attempt to kill me because I knew too much about the portals.
And now I don’t believe that.
I still have some thoughts about the portals. And I don’t believe that the crows i here aren’t real (though I understand others think they aren’t).
I don’t know it’s very confusing.
I still feel like I’d know if I was ill.
But part of me recognises something wasn’t right

I've been in that place of not knowing/being confused about if you're actually ill but at the same time knowing something isn't right. I was like that when I first started gaining some insight and I still feel like this at times.

justmeandmyhead · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I've been in that place of not knowing/being confused about if you're actually ill but at the same time knowing something isn't right. I was like that when I first started gaining some insight and I still feel like this at times.

I’ve been told my insight fluctuates many times. Even at my best I don’t think I actually have it though.
Do you fully believe that you have sz?
It’s been years and maybe this is the closest I’ve been to accepting it.

Desoxyn · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Abilify ****ed me over with akathisia, didn't sleep for a week which sucked lol. I'm pretty sure that's one of the "activating" ones right? Makes sense about the problems being reported on it.

"Moore studied 1,580 cases over a decade that included several impulsive behaviors such as pathological gambling, excessive sexual activity, and compulsive shopping. In a 2014 paper he found, “the associations were significant, the magnitude of the effects was large, and the effects were seen for all 6 dopamine receptor agonist drugs.”

He explained it in layman’s terms to The Daily Beast.

“The drug triggers a pathological urge to gamble constantly, sometimes among persons with no previous interest,” he said of Abilify’s effect on dopamine receptors. “It might be people starting to spend $300 a week on lottery tickets, and in other cases people will gamble away tens of thousands of dollars.”"

I was like a classic case for this. Also, on my first injection, my hands were shaking and I couldn't breathe because my chest tightened up and they then injected me with cogentin and gave me benzos and propranolol :/

So then I couldn't see close and my pupils were large because of the 6mg Cogentin a day until I built tolerance to the akathisia.

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justmeandmyhead

I’ve been told my insight fluctuates many times. Even at my best I don’t think I actually have it though.
Do you fully believe that you have sz?
It’s been years and maybe this is the closest I’ve been to accepting it.

At this precise moment yes I do, but it fluctuates like you said ... When I randomly disappear from posting here it's usually because my insight went away and well why would I post on a schizophrenia forum if I don't believe even sort of that I have the illness?

Acceptance takes years and that's where I also want to deny that I have it even though the proof is there, in writing, ugh... It honestly sucks. Acceptance has been a painfully slow process for me and sometimes it feels pretty futile because I'll inevitably lose more years to being floridly psychotic and lacking insight.

Atypical_Disaster · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

"Moore studied 1,580 cases over a decade that included several impulsive behaviors such as pathological gambling, excessive sexual activity, and compulsive shopping. In a 2014 paper he found, “the associations were significant, the magnitude of the effects was large, and the effects were seen for all 6 dopamine receptor agonist drugs.”

He explained it in layman’s terms to The Daily Beast.

“The drug triggers a pathological urge to gamble constantly, sometimes among persons with no previous interest,” he said of Abilify’s effect on dopamine receptors. “It might be people starting to spend $300 a week on lottery tickets, and in other cases people will gamble away tens of thousands of dollars.”"

I was like a classic case for this. Also, on my first injection, my hands were shaking and I couldn't breathe because my chest tightened up and they then injected me with cogentin and gave me benzos and propranolol :/

So then I couldn't see close and my pupils were large because of the 6mg Cogentin a day until I built tolerance to the akathisia.

Holy ****. That's ****ed up.

Akathisia is the ****ing devil if there ever was such a thing.

newtus · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:14 PM

Ive accepted my illness

justmeandmyhead · Apr 19, 2018 at 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

At this precise moment yes I do, but it fluctuates like you said ... When I randomly disappear from posting here it's usually because my insight went away and well why would I post on a schizophrenia forum if I don't believe even sort of that I have the illness?

Acceptance takes years and that's where I also want to deny that I have it even though the proof is there, in writing, ugh... It honestly sucks. Acceptance has been a painfully slow process for me and sometimes it feels pretty futile because I'll inevitably lose more years to being floridly psychotic and lacking insight.

Yeah that’s why I stopped posting for a bit. Plus I thought everyone was out to get me.

I used to think I had duped everyone into thinking I had it. But now idk. It feels more tangible.
That’s a scary thought and I know how you feel because I think about that too. Years ago I thought this would have been over by now. Now I can’t see it ending.
Sorry this got depressing fast lol

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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 13 867 hugs given	Apr 19, 2018 at 11:23 AM #201 Im tiyad __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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justmeandmyhead Magnate Member Since May 2013 Location: UK Posts: 2,663 10 28 hugs given	Apr 19, 2018 at 11:57 AM #202 We took the pup on a long walk, he had a dip in the lake. He absolutely loved it and he seems so happy now. Been playing with him in the garden. He’s such a sweetie.
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Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 12,986 (SuperPoster!) 7 4,912 hugs given	Apr 19, 2018 at 01:09 PM #207 I'm sitting on a couch in the garage vaping with my 4G cuz internet is down. I have nothing to do today.
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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 13 867 hugs given	Apr 19, 2018 at 01:12 PM #209 Im bored __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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newtus The Dopamine Flux Member Since Jun 2010 Location: Ardenweald Posts: 43,644 (SuperPoster!) 13 867 hugs given	Apr 19, 2018 at 02:14 PM #219 Ive accepted my illness __________________ "We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living" The Dopamine Flux www.thedopamineflux.com Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII
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